Evening Republican, Volume 19, Number 309, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 December 1915 — Kin Hubbard Essays [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Kin Hubbard Essays

TH’ COST 0* SPARKIN'

By KIN HUBBARD.

“When I look at th’ young dudes who are scamperin’ around these days wearin’ belted near-chinchilly overcoats an’ yeller shoes, an’ th’ bar throated, close reefed springers with ther hair matted o’er ther ears, I can’t help expressin’ th’ apprehension 1 feel fer th’ cornin’ generation,” said Tell Binkley, as Mr. Ersle ’ oon an’ Miss Vinette Mopps whisked by th’ blacksmith shop an’ darted upstairs t’ th’ tango academy in th’ K. of P. hall. Continuin’, Mr. Binkley said: “After a feller gits thro’ sparkin' these days he’s insolvent Lots o’ good sensible fellers would like t’ git married but they don’t feel able t’ spark. They can’t afford t’ take th’ time an’ money. If a feller could git married after a week’s sparkin’ he might be able t* scrape up enough money t’

stock a flat that is, by foregoin’ a weddin’ trip. But th’ modern girl seems t’ demand a long extravagant courtship before she’s willin’ t’ give in an’ drop out o’ sight. Then th' young husband finds himself bankrupt with a yeller cane, a plug hat, a suit o’ formal clothes an’ a doll on his hands. With each spurt o’ economy her love grows colder. He gits tired o’ lookin’ shiny an’ her muff goes out o’ date. A separation soon toilers — th’ wife returns t’ her ole home on Chestnut street an’ th’ husband joins his regiment on th’ rlalto. “Back in th’ good ole days o’ th’ fushia nosegay, ice cream parlors, cinnamon drops, spruce gum, autograph

albums an’ natural complexions, a feller had a chance t’ win a heart without th’ use o’ dancin’ pumps, or without neglectin’ his business an’ denyin’ himself many o' th’ real necessities o’ life. Love makin’ wux almost self-sus-tainin’ in 1880. Oirls looked ahead o' ther noses, an’ th’ feller who gave promise o’ being’ able t’ support a wife eventually wut treated like one o’ th' boys. Girls didn’t make love o’er th’ chop suey bowl or in a secluded alcove o’ th’ stuffy ballroom. An’ they didn’ expect t’ git on th’ outside of a few cocktails an’ a filet mignon after ever" performance o’ Th’ Two Orphans or East Lynne. Th' parlor or th’ narrow livery rig wu* th’ clearin’ house fer affairs o’ th’ heart. “What’s th’ sense o’ exhaustin' all th’ pleasures o’ life durin’ th’ first few

months o’ courtship an’ finally marryin’t’ git rid o’ each other? Why not save a few pleasures besides Niagara Falls t’ look forward f after you’ve satisfied th’ installment houses? Marriage at best is quite a comedown fer most any girl, ’specially If her engagement period wua one long an riotous dream. An’ when th’ tale teilin’ furrows o’ care an’ disappointment begin t’ appear in her face, an’ she appeals t’ a young husband fer a new pair o’ shoes it haint goto* t’ git him nothin’ t’ say, ‘Wuzn’ I alius good t’ you in th’ old days, Nell?’ “It’s fer better t’ have loved an* kept still about it than it is t’ stall along on nothin’!”

“Youna Dudes Wearin’ Near-Chinchilly an' Yeller Shoes, an’ th Bare Throated Close Reefed Springers With Ther Hair Matted O’er Ther Ears.”