Evening Republican, Volume 19, Number 284, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 December 1915 — STARVING AMONG FRIENDS [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

STARVING AMONG FRIENDS

By KIN HUBBARD.

Once ther wuz a feller named Elmer Peters that tried t’ practice medicine in his ole home town where he had hung wallpaper an’ wuz well liked. He had a framed diplomy, a case o’ shinin’ tools, a blue runabout an’ thin side whiskers. He did not expect t’ do anythin’ th’ first month but git his whiskers in shape an’ pay fer his shingle. He would either write, “Will be back In an hour,’’ on his slate an’ open his muffler an’ exceed th’ speed limit, er retire t* his back room an’ climb in th’ operatin’ chair an’ read up on th’ nasal treatment o’ acute an’ subacute suppuration o’ th’ sinuses. He belonged t’ all th’ lodges an’ civic organizations that wuz goin’ an’ taught a Sunday school class in th’ leadin’ church, an’ he could conceive o’ no contingency that might arise in th’ future bein’ big enough t’ block a career that started out amid sich auspicious surroundin’s. So after a few weeks rolled around anth’ sign painter grew so insultin’ that he had t’ sell his guitar, he come t* th* conclusion that th’ plain people could no longer be depended upon. Then he set about t’ marry th* richest girl to town an’ work up a practice in th’ best homes. Th’ weddin’ wuz a brilliant one. an after th’ flowers had been distributed amongst th’ hospitals an’ th’ presents carefully acknowledged, he went back t’ his office an’ waited. Month after month passed away, an* typhoid fever epidemics came an’ went, prominent ole citizens slipped on th’ ice. er fell down stairs, diphtheria robbed many homes o’ their sunshine an’ happiness an’ indigestion raged uncurbed in th’ fashionable homes o’ th rich, but not a dollar showed up to th’ office o’ Dr. Elmer Peters, th’ ole town boy with lb* framed an’ modern tools.,

One cold, bleak winter’s day, white Elmer wuz reclinin’ in his operatin’ chair, studyin’ about th’ lymphatic o th’ nose and th’ naso pharynx, he heard footsteps in th’ front office Scarcely believin’ his own ears, he arose hurriedly an’ roachin* an’ runnin’ his fingers thro’ his side burns, he opened th’ door an’ the* stood his father-inland who said graspin’ his cane tightly: “This morn in’ your wife called at our home an we gave her food an’ shelter. She wore a pinched expression, _ a faded wrapper an’ many new an* strange lines in her face. What I want t‘ know is when do you expect t’ git on a parin’ basis?” Elmer said he could not fix any definite date, so his wife’s father told him he would gladly take his daughter back an’ give him some alienation money if he’d promise t’ git killed by th’ cars er go ’way an’ never come back. Elmer, after a slight hesitation, promised, an’ th’ next mornin’ th’ operatin’ chair wuz crated an’ shipped east, an’ th’ office blinds wuz pulled down Once to th’ metropolis. Elmer rentef th* twentieth story o’ a skyscraper atf bought a frock coat an’ a silk hat. an’ had “Ear, Eye, Nose an’ Throat” painted on all o’ th’ hundred an’ forty windows. In a couple o’ years er so, when he could slip out o’ th’ buildin’ fer an hour er two, be married a poor girl an’ lived happily ever afterwards. A feller that’s to need ’mongst friends is to need indeed. (Protected by ' the Adams Newspaper Service.)

What I Want t’ Know is, When Do You Expect t' Git on a Payin' Basis?