Evening Republican, Volume 18, Number 254, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 October 1914 — GOOD JOKES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GOOD JOKES

FORESIGHT. /• Bouncer—Halloa, Jack! Got a clove in your pocket? Muggs—Yes, here you are, old man. Bouncer—Thanks! Now have you a match? > Muggs—l have. Help ypurself. Bouncer —Thanks! Lend me your cigar cutter for a second, will yon? Muggs—Certainly! But where's your cigar? - ' - ■ Bouncer—Why, I was just going to ask you tor one. Muggs—Humph! Well, here you are. The matdh you borrowed is to light the cigar, I suppose, and the cigar cutter is to take the end off? ' , , Bouncer—You’ve guessed it, old chap. > Muggs—But what did you borrow the clove for? Bouncer —Oh, that’s to chew after I take that drink you are going to buy me. —Tid-Bits. « A Reason for It. Motorist (blocked by load of hay)— I say, there,- pull out and let me by. Farmer—Oh, I dunno ez I’m in any hurry. Motorist (angrily)—You .seemed in a hurry to let that other fellow’s carriage get past. Farmer—That’s ’cause his horse wus eatin’ my hay. There hain’t no danger o’ yew eatin* it, I reckon. —Boston Transcript. Imperturbable. "He said I was a wart on the face of nature.” u "What did yob do?" "I told him his caustic remarks would have no effect on me.” A New Composer. "What is the orchestra playing?” asked Mr. Blowster. “Er—Something from Bacchanals,” answered Mrs. Gadsome, after a hasty glance at her program. IN THE MUSEUM.

Manager—What is “The Man With the Ison Jaw” holding his jaw about? Assistant —Tried to eat one of his wife’s biscuits. Fond Imagination. “What a voice that child has.” *sTes,” replied the proud father. “It’s wonderful how he takes after me! Do you know, some parts of his vocalization* sound exactly like my old college yells! ’’ Stepped All Over It. "If you dance with my wife again I’ll sue you for damages.” “My dear sir, I have no desire to alienate her affections.”» “I mean for damages to that expensive costume." . * One on the Professor. Professor (discussing organic and inorganic kingdoms)—Now, if I should shut my eyes—so—and dry my head — so—and remain perfectly still, you say I was a clod. But I move, I leap. Then what do you cell me?” Bright Pupil—A clodhopper, sir. ———.—. - > ' Hardly Necessary. “Have you called on Mrs. Waggles?" asked Mrs. Twobble. “Dear, no,” answered Mrs. Biascomb, “but they do say”—here follows 30 minutes of animated gossip, concluding with, “I really must call to find out something about her." Those Horse Bonnets. “Is my hat on straight?” askedthe near horse of the team. “Sure," replied the off horse, “but, for gracious sake, if you want to'keep It straight, quit wlggjlpg your ears I” Preparing. “What do you intend to do after you leave college?” “Well, I haven't decided on anything definitely for the first year, except to come back for the class reunion.” Appreciated Accomplishment. “Is your boy Josh much help to you on the farm?" „ • - ■ "I should say so,” replied Farmer Corntossel. _L‘I don't know what we’d do without him when the summer boarders want to tango.” A Public Worker. "Mrs. Blustum is a Woman who believes in doing’things.” "Quite so, but unfortunately /or Mr. Blustum and the children, she doesn’t believe In doing things about the

DOING ITB BEST.

The Englishman—The trouble with you Americans is that you*eat too much. The American —Well, the beef is trying to stop that.

Boys, Beware. The boy had passed a fairly good examination, and the old gentleman told him to come to work. “You may report tomorrow,” said he. • "I gotcha,” chirped the boy. “But you haven’t got the job yet,” was the swift comeback, “and you never will.” . Moral: Some slang would irritate any man. —Louisville Courier Journal. The Busy Man. Peals of laughter came from the president’s room as the secretary stepped out. ’ “Mr. “Green 4s too busy to see you at present,” said the secretary, politely. - A “I’m sorry,” said the man who called on business. “Will you go back and tell Mr. Green that I’ve got two stories just as good as the one he’s heard, if he’ll let me in to tell them?” ’ Fisherman’s Luck. “Simple Simon went a-fishing in his mother’s pail.” Thus sang the children. “He wasn’t so simple at that,” commented the returning angler. “Here I am all scratched up and blistered and burned, with nothing whatever to show for my day’s work.”—Courier Journal. ■ « , | Experience. < “We learn by experience,” said the ready-made-philosopher. “That’s true,” remarked Mr. Growcher. "We get a lot of information from experience, but it doesn’t seem to help. What’s the good of knowing what the weather was day before yesterday?" Where He Shone. “Yes, sir; Sam Jones is the lightweight champipn of the South side.” "That so? I didn’t know Jones was a prize fighter.” “He ain’t. He’s.ln the grocery business.”

Why They Want to Marry. She—What in the world makes broken down widowers so anxious to marry again? He —Possibly because they want to get repaired. A Sign of the Times. "I fear this is an era of unrest.” “I quite agree With you. Practically everybody you meet nowadays wants to dance the tango or the maxixe.” AFRAID OF GETTING WET.

Going the Pace. "The gay Bohemian life for ms.” Said Arthur Babson Huey; And then he ate with well feigned «foe A bowl of rank ehop euey. A Different GoiJU;“How about that beautiful gorge you advertised?” . y "Yonder it is,” said the landlord. "Did you ever see a more beautiful ravine?” so "Bah! I thought a gorge meant a great big meal?’—Pittsburgh Post "- Much Put Upon. JI understand he met with many hardships during his childhood.” "Indeed he did! Hie doting mother made him wear curls until he was nearly twelve years old.”

Green—I’m no end-seat hog. Oh the street car I never sit on the end if— Wise—It’s raining.