Evening Republican, Volume 17, Number 270, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 November 1913 — Page 3

The Basement Philosopher

By KENNETT HARRIS

(Copyright, 1911. by W. G. Cbipmw) “Nels, my friend," said the janitor to his Scandinavian assistant, "I take notice that you're these days. That there cap of yours is got too small for your head and I don’t believe the cap’s shrunk any at that. What was you abusing that gentleman for just now?—What gentleman? The gentleman with the laundry, the yellow complected gentleman with the ,jslant eyes and the baggy pants that you was a-speaking to so unkindly. “Chinyman, was he?” said the janitor, with a broad smile of perfect comprehension. “Well, of course that’s different lf ( he was a Chink, I don’t know as I can blame you. It’s perfectly natural tliat you’d want to kick him off the premises and make motions to that effect I s’pose he give you the excuse that he had business here —what? Thirty-eight and twentyseven gives him their shirts an’ flat pieces, don’t they? I thought they did. Anyway you done well to let him know that he was the scum of the earth and the offscourings of humanity. He mightn’t realise it if he was treated civil and decent. “When you come to think of it, it’s a blessing that there is scum and offscourings for us to look down on and kick around and bawl out once in a while,” mused the janitor. “We’d certainly be In a bad way if there wasn’t. I guess we’d lose all our self respect. I know you’ve done me heaps of good that way, Nels, my friend. It’B been a great comfort to me after the agent

"ANOTHER THING THAT GIVES ME A PAIN 18 TO SEE A GUY A-SIGARETTE.”

has been raising Ned around here for to Jack you up and tell you what I thought of a race of people that put fishballs in their soup. I don’t know but what I’m going a little too far in calling you a race. You’re more like a funeral procession, judging by the most of you that’s worked for me. But that’s neither here nor there. We can’t all be Irish, nor yet American, and it’s a good thing as I’m a telling you. Somebody’s got to be the goat. "What makes me sore, and what makes any right-thinking man scfe,” the janitor went on, “is to see some guy doing something that I don’t never do nor never thought of doing, and couldn’t do if I wanted to do it. You understand that don’t apply to baseball or variety show stunts, but them’s about the only exceptions I can think of Just now. You take this here golf. I get the willies now every time I take the old woman to the park. Honest, it takes away my appetite for the lunch to see them lunatics. Seems to me a grown person might find something better to do than to put in time swatting a dinky little ball around a twenty-acre lot I feel like smearing their fingers with molasses and giving them a couple of feathers to play with. That would be a sensible form of amusement alongside of golf, it looks like to me. Some of ’em wear knee panties, too. Geei'What they ought to wear 1b Russian blouse suits with sailor collars and pretty little socks on their pretty little legs. Fierce, ain’t it? - "Another thing that gives me a pain is to see a guy a-smoking a cigarette. That’s something there ain’t no excuse for that I can see. Anybody can get a clay pipe, and a couple of month’s steady smoking’ll make it as sweet and juicy as need be. A pipe is a man’s smoke, though I ain’t got no objection to a cigar once in a while — about election time. Same way I’ll take a tub of suds when I’m dry and I’ve got the price, but if you’re bound it’s your treat and I happen to feel like It you can give me a little rye. But mine'B beer as a general thing. That's one thing I’ll give the Dutch credit for: they may have a poor language and disgusting ideas on the subject of cooking, but they’re all right when it comes to a steady and sensible drink. Most drink is good in moderation, though, as long as it’s not mixed. The only thing I draw the line at ia Scotch. What I say is, patronize home industries. I’ve no use for Scotch or a man who will drink it. “Yes, sir,’’ said the janitor, emphatically, “I’m against golf and bridge whist and cigarettes and Scotch. Likewise I’m opposed to spaghetti and cabbage soup and Bismarck herring and chop suey and four o'clock tea. I’m an American citizen. At the same time I don’t claim that Dagos and Kikes and Chinks and Hunkles and Scandeboovlans ain't got no right to lire, add. 1 don’t feel called on to kick 'em around when I get one of ’em oO by himself, any more than I’d feel called on to

heave a Chunk of coal at a tenant because lie had had his finger nails manicured. I don’t have my finger nails manicured, but I can control my feelings. ‘Tm willing to admit, Nels, my friend, that there Chipk ain’t got white eyebrows and a complexion that looks like it was fresh b’iled. He’s got a good deal the same cheek bones that you’ve got, but then, he braids his hair and works fourteen hours a day and eats rice oftener than Vhat you do. I know that’s aggravating and there ought to be a law against it, but there ain’t no law and there’s nothing in the rules of this here building against it, so I guess you’ll have to stand for it You get me? “Because if you don’t, Nels, my friend,” said the janitor, with sudden ferocity, “I’ll beat it into your bone head with a grate crank. Why, you tow-topped, lop-eared, knock-kneed son of a smoked halibut, the first thing you know you’ll get that Chink scared and I’ll have to be paying out. money to have my little bit of a week’s laundry done .for me. “And,you not even naturalized!” copcludqd the janitor, with bitter scorn.

LEAVING THE COURSE CLEAR

Little Story That Proves the Value of a Thorough Understanding Between Lovers. "I think,” she said; “we ought, before it is forever too late, to try to thoroughly understand each other. We ought to confess any shortcomings we have, so that if either of us finds that marriage might he irksome or unsatisfactory we may end our engagement and escape what might otherwise be lifelong misery.” “I’m -glad you suggested that,” he answered. “I have often thought of it,

but my position has been somewhat delicate: I could not very well be the one to propose it” "Oh,” she angrily exclaimed, “then you have been anxious to have it all ended?” 1 * “Why do you say that, dear? I haven’t hinted that I wished to have it all ended,” “If you didn’t you wouldn’t have thought of wanting an understanding now. You would have been glad to get me and find out about my shortcomings afterward.” “Am I to assume, then, that you have been anxious to break our engagement —seeing that you have asked me to tell you about my faults at this time?” "Of course not. Why should you assume such a thing?” "For the same reason that you assumed it.” “That’s just like a man, I’ve never rfeen one yet who could be reason* able.” “Very well, little girl. Let’s change the subject.” "But I don’t want to change the subject. I want you to know all that is worst about me, so that if you don’t want me you needn’t take me.” “All right. Tell me what is worst about you.” “I —I don’t think there is anything worst about me. Now tell mo what your faults are.” “Well, I think I, tyo, am perfect.” “Harold! Do you really mean that?” “Certainly.” “I’m so glad we have had this understanding and that now there is no danger of our making any mistake.”

Prodigal Parent.

Col. Roosevelt, one evening in Mar quette, told a group of newspaper cor respondents a number of stories. “If more of us were materially, bul not mentally, like the Arkansas backwoodsmen, it would be well for the nation,” said the colonel. “Once, while traversing Arkansas, 1 dismounted at a log cabin and asked if I could have dinner. Yes, they said, I could, and while I waited on the bench before the door I noticed a baby playing with a loaded revolver. /"Goodness me!’ I said, ‘you shouldn't let that young infant play with a loaded revolver. What a terrible risk!’ “ ‘Risk?’ said the backwoodsman. ‘Aw, I dunno. I got 'bout fo’teen mo* Chilian round the place somewhere.’ “

Sensational.

“He has written a new play.” “Original?" “Yes. The heroine is a married woman.” “Oh, I know. And falls in love with another man.” “No. There’s the original part of it The play shows marriage to be a sacred relation that some people take seriously apd get a good deal of happiness out of*

THE EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER, IND.

TWO CLEVER PRINCETON FOOTBALL STARS

E. Trenkman and Pendleton of Princeton.

USE FOOTBALL IN BASEBALL

New Winter Game Invented by Pennsylvania Professor Has Unique Features—Accidents Few. Baseball may soon be an all-year-round sport, for you can now play it with a football. The new friend of the, magnate ana the professional players’ nemesis is Professor Benscoter of the Wilkesbarre high school. As inventor of the new game, he explains it as follows: “A baseball can uot be easily held by players in cold weather, hence the need of a game with the larger, clumsier football, It is played on a baseball diamond, with the same number of players on a the most notable difference being that there is no pitcher; this player occupies the position of another shortstop—‘right shortstop’ —between first and second. = “The ball is put into play by being kicked from home plate-and the runner hikes for first, as in baseball, and is put out by the passing of the ball to first ahead of him, as in baseball, or being touched by it in the hands of a player. “The runner may not advance from a base when the ball has been passed tb the baseman who touches the base while the runner is there; this debars the runner from advancing from the base until it has been again kicked out; it likewise debars any runner back of him. The kick may be of any sort—place, punt or drop kick. The runner may be declared out if he advances from the base before the ball is kicked out. If the ball is kicked foul or the kicker is out; he is also out if he fails in an attempt to kick. /‘The game is very lively, being full of constant kicking, running, catching and passing. It develops strength, speed, accuracy, skill and with less liability to accidents even than in baseball on account of the freedom from the chance of being injured by a pitched or batted ball.”

Judge Jones Trots One Mile in 2:12 3-4

At a cup” record meeting Under auspices of the Kentucky Trotting Horse Breeders’ association at the Lexington track former United States Senator Joseph W. Bailey’s Judge Jones, driven by Harold Childs, trotted a mile in 2:12%, a new world’s record for two-year-old geldings. The previous record was Endows, 2:14%, in 1899.

Quigley Is Disgruntled.

Umpire Quigley, who was given a trial in the National league this season by President Lynch, has returned to his work at St. Mary’s college, Kansas, where he is athletic director. Quigley is much disgusted with his experience in the big league, for he feels that he has been disgraced by associating as much as he dfi with some of the ball players who use the vilest kind of language in their attacks on umpires.

Travers Best Golfer.

Jerome D. Travers le amateur golf champion of the United States for the fourth time. He defeated John Anderson at Boston, 5 up and 4 to play in* the 36-hole final round at Garden City and again became the best golfer that America can boast

Lejeune Is Hard Hitter.

Lejeune of Grand Rapids, formerly a member of the White Sox, was the leading batter In the Central league this season. He averaged .346, just begting out Tutweiler of Fort Wayne, who had a mark of .346.

Breaks Mis Shoulder.

Barrett, candidate for the backfleld on the Western Reserve university eleven, broke his right shoulder in practice the other day. He will be unable tb play this season.

Yale Loses Captain Because of “Conditions

Charles N. Snowdon of Pittsburgh, Pa., has resigned as captain of the Yale ’varsity crew. Thomas B. Denegre of New Orleans has been chosen to succeed him. This announcement was made at a meeting of the Blue oarsmen. Snowdon’s resignation was due to his being ineligible to row in the Harvard regatta next June. As captain and No. 2 of the crew last year Snowdon devoted his afternoons to the oarsmen and did not put in sufficient time at his studies to graduate. He will complete his course about mid-year, and this will render him ineligible for the race in June with the Crimson crew. Denegree is a junior. He rowed bow last year.

RUSSELL TOLLEFSON

Fast Little Quarter-Back of the Minnesota Football Team.

Wins Checker Championship.

- M. E. Pomeroy of Binghamton, N. Y., won the world’s championship at checkers from Alfred E. Jordan of ■England, who had held undisputed possession of the title. The competitors were tied up to the fiftieth game at one victory each, forty-eight games having in draws. Pomeroy learned to play the game in a backwoods grocery store at Sidney Center, N. Y., his home, many years ago.

Jubilee Run.

John D. Nolan, fifty years old, ran one-fifth of a mile in 66 seconds at Norwich., (Jfnn. Nolan works 16 hours a day on nls farm and trains a| night. He has been athletic trainer for clubs since 1887. V”*:

Strong Simper.

Harvard looks strong on paper with a big majority of Its champions of 1912 returning and the Crimson la the ratdd favorite tu the east

TEAMS ARE TOO SLOW

Football Follower Says Modem Play Lacking in Speed. Contention Is Upheld, In Bmall Way. by Recent Showing of Maroon and Hoosier—Hyde Park the First Real Fast Team. Ever and anon some old time follower cf football rises to complain of the slowness of modern teams as compared with those of a decade ago. A man who played the game in the latter ’9os and the early part of this century was among those at the IndianaChicago contest, and after the contest the chief subject of his conversation was regarding the 1 lack of speed displayed in .the teams’ lineup. “If teams were as slow as that when I played the game,” he declared, “they would have been drilled for speed to . the exclusion of everything else. Coaches in the old days would not perjnit loafing in lining up, amd onbe lined up the plays went off with a snap that I have not seen in the last five years.” His criticism was partly justified, for both Chicago and Indiana were lamentably slow getting the ball into action. This was partially explained by the failure of the Maroons to know their signals. With only two weeks of preparation, Stagg was compelled to give his men more than they could digest in the way of formations, for Indiana was so strong it was not wise to take chances with the Hoosiers. In consequence, only three or four of the plays were fixed firmly in the minds of the players and there was noticeable confusion in getting the plays under way at various stages of the game. Indiana contributed her share tow- . ard slowing up the game by lack of condition. Criticism of lack of speed, however,. is not always so just. If anything, the speed ’of teams now is better than it was In the days of “old” football. There were few teams of ten or fifteen years ago with more than ordinary speed despite every favoring factory. The first “fast” team was the famous Hyde Park High School eleven of 1902, and although the college teams on which members of thjp squad played later were fairly fast, none of them were much better than the teams of the present. With weight at a premium, it is scarcely to be expected the old teams could class in Bpeed with the ones today, where speed is the chief requisite for individual candidates. The growth of “formation” football has much to do with the seeming slow.ness. It is the exceptional team which goes on the field nowadays with less than thirty formations td remember, while it was the exceptional eleven in the old days which had more than ten or twelve to remember. The old style attack consisted of straight bucks, cross bucks and end runs, with their variations. The lineup was nearly always the same, only a few formations, like the tandem, the whoaback and a few more, having been Invented.

Series plays were the rule rather than the exception. One set of signals usually served for three or four successive plays in the old days, and often a team would traveres half the length of the field without the quar-ter-back calling numbers more than three or four times. Now the series signals have been abandoned owing to the exigencies of the game. Each play is a separate problem, and its solution depends entirely upon the position of the ball, the amount to be gained and other circumstances which could not possibly be prepared for in advance.

INDIANA CAPTAIN HURT

Captain Davis of Indiana.

• r Edward Davis, captain of Indiana tfniversity football team, may not be able to play again this year. This was the belief expressed the other day on account of an injury received in the recent Chicago game.

The QNLOOKER

by HENRY HOWLAND

Maud Muller, on a summer’s day. Was In the meadow raking hay. *' x : ■ She always had enjoyed good health. But had a hankering for wealth. Her cheeks were red, her eyes were brown. She longed to live In the far-off town. She wished she might be richly dressed. And circulate among the best. The Judge came sailing up the lane Upon his nice new aeroplane. , Below him he beheld the maid. And tried to stop, and swooped and swayed. He ripped a top rail from the fence. And talked as If he had no sense. The engine got beyond control. The judge lost his immortal soul. Maud stood there with a sickly grin. Until he hit her with a fin. ‘My lord!’ she yelled, and ducked away? The judge lit on a pile of hay. She hurried where the spring gushed un And filled her little old tin cup. At first she thought the Judge was dead, Bqt she splashed the water on his head. He looked upon his aeroplane And said some things that gave Man* pain. At last he rose and, with a frown. He started for the distant town. Then bringing himself to a halt. He said: ‘‘This, girl, is all your fault. “If you had not been raking here. I’d have stayed in the atmosphere. t “You’ve cost me dear and spoiled mj - sport; Til fine you for contempt of court!" He then went onward up the lane. And Maud returned to work again. She gazed upon his wrecked machine. And said: "Alas, what might have beent “Ah. well, in heaven we’ll all have wings. And not depend on such fool things!”

She Has Changed Her Opinion.

"I hear yor maiden aunt is visiting you.” * _ " • - “Yds. Came yesterday.” “How long does she expect to stay V* “Oh, I don’t know—probably tat some time.” “I feel sorry for your wife. I believe I heard her say not long ago that she despised the old lady.” “She used to, but she has changed her opinion—ln fact, has a great respect for her now. Aunt Hettjr brought three trunks, two of thefa filled with things she smuggled in from Europe.”'

Think Is Over.

Does it help to say the world is going wrong? Does bitterly complaining make you strong? Does it ever help your case To display a dismal face When others win the triumphs that to you, indeed, belong? Does, it help you to grumble when the clouds are low; Does hopelessness diminish any woe? Do you ever, when In grief. 4 Find sweet comfort or relief In boring everybody whom you have tba luck to know? Does it help you when your ventures fall to pay To advertise your sorrow or dismay? Does it ever profit you When you happen to be blue To spend your time In trying to make others feel that way?

Plenty of Room.

“Are there any seats In that car?" called the lady who wished to get aboard. “No,” replied the conductor, “but we’ve got one rear platform step left. - *

His Supposition.

"I suppose,” ho said, “it would bo useless for me to ask.you to be mj wife.” “It would.” she replied, “If that’s your stvle of going about it”

It Often Happens.

“I thought you said you were gefe ting in on the groups floor?” “I was, hut the floor was rot tea and I fell into the cellar.” . /