Evening Republican, Volume 17, Number 295, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 December 1913 — WHERE HAS HE GONE? [ARTICLE]

WHERE HAS HE GONE?

What Has Become of the Early Photographer? Artist's Gruesome Poses —Didn’t Care About Draperies, But Insisted on Throwing Up the Physical Defects of the Setter. New Orleans. —Whatever become o’ th’ ole time tall, cuffless photographer that wore a flowin’ tie an’ smelled like collodion an’ called his abattoir a “art studio?" I wonder where he went and when he died, fer ther must, have been sdme special arrangements made ahead fer him. Who kin fergit how he used t* pose us in front o’ a screen showin’ a castle with a rustic bridge leadin’ up t’ it an’ a couple o’ swans? writes Kin Hubbard in the New Orleans Tlmes-Democrat. “Now, then, set perfectly still a little an* look about here. Raise your chin a little more. Higher, higher. That’s fine. Now, turn th’head a little slantin’ like. That’s It, that’s it Now, that’s fine. Ah, that’ll do.” Then he’d turn out a photograph lookin’ like you had a stiff neck augmented by a little dash o* spinal trouble —like you had just murdered a whole family with an ax an’ wuz facin’ th* judge without a pang o’ remorse. .Th’ early photographer had a sort o’ a pritch that had been handed down from th’ celebrated Spanish Inquisition days which he used as a prop fer your head. When applied t* th’ back o* th’ neck It produced an expression like you wuz puttin’ on* a collar. “Oh, I see, you. wish t* be taken t’gether. That’ll be fine. Now, then, just you please take this seat That’s it Put th’ feet closely t’gether. Now th* hands on th’ knees. That’s fine. Now throw th* chin up. Up a little more. That’s fine. Now, you stand by th’ left Perfectly erect with feet t’gether carelessly. Let th* left hand hang limp. That’s fine. Now, place th* right hand on his shoulder showln' th* right finger—Oh. 1 see. Th* ring Is on the left hand. We’ll have t* change sides.

"That’s fine. Now throw th’ chin well batck —a little tiny bit more. That’s fine. Now, all feet close t’gether an’ steady. That’ll do." Then Friday you get th' proofs -an’ you and your wife looked like Lewis an’ Clark takin’ their first view, o’ Mount Tacoma alter a ten days* march on empty ‘stomachs. Th’ ole time photographer alius posed you in such a Way as t’ feature your Adam’i apple. He ’ didn’t care about th’ arrangement o’ drapery er whether your coat wuz buttoned straight, but he wuz there t* see that your Adam’s apple got everything that wuz cornin’ t’ it. If you had a hairlip er a wend In th’ neck he alius made 'em th* principal points o’ interest in your photo. If you had a bulgin’ -forehead he’d powder th’ high lights an’ pull In your chin. If you had a-retreat-in’ chin he’d pry It out an' make an interior o’ your nostrils. If you looked like a turnip he’d insist on a front view, an* if you looked like a hatchet he’d prescribe a. side view. If you wanted t* stand up an’ show your feet an’ watch chain he’d bring forth a Utile column-shaped pedestal t’ stand by an’ you looked like you wuz waitin’ fer somebuddy t’ shoot a apple off your head. Kver’buddy you see in th* old family album looks like they had either lost their only friend er wus settin* In an electric chair. Always sad er terrorized. If you looked pleasant er natural you had t’ sit again. Tdgy if you want t’ look like Ger trade Elliott er Jack Barrymore th* “artist" *ll fix it fer you. If you look like a sewin’ • machine agent an* feel like you would like t’ look like a great author t’day's photographer *ll show you how t’ git th* desired expression by restin’ th* left cheek in your hand an* lookin’ anxiously int’ th’ future. If you want t* look like a great society leader an* have a goitre th’ modern photographer ’ll remove It without pain, an* if you want t* look like a smilin’ cow he’ll look after your bridge work without extra cost