Evening Republican, Volume 18, Number 5, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 January 1914 — The Basement Philosopher [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Basement Philosopher

By KENNETT HARRIS

(Copjnitht 19H. by W. G. Chipmtn) The Janitor, uncomfortably attired in his Sunday diagonals and stiffly starched collar, and chewing a badly unraveled cigar which he had been unable to light, appeared suddenly to his Scandinavian assistant, who was industriously tinkering the valve of a water faucet at the work bench.

“So I’ve caught you, have I?" said the Janitor, sternly. “Monkeying around as usual, 1 see, the minute I turn my back. I can’t go off and enjoy a friend’s funeral —something that I don’t indulge in once a year—-with-out you taking advantage of'it to neglect your work. Well, it ain’t no more than what I expected. ‘Got all the work done,’ have you? Yes, you have! TThS Sidewalk looks like it. I bet you ain’t washed it off since morning. Washed it off at noon? Well, what if you did? Don’t you suppose it’s been walked on since then? Think everybody’s going to turn off and take the middle of the street just because you slushed a little water on it one time? You’ll be tilling me the grass was cut laßt summer as an excuse for not running the mower this year. What did you suppose me and the estate is paying you wages for? * “ ‘Thought I’d be pleased for once,’ did you?’’ the Janitor repeated, with a glare of Increased severity. “See here, Nels, my friend, when you talk that Way, it sounds like lip, and I don’t like no lip from you. Get me? What did you think I was going to do? Take you out and buy you a drink? Give you a geld wateh with your initials in diamonds on the back and an engraved testimonial inside the case? Call a mass meeting of the tenants and tender you a vote of thanks? Pleased! “Oh, sure I’m pleased,” continued the Janitor, sarcastically. “I'm tic Med most to pieces to come back and find the building still standing right where I left it. I didn’t make no mistake leaving it in your charge. You looked

after It all right, all right. You ain’t let nobody cany it away. Not a brick missing as far as I can see. Say, don’t you think I’m ungrateful, Nels, because I ain’t Fm struggling to hold back tears of joy and keep from tagging you. Of course you might have shoveled that ton or two of coal into the ojther bln like I told you yesterday, K you wanted to. kill a little time. Instead of fooling with things that you ain’t got the brains to understand. But I ain’t offering that as no criticism. Probably somebody told you you was a plumber and you didn’t have sense enough to know that they was joshing you. You ain’t to blame, most likely. “What’s that? ‘Got it all fixed,’ have you? Well, ain’t that nice? I don’t guess you’ve put in more than half a day on it either. A dollar’s worth of work on a ten-cent job, that’s your idea of economy. Fine! Some of these days I wouldn’t be surprised if you get that coal fixed—and the sidewalk. And you ‘thought Fd be pleased for/ once.' Say, ‘pleased’ ain’t no word fcnp It. I feel like %oing out and celebrating. ‘Ain’t put in more’n ten minutes on it, yourself T Your’e a wonder! I guess it ain’t never occurred to you that you could get quite a start on that coal in ten minutes. “Ten minutes don’t seem much to a bone-headed mutt whose time ain’t worth nothing,’’.the Janitor resumed, after a slight pause. “He don’t stop to figure that there ain’t only sixty minutes in an hour and ten hours in a day’s work. Let me tell you something, Nels, my friend: It didn't take George Washington ten minutes to sign the Declaration of Independence, and I’ve seen a fire put out in lees tlmf. That As tor kid can earn more money in Interest oh his capital in ten minutes than you could in a week fixing water faucets. I don’t say he could if you was a regular plumber, of course. That’# different, but the point is that time's money to a man if he knows how to use it “Oh, you ‘ain’t even took time to eat your lunch!’ Fierce! That accounts for the way you’ve lost flesh since I seen you last No wonder your clothes is hanging loose on you and your cheeks is all fell in. Three •o’clock now, dose on, and nothing passed your lips sinoe breakfast and .then I’ll bet you didn’t eat more than Jive or six pounds Of solid food then. Of oourse you oouldn't be expected to isbovel ooal, and you was probably too tweak to lift the hose out to the sidewalk. I ain’t et nothing sinoe breaklast myself, ooma to think of it but thin I never did eat oftener than a

horse turned out to pasture. B*y, you i begin easy with a teaspoonful of sons at a (Erne when you do eat. Go at it gradual. Perhaps yon ain't took time to sleep either. Just as like as not yon got bo feverish and worked np over them few chores I left you to do that yod couldn't no more than close your eyes and breathe hard. Now see here, Nels, this ain’t right. You’ve got to think of your health, ITrst thing you know you’ll have nervous prostration and have to go to a rest core. I’d be In a nice fix then, wouldn’t I? Fd have to work ten minutes longer of an evening If I didn’t hire the mate to you. ‘1 don’t like to have to tell a man that he’s a chuckle-headed loafer,** pursued the Janitor. **l ain’t no kicker. Td sooner pat yon on the back and say a kind word to you than not. I’d take pleasure In going to the agent and recommending you for a raise of wages if it didn’t go again my conscience. If you showed any disposition to do anything except loaf and chew the rag with the lady helps, if you had any git-up to yon at all, if yon was a man or half of a man, If—Here, keep your coat on, Nels! What are you going to do, you chuinp? Don’t you know when a fellow’s josh—” The Janitor dodged as the enraged assistant came at him with blazing eyes and flying fists. After that he did the best he could for his weight and size, but he presently found himself on his back on the coal that the assistant had neglected to shovel, blinking out of two badly swollen eyes. The assistant had already left the basement, but came back at that Instant to thrust his shock head Into the doorway. “It hass nod dake me ten minutes,” he said. “Now Igoto de agent tor my wages. Gud bye!”

“NOW I GO TO DE AGENT FOR MY WAGES. GUD BYE!"