Evening Republican, Volume 17, Number 285, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 November 1913 — The Basement Philosopher [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Basement Philosopher

By KENNETT HARRIS

(Copyright, 19X3, bjr W. G. Chapman) "No, Nels, my friend,” said the Janitor to his sorrowful Scandinavian assistant. “No, Nels, I would not make a complaint to the police.” He shook his head slowly and solemnly. “No, I would not,” he repeated. “Not that I grudge Hie police any harmless amusement; they’ve^a-hard life of it, them boys, what with investigating committees, grand Juries and the like. There ain't none too many rays of Bunshine on their pathp. But I’m considering it from your standpoint and an a matter of principle. First of all, what good is it agoing to do you? “Now, as I understand it, the guy that sold you the'ring was a medium sized guy with a sandy mustache. If you look close and careful at me, you’ll see that I’m medium sized and while I wouldn’t want no one to call my mustache ‘sandy’ to my face, I ain’t got no doubt but what ‘sandy’ is the ~word a stranger would use describing of it. And I ain’t the only one. There’s medium sized, sandy mustached guys on the police force, even. If they was to throw out the drag and bring in all the sandy runts In Chicago, business would be at a standstill and the cars would stop running. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Sure you wouldn’t “In the next place, Nels,” continued the Janitor, "this here guy didn’t give you no written guarantee that it was a genu-ine six-carat diamond that he sold you for two-seventy-flve. He may have give you the impression that it was, when he picked it up off the sidewalk, but impressions don’t cut no

Ice. He might have thought it was genu-lne himself and been mistaken, the same as you was. Anybody’s liable to make a mistake. What you <6ught to have done was to have took it to a good Jeweler -and had it certified before you paid out any money on it. You was careless, that’s, all there is about it. "The other reason why JLwouldnit advise you to sefr-the~machinery of the law in motion about this here business, is the principle I was telling you about. You take this for your motto: ‘Never make a holler’ —not under no circumstances. If you get stung, hide the swelling the best you can and keep your mouth shut until you get off Borne place by yourself where nobody ain’t agoing to hear you. Then if you want to relieve yourself by a few rdmarks, go ahead and make ’em and get it off your chest. Anybody’s liable to be a sucker some time; nobody can’t be wise to all the plants there is; but, believe me, the biggest boob in the bunch is the yahoo with the yawp, who wants everybody to know how shameful he’s been Imposed on. "You take it from me, Nels, my friend: the fellow that’s looking for sympathy all the time never gets it. What he gets is the fishy eye or the merry ha-ha, but sympathy—nix. Not if he puts up a holler. If any son-of-a-gun gets the best of me in a deal, I make up my mind I’m just as mur'i to blame for it as he is. All I’ve got is what’s acoming to me. If I can throw a rope on his goat any time without advertising myself as an easy mark, I’ll do it; if I can’t, I’ll charge it up to experience. "You see, I’m a man that likes to have opinion of my friendß,” declared the Janitor, ‘Tve got the reputation of being a pretty flossy proposition, lit least that’s what my frtends tell me, and I’ll stand for a pretty hard poke of the gaff before I’ll . contradict ’em. If there’s any rumors to the contrary floating around, they don’t come from me. If I pick a winnet- any time, I ain’t going to make no dark secret of it, but if I drop a peek’s wages on a bum tip, I wouldn’t even tell my wife. This here world 1b full of brace games, Nels, my friend; and we all go against ’em more or less, the wise boys and the sap-heads both; but there ain’t no evidence againßt the wise ones. They don’t write no indignant letters to the papers. You’ll see ’em come out of the side Bhow with a happy, satisfied smile on their faces, and they don't go back to tell the ticket seller that he’s short-changed ’em. "Most of the trouble we have in the way of getting skinned is when we try to get something for nothing without understanding the game. I’ve watched things pretty close for a man that’s got his work to look after, but I never peen a guy makfe his living by giving valuable property Most gener-

any- If a fellow's got something good to sell he wants somewhere near what it’s worth. If I found a six carat diamond ring I wouldn’t sell it to no squarehead for two-seventy-flve when I could hock It most anywhere for ten dollars. Same way if I owned a gold mine that the finest exerts claimed would produce a million a day—l wouldn’t peddle the stock at five cents a share to get money to develop it and keep it out of the hands of the combine. I’d develop it with my finger-nails first. I don’t want my bargains too big. I’m leary of ’em when they get over a certain size. I may lose money that way, but I’ll bet saved lots of it too. Still, if I did happen to buy a gold brick that some sandy mustached guy had swiped from the sub-treasury, and found out afterwards that it wasn’t what it had' been cracked up to be, I wouldn’t .make no complaint to the government. “No, don’t you never holler. Some of these days you may buy an orange grove in Florida and be sort of disappointed with it, but you’ll stand a better chance of trading it off for west side unimproved if you haven’t been too noisy about it to your circle of acquaintances. Ever know a successful politician to squeal when he was thrown down? Not on your life. He lets bygones be bygones and keeps his little snickersnee sharped up for future use. You may not go into politics, but it’s a cinch you’ll get married, and there’s another game where you’re liable to get the worst of it. I guess ‘most every married man thinks he has at times, and the women are< dead sure of It. But why bellyache? Here I’ve been married now close on to twenty years and — "No, Nels, my friend, It doesn’t do no good to holler. Every holler is a knock—and it isn’t the other fellow you’re knocking, though you may think it is. “And if you’d had a five dollar bill in your kick instead of the small change you’d have been two and a

quarter worse off than what you are. Think of that and be happy.”

“TAKE IT FROM ME, NELS, THE FELLOW THAT’S ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY, NEVER GETS IT.”