Evening Republican, Volume 17, Number 304, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 December 1913 — Page 2

The Basement Philosopher

By KENNETT HARRIS

(Copyritiu. t9li.br W. G. Chipman)

The Janitor sat at the top of the stone steps that led to the basement, nursing his injured toe, a grimace of pain contorting his usually pleasant countenance. His Scandinavian assistant was at the bottom of the steps In the act of arising from an undignified posture, complicated by a crushed ash can, and his expression was half wrathful; half amazed. “Excuse me," snarled the Janitor, “my foot slipped. And now we’re square, ain’t we? Don’t look at me In that tone of voice or there’ll be more accidents and I’ll have to wait till yon come to to make my apologies. And don’t go,” he added, as the assistant picked up the can. "I’ve a word •or two to say to you.

“First of all, let me ask if you didn’t have the whole dashbinged court to walk on without taking a constitutional on my corns?” the Janitor demanded. "You didn’t mean to? Sure, you didn’t I never suposed you had the nerve t 6 do it a-purpose; but I want to tell you that what you meant didn’t take a pound off your weight and your asking me to excuse you didn’t help none. You may think it did, but you’re wrong. If it had been my feelings you had tromped on, apologizing might have t been a little comfort, though that would depend; but it was my corns. You remember that, you big-hoofed blundering blockhead! Excuse me calling you that, won’t you? - “I see you’ve tore your pants on that ash can. Well, I’m to blame. I didn't mean to have you do that, and you’ll have, to pardpn me. All I really meant was to toeak your neck and teach you to look where you were setting your feet My intentions was all right. Now the next time you com - * tripping along where I’lh standing peaceable and quiet, you try and remember that the world is wide and

"YOU BIG-HOOFED, BLUNDERING BLOCKHEAD!”

that there’s room a-plenty to steer around me as a general thing, and if there ain’t, you can ask me to move to one side and let you a-pasL I’d sooner do that than have you walk on me. “Here’s the thing I want you to keep in mind, Nels, my friend,” continued the Janitor. “You can’t square yourself by apologizing. That ain’t the general impression, I know —not with the ginks that have got the apologizing habit and seem to think that they’ve made it all right when they say they’re sorry. They’ll smash the china vawse that your wife’s cousin that was in the - commissary brought home from the Emperor’s palace as a souvenir at the time of the Boxer trouble —a vawse that you’ve been offered a hundred dollars cold cash for, and they’ll say, ‘Oh, ain’t that too bad! How careless of me to slam it again the radiator! T didn’t mean to break it I just though I’d see if it sounded cracked.’ And then they think your wife’s real mean if she doesn’t tell ’em that it ain’t no consequence. "And they’ll jump into an automobile and throw the clutch into high and head right into the middle of a bunch of kids. *Bumpety-bump,’ goes the machine. ‘What’s that?’ say they. ‘Little girl killed? Dear me, ain’t that too bad! We’re just so sorry as we can be. We hadn't no more intention of killing her than anything. We’re awful sorry.’ And then they think •they’re abused when cop arrests them. *We didn’t run oft,’ says-they. ‘We stopped and we apologized to the heart-broken parents,’ they says. ‘What more could we do?’ “There’s all kinds of them,” the .Janitor continued. “You ain't the only one. There’s them well-meaning, but high-spirited rah, rah boys, with their hazing, that I’d like to have my way with. They don’t mean no harm when they tie a new Johnny up hand ■and foot and gag him and lay him on •the railroad track; they just want to lecare him a little, and if they hadn’t ■forgotten all about the 8:40 express, it would have been all right —unless the kid died of heart failure. They’re just 4ts sorry as you was, and it certainly iseems too bad to give them a set back on their educations by firing ’em jout of college just on account of a !boyisb prank and after they had expressed their regret, don’t it? “It ain’t only the ones that Jabs tho «ends of their umbrellas in your face land upsets their b’lling coffee In youlap with their elbow and short-changes you and sits down on your silk hat and such as that as needs the foolfiller’s attentions. There’s a breed that will knock you till your best friends won’t speak to you and when ■pa gs to ’em about it with blood

in your eye, they think they’re mighty high-minded and virtuous if they take it back and apologize. They tell you tha| they didn’t intend to be took literal in the way everybody had took ’em; or that they was under the wrong impression when they said you’d done a stretch in the pen for sheep stealing, sorry that they’d been misinformed and hoped you’d shake hands and excuse ’em. And they look as if they expected’you to buy ’em a drink, cuss ’em! And there’s the kind —your friends mostly—that’ll bawl you put by the hour and when you’re reaching for a club, they’ll tell you they’re sorry if they’ve said anything to hurt your feelings.

“ ‘You’re a low-lived scoundrel and a cock-eyed gutter pup, begging your pardon if I’m sort of personal, and hoping that you won’t take no offense where there ain’t none meant,' ” quoted the/Janitor, with bitter emphasis. "That’s their style. 'Was that your pye I knocked out? Pray pardon me. Here, let me pick it up and dust it off for you. Quite unintentional, I assure you.’ •

“Well, I guess that’s all now, Nels, my friend,” concluded the Janitor. "You can go straighten out that ash can, and believe me, the next time you plunk your two-hundred-and-twen-ty-five pound of awkwardness on my bunion, your head will be harder to get back into shape than can. Maybe that’ll keep you from the necessity of apologizing.”

WHEREIN WAS THE MYSTERY

Henry’s Bewilderment After Sam’s Explanation Quite Natural Under the Explanation.

Here is one of the favorite stories of Josephus Daniels of North Carolina, the new secretary of the navy: “Two darkies bought a piece of pork, and Sam, having no place to put his share, trusted it to Henry’s keeping. They met the next night, and Henry said: “‘A mos’ strange thing done happen at my hquse, las’ night, Sam. All myst’ry to me.’ “ ‘What was dat, Henry?’ “ ‘Well, Sam,’ explained Henry, solemnly, ’dis mawnin’ I go down in

de cellar for to git a piece of hawg to' breakfas’, an’ I put my han’ down in de brine an’ feels ’roun’, but ain’t no po’k dar; all gone; so I tu’n up de bar’l, an’, Sam, sho’ as preachin’, de rats had done et a hole clar froo de bottom of dat bar’l, en’ dragged de meat all out!’ “Sam was petrified with astonishment for a moment, and then said: “ ‘Why didn’t de brine run outen de hole?’ “ ‘Well, yo’ see, Sam,’ replied Henry, ‘dat’s de myst’ry.’”—New York Evening BOst.

Fought on Edge of Precipice. took place near a precipice of 3,000 feet, on the south slopes of the Bernina range, between an Italian officer and a private. An Italian custom-house patrol, under the command of Lieutenant Rocia, was visiting the Alpine posts m the Valtelin, on the Swiss frontier, when the officer had to reprimand a soldier named Cell. This man determined to have revenge. When the patrol was away on other duty Csll attacked his officer on a lonely'Alpine pass and attempted to throw him over the precipice. A long struggle followed, the men being of about equal strength and unarmed. The officer, to save his life, bit through an artery in the wrist of his subordinate, who collapsed, owing to loss of blood. Soon afterward the pa trol arrived and carried Cell to a hospital in the valley, where he recovered.

The military court, which has now tried the case at Milan, took into consideration the condition of the soldier, and above all, the refusal of his officervictim to prosecute, and sentenced Cell to six months’ imprisonment

Minister and Moving Pictures.

M. Cheron, French minister of labor, was sitting in the darkness of a cinema show watching the pictures of an official reception. On the film appeared M. Cheron himself in the procession. M. Cheron’s neighbor in the house remarked to him upon the extraordinary likeness between him and the gentleman on the film. He added, “The only difference between you monsieur, and the real M. Cheron seems to be that you and I are mere plain bourgeois, whereas, of course, M. Cheron, the minister, is one of our greatest geniuses.” The labor minister could not resist it. He took his card and handed it silently to hE neighbor. The neighbor returned his own card, and on it, M. Cheron managed by the dim light to read the name of M. Rene Besnard, who Was a predecessor of M. Cheron's Ln a previous cabinet.

THE EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER, life).

HOODOO AND JINX FOLLOWS FIRST BASEMEN

Guardians of the Initial Sack Who Have Been Buffeted About.

First base is beginning to look like a Hoodoo (spelt with a capital H.) The initial sack is fine and dandy when it comes to playing there on and dragging down the salary. But — Managing and holding down that cushion don’t seem to hitch, writes Malcolm McLean Th the Chicago Evening Post. Or, rather, these who try the stunt are apt to come to a bitter end.

Glance hurriedly o.ver the following list, and then see if we aren’t on the right trail: Frank Chance —Summarily ousted from the management of the Cubs last fall by President Murphy. George Stovall—Politely' deposed from the leadership of the Browns by Colonel Hedges, president. Jake Stahl —Winner of 'a world title his first year with the Boston Red Sox and handed the hook by Prexy McAleer during the midst of the sear son just past, Harry Davis —Elevated to the managerial reins of Cleveland, unable to hold them for any length of time, and now back with the Athletics. Hal Chase—Boss of the New York Yankees for a spell, and mighty glad to get from under. You can scarcely call any’of these men failures as ball players. The reverse is true. In fact, we doubt if you can name five higher class first sackers in the history of the national game. Consider them as actual tyorkers (aside from their careers as managers) : Chance —One of the best men who ever guarded the station; a wonder on low and wide throws; a .300 hitter and a wonderfully fast and heady base runner. Stovall —Possessed of all the attributes given to Chance, except he wasn’t quite as fast.

M. M’LOUGHLIN IS DEFEATED

Champion and Veteran Partner Lose Game in Tennis Tournament on the Pacific Coast

United States champion Maurice E. McLoughlin, playing with the veteran Sumner Hardy as his partner was defeated at San Francisco the other day in the feature match of the Portola tennis tournament by Clarence J.

Maurice E. McLoughlin.

Griffin and John R. Strachan, runners up in this year’s national doubles championship at Newport. McLoughlin played in excellent form, but he refrained from poaching on the preserves of his partner, upon whom Griflln and Strachan centered their entire attack. The score was 6— 4, 10—8. '

Stahl —His fielding and batting was largely responsible for the Red Sox triumphs last year! a clean-up swatter. Davis —ConniS, Slack’s chief lieutenant during his many years on first 'for the Athletics. A cracking fielder and there with the bat when in his prime. He was reasonably fast in addition.

Chase —A first sacker who needs little comment. Today he leads the field in effective work —fast, heady and consistent in all branches. This puts the question squarely up to us, Why the hoodoo? First base seems to be the best of all places to watch the play and direct the game. The custodian of that station can tell —next to the catcher —just how the pitcher is working. He can direct the whole play by signals, having all in sight except the right fielder. It’s a hard problem to answer. Mayhap it’s a matter o? luck — something firmly believed in by ball players. Perhaps it’s something else. You can scarcely call Chance and Stahl failures as managers. Both won league and «world titles —Chance (a number of them. Many lay the hoodoo on temperament.

That may have something to -do with it in a couple of the cases. Bat it won’t hold water with the rest We think accident cut some ice. Chance was beaned a number of times and Stahl hurt his foot. Neither of their presidents wanted bench managers. So they passed. First base is a dangerous spot to play. One is always open to injuries there.

But the final analysis is something wouldn’t dare to attempt It brings us to those unanswerable words —hoodoo and jinx.

NOTE'S of SPORIDOM

Harry Smith has again signed to manage the Newark champions.

Charlie Carr has been mentioned of late as a possible head for the Federal league.

The Boston Nationals will report fqi spring practice at Macon, Ga., abQtr the.first of March. / • • •

The English polo team will practice three months in Spain before its next invasion of America for the international trophy. •• * •

The coast authorities have found it difficult indeed to get crack athletes for the all-star A. A. U. team to invade the Antipodes.

• Philadelphia, Cleveland, Chicago, Washington and Boston are being picked as serious contenders for the pennant for next season.

Charlie O’Leary, the veteran shortstop and member of the Cardinals, has been sold to the San Francisco team by Manager Miller Huggins.

Austria is about to follow Germany in -the employment of an American trainer for its Olympic athletes and has gotten into communication with Sullivan on the subject

Patrick Flynn of Ireland is a very clever distance runner. The slip of a lad from the “old country,” who made his American debut at Travers island recently, impressed the cinder path critics not a little.

Cornell university believes it has in Vere Wendnagle a worthy successor to John Paul Jones. He is a freshman. While In the preparatory school he ran a mile in four minutes and LWenty-two seconds.

TO POSTPONE OLYMPIC DATE

American Team Would Be Harftflcapped by Early Opening on July 1—1916 Gamtea Will Be Close.

James E. Sullivan, American Olympic commissioner, has announced that he would request the German Olympic committee, on behalf of the United States team, to postpone the opening of the Olympic games at Berlin in 1916 at least one week. According to word received from Berlin, the open--ing events in the track and field program are set for July, 1. This*, would prove a handicap to the American team, according to Mr. Sullivan, since it would require the United States representatives to sail before the closing of the American colleges and universities, from which many members of the 1916 team are expected to be recruited. In discussing the conditions Mr. Sullivan said:

“It was the original Intention of the German Olympic committee to open the track meet about the middle of June. When I was abroad last summer I explained the situation from an American standpoint and requested a later date. The German committee evidently made a concession to us, but, then, to open the games on July 1 will work a hardship to our team in 1916. The Stockholm games began on July 6, and a similar date at Berlin would be far more acceptable. Close to 50 per cent, of the team will be graduated in the* spring of that year. In many cases it would be impossible for them to leave college before June 15 or later.

( “The games of 1916 will be closer and harder to win than ever before, and no team of the size of the American aggregation will have to travel the distance that ours will be obliged to undertake, 'that extra week means more to the American competitors than to any other country interested in the Olympic games, and I feel sure that when the conditions are understood fully by the German committee the concession will be granted. "According to the presenF plans of the American Olympic committee the team, which will consist of about 150 athletes, will be quartered in some Suburban hotel, near Berlin, during the games. Incidentally it may be stated that the team will not be taken to Europe in a specially chartered steamer, as was the case in 1912.”

SOCCERS GET LARGE CROWDS

Attendance at International Game Between Teams From England and Scotland Was 127,307.

Although soccer football attracts many more thousands than baseball the gates are not as large as the returns for the world’s series or big football matches, because the price of admission is not as much in England and Scotland as here. The record attendance for a soccer game was the international between England and Scotland at Hampden park, Glasgow, on Match 23, 1912. The attendance was 127,507, and the gate receipts, including the money from the stands and enclosures, amounted to 6,997 pounds 15 shillings (English money) or less than $35,000. The record attendance in England was 120,028 when Aston Villa and Sunderland played the cup final at the Crystal palace, London, the present year. The record game at a football game in the United Kingdom was at this match between Ashton Villa and Sunderland, when the receipts amounted to 9,406 pounds 9 shillings, or less than $47,000. The attendance at the first of this year’s world’s series games between the Giants and Athletics at the Polo grounds, New York, was 36,291, and the gate receipts $75,255. /

FRENCH TITLE IS RETAINED

Middleweight Champion Pugilist Defeats Aspiring Jim Lancaster In Short Bout at Geneva.

Georges Carpentier, French middleweight champion, retained this honor when he.kndEkedout the aspiring

Georges Carpentier.

Jim Lancaster in the third round. This bout took place at Geneva and was scheduled for 20 rounds.

Better Than Tris Speaker.

Mike Finn, who picked up Tris Speaker, says that Dave Robertson, the youngster secured by McGraw, is a better ball player than Speaker. If Dave is, he is some star performer.

Byrne Plays Soccer.

Bobby Byrne, the Phillies’ third sacker, Is playing soccer with one of the leading soccer football teams in his home city, St Louis.

The QNLOOKER

HEMET HOWLAND

Willies ftwiqe

Little Willie went to school and* met a bully there <l4 1 Who boxed his ears and pulled his nose and dragged him by the hair; It was a burning shame the way poor Willie was abused; His nose and ears were very sore, his cheeks were badly bruised.

Poor Willie was but twelve years old, the bully was fifteen. And everywhere that Willie went the bigget boy was seety;. There seemed to be no way to dodge the bully’s shameful blows. The only joy he seemed to have was pulling WilHe’s nose. v

The bully’s parents moved away and took their son along. His face was not a pretty thing, though he was big and strong; When Willie learned that he was free from bullying his joy Was such as seldom has been in the breast of any boy.

Next day when Willie went to school he calmly looked around Until a younger, smaller and a frailer boy was found; Then Willie doubled up his fists, and, looking very grim, Bore down upon the little chap and daily bullied him.

Just a Theory.

“Why does Bonsell dress in such a shabby way lately? He certainly hasn’t been meetiieg with any financial reverses, if one may judge from the way his wife and daughters continue to make money fly.’’ “I don’t know what his purpose is. Maybe he’s trying to make people who don’t know him believe he’s some educated chap who is trying to get along by doing brain work.”

A Weakling.

“I am sorry to say,’’ remarked the young wife, “that my husband seems to lack initiative and decision.” “What has caused you to think so?” her friend asked. “I have to suggest it every time when he asks for a raise of salary, and then he hesitates for a long-time about doing it.”

Swords.

_ “Do you think tlyjj time will ever come when the swords will be converted into plowshares?” “No.” . “Then you do not expect universal peace?” “Oh, that may come; but swords are so easily utilized for decorative purposes.”

No Place for It.

“Yes, sir, I’ll be sixty years old on the 17th day of next month and I can put my palms on the floor without bending my knees.” You don’t look as if you could do that. Let’s see you try it” “Oh, I don’t want to, get down on my stomach here.” \

Not Conclusive.

It is being pointed out that William Pitt once said, “I am sure I can save the country, and I am st/re that no one else can.” We have no proof, however, that the country would not have been saved if William had failed to save it.

There’s Always the Stage, You Know.

All the world's a stage, And every lady fair and proud Thinks if misfortune came her way She could at once go forth to play And be applauded by the crowd.

A Record Worth Noticing.

“There is a man iip this town, who ate forty bananas in forty minutes.” “That’s nothing when you’re talking about records. My wife's had thirtyone servant girls in thirty days.”

A Vindication. “Why do you think his principles are correct?” “They must be. The barbecue w« bad for him was the biggest that was ever held In this country.”

Experience.

“Hare you had any experience with an automobile ?” “No. but I was once a passenger on a train that tried to pass another on the same track.” . v..