Evening Republican, Volume 18, Number 210, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 September 1914 — CAP and BELLS [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

CAP and BELLS

BARRED WIFE FROM KITCHEN

Man of Sudden Riches Has Strong Objections to Better-Half Mingling With the Servants. The stout lady struggled with difficulty into the railway carriage. “Ah,” she gasped, "that door might ha’ been made by ‘Old Sam.’" > She paused for breath, and then proceeded to explain herself. “You see, ‘Old Sam’ was one of them chaps ’oo’d getten on. Went from a three-an’-six cottage to a big ’ouse. But ’is missis wasn’t used to a big ’ouse, and spent all ’er time in kitchen wTt’ servants. Old Sam didn’t like this, but ’e never argued wi’ wimmen. Now, she was stout, like me. So he takes her away to Blackpool, and while they was away he’d kitchen door built up narrer, so the servants could get in and out, but not t’missis. That did ’er, that did.” y “ ’E’d what I call tac’,” said a man opposite. And all sat lost in admiration of the tactful "Old Sam.”—Manchester Guardian. 4 Spraying. “Is your wife doing anything for the blight which is hurting her roses?”. “She’s spraying.” "Praying! Does she expect the Lord to fool with insects when she could fix matters herself with some good spray?” “She is spraying.” “Oh!" Information. Bacon—l see a directory of the usexful minerals of the United States, telling where each may be found, has been issued by the Geological Survey. Egbert—A directory which would tell us where to dig good fishing worms would be more useful. A. Great Age. “What are you talking into that graphophone?” “My class speech.” “Class speech!” "I’m valedictorian of our correspondence school. This record will be sent In turn to every member of the class.” Misunderstood. “I thought you said Blowhard talked very rapidly on the platform?” "No, I didn’t.” “Why, you said he talked like lightning; I heard you.” “Yes, that’s what I said, but I meant that he shocked everybody In the audience and stole several other lecturers’ thunder.”

* Little Boy—Say, uncle,, When you were traveling through the West did you scalp any Indians? Uncle Dick —No, but I scalped many a railroad ticket z ' Paw Knows Everything. Willie —Paw, what is a conceited man? Paw—A conceited man is a fellow > who keeps on gabbing about himself when you want to talk about yourself, my sod. • • Higher Things. "I can’t get to my bridge club In a hat that is three weeks out of style.” * “I can’t buy you a new hat this 'month. Better join some culture club my dear.” ■ ■ ’ ■* '• . y Misapplied. "You know the sweet little girt the Singles call Angel?” “Yea.” ' y • 7. "Yesterday she broke six windows and set fire to the .hencoop.”