Evening Republican, Volume 19, Number 268, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 November 1915 — Page 3

JUST HUMOR

TICKET SELLER WAS WRATHY

Madame Bernhardt Willing to Give Up Afternoon of Rest But Man of Pasteboardd Was Peeved. Margaret Illington, the actress, tells of Sarah Bernhardt’s last repertory engagement in America. Madame was giving performances every evening and matinees every day but Friday, which afternoon she reserved for rest. ▲ company in Philadelphia was playing “Madame X”' at the same time that Bernhardt was playing it, and the manager desired his players to see the divine Sarah in it. They could get away only on one day—Friday. So the Philadelphia manager went to Bernhardt’s manager and asked him if it would be possible for Bernhardt to give a Friday matinee. Her manager, eager to please the Philadelphian, but dubious, finally agreed to ask Bernhardt. When he had explained, she readily agreed to give up her afternoon of rest. Her manager went back to the lobby in a daze. “Bernhardt is more than mortal;, she is capable of the work of ten men," he told the Philadelphian. “She is going to give that extra matinee Friday." Suddenly the ticket seller poked his head out of his cage. “Extra matinee Friday?" he yelled. “Good gracious! What does that woman think I’m made of?"—Green Book Magazine.

Cheerful Prospect.

“Young man," queried the stern parent, “are you in a position to support my daughter in the style to which she has been atecustomed?” “Sir,” replied the young man, proudly, “I am able to keep three horses and —” “But what has that got to do with supporting my daughter?” interrupted the stern parent. “I hope you are not figuring on boarding her at a livery stable ?”

A Chicken Fancier.

“Well, Dinah, I hear you are married?” “Yessum,” said the former cook. ‘Tse done got me a man now.” “Is he a good provider?” “Yassum. He’s a mighty good pervider, but I’se powerful skeered he’s gwyne ter git kotched at it.”

Low Speed.

“You say Chuggs has never been arrested for speeding?” “Never.” “The deuce! What does he get out of his car?” “About eight miles an hour.”

A Downpour.

"What do you do when your wife begins to cry, Jibway?” “As my wife is a head taller than I am and she cries copiously, my first thought is to stand from under.”

TOO SHORT.

“Aren’t you afraid some bold robber will hold you up?” “I always carry a six-shooter.” “I prefer a six-footer.”

No Diplomatic Concession.

“So Willie Sinks blacked your eye," aaid the small boy’s father. . “Yes.” “And hasn’t he apologized?” “No. He won’t even refer to it as an unfortunate accident”

Great Men.

“Has your town any great men?” “Well, I don’t know how great they are, but three of our citizens have their pictures published in patent medicine ads every day.”—Detroit Free Press.

Sir or Ma'am?

Equestrian—Are you going fishing, little boy? L. B.—No. . Equestrian—No what? L. B.—Durued ts X know!—Judge.

NOT CONDUCIVE TO OLD AGE

Youhgster of 80 la Told by Man of 82 He Will Never Be Old Man on Account of Habits. The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the no less eminent physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were together several years ago at West Point Doctor Bigelow was then nine-ty-two and Doctor Mitchell eighty. The conversation turned to the subject qf age. "I attribute my many years,” said Doctor Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious. I have eaten sparingly and have not used tobacco and have taken little exercise.” “It is just the reverse in my case,” explained Doctor Mitchell. “I have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used tobacco, immoderately at times, and I have always taken a great deal of exercise.” With that, Ninety-two Years shook his head at Eighty Years and said: "Well, you will never live to be an old •man!” —Pittsburgh ChronicleTelegraph.

A Hearty Welcome.

"And who are you?” asked St. Peter as he peeped through the slats of the pearly gate. "Why, I’m of the earth earthy,” replied the new arrival. "Just out of college." , “Good!" exclaimed the old man. “We need somebody to tell Us how to run this place, so come right in and give us the benefit of your advice."

The Hospitable Board.

“Your wife’s dinner parties are always beautiful affairs.” “Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. “At first people didn’t seem to want to come to ’em. I guess mebbe the high cost df living is making a difference.”

WOULD FOR NOTHING.

“Fido, sit up and show the gentleman how to kiss me, and I’ll give you some nice dinner.” “I’ll do the same thing, and I won’t ask for any dinner as a reward, either.”

What He Would Like.

Hobo —Please gimme a nickel ma’am? Old Lady—Didn’t I see you coming out of a saloon a moment ago? Hobo—l guess mebbe you did, ma’am. Old Lady—Well, I wonder you are not ashamed to own it. Hobo—l don’t own it, ma’am. I only wish I did.

Manipulating the Scales.

“Your daughter is doing fairly well with her music,” said the professor, “but somehow she just can’t run the scales properly." “Oh, I suppose that’s an inherited trait,” rejoined the fond mother. “Her father made his money in the grocery business.”

Had Practice.

The Coed —I don’t see-how you can read Chaucer so readily. The spelling is so queer. *rtie Professor of English—l’ve had lots of experience while examining the sophomores’ papers.—Harvard Lampoon.

Not Safe.

“Safe burglars do not boast about their work.” “Why should they?” "Yet they are always blowing about their business.”

Classy Conversation.

“Gee, that barber shop must have a fashionable patronage." “Why so?” “Fellow that shaved me actually started to talk golf to me.”

Brown’s Home Life.

Jones—l don’t see your husband at the club of late, Mrs. Brown! Mrs. Brown —No. He stays at home now and enjoys life in his own way as I want him to. -

Exactly.

"I don’t believe the woman who has the next apartment to ours ever touches her parlor carpet." “My dear, that’s a sweeping arraignment”

Of Course Paw Knew.

Little Lemuel —Say, paw, what is an upstart? Paw—An upstart, son, is a self-made man who isn’t your friend.

Now Lemuel Knows.

Little Lemuel—What’s an auction, paw? " Paw—An auction, son, is a for-bid-ding place.

THE EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER, IND.

RESCUED SERBIA FROM TYPHUS

From left to right: Dr. Richard P. Strong and Dr. Edward Ryan, who headed the sanitary work in Serbia that saved that country from the ravages of typhus fever. Doctor Strong, professor of tropical diseases in Harvard Medical school, was chief of the American Red Cross sanitary commission, with beadquarters at Nish. Dr. Ryan is head of the American hospital at Belgrade. He wears the medal of the French Legion of Honor.

IS TIRELESS GAME

Hunting of Submarines Like Playing Hide-and-Seek. Most of the Romance and Action of Sea Warfare Is Now With the Seaplanes and the Destroyers.

By FREDERICK PALMER.

(International News Service) _ London. —Strangest looking of all the ships with the grand fleet is the Atlantic liner which has been transformed into a mother-ship for the seaplanes. There are platforms in place of the promenades where passengers used to lounge, bombs in place of deck quoits, and the dining salons have been fitted up as workshops. Everything that a seaplane needs in the way of repairs can be supplied. A crane that once had taken passengers’ trunks out of the hold lifted a seaplane off a platform and deposited it on the water, where it bounced on the waves before the motor was started and it skimmed across the surface for a hundred yards or more, rose, circled around the fleet two or three times and then disappeared out at sea. Most of the romance and the action of sea warfare while the British grand fleet waits for the German fleet to come out are with the seaplanes and the destroyers. The dreadnaughts remain in harbor, except for occasional cruises into the North sea; but the planes and the destroyers are always on the move. They work together in hunting "Fritz,” as British officers and men universally refer to submarines. A submarine is visible to an aviator when it is cruising below the surface. It never travels deeper than thirty or forty feet and leaves a characteristic ripple and air bubbles and streaks of oil. When a plane has located a submarine it signals the hunters where to go. But before they arrive a squall may have hidden the track. A submarine may be known to be in a certain region and be lost and seen and then lost and seen again. Submarine hunting is a tireless game of hide-and seek. Naval ingenuity has invented no end of methods of location and of destruction. Experiment has proved some to be effectual, and some useless. Strictest kept of naval secrets these. Very thin is the skin of a submarine and very fragile and complicated its machinery. It does not take much of a shock to put it out of order or a large cargo of explosives to dent that skin beyond repair. “The difficulty is to know when you get them,” an officer explained; "for it is in the nature of the submarine to sink, whether vitally injured or not. It may have gone to the bottom to stay in fifty fathoms of water, or it may have submerged under a choppy sea and made safe its escape. We have been hunting them for a year now, and no doubt we are getting the better of them. We have not only learned how to keep them off from our great ships, but how to destroy them.” If oil and bubbles come up for a long time in one place or if they come up with a rush, that is considered fairly good evidence of success. There is no escape for the crew. They cannot make the submarine rise or get out of it. It becomes a steel casket, in a watery grave. No nautical mind is required to realize that by casting about on thq bottom with a grapnel you will learn if an object with the bulk and size of a submarine is there; and the "death” of submarines is established in this way. "The admiralty will not accept any

guesswork about it,” said an officer. "We may have put an explosive right into one or rammed it in a way that must have broken its back; but that is not proof enough. The record goes down on the chart as ‘supposed destroyed.’ ” With Admiral Crawford, the correspondent went to see the subraarine defenses of a harbor. Cruisers and destroyers and auxiliaries are going and coming, but the narrow openings through which they passed were closed instantly they were by. At one naval base the correspondent saw a number of destroyers lying moored to a quay as close together as fish in a basket. They had just come in from a tour at sea. “Here today and gone tomorrow,” said an officer. r “What a time they had last winter! And they are in for another winter of it. You know how cold the North sea is—no, you cannot unless you have been out in a torpedo boat dancing the tango in the teeth of that bitter wind, with the spray whipping up to the top of the smokestacks. In the dead of night they would come into this pitch-dark harbor. How they found their way is past me. It’s a trick of those young fellows who command.” If a destroyer gets on the track of a submarine it has thirty knots against the submarine’s six or eigjit. There is no difficulty in keeping up; her wireless brings swarms of assistance. Every ship on the blockade from Iceland to the British channel is also a part of the system of submarine hunting. They show no lights. "It gives one an idea of England’s maritime resources,” said an officer, “when you consider that we have 2,300 trawlers and other auxiliary ships on service.” The trawlers plod over plotted sea squares with the regularity of mowing machines cutting a harvest, on their way back and forth sweeping up mines. They were fishermen before the war, and are fishermen still. "

Separated Years. Toledo, O. —After a separation of 56 years, Mrs. Helen McCullough, a widow of this city, has located her brother, J. D. Bingham, at Kalamazoo, Mich., and has gone there to see him.

KING OF BULGARIA

Bulgaria makes the twelfth nation to tenter the great European war. The picture shows King Ferdinand on his way to the fronL

NIGHT WORK IN WAR

Manning a Roaring Cannon in Total Darkness. Splinter of Shell Whizzes by Writer’s Head and Buries Itself With a Thud in Cliff—Fifteen Shots Fired.

By GABRIEL DELAGARDE.

(Correspondent of the Chicago News.) At the Front, in French army.—We have scarcely finished our dinner when an under-officer appears at our stable door. “Delagarde, Lerrlck, you are to go on duty tonight at the quarry.” And away he goes. We prepare our things. Besides our cartridge case, which contains indispensable toilet articles and a few provisions which a prudent soldier always carries with him, such as biscuits and tinned beef, we each take our blanket, cap and tent canvas, also a cane, and start to mount the hill. Just above us a few German shells fall on the trenches. A fragment of a shell breaks the branch of a tree under which I am sitting. Unfortunately, our guardhouse is badly situated. We are in an old sand quarry, three yards deep, dug almost on the top of a hill. The top is nearly flat and the two adversaries hang on to the sides. A hundred yards separate the two lines of trenches. Our cannon is installed at the foot of a little artificial cliff formed by the excavation of the quarry. Our refuge has been dug alongside. A “150" would soon demolish it

And the refuge is very narrow. It contains two berths formed of wattles and supported by heavy logs. Hardly have we extinguished our candle than a rat races across our faces. And he is promptly followed by friends who come out of a hole above our heads. These poor beasts cannot be very comfortable, for they are devoured by parasites. At about seven o’clock, in our first troubled sleep, we begin to notice explosions which seem rather near. In the dead silence of our shelter and the black night, deadened b/ the walls of earth, these brusque detonations reach us at intervals of one or two minutes. They come from our right, from a place where there is a trench which we know has not many occupants. Doubtles the earth is flying. But the explosions draw nearer. A “minenwerfer” exploding close to us makes us jump. We hear footsteps. A man enters the shelter. We are glad to be disturbed, to get away from the insects and from that mutual compression which was so trying. We could not even move an arm. The lieutenant has sent us orders to fire a few torpedoes in the direction of the wood. We examine our list and mark the direction. Then the head gunner goes out and points the small dark cannon, which is hardly visible in its black hole. We light our way by means of a candle which we have to hide under our coat. It is I who go to bring the torpedoes to the shelter. I crawl in the moon’s rays, silently, and soon return. I place one in the cannon’s mouth. The third gunner attaches the fuse; the head gunner sets a light to the wick and we withdraw hurriedly. Briskly the powder burns with a sputtering noise. Each time the shock of air extinguishes the candle in our shelter. We fire four or five times. A messenger arrives. “The lieutenant says you can Are as many times as you like. Fire chiefly in retaliation, but you can do as you like.” We return to our shelter and discuss the situation. The head gunner says we are to fire to\the right or to the left, but not in front of up, as this would draw the shells our way. The Germans will be deceived as to the direction of our mar chines. (And the unfortunate infantry will pay for it!) We take out our list and mark the direction. Our head gunner, feeling himself at liberty, is anxious to fire. Meanwhile we are being bombarded. During one of my trips to bring the torpedoes a splinter of a shell buzzes over my head and buries Itself with a thud in the cliff. The head gunner gets excited. He wants to keep firing; he would exhaust our ammunition. He admits he is afraid. Besides, he is the head gunner and is anxious to show it. We succeed in calming him. This night work does not appeal to me. Ido it unwillingly and the deaft ening noise of the exploding projectiles which wait for us does not tend to make my heart beat with pleasure. The third gunner, an old, peaceful territorial. thinks the same as I. Moreover, our head gunner expends this energy solely as a reaction against his fear. He is as unwarriorlike as possible; he hates this war. Is it not curious that men like’ that are often the most ferocious? We fire 15 shots. AU is silent. Not a rifle shot, not an explosion. Nothing further troubles the night. As it is really too uncomfortable in the berth I roll myself in my blanket, my tent canvas, and lie down on the ground. It is now two o’clock in the morning. We shall sleep tiU six o’clock, when wo shall be called, for today we have only twelve hours on duty instead ot twenty-four, and thus fortunately only one night to pass nere.

Destructive Heresies

By REV. J. H. RALSTON

«4 Cmapaa&Ma Maadr

TEXT—But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among yon, who privily shall bring In damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.—ll Peter 2:1.

The title of this sermon is taken from the Revised Version of the Holy

those who present such heresies will be subjects of this condemnation. What Is Heresy? Scripturally, one meaning is that it refers to sects or persons, and another that it refers to discords or dissensions. In Peter’s time there were persons in the communities to which he wrote, who were giving out teachings that were not in accord with what he had taught. Notwithstanding that all that Is not in accord with the accepted teaching of the church is not "damnable" nor “destructive,” It Is a simple matter of fact that there have been men, and it is sad to say women, too, who have been bringing in “heresies of destruction.” We re* ceive the suggestion in the text, "false teachers bringing in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them.” The ordinary result of such work has been the securing to these teachers many followers, and bringing upon themselves the destruction which their heresies perforce entails. Many Heresies of Today. Probably never in the history of Christian thought and teaching were there so many “destructive heresies” as today. These are not in accord among themselves, and the man who does not like the truth of God’s Word and has rejected the people of God is greatly perplexed to know what one of the many heresies he should adopt. The followers of these heresies, as a natural result, contend with each other just as bitterly as any one of them contends with the Gospel as accepted by the church through all of Its history, everywhere, and by all (semper, üblque, et ab omnibus). And never in the history of the church were Christians needing to be under guard as today, for these false teachers are not always outside of the church. Peter says they are "among you.” In some cases they have repudiated the church formally, but In many cases they cling to the church, wear its livery and pose as its teachers and leaders. A heresy of today may be one of two things. It may be by an adding to the Word of God, or by omission, Or ignoring some of ft There is hardly a modern religious fad that does not connect Itself in some way with the Bible. The Bible may not be the chief literary authority, but in this country the religionist must come to the people with a profession of love for the Bible. The country Is run over by religionists who sell, or if need be, give, away religious literature, and oftentimes this literature is professedly based oh the Bible. Paul avoided heresy and told the elders of the church at Ephesus that he had not failed to declare unto them the whole counsel of God. The most prominent of the modern teachers of the "destructive heresies” teach much that is in the Bible, but they leave out much which, if given out, would utterly change their teaching, and it is because of this that we speak of their teachings as heretical. Peter sums up the heresy in mind in these words, “denying the Lord that bought them.” Here we have a Safeguard when we come to define heresies of destruction. They are in one way or another denials of Jesus Christ, either of his person or of some phase of his work. Person and Work of Jesus Christ. The great question of questions is, "What think ye of Christ— whose Son is he?" We are confined to the work of Christ as the Son of God. Now* briefly, what is the truth about the person of Jesus Christ? As taught by the church from the beginning, it is that Jesus Christ is the very Son of God, born of the Virgin Mary, we* historically a person in the days of Pontius Pilate, was absolutely sinless in his thought, teaching and life, died as the only sufficient sacrifice for the sins of the world, rose again from the dead, ascended into heaven, where he now sits on the right hand of God, from whence he will come as judge and to be the medltorial king on earth, and after manifesting his kingship fa that form, will yield that kingdom up to God, that God may be u m all.

Scriptures, and at first glance this would suem to be less portentous than the expression in the Authorized Version, "damnable heresies.” As ordinarily understood, “damnation” or “c o n d emnatlon" suggests the eternal punishment of the finally impenitent, and in such a text as this the meaning would be that