Evening Republican, Volume 18, Number 258, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 October 1914 — SMILES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SMILES

MUFFLED KNOCKS. "No, you’re not at all in the way, Borus; I’ll step right over you when I want to go out.” “It’s so kind of you to ask me to your house, Mrs. Tungley! 11l call some evening when I have nowhere else to go.” “Bobby, I’ve warned you not to watch people when they eat; you’re embarrassing Cousin Cyrus so much that he’v spilling gravy all qver the tablecloth." “It’s a pleasure to lend you thia money, old chap; 7’ll not see you again, probably, for a year." “Certainly, Mr. Spooner; I .shall be delighted to have you caU some day next week. I start for Europe tomorrow morning.” “These are just the kind of cakes mother used to make, Mrs. Irons; she was about the poorest cook you ever saw.” A* Vain Hope. “What are you saving all your money for?" asked tfie man who doesn’t hesitate to ask questions. “I want to become independent," replied the conscientious citizen, “so that I can serve my fellow men without thought of compensation.” “Nonsense! If you ever get that much money your fellow men will regard you with fierce suspicion as a representative of big business." Offhand Suggestion. “A man is fortunate when his wife regards him as a man whose wisdom can always be depended on." “Yes," replied Mr. Growcher; “but that confiding faith can be carried too far. It’s embarrassing to have your wife tell the company that dinner will be fifteen or twenty minutes late, and that while they are waiting you will explain all about the tariff and banking and currency.” ’ . THEY’D HAVE BEEN EXTINCT.

Mrs. Baikbeen—You bad no ancestors! Mine landed on Plymouth Rock! Baikbeen—Yes, and I wish Plymouth Rock had landed on your ancestors. Too Much. A young theologian named Fiddle Refused so accept his degree, “For,” said he, “ ’tjs enough to be Fiddle, ■r Without being Fiddle, D. D.” A Kindness. Young Lady—A friend of mine .is engaged to a man, and now he refuses to marry her. What would you advise her to do? _ Old Lawyer—ls the man wealthy? Young Lady—No, he hasn’t a cent. Old Lawyer—Then, I’d advise her to write him a nice letter of thanks. .4 - ~ ■ Tourist Note. “It is thought that the pyramids were buHt for the sake of giving employment to a large number of people.” “Of course,” replied the .vivaciously positive girl. “Anybody could guess that. Look at all the guides who depend on them for a living.” ———TT— —— ■ Something to Be Alarmed At. “What are you afraid of? This is only a rainstorm." “I know, but pa’s got on his Palm Beach suit and I shudder to think what he’ll look like if he gets caught in it" Luck. "He’s the luckiest man in town." “That so?" • "If his hat were to be taken from a restaurant rack by mistake it would be by a man who left a better one behind." Paradoxical Result “Smith's own friends cooked up that plot against him.” “I suppose that touched him on the raw.” A Super-Optimist "What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is.” “Isn't she. Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking what a good time she would have If she were having it” Self-Interest "I believe PU make Dolby a present of a dozen phonograph records.” "Why this surprising generosity?" "I’d rather hear him play the records I pick out than the ones he picks

Mr. Collier Down —You women have such a ridiculous habit of hollering "Oh!” on every occasion. Miss Cutting Hintz—And you men have such a ridiculous habit of saying “I” on every occasion. The Happy Farmer. The farmer wears a knowing siAHe And sees the statesmen day by day Shed tears about his prospects while He keeps on putting coin away. A Promoter. "I’d like to interest you in a business venture that will make us both rich.’* . "But I’m a stranger to you. Why do you wish me to share in this prospective wealth?” "I like your looks. I can see that you are the sort of man I can depend on.” ' . “Well, if you think as much of me as that, go get rich yourself; then come back and give me a job.” In the Realms of Credit. "When I left home as a lad,” said Mr 1 . Dustin Stax, “I had ten dollars in my pocket." "You’ll never forget that day." “No, sir. It's the only time that I have felt that I could settle up on a moment’s notice and be absolutely sure my assets would cash in for more than my liabilities.” "Se here,. Charley, I don’t like that young fellow , who comes here so much.” - , -“What's wrong with him, daddy?” "I’m told he doesn’t pay his debts.” “That’s- a very coarse way of putting it, daddy. Reginald has merely declared a moratorium.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. - ■ Too Much. "I’ll never call on that girl again. Found her giving my chocolates to another chap.” "Well, if he called she had to offer him a ffw.” "But she waa feeding them to him with her own fair hands.” Intricate Mechanism. *T don’F know how to take this chicken apart,” declared the bride. . "Well, we tackled an automobile successfully,” said the young Tiusband. "We ought to be able to handle a small job like this. Where’s the book of instructions?”— A Hint » “Du you thing the future holds anything for me?” asked the shy young man. J "Why don’t you brace up and hold something yourself in the future,” replied the sweet young’ thing. A TIMELY reminder.

Footpad—Could ver spare me fit jest as well as not? ■ Widower —I could, str, and I thank you for asking for it. I was going to get married again next week, but this, timely reminder of my former wedded experience will save me! Again I thank you, sir! 1 Wi On “Time." “Is this train running on time!" “I should say so,” answered the conductor. “It can’t rjin any other way. The company has got to get so many extensions of credit that the whole road is running on time." Sure to Sell. Caller—Your wife has told me you are working on a new invention. Hubby—Yes. Women’s shoes don’t xqgtch the rest of their complicated attire, so I’m working on a shoe that buttons up the back.