Evening Republican, Volume 19, Number 113, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 May 1915 — Page 3

CAP and BELLS

VENTILATION WAS TOO MUCH

No Wonder Front Parlor Continued to Sme 11 “Close"—Summer Boarder— Kept Window Open.

"Good morning!” said Mrs. Northey, as she greeted her callers at the front door. "Come right into the parlor—although I’m sure I’m most ashamed to ask anyone in after what my niece, Annie, from the city’s been sayin’. What did she say? Why, she says to me a week ago, 'Auntie, this house smells terrible close this bad, foggy weather. You'd better do somethin’ about it!’ “So I got right to work, and yanked most every bit of furniture except the piano out on the porch, and then I swep', and I cleaned, and I beat, and when there wasn’t a mite of dust or dirt on anythin’, I shut things up again tight’s I could. But this moroin’ Annie comes in and says the very same thing: ‘Auntie, how awful close it does smell in here!’ And there hadn’t been a thing as far’s I could see would git it close for a week. “I was clean discouraged, I tell you. But I've made up my mind now what the trouble us,’’ continued Mrs. Northey, as she sunk her voice to a whisper and looked back cautiously over her shoulder. “We've got a summer boarder up in our front chamber. I've found out she keeps her window open a crack all the time, and I think the fog and the damp smells has Just got Into the house by her room, and that’s why it smells close!” —Youth’s Companion.

The Supreme Test.

"So you think Grace Brown is perfect, my son?” “Why, yes, mother.” “Have you given her temper the supreme test?” "What’s that, mother?”

“Calling up the wrong number on the telephone with a cross operator at the other end and somebody trying to break in on the line.”

DUST AND DIRT.

Johnson —Say, old fellow, don’t you miss your auto terribly since you sold it? Bronson —Not as yet You,see, my wife’s doing her fall housecleaning and I get an exact auto effect from rugbeating.

Reformed.

"Pa, Jimmy Green, the toughest fighter in our gang, has reformed. He says it’s wrong to fight.” “Do you believe him?” "I would, but for one thing.” “What’s that?” "He never talked that way until he broke his arm.”

A Serious Conclusion.

"Is your daughter still taking music lessons?” “No,” replied Mr. Growcher. “After hearing her sing and play lately, 1 have concluded that she doesn’t need a teacher any more. What she wants is a censor.”

Deceptive Appearance.

“Ton can’t judge a man by his clothes.” “No. Many a man with a fancy automobile gets all mussed up trying to Tun it himself.”

The Wise Foot

“There is a time to work and a time -to play, but you can’t combine them,” remarked the sage. “But suppose you are a musician?” asked the fool.

Correct

“What la the most difficult disease yon have to contend with?”, asked ♦tin student. -■ - ; “Imagination,” replied the doctor. *

PERFECT RIGHT TO OBJECT

Man Wearing Pair of Tan Shoes Positively Refueee to Allow Lady Solicitor to Blacken Them.

Mr. Brown had Just thrust his feet beneath his desk and comfortably settled himself for a long afternoon’s work when the office door opened and a lady canvasser mitered with a satchel slung from her shoulder. “An agent!” groaned Mr. Brown, as she advanced to his side. “Good aftemon, sir,” said she, polotely. “Have you any objection to a lady blackening your shoes for you?” “Indeed I have!” responded Hr. Brown, emphatically. “Oh, you mustn’t mind a little thing like that,” said she, reassuringly. “It’s just a matter of business. I’m introducing a new kind of shoe polish, and I can’t sell you some unless I demonstrate to you what it is, can I? So just put out your feet and I’ll black your shoes in a moment.” “I cannot permit it, madam,” asseverated Mr. Brown. “On no account will I permit you to do such a thing.” “I know, a great many gentlemen do object to letting a lady do such Work, and a very great credit it is to their gallantry," said the lady salesagent, simpering. “Oh, I don’t mind that,” asserted Mr. Brown, interrupting her. “Why, what is your objection, then?” “Mine are tan shoes.”.

AIM IS POOR.

First Policeman —Why do you think she didn’t intend to hit her husband when she threw the plate at him? Second Policeman —From the mere fact that she hit him.

Disillusioned.

The cub reporter reported to the office. He was distrait, blue, broken in spirit. “What ails thee, child?” queried the kind-hearted city editor. “It was my first assignment,” explained the cub, “and I found out that another legend has gone glimmering. De Fault, the thieving bank cashier, never taught in Sunday school.”

May Lead to Contempt.

He—Do you know, you are so clever and charming and brilliant that I really feel embarrassed in your presence. She —But you mustn’t; really, you mustn’t. He (reassuringly)—Oh, I dare say HI get oyer it when I know you better. —Life.

The Wretch!

The general joker was watching a suffragette and anti playing anagrams.

“Here is one women should know how to use,” said the genial joker, giving them the letters otsve. “It’s votes!” cried the suffragette. “Guess again,” said the anti. ‘lt’s stove.” —Judge.

Not Comfortably.

“A lot of woman customers in a shoe store,” remarked the clerk, “seem to forget the simplest rules of arithmetic.” “What do you mean?”

“It is mighty hard to convince them,” he replied, “that ‘six into three’ won’t go.”

Two of a Kind.

“Yes,”, said the young drug clerk, who had been trotting in double harness for nearly three weeks, ‘Tve sure got a boss wife.” “Well, you have my sympathy,” rejoined the man who had dropped in to buy a bottle of hair restorer. “I’ve got that kind of a wife myself.”

A Shame.

“What is the matchless stabssn tn peeved about?” “Because he is a matchless statesman.”

“I don’t get yon?” r “He has a cigar and no one in the crowd has a match.”

Does It Now.

Hobbs —I wish someone would invent an alarm dock that would not wake one, but make one want to get up. Dobbs —Mine does that —It makes me want to get up and fire it out the window. < -$

Her Way.

“That woman across the way treats her husband like a dog.” “Poor man!” “Oh, he likes it. She’s always feed* ing and petting him ”

Their Claes.

“Some malicious former must have sowed thank-yan-maxms on this road.” “Well, if he did, he’s raised a bumper crop.”

THE EVENING REPUBLICAN RENSSELAER. IND.

MORDECAI BROWN DESCRIBES RECORD SAME

“I’ve played in and watched a good many bn.ll games in my time,” sayß Mordecai Brown, the noted pitcher, now with the Chicago Federals, “but the record game of them all was staged in St. Louis last season. I was working againßt Seaton. In the twelfth inning, with the score tied, Brooklyn came up and made seven runs. It got so bad that the last two men struck out on purpose to end the game before darkness, or we might never have retired the side. “Then, with that seven runs handicap and Seaton pitching, we came in and made eight runs with two still on and only one out We could have made three or four more, and I believe they would have done the same. Yet there are people who try to dope out this blooming game.”

ONLY A FEW VETERANS LEFT

Twenty-four of the 330 Players Who Figured in War of 1902 Still Remain In the -Big Arena. »

Although only 24 of the 330 ball players who figured in the American and National league raees of 1902, the last year of the American league baseball war, still remain in the big arena, a team composed of these veterans, all of ■tfh.om have been in the game upward of 14 seasons, would be capable of holding its own, with any that might be selected today. All of these players are far above the average in intelligence, which accounts for their remaining in the game so long, are excellent fielders, great batsmen, and with one or two exceptions, grand base runners. This all-star team would ’line up as follows:

Matthewson, Plang and Hess, pitchers; Bresnahan and Dooin, catchers; Lajoie, first base; Evers, second base; Wagner, shortstop; Wallace, third base; Callahan, left field; Leach, center field; Crawford, right field. 1 The manager for this team could be selected from among John McGraw, Fielder Jones, Clark Griffith, Hugh Jennings, Wilbert Robinson and Fred Clarke, as all of these former stars were in the game in 1902, Griffith and McGraw being pilots, as now.

JOHNSON PREDICTS HOT RACE

President of American League Tells of Loss to Athletics and Bracing of Other Clubs. —i—

President Ban Johnson looks for a great race in the American league next season. Says Ban: “The addition of Eddie Collins to the White Sox, the loss of Mack’s veteran pitchers and the retiring of Baker, If he really quits; the strengthening of the Red Sox and the general "bracing of the clubs will make the race a hummer. The Athletics have been virtually shot to pieces. This* will make every club in the league hustle, for a good bit of the fear which the old-timers

President Ban Johnson.

caused in the younger players will be ihisffing. Then the western clubs will he stronger this year. The race should keep the fans on their toes all of the time.”

Worries of Boston Braves.

“The Cardinals and Cubs will be our worries in chief; we do not regard them lightly.” This Is the summing up of the 1915 National league proposition as expressed by “Rabbit” Maranvflle of the champion Boston Braves.

Speed McDonald’s Hard Luck.

Speed McDonald, utility Los Angeles Infielder, broke an ankle sliding to a base In a worttout Just a week before the Coast league season opened.

LIFE-LONG JOB FOR WAGNER

“Flying Dutchman" Can Play With Pittsburgh Pirates as Long as He Likes—His Career.

Honus Wagner can play with the Pittsburgh team as long as he likes. Barney Dreyfuss, president of the Pirates, recently made this announcement. Barney arfys that when the big shortstop is too slow for a regular position he will be used for pinch hitting and when he is no longer able to deliver pinch hits he will be used as a coach for young players. Wagner is growing old, but he is far from being all in as a ball player. He should be good for two or three seasons more at the least. He is a wpll-preserved ath-

Honus Wagner.

lete and always takes good care ot himself.

Wagner, familiarly known as the “Plying Dutchman,” was born in Carnegie, Pa., February 24, 1874. He played professional ball for the first time In 1895 with the Steubenville (O.) team, and later in the same season joined the Warren team of the Iron and Oil league. The following year he joined the Paterson (N. J.) team, where he played two seasons. In 1897 he broke into the big show ad a member of the Louisville National league team.

During the three years he was with Louisville he was shifted from first base to third base, And finally to the outfield. In 1900 the Louisville team was transferred to Pittsburgh. Honus has been a member of the Pirates ever since.

PLAYERS ARE POOR BARBERS

Stuffy Mclnnis Will Never Again Allow Harry Davie and Larry Lajo ie to Bhave Him.

'Larry Lajoie Is making good at second base for the Athletics, bnt he isn’t qualifying as a barber at aIL Stuffy Mclnnis will vouch for that. - On a recent barnstorming trip of the Athletics Stuffy needed a shave badly. The hotel barber shop was full. Lajoie and Harry Davis volunteeed as barbers. -t Lajoie stuffed a towel under Stuffy’s chin. Davis applied the lather. Then Harry shaved Mclnnis. The shave didn’t meet with the approval of Larry. He insisted upon going over Stuffy's face again. He used an upstroke where Davis had used downward strokes. Davis wasn’t satisfied until he had turned the trick once more.’ Mclnnis was game and, in spite of the way his face smarted and burned, he stuck it out to the finish.

Two days later, however, Mclnnis wouldn’t accept another shave from the Davls-Lajoie combination. “Never again,” said Sfoffy. “I want to keep my face."

STREAK OF LIGHTNING

Shortstop Maranville Regarded as Wonder of Baseball.

He Is About the Blze of a Boy, With Bpeed of a Jackrabblt, and a Mighty Btrong Arm—Has Odd Way of Catching a Fly.

Rabbit Maranville, shortstop of the Boston Braves, is the lightning spark of this amazing team. He is a wonder of baseball, being the size of a boy with the speed of a Jackrabblt and the arm of Moriarty.

When fans go out to see the Braves play they go chiefly to see Johnny Elvers, the great trio of pitchers—and Maranville.

Chief among the attractions is the manner in which he catches a fly. He dashes after it and then stands looking up at it as it descends. His arms lie loosely at his sides. He doesn't set himself a particle. It nears him, faster and faster.

Just as it comes on a level with his head he puts his hands together

“Rabbit” Maranville.

at his waist and nonchalantly catches it. He is the only star in captivity who catches a ball in this remarkable manner.

Fans gasp when he performs the stunt. They are always looking for him to drop it —but he apparently never does.

Maranville geta a grounder unlike other shortstops. He gathers up the ball In a most unconcerned fashion and can whip it across at fearful speed. One has to wonder where he gets the strength. There is no jerk to his movement, no effort whatever. Then, when he is at the bat. He has a short, heavy stick. This he holds in the middle so that about a foot and a half is left to crack the ball. And it’s no infrequent thing to see him whale a double or a triple. The lad has all sorts of pep and works like a whirlwind with Evers around second.

Nobody wanted this little fellow be* cause he “wasn’t big enough for ?ast company.” George Stallings signed Maranville and said to him then: “You’re just the man I want. • My idea of a shortstop is a small man. He can get over the ground faster than a big man. Don’t worry about your size, Maranville. Just cover the ground and I’ll keep you with this big show.” And Maranville was relieved of the worry of stature and—did he make good?

Johnny Evers and Stallings claim that he is the greatest shortstop that ever played the game! Of course, .that’s a Boston claim but, truth to tell, Maranville played the position in a dazzling way during the Braves’ thrilling rush to the front. All of which goes to show that a man who is fast, game, and a hitter can get along no matter if he is not higher thAn a top hat.

BASEBALL NOTES

Brancn Rickey and Bill Donovan are said to be carrying on negotiations for the exchange of a few players. * • • Securing a second baseman to replace McLarr? is worrying the management of the Louisville club. • • • President Thomas of the Cubs declares this will be a banner year in baseball. Carrying the banner? 1 * • • Manager Rebel Oakes of the Pittsburgh Rebels believes he has another Chief Bender in Pitcher Clinton Rogge. * * * The Pittsburgh club has given Southpaw Pitcher George Sister, the Michigan university recruit, his unconditional release. • • The Montreal chib has traded Outfielder Frank Klppert to the Seattle club of the Northwestern league for Pitcher Fullerton. * • • Shortstop Heinie Wagner has -‘come back” strong. His arm is in better condition than ever. The only thing worrying Boston now Is, can he stay back?

TURNED UPSIDE DOWD

By FRANK FILSON.

(Copyright, 1915. by W. O. Chapman.) A sudden Jar; the elevator stopped, and Cyrus Hodgson found himself resting at the top of the cage, among a miscellaneous company, which included his stenographer, Miss Perkins, three business men, two ladies, a tout, a peddler and a much surprised elevator man.

From the adjoining elevators came shouts and cries. Nobody knew what had happened for a while; then it was seen that the elevators were upside down.

“Something gone wrong with the machinery?*’ demanded Hodgson. Fortunately the elevator had stopped almost on the level of a floor. With a little difficulty the passengers scrambled out

The strangest thing met. their eyea Everything was upside down; in fact they were walking on the ceiling. Six feet above his head Hodgson saw the handle of a door, on which was painted, upside down, the name “Jones & Co., Patent Attorneys.” “If you’ll lend me your shoulders, I’ll climb up and get into that room,” volunteered Hodgson to a stout man who stood beside him. The stout man consenting, Hodgson clambered up and opened’ the door. He entered a business office. There was nothing remarkable about it, except that the desk, safe, table and chairs, together with a couple of typewriters and a number of papers, rested on the ceiling.

Hodgson opened the window and looked out down Broadway. Then he realized the situation. "By some unaccountable mischance every building in Broadway was resting upside down. Including the city hall and the trees around it The street cars were upside down upon the tracks. Groups of wayfarers were clustered together, apparently dazed; they stood and pointed aimlessly about them. “O Mr. Hodgson, what has happened?" exclaimed a voice behind him. Cyrus Hodgson, turning, beheld Mlbs Perkins, pretty, ,and twentythree, gazing at him in unutterable woe.

"I don’t know what this means,” she cried, “but I promised mother not to be late, and I was so glad you didn’t keep me this afternoon. And now how am I going to get home to Brooklyn?”

Cyrus Hodgson had been aware for some weeks that he loved his stenographer, but, being nearly forty, he had thought himself too old to think of marriage with her. Now something in the way she leaned on him gave him new courage. Almost he proposed to her. However, Just as the words were trembling on his Ups they reached —the top of the Platt building!

They were alone, for none had followed them in that long journey. They stood side by aide beneath the noble stairway, which towered and wound above them to a dizzy height. Under their feet, some thirty feet, perhaps, lay the magnificent dome. And far overhead they saw the level of Broadway.

The Platt building was resting on its dome, and there was no egress. It had occurred to nobody to cut a door in the dome, because such a contingency had occurred to nobody. "O Cyrus, how ever am I going to get home to Brooklyn?” Miss Perkins interrupted tearfully. Admirable girl! thought Hodgson as he gazed bn her. Even this catastrophe had failed to move her from her sense of the home duties.

"Cheer up, Miss Perkins,” said Hodgson, slipping his arm about her waist. “There’s no doubt a fleet of aeroplanes will be organized to take us from the upper levels. At present we are simply off our bases.”

Miss Perkins’ head went down on Cyrus Hodgson’s shoulder. The sensation of that wealth of hair against his cheek threw the man’s prudence to the winds. "Miss Perkins—Ada, I love you,” he

cried. "I love you, but I thought I was too old for you. Now I can restrain myself no longer. I want to be your husband, to pass through life with you—yes, even if our lives are to be in the Platt bulldog for ever and ever.”

"This is so unexpected—so sudden, Mr. Hodgson.” faltered Miss Perkins. “But my answer —may I answer you when it is more private?" Of a sudden Cyrus Hodgson perceived that they were alone no longer. They were in the elevator, but right side up, and a sympathetic crowd surrounded them. He was lying on his back and Miss Perkins was bending oyer him. "Nasty jar you got, Mr. Hodgson.” said the elevator man. “I couldn’t .help it. I was closing the gate and I warned you not to jump, as you always da Why, you’re 411 right now, sir." Hodgson staggered to his feet and looked about him. He was standing at the bottom of the Platt building, which had resumed its right position, and Miss Perkins was by his side, dabbing his forehead with eau de cologne. "Thank heaven you are better, dear,” she murmured. He slipped his' arm about her. "What was I saying?" he asked T *^Ohf r Cyrus—let us talk it over where we can be more private,” answered Mis* Perkins. 'W&uBBBKamK.