Evening Republican, Volume 19, Number 151, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 June 1915 — Page 3

SEEING LIFE with JOHN HENRY

SAY! did you ever put on the goggles and go joy riding with an attack of the grip? It has all other forms of amusement hushed to a lullaby—take it from Uncle Hank. As a Bad Boy the grip has every other disease slapped to a sobbing standstill. It’s dollars to pretzels that the grip germ is the brainiest little bug that was ever chased by a doctor. I was sitting quietly at home reading Maeterlinck on Auction Bridge when suddenly I began to sneeze like a Russian regiment answering roll call. Friend wife was deep in the mysteries of Ibsen’s latest achievement, “The Rise and Fall of the Hobble Skirt,’’ but she politely acknowledged my first sneeze with the customary “Gesundheit!” Then she trailed along bravely with her response for ten or fifteen minutes, but it was no use—l had more sneezes in my system than there are “Gesundheits!” in the entire German nation, including principalities, possessions across the sea, and the Musical Union. “John,” she ventured after a time, "you are getting a cold!” ‘Tm not getting it,” I snifTed; "I have it now.” What a mean, contemptible little creature a grip germ must be. Absolutely without any of the finer instincts it sneaks into people’s systems disguised as an ordinary cold. It isn’t on thq level like appendicitis or Inflammatory rheumatism, both ot which are brave and fearless and will walk right up to you and kick you on the shins, big as you are. Nobody ever knows just what makeup the grip germs will put on to break Into the human system, but once they get a foothold in the epiglottis nothing can remove them except inward applications of dynamite. The grip germ hates the idea of race suicide. I discovered shortly after I had sneezed myself into a condition of pale blue profanity that a newly-mar-ried couple of grip germs had taken a notion to build a nest somewhere on the outskirts of my solar plexus, and two hours later they had about 233

children attending the public school of my medusa oblongata; and every time school would let out for receßS I would go up in the air and hit the celling with my Lima. Before daylight came all these grip children had graduated from school and after tearing down the schoolhouse the whole bunch had married and had large families of their own, and all hands were out paddling their canoes on my alimentary canal. By nine o’clock that morning there must have been eighty-five million grip germs armed with self-loading revolvers all trying to shoot their initials over the walls of my interior department. It was fierce! When Doctor Leiser arrived on the scene I was carrying enough concealed weapons to start something in Mexico. The good old pill pusher threw his saws behind the sofa, put his dip net on the mantlepiece, and took a fall ont of my pulse. "Ah!” he said, after he had noted that my tongue looked like a currycomb. "The same to you, Doc,” I said. “Ah!” he said, looking hard at the wall. "Bay, Doc!” I whispered; “there’sno use to 'cut off my leg, because the germs will hide In my elbow.” “Do you feel shooting pains in the cerebellum near the apex of the cosmopolitan?” Inquired the doctor. “Surest thing you know,” I said. “Have yon a bussing in the ears, and a confused sound like distant laughter in the panatella?” he asked. "It’s a cinch, Doc," I said, r “Do you feel a roaring in the oornucopia with a ticking sensation in the diaphragm?” he asked.

By George V.Hobart

John Henry On Getting Grip

My Friends and Relatives Began to Drop In.

“Right again,” I whispered. “Do the Joints feel sore and pinched like a poolroom?” he said. “Right!” "Does your tongue feel rare and high priced like a porterhouse steak at a summer resort,?” “Exactly!” “Do you feel a spasmodic fluttering in the concertina?” “Yes!” “Have you a sort of nervous hesitation in your hunger and does everything you eat taste like an impossible sandwich made by a ghostly baker from disappearing bread and phantom ham?” “Keno!” “Does your nerve center tinkletinkle like a breakfast bell in a kjtchenless boarding house?” “Right again!” “Have -you a feeling that the germs have attacked your Adam’s apple and that there won’t be, any core?” “Yes!” “When yqp look at the wall paper does your brain do a sort of loop-the-loop and cause you to meld 100 aces or double pinochle?” / "Yes, and 80 kings, too!” "Do you feel a slight palpitation of the membrane of the Colorado madura and is there a confused murmur in your ferain like the sound of a hardworking gas meter?” "You’ve got me sized good and plenty, Doc!” “Do you have insomnia, nightmare, loss of appetite, chills and fever and concealed respiration in the Carolina perfpcto?” “That’s the idea, Doc!” "When you lie on your right side do you have an Impulse to turn over on your left side, and when you turn over on your left side do you feel an impulse to jump out of bed and throw stones at a policeman?” “There isn’t anything you can mention, Doc, that I haven’t got.” "Ah!” said the doctor; “then that settles it.’’ “Tell me the truth,” I groaned. "What Is it—bubonic plague?” "You have something worse —you have the grip,” Doctor Leiser whispered gently. “You see I tried hard to mention some symptom which you didn’t have, but you had them and

the grip is the only disease in the world which makes a specialty of having every symptom known to medical jurisprudence.” Then the doctor got busy with the pencil gag and left me enough prescriptions to keep the druggißt in pocket money throughout the winter. Then my friends and relatives began to drop In and annoy me with suggestions. “Pop” Barclay sat by my bedside and after I had barked for him two or three times he decided I had inflammation of the lungß and was insistent that I tie a rubber band around my chest and rub myself with gasoline. t I told Pop I had no desire to become a human automobile, so he got mad and went home. < But before he got mad he drank six bottles of beer and before he went home he invited himself back to dinner. Then Hep Hardy dropped in and ten minutes later he had me making signs for an undertaker. Hep comes to the bedside of the afflicted in the same restful manner thai a buzzsaw associates with a log of pine. He insisted upon taking my pulse and listening to my heart beats, but when he attempted to turn my eyelids back to see. if I had a touch of the glanders every germ in my body rose in rebellion and together we chased Hep out of the room. ; ° Tim next calamity was Teddy Pearson, who had an apartment on the floor above ns. Teddy had spent the previous night at a Tango party and ever since daylight he had been beating home to Uindward. His cargo had shifted and the seaway was rough. Still clad in the black and white scenery with the silk bean cover some-

THE EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER, TND.

what mussed, he groped across the darkened room and solemnly shook hands with me. Then he aat in a chair by the bedside and began to sing soft lullabies to a hold-over. Presently he reached out his arm and made all the gestures that go with the act of hitting a bell to summon a waiter. Receiving no answer to his thirsty appeal, he arose and said: "This Is a heluva club—rottenest service in this club —s'limit, that’s what it is, s’limit!” Then be hiccoughed his weary way out of the room and I haven’t seen him since. An hour later Uncle Louis Miffendale had looked me over and concluded 1 had galloping asthma, compressed tonsllitis, chillblainous croup and incipient measles. He insisted that I take three grains of quinine, two grains of asperine, rub the back of my neck with benzine, soak my ankles in kerosene, then a little

"Ah!" He Said.

phenacetine, and a hot whisky toddy every half hour before meals. If I found it hard to take the toddy he volunteered to run in every half hour and help me. Then his wife, Aunt Jessica, blew in with a deduction she called catnip tea. She brought it all the way from the Bronx in a thermos bottle so I had to drink it or lose a perfectly respectable old aunt It tasted like a linoleum cocktail — weouw! During the rest of the day every friend and relative I have in the world rushed in, suggested a sure cure and then rushed out again. Peaches tried them all on me and I felt like the inside of a medicine chest. To make matters worse, I drank some dogberry cordial and it chased the catnip tea all over my concourse. Then Peaches, being a student of natural history, insisted that I take some hoarhound, I suppose to bite the dogberry, but it didn’t. Blood will tell, so the hoarhound joined forcfes with the dogberry and chased the catnip up my family tree. Suffering antiseptics! everybody with a different remedy, from snake poison to soothing syrhp—but it cured the grip. Now all I have to do is to cure the medicine.

That Stamped Return Envelope.

“Among the many letters I receive from charitable enterprises asking me to contribute,” said a man' who gives occasionally, “I get now and then one that contains a return addressed envelope with a stamp on It. “This must be an expensive way of sending out circulars, but I am inclined to think it pays. At any rate I know how it impresses one. “I should not feel warranted in using that stamp for my own personal purposes, and of course it would be wasteful to throw it away; and then it seems to me a businesslike method of proceeding, thus to make it very easy for the person addressed to reply. Further, I rather admire the sporting spirit of an institution that is willing to risk a two-cent stamp on the chance of getting something more in return. “So when I get one of those appeals containing an addressed and stamped return envelope I usually put into it and forward a small contribution.”

Brass Band Cures Catalepsy.

An extraordinary instance of the curative power of music is recorded In newspapers recently arrived from Italy. In a Naples hospital lay a certain Francesco Messina who had arrived from New York In a condition of coma. He had been asleep for seven months and nothing the doctors could do wonld arouse him. The Countess Cell, visiting the hospital, suggested that a brass band be engaged to play expressly for the sleeper. The doctors laughed at "her, bat she got the band, brought it to the hospital, stationed it under the window of the ward in which Messina was sleeping and made it play its loudest and liveliest pieces. After an hour of dramming and trumpeting, Messina suddenly sat up, wide awake. He was cured and was at once discharged. This is the third time he has had such a cataleptic attack, the first having been precipitated by his sweetheart jilting him.

Co-Operation.

Gibbsf —So yon went after the job? I'thought you believed that the office should seek the man. Bibbs—l do; but this is a fat job, and I thought It might get winded be* fore it readied me.—Boston Transcript.

New Zealand cavalry photographed as they were leaving Cairo to take part in the operations against the forts on the Dardanelles.

KING OF ITALY LEADS ARMY AT THE FRONT

Action Arouses Enthusiasm in Mo.st Democratic Kingdom in the World. IS MUCH LIKE ROOSEVELT Was Blckly Child and Brought Himself to Hardy Manhood by Bpartan Methods—ls Man of Almost Universal Knowledge and Interested in Much. Rome. —Victor Emmanuel 111 is monarch of the most democratic kingdom in the world. Wizen the plain people of Italy finally forced the nation Into war for the unredeemed Italian lands of Austria, their democratic king decided to share his soldiers’ hardships. His action in taking the field and turning the scepter temporarily over to his uncle, the duke of Genoa, has been received here with the'wildest enthusiasm and the house of Savoy was never more popular than today. Their monarch Just suits Italians. He is more like an American president than a European king. Italy for the most part Is intensely republican, with a leaning to socialism. It Is greatly tinctured with American thought due to the close connection brought about by the return of emigrants from the new world. His majesty Is also republican, with a drift toward socialism. He has made three leading socialists senators and has shown in various ways his determination to solidify his people by exhibiting his tolerance of this most radical section of his subjects. He also requested that his name be included in the list of electors. He Insists that he be considered an ordinary citizen and he never misses recording his ballot at the polls after the fashion of President Wilson. In some ways the king resembles Theodore Roosevelt. He was a sickly child, like the colonel, and brought himself to a hardy manhood by Spartan methods. He is a man of almost universal knowledge, interested In everything, much like the Oyster Bay leader. He possesses great energy. His Part ip War. ' . What will the king do in the war? His part, like the kaiser’s, undoubtedly will consist in going from one part of the battle line to the other encouraging his troops. But Victor Emmanuel possesses too good sense to interfere with his general staffs In the actual flanning of the campaigns. He is a gallant horseman and this Is a source of gratification to the Italians, for their cavalry is not surpassed anywhere in the world. The Italian army officers generally bring back the important prizes in every horse show they enter. In person Victor Emmanuel is thoroughly Italian. His short, powerful figure, sweeping mustachlos and cast of countenance are of a general type often observed throughout Italy. He Is fairer than most of his people, however, and blue-eyed. “Certainly King Victor Emamnuel ia the right man in the right place —the king Italy needs in this supreme moment,” said the poet Gabriele d’Annunzio recently, after an Interview with the monarch. “It would be impossible to imagine a better informed man,” he continued. "On hearing him speak one might almost receive the impression at one moment that he was in Paris conversing with a statesman thoroughly conversant with the subject from the French viewpoint; at others in Berlin, talking with a minister of the German emperor, or in London, in Vienna or Petrograd. The Balkans and Eastern Mediterranean are so familiar to him that he might have lived there all his life. “His lucidity of mind-is astounding, and only surpassed by his unpretentious manner, which puts one completely at ease. There It amazement that this ruler, in addition to fulfilling the duties of state, could absorb so much knowledge and possess such a clear and certain perception of foreign countries, interest and men. Was Bickly Child. When the kins was a child he suffered so badly from rickets that he

BRITISH COLONIALS OFF FOR DARDANELLES

could not walk upstairs and had to be carried. Rarely has a sicklier crown prince been seen. King Humbert placed him under a stern military tutor, Colonel Oslo, who put the little prince through a most rigorous course. He slept always in a cold room and took a cold hath at daybreak. Then came a frugal breakfast. Lessons followed, with special emphasis on those he disliked most. Before the morning was over the prince was In the saddle. No matter how bad the weather, he rode daily. Often he returned to the palace soaked to the skin from a violent rainstorm. He disliked music, a predilection which he retains. When he was ten years old he remarked to his piano teacher, Signora Cerasoli: "Don’t you think that 20 trumpets are more effective than that piano of yours?" In his military studies he made rapid progress. He submitted to all Colonel Oslo’s harshness without a murmur. He often relates as one of the pleasantest memories of his life, his impressions when King Humbert first entrusted to him the command of a company on foot, at the annual review of the Roman garrison. "The excitement Interfered so greatly with my. power of sight," he once said, "that the only people I recognized in the cheering crowd were my dentist and my professor of mathematics.” Then a few years later he received the command of the army corps at Naples. Frivolous and light-headed Neapolitan society looked forward to a worldly-minded prince and rejoiced; but It soon discovered its mistake. The prince, scorning pleasure, devoted himself exclusively to his profession and left his barracks only to go straight back to the Capodimonte palace, where he spent his spare time in perfecting himself in the study of military taetics. Then, on July 29, 1900, his father

TREE DAY AT WELLESLEY

Mias Ruth Banning, queen of the tree-day celebration at Wellesley college.

CARRIED WILL IN HIS SHOE

"Fare-Beater," Injured by a Train, Completes Unsigned Document Before Operation. Wichita, Kan.—When a northbound passenger train on the Orient railway pulled out of Oakford, Okla., a few nights ago, a stranger swung on to the baggage car. At Fhirview the stranger, who gave his name as Wolkirk, attempted to leap from the car and fell under. His left leg was cut in two just below the knee. Before placing him in a conveyance a physician clipped a shred that was holding the left leg together. Before being operated upon the stranger requested that his remaining shoe be taken off. In it was a will disposing of farm property in the state of Washington. Wolkirk had not signed the will, which was so worded as to make hia three children his heirs. He signed it and the operation proceeded..

was assassinated at Monza by the anarchist Bread. Tbe son stepped into the gap immediately. When the prime minister suggested that a proclamation should be addressed to the people and gave a copy to the king, Victor Emmanuel told the minister that he had already written the proclamation himself. When the body of King Humbert was brought to Rome it was found infpossible to dissuade Victor Emmanuel from passing through the whole city j on foot and following the beloved corpse even to the tomb in the Pantheon. This illustrated another trait of the king’s character, a desire to escape the guards who surround and protect him. "To get away all I hare to do is to borrow a motor cal',” he once said. "The queen and myself had a splendid day out in the country by ourselves the other day. I noticed that Ira Nelson Morris, the United States commissioner of the Panama-Pacific exposition. owned a very good Hat car. I asked him to lend it to me for a day, and the queen and I went out to Castel Porziano and had lunch there. Nobody recognized us, not even the police, who had a holiday." The king and queen lead a very simple and informal life for the most part. There is scarcely more ceremony than in the White House. The king does not spend much on his table. The Italians often complain that his wines are an Injustice to the country. What he saves on his cellar the king probably spends on charity, for he is the leader in every good cause. As an illustration of his actions in an emergency an incident of the Calabrian earthquake of 1906 may be cited. When the news of this disaster arrived, the king was holding a grand ball in his castle at Racconigi Without an instant’s hesitation he flung a cloak over his uniform, hurried off U> the scene of action and tirelessly helped in rescuing his hapless subjects. So freely did he expose himself that someone ventured to remonstrate with him. "Why run these unnecessary risks?" urged the courtier. “It is my trade," answered the king grimly.

NEW GLOVES FOR BRAVE COP

Fruit Peddler Bhows His Gratitude to Milwaukee Officer for Baving His Property. Milwaukee.—A pair of white gloves. This is the reward Traffic Patrolman Rohde received for risking his life in stopping a runaway a few days ago. “1 am satisfied," said the patrolman as he looked at his gloves and smiled. William Horowitx, a fruit peddler, was getting on his wagon at Seventh and Vilet streets when the horse shied and ran toward Chestnut street. Patrolman Rohde noticed the horse on the left side of the street, and as he sped past Chestnut street grabbed one of the lines. Hie horse dragged the patrolman. Rohde clung to the lines and soon stopped the horse. When Horowitx came to the scene a few minutes later the patrolman’s gloves were tom and soiled and he was bruised about the face.

BONES ARE NAILED TOGETHER

Bilvsr Plated Spikes on a Fractured Hip Makes Limb as Good as Ever Before. Fond du Lac, Wla.—George Mulhollan. South Byron, who was taken to the hospital six weeks ago suffering from a fractured hip, will leave that institution with his limb In as good condition as it was before. In the reduction of the fracture the surgeons performed a rare operation, the first of its kind in Fond du Lae county. Two tenpenay spikes, silver plated, were nailed througk the hip bone to bring the broken parts together. The bones have now knit and Mr. Mulhollan is able to walk about as well as ever before. -

A "Bully True" Yarn.

Bast Palestine, O—Joseph Knight, who lives oh the Burt farm, south of here, says that in all good faith ha gave one hen on the farm flfteen eggs to hatch. She acoepted the trust and Tuesday, when the fifteen eggs burst open there were eleven chicks and— * Mr. Knight is a truthful man— four kittens.