Evening Republican, Volume 19, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 February 1915 — Page 3

CURRENT WIT and HUMOR

HE WAS, STRICTLY NEUTRAL Diner Order* Conglomeration of Pishes to Comply With President Wilson's Late Request. Two homeless New Yorkers were taking their Sunday dinner at a restaurant They were friends, but each was concealing from the other the fact that he had no other place to SO. The first man to arrive had ordered his dinner and when the second man joined him the waiter was serving it The layout consisted of roast turkey, German fried potatoes, Vienna schnitzel, French rolls, Brussels sprouts, English muffins, Hungarian goulash and Russian caviare. “Good Lord, man,” gasped the late arrival, “what’s that crazy conglomeration you have ordered?” ‘Oh, that’s all right,” replied the other thankfully. ‘You know President Wilson has asked all good Americans to preserve strict neutrality. I'm a good American and this is a neutrality* dinner. See?”

Comical Reasoning.

“Get off from this place and stay off!” roared the colonel. “Confound you, I won’t have a worthless scoundrel around who steals everything he can lay his hands on!” “Well, uh, law suzz, sah!” returned Brother Bogus. “Dat’s funny! A pusson would ’magine, cuhnel, dat ’twould be a comfort to yo’ to have dat sawtuh nigger round handy, uhkaze when anything was miss in’ yo’d know right whuh ’twuz at. Yo’ does reason mighty comical, sah!”—Puck.

Worried.

"I am worried about my boy.” “He looks all right to me.” "i; know, but I have never found a dead mouse or an apple core or a snake* In his pocket in my life.” ‘Well, why in • the world should your* "I’ve always read that a normal boy always—” "Never, except in the funny papers. What you need is a more serious line of reading.”

Somewhat Caustic.

“This Is the greatest town in the world,” said the proud citizen. “It’s so healthy here that people never die. They simply dry up and blow away." “Umph!” replied the saturnine stranger. “Some people about here evidently blow away at such a great rate that they don’t know what it means to dry up.”

TRUE.

The Comedian—lt certainly does bore one to death. The Soubrette —What does? The Comedian—A mad bulk

Not All Dark.

"There is a bright side to war.” "I can’t believe iL” “Oh, yes. There is nothing doing at the Rat Mort, the Moulin Rouge is deserted and since there are no American tourists in Paris to cater to, its ‘made-to-order’ wickedness has taken a slump.”

Playing Safe.

Shortleigh—Hare you sufficient confidence in me to lend me & dollar? DeLong—Sure! And I’m going to Jceep my confidence in you—along with the dollar.

Steady Occupation.

"A woman has to giro up a great deal after she gets married,** sighed Mrs. Q&bb. "A man does nothing else but give «p after he gets married.** replied Mr. Ctabb. . :

Matter of Sex.

Newpop—Our befay Is only nine months old and **" talk. Bomeone told me It was a boy baby. •

WAR IS PLEASING TO WOMAN

Wife of East End Heavyweight Gentleman Hopes Terrible Struggle Will Last Forever. Mr. McGovern, a heavyweight gentleman of London’s Blast end, who had never been known to work, but who, nevertheless, has added to the population of the earth in figures up to ten, suddenly became heroic, and enlisted. The following dialogue took place between Mrs. McGovern and a lady, Mrs. McGovern being happy and complacent in the receipt of her 27-6 from war office* Mrs. McGovern —Good morning; miss. Lady—Good morning, Mrs. McGovern. I hear Mr. McGovern has gone to the war. Mrs. McGovern (cheerfully) —Yes, miss. Lady—Well, Mrs. McGovern, what do you think of this terrible war? Mrs. McGovern—Lord, lady! I hope it will last forever! —Judge.

How He Knew.

“You say,” said the attorney for the defense, “that though the night was very dark, you saw Rastus Johnson leaving your hencoop at midnight from your bedroom window?” “Yes, sir,” said the plaintiff. “How could you distinguish him in the blackness of the night?” demanded the attorney. “Why—er,” said the plaintiff, "the darkness was so much blacker all of a sudden that Rastus’ presence there was obvious. No other human being could cast such a shadow on anything so dark as that night already was.” — Judge.

SOMETHING WRONG.

Woman—The airshaft’s out of order. Janitor—What ails it? Woman —I can’t hear a word that’s being said in the apartment below.

Paw Knows Everything.

Willie —Paw, how do you describe a talk given by one man? Paw—That’s a monologue, my son. Willie —And what is a talking act between two men? Paw —A dialog, my son. Willie—And what is a talking act between two women? Paw—A catalogue, my son. Maw—Willie, you go down in the cellar and stay there.

A Woman’s Strategy.

1 “I once heard of a sadly henpecked man who made friends with a mouse and by keeping the little animal always about him contrived to get the the upper hand.” “A strange story. How long did that state of affairs continue?” “Only a short while. The man’s wife introduced a cat and the moment the cat pounced on the mouse she pounced on her husband.”

In Petrograd.

The American war correspondent approached the Russian censor with due humility. “Would it be proper,” he began, "to call the children of the Little White Father Czardines?” Which is another reason for those Siberian horrors.

Dixmude After Rain.

“The names of towns and cities in the war zone are sometimes given curious pronunciations.” “What is the latest example you have heard?” “An old gentleman commented on the fierce fighting that took place at ‘Dixmuddy.’ ’’

Suffragettes, Perhaps.

“Whenever I see two women engaged in whispered conversation I always suspect them of undermining somebody’s character.” ‘You shouldn’t be so cynical. Nowadays it’s possible that one may be telling the other whom to vote for.”

A Fellow Feeling.

- A mystic says it is always painful* for him to come back to earth,” remarked Gadsby. “I’m In the same boat,” said Jagson. “Every time I come back to earth 1 have a headache.” *

Up to Snuff.

Arthur —Uriah Unison made m gnat hit at school during the hay fever season. Anna-How? Arthur —He invented a college yell with a sneeze in iL—Judge.

A Great Gift

“They say she Is splendid in amateur theatricals.” “She’s a wonder, She can make the most painful tragedy a source of geae-

THE. EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER. IND.

INTERNED BRITISH JACKIES KNITTING

British sailors Interned in Holland amusing themselves with knitting and similar occupations. -

TOP OF HOUSE BED; DON’T KNOW IT BELOW

Pont-a-Mousson Doctor and Wife Have Shell Surprise in Morning. SOLDIERS GO ON A STRIKE Stick In Trenches and Refused to Charge Until Artillery Cleared the Way—Valor of Troops of Southern France Questioned. y By A. R. DECKER. (Correspondent of the Chicago News.) Pont-a-Mousson, France.—The doctor and his wife inhabit a three-story house on the side of the Place du Roi farthest from the Germans. Because of the open square in front, there is nothing to intervene between them and the German shells, to make them explode before reaching the residence of the doctor. So, to escape the bombardments, the doctor and his wife eat, sleep and live in the kitchen, which is on the corner of the house farthest back and farthest down. Listens to "Music” of the Bhells. One evening, as was his custom, the doctor, having finished dinner, was consulting the memoranda of his calls for the day and for the day’s work to come. He heard the usual whistling 'and exploding of shells and left his notes long enough to throw open the window, the better to hear the “music.” It was cold, blowing and raining. , “Tiens!” said the doctor; "what a night for the boys in the trenches.” ■ “Yes,” his wife replied. “How sorry I feel for them.” - S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s. Bang! “That one went to Marin’s, I think.” “Lucky we are safe here.” 8-s-s-s-s-s-b-s-s-s. Boom! “Not Far From Here, That One.” “Another one, and not far from here, either! Are the Prussians going to bombard us forever? Why don’t they fire on the batteries? They only waste their ammunition!” The bombardment eventually stopped, and the couple went to bed, to dream of screaming shells and sugar at double price. In the morning the doctor started on his round of calls, and his wife climbed the stairs. to open the and let in the chance sunshine, which comes only occasionally and stays only a short time in this wet country. Imagine her surprise to find that a shell had exploded in the house and had made matchwood of the furniture and woodwork of the top story. A Kansas whirlwind is the only rival of a shell turned loose in a house. The doctor’s house was a mixture of plaster, rugs, beams, stones, planks and tiles. The marvel is that the wind and rain had prevented the doctor and his wife from knowing when their home was hit War No Longer a Circus. When the war first tame to Pont-a-Mousson it was like the arrival of a circus. The sleepy little town was for once awakened from its lethargy and furnished with a big excitement The soldiers filled the street, crowding the shops and flirting with the girls, who were smitten with the brass buttons. Gradually this has all changed. Food began to rise in price. , Many articles became totally lacking. 7 There was no work, winter came on, as* military discipline drew the lines closer and closer until now one is virtually a prisoner. And the Germans are still here; ■ bombarding us nearly every day and constantly threatening a new invasion. Slowly the somber dond of death

and misery has been drawn down until there is scarcely a family which has not lost a father, a brother, or a son. As I walk through the market I see a bent old mother confiding her misery to an equally miserable young widow. The saddest are the young widows, with one or two little children. Each day I see two or three more young women in mourning. The whole town seems sad, inexpressibly sad. A battalion of ’chasseurs was made up almost entirely of men from Pont-a-Mousson. t Two-thirds of this battalion have been lost. Southern Boldiers Criticized. The French soldier from the south of France is said usually to be Icbs courageous than his brother from the north and east. This has been shown many times, I am told, in the battles of August, September, October and November. At Morhange, in the early days of the war, the French advanced against a superior force of Germans, unsupported by artillery. There was a complete German victory, and every French officer was made prisoner or killed. The remnant of the French army fled in disorder for 50 kilometers. It is asserted that the rout was caused by the failure of the southern soldiers to stand up to the flghL In the early part of September the Germans Bwarmed out of Metz and hurled three army corps against the French force that had been ordered to protect the “crown” of Nancy. The French troops were composed of two army corps, the Twentieth and another. The Twentieth corps is composed of. soldiers recruited from the north and east, and other corps of men from the south, from the “Midi.” A series of unfortunate events brought the Germans up to the Bois de Champenoux, in front of the plateau of Armance. There is a rumor that the commandant of a fort was derelict in hie duty and failed to de-

ROSES LURE GOAT FROM CANS

R.ow Results, Police Called In, and Angora Is Ordered to,Keep Off the' Lawn. Atlanta.—Red roses and their appeal to the appetite of an angora goat have kicked up a neighborhood row which the police have been called in to arbitrate. The roses bud on the lawn of John Cunningham’s home, No. 33 Colquitt avenue. The goat, the property of a neighbor, is supposed to browse in a nearby pasture; but, according to Mr. Cunningham, this is mere supposition. He complains that for the past three weeks the goat has wandered off the farm and, lured by crimson buds, has wrought havoc on the Cunningham lawn. He declares the goat has developed an appetite for the flowers which results in the mastication of six or seven roses a-day. Mr. Cunningham could stand it no longer. The police station was called and an officer who Investigated issued orders that hereafter the goat must confine his meals to his own grass and tin cans.

WAR BRINGS WHISKER CRAZE

Fashions of Crimean War Days Reappear In London—Style in Mustaches. London.—lt looks as though there would be a revival of the hirsute fashion of the days of the Crimean war. There is some disquiet in correct military circles over the tendency of some *n t) altems to acquire short side whiskers after the pattern of butlers on the stage. This is regarded as an insidious feeler toward the fall-blown Bide whiskers of Crimean days The very suggestion has caused prank Richardson to burst out into at least six abusive synonyms. The mustache cultivated recently by the military has been for some time of the toothbrush or bristle variety. The new festoon, of which the Londo* ' sfaNeti fast now offer many distressinf examples, Is to abbreviate the toothbrush on the upper Up until ft

Btroy several bridges whUh were la range of bis guns. These bridges permitted the Germans to move quickly and bring with them their heavy artillery. Throw Down Guns and Run. At the first 1 " charge, it is said, the soldiers from the "MidF* threw down their guns, tore off their haversacks and ran, crying: "Save yourselves!" The battle line stretched from Ste. Genevieve beyond the Bois de Champenoux, with the Twentieth corps at the end near Ste. Genevieve, and joining the other corps, which faced the German left wing. The panic of the French right wing 1 left a wide road clear for the Germans directly to the doors of Nancy. But the Twentieth stretched its line to front the three German corps and heroically awaited the charge. The Germans advanced after a heavy rain of projectiles, and, with crowded ranks, music ahead, charged the thin French line. So Valiantly and determinedly did the Twentieth hold that the Germans were repulsed with enormous losses. There was an actual strike in the trenches here recently. All plans had been laid for a French attack at two o'clock. However, the territorials refused to march. This sounds like a strong statement, but I have it from the soldiers themselves, and from other sources. The Germans are so well intrenched that the territorials feel it would be suicide to charge with the bayonet. So they went on strike until the artillery shall have destroyed the trenches. They say charging trenches is not their work; something like asking the cook to make beds when there is also a chambermaid. Agree to Bhoot Wildly. ; A section of the extreme right of the French army of the Woevre, guarding a part of the Haupt de Rieupt, was on extremely good terms with the opposing German force. Both Germans and French were territorial troops, com* posed of family men. They visited each other often, exchanging wine and cigars, and showing each other portraits of their wives and children. Finally, they agreed that it was foolish to kill each other and leave their families in misery. So they made a compact to shoot over each other’s heads when their officers insisted that they fire. This condition, went on for nearly two months and a half. Meanwhile, unknown to the French territorials, the French engineering corps had been ' digging a mine with which to blow up the German trenches with melinite. At last the French soldiers persuaded the Germans to end the situation by* deserting in a body. So one day the Germans left their trenches, and, holding a white flag in advance, came toward the French lines, expecting to be welcomed by the French territorials. But in a house back of the French trenches the French officers saw the movement, and pressed the button which exploded the melinite in front of the German trenches. There was a flash, a deafening report. The Germans flew into the air! Few escaped death or serious injury. The French territorials were enraged because of the action of their officers, and wept because of this seeming treachery to their German opponents. lam perfectly satisfied that this is a true account, but it must also be kept in mind that it is a common belief among French officers that the Germans frequently show the white flag as a ruse, in order to get closer to the French lines.

is no more than a square bristly patch under the nose.

WOMAN RULES SOISSONS

Mme. Marcherez, with, four other noble women, remained In Soissons when It was bombarded, and aided the army doctors in their work under shell fire. She saved the city from destruction by boldly assuming the office of mayor, organizing a system of requisition for the German army and com-pelling-the German authorities to accept a reasonable tribute and respect the needs of the civil population. When the English drove the. Germans out of Soissons Mme. Marcherez continned to administer the dutiee «f mayor.

THE MISANTHROPHE

By ETHEL WARD MESERVEY.

(Copyright. 1914, by W. G. Chapman.) "Vapid, profitless, almost unendurable," was the way Ralph Burt described life as it presented itself to his distorted view. Then he became very much ashamed of the misanthropic utterance. He glanced about his lonely but elegant home, he looked ihto a mirror and noted the unusual glow of health upon his cheeks, he realized that he had not a real care in the world. Outside the birds were singing, the flowers blooming, all radiant nature breathing purity, peace and promise. The sun shone at its brightest. Its rays glorified the redolent garden. Beyond it lay a sportsman’s paradise—stables, kennels, garage and hangar. It represented the latest facilities for pleasure. “Yes, with all this, I may well be ashamed of myself for finding nothing worth living for!” murmured Burt, self-reproachfully. Burt went out to the spot where the hangar was located. With the assistance of his hired man the superb biplane he operated was wheeled out. He had become quite an expert aviator and enjoyed his air trips greatly. Under his expert direction the machine struck an upward lateral course, a thing of life and beauty. He enjoyed the rare exhibition of pure air and bird-like speed immensely. Ten miles accomplished, Burt volplataed to a meadow stretch to adjust a trivial defect In the control mechanism. He had Just got in trim to resume his cloud work, when a shout down the highway attracted his attention. With both interest and indignation the amateur airman observed a lad of about fourteen running towards him as if for his life. Struggling behind him, but in hot pursuit, were three men. They were shouting and gesticulating. One carried a cane, which he waved menacingly. A second had picked up a lot of stones. These he hurled with varied* aim after the running boy. “You young rascal!” roared the man in advance. “Drop it, I tell you, or 11l have you jailed!” But the little fellow never heeded the threatening cries and actions of his pursuers. He forged straight ahead, momentarily nearing the spot where Burt stood. “This way! This way!" shouted Burt, as the boy came nearer. "Climb under the fence." "Oh! off!” yelled the lad Just at that moment, in frantic pain. "Brace up!" cried Burt, leaning over and lifting the lad dear of the entangling wires. "Now, then, who are those men?” "Villains! They'll kill me—and you, too. Oh, they're coming!" They were, indeed, but Burt was going. He lifted the helpless lad in his arms bodily, and made a run for the biplane. "Don’t get frightened," he ordered, placing his charge in the seat behind the pilot post and hurriedly strapping him in. - "Quick, mister! oh, quick as you can!" insisted his passenger, with a terrified glance at the fence. The three pursuers had arrived. One tried to jump the fence mid his feet tripped and Jhe fell with a thud. A second attempted to crawl under the . lower wire and his clothing had become entangled. "Don’t you interfere with that boy or you’ll be liable to the law!” he shouted at Burt. The latter paid no attention to the threat He sprang to the pilot seat Chug-chug—whirr! and the biplane went aloft like ah arrow. The dismayed and chagrined men below vainly vented their wrath on the rescuer who had baffled them. The little fellow sat spellbound with delight at* the rare sensation of an air flight he had never dreamed of. For the first time in his life Ralph Burt had found his mind invested with real human interest. It elevated him. An actor in an (exciting and unusual circumstance, lie was eager to learn what lay behind the strange Incident of the hour. Soon he knew all about it, for when the biplane landed on home ground he took his passenger into his library and questioned him. It came out that he and his sister, Eleanor, were practically prisoners in the power of one of his three pursuers, Giles Warden. Fearing foul play, the sister had that day given him the will of her dead fatherf with the injunction to place it in the hands of some lawyer for safety and action. Hence the pursuit. "Righting a wrong—quite heroic!* commented Burt's lawyer, when he ■pas made aware of the facts in the case. "Why, your new experience has made you look like a new man. 11l soon have this affair straightened out." It was with a good deal of surprise that . Ralph met "Sister Eleanor” a week later. He had supposed her to be S' little girl. Instead, confusedly* he listened to the thanks of A beautiful young lady. 1 "Yon have saved Miss Morley from captivity and the loss of her fortune," advised the lawyer. “She may continue to need a friend.” Day by day Ralph Bo*?* htort wanned to new impulses. There came * finality presaging lasting con* tentmenL It iraa triton Eleanor b*» more than a friend- **' - ’