Evening Republican, Volume 17, Number 212, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 September 1913 — Page 3

"UR yU^OF HAT is the wittiest retort or the most humJ&ki morous story you ever beard? JCpW W \ I have been asking * J this question of a list J of public men more Xi// or less noted as wits and humorists. Perhaps the idea may stimulate some literary hack to make a much more complete compilation of American humor and supply a want long felt in these days, when readers are being overfed with the lurid, the morbid and .the tragic. The memory of practically’ every member and ex-member of our various legislative bodies, federal, state and municipal, stores up some samples of original repartee which doubtless will be lost to posterity unless preserved in printer’s, ink, says j John Elfreth Watkins in the Philadelphia Record. In Washington the man who doubtless has the greatest fund of stories of brisk repartee in debate on the floor of congress is Speaker Champ Clark. He recalls stinging retorts that have excited not only uproarious laughter, but threats of personal encounter. The retort which he considers as perhaps the most effective was made by Senator James Hamilton Lewis when a member of the house. Lewis’ opponent had been the aggressor and had been doing all of the vicious digging. Lewis, as usual, was all suavity. The speaker tells the story in this way: “It was one of the finest bits of repartee I ever heard in tfce house. Lewis and Lemuel T. Quigg of New York were having a cut-and-thrust debate on the trusts, Lewis assailing and Quigg defending. "At last Quigg made a particularly vicious lunge at Lewis, to which the latter, with the grace and politeness of Lord Cheßterfleld, replied: “ ‘Mr. Speaker, I do not wonder that the gentleman from New York defends the trusts, for it is written in a very* old book that: The ass knoweth his owner and the ox his master’s crib.” ’ “That ended the debate very suddenly.” Clark gave me also the following sample of repartee, contributed not as one of the wittiest retorts he ever heard, but as that precipitating about the most ridiculous situation he ever witnessed in a legislative body: “Toward the end of his term as speaker of the Missouri house of representatives Judge J. E. Alexander, now a member of the national house of representatives, was solicited for recognition by a large number of members standing in the aisle in front of the speaker’s desk. At last the Hon. James T. Moon, a very brilliant member from Laclede county, yelled out: _ „ “ ‘Mr. Speaker, I want to know if you recognise me?’ “Speaker Alexander, a very grave and dignfiled gentleman, responded: “ ‘lt does seem to me that I have seen that ugly, mug somewhere before.’ " The Immortal wit of the late Senator Jonathan Dolliver is considered by Senator LaFollette to be productive of the very best repartee heard on the floor of the senate. “The quickest flash of wit that I recall,” said he, “came after Senator Warren of Wyoming had delivered a speech in behalf of protection. All members of the senate knew that Senator Warren owned Bheep ranches in his native Btate and his earnest appeal had already tickled the fancy of the listeners. “Senator Dolliver followed him and had begun a discussion of the tariff changes when Senator Warren, anxious to join sh the sentiment, remarked : “'I quite agree with the Benator on that point. Like himself, I am an agriculturist and —’ “ ‘You,’ remarked Dolliver, simply, ‘are the greatest shepherd since Abraham.’ “Even senatorial dignity could not withstand this.” Representative Fitzgerald of New York, chairman of the appropriations committee of the hobse, said that one of the most effective shafts of repartee which he ever heard was hurled some years ago by a southerner, whose name he does not now recall. “A hot debate was on," said Mr. Fitzgerald, “and a member of the Republican party began by assailing congress generally and Democrats in par-

Municipal Pawnshops.

The story of. the Mont de Piete, the great pawnshop of Paris, reads like a romance. It is the Burviv&l of an old bank conducted by a religious order established to fight usury. This benevolent enterprise was- given up to be started afresh ander the direction of the government in 1801 when ;Napoleon was near the height of his glory. The profits go to the state and to charity—to the public aid department and to the hospitals of Paris. TTheirar charities benefit about 70,000

THE WITTIEST THING I EVER HEARD

ticular for their failure to act on some measure in which he was interested. As the debate waxed warmer the Republican member became more and more worked up over the subject. “Finally he charged members of congress generally with idleness. “‘Look at the farmer!’ he shouted ‘He produces the food upon which we live. The honest laborer, toiling home at eve to his humble supper, furnishes the motive power for this great civilization. The storekeeper furnishes the storehouse and the weaver the cloth that goes within the storehouse. All these do their share. Why should we in congress delay? What are we producing?’ “Instantly the southerner was on his feet, courteously requesting recognition. After gaining permission to speak he turned to the excited Republican and said: *“t will enlighten the gentleman if he so desires.’ “ 7 do,’ said the Republican. “ ‘then,’ Bald the southerner, ‘I will tell the gentleman on the ..other side of the chamber that congress produces more talk per capita than any organization in the world.'” Sereno E. Payne, ranking minority member of the ways and means committee, recalls this as the quickest retort he ever heard in congress. “Many years ago Representative Springer of Illinois was debating on the floor of the house. During the course of hie speech he made several remarks of a rather variant nature without apparently realizing the blunder that he was making. After he had talked about ten minutes - Tom Reed arose and interrupted him. “ ‘The gentleman from Illinois,’ said Reed, ‘has made three distinct statements of a contradictory nature. I would like to remark that any one of the three could be used to disprove the others.' “Springer, taken aback, thanked Reed, who sat down. He delivered rather a flowery effort, in which he expressed his satisfaction at having been brought to book by Reed. “Then he concluded: ‘“And I will say, Mr. Speaker, in words that have been used before, I would rather be right than be president’ “Reed did not arise, but smiled sardonically. “ ‘No danger of your being either,’ he yelled across the aisle. Senator Boise Penrose of Pennsylvania, who has himself been the hero of many debates, also regards Tom Reed as his beau ideal of the man with the lightning retort "One of Reed’s sharpest shafts was flung during the debate on the Wilson tariff,” said Senator Penrose. “The argument had been bitter and the fight against the measure had been determined. When the bill finally passed the house a group of Wilson’s friends, among them William Jennings Bryan, picked him up on their shoulders and carried him about the chamber. Q “Tom Reed had been watching the proceeding in a saturnine sort of way. When Wilson and his triumphant bearers reached the center doors of the chamber Reed lifted up his raucous voice and shouted: “ ‘Yqu may carry him out now, while you have the chance. The people of the United States will carry him out next November.' “And it turned out to be as Reed had prophesied.” “What clings to my mind as one of the most amusing incidents ever witnessed in debate,” said Senator John Sharp Williams of Mississippi, “grew out of not exactly a retort, but a speech that was delivered by the late Senator Robert Taylor of Tennes* see. In this address the senator, using his pose of preternatural solemnity, announced that he had listened in a state bordering on stupefaction to the splendid tributes-which had been paid to various American industries. “Then he turned toward Senator Heyburn of Idaho, whose speech in

a year. The storage facilities of the Mont de Piete are admirable. The Frenchman may pawn his feather bed. When it comes to him it, as well as mattresse, blankets and all bed furnishings, have'leen thoroughly disinfected. The rate of Interest on loans is small, and it encourages by all means the redemption of the goods on which money has been advanved. As the Mont de Piere advances money only on a conservative valuation —as a fule to the value of two-thirds of the article pawned—there is general-

THE EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER, IND,

behalf of a duty on cattle and hogs had been lengthy and earnest. “‘But chiefly,’ said Senator Taylor, ‘was I impressed by the orotund syllables which issued from the esophagus of the senior senator from Idaho as in accents of Homeric rhythm he poured forth his defense of the American hog.’ “The picture, coupled with Senator Heyburn’s dignity, was so utterly ridiculous that it took the senate several minutes fully to recover its gravity.” “One of the quickest flashes of repartee which I have heard in a long time,” said Senator William Alden Smith of Michigan, "occurred while Senator Penrose of Pennsylvania and Senator Simmons of North Carolina were recently debating the tariff in a desultory sort of way. “Senator Simmons had announced with great earnestness that he was going to vote for free lumber. “Senator Penrose, with a courteous gesture, congratulated his opponent on his versatility. “ ‘I did not grasp the senator’s remark,’ said Senator Simmons. “‘I made the polite observation,’ explained Senator Penrose, ’that the senator shows all of the earnestness in his argument for the removal of the duty on lumber that he showed at the last session, when he insisted the duty on lumber be retained. The senator is a man of talent.’ ” “I think that the Btory told by Mr. Strickland Gillilan at the seventh annual dinner of the Indiana Society of Chicago is as good a one as I ever heard,” said Dr. Harvey W. Wiley, the pure food champion, who is a raconteur of note. “The combination of the classical and .the cockney 1b certainly enough to tickle anyone. “A cockney was chosen for a prominent part in one of the historical pageants during the week when George last of England was jumped into the king row. The cockney had been s» lected, purely because of his figure, as the one to personate one of the ancient Roman invaders of the tripartite little island. He knew none of the Roman invaders by sight or by proxy. He had' never heard of them. They did not move in his seat. Yet he was invested with a short, thin, sleeveless tunic, thinner fleshings, tin greaves, ditto helmet, sandals and a large spear. After walking about the streets of London some hours thus clad, this bally blighter was weary and footsore and ashamed. At last -there came a chance to rest, while some hitch in tfie proceedings was unhitched. Jußt at that moment a bitter wind blew from the channel and chilled his scantily clad form. He stood shivering in his finery when an old lady, literal minded and deeply interested in historical pageantry, approached him and said: “ ‘Are you Appius Claudius?’ "‘No, blimy; I’m un’appy as ’ell!’’*

Getting the Habit.

Keeping oneself reasonably happy la a duty that ought not to be shirked. Science is telling us these days that to get out of the habit of enjoyment is to get depressed in vitality and vigdr, to weaken In efficiency and to grow old before one’s time. There Is nothing like laughter—not empty-headed laughter, but the Intelligent, wholesome, kindly-hearted kind —to keep people young and fresh, and fit for the business and the obligations of living. Of course, this is a prescription not easy to live up to always, but there Is no reasonable excuse for not trying to do it. Sometimes it is just about as easy to be happy as to be miserable, if one makes up his mind to it, and there is no doubt at all as to which pays the best

Why He’s There.

Bacon —I never could understand why a fellow who goes into a show free should be called a deadhead. Egbert—Why not? “Because from the way he applauds everything he’s the llvest one In the audience.”

ly a surplus to, go to the pawner If the pledge is sold. Municipal pawnshops in Berlin charge 18 per cent., in Brussels 7 per cent., in Madrid 6 per cent. In London for small loans the pawnshop rate is from 400 to 1,000 per cent, per annum.

No Time Wasted.

Imogene—We weren't in the hal two mlnuteß before he kissed me! Doris —Yum! Was it an event? Imogene—My dear, he’s an efßdan cy expert.—Judge.

CANDIED GRAPE FRUIT PEEL

Skins, Usually Thrown Away, May Be Utilized for Consumption In the Winter. » > You can make use of the grape fruit skins in the following manner if the fruit is fresh and perfect. Remove it in fotrr sections or quarters and cut it into strips about an * inch wide. Weigh the peel; then weigh an equal quantity of sugar. Cover the peel with fresh cold water and let stand over in this same water until it is very tender, easily pierced with a broom straw. Best to use a wide, rather shallow, pan or preserve kettle, so as not to crowd tbe peel, and allow it to cook uniformly and without breaking. When tender take from the fire and let stand until morning. Drain off the liquid, add more water if not sufficient to cover well. The weight of water should be half that of sugar. Cook the sugar and water to a syrup but not too thick; add the peel and simmer slowly until it is nearly absorbed and peel comparatively clear. Let it get nearly cold, then pick out the peel, roll in granulated sugar and place on waxed paper to dry. Keep in wide-mouthed glass jars. If peel gets too hard you can freshen it by cooking whatever quantity you desics for use in a little syrup until it softens, and again roll in sugar, or use at once. The syrup can also be used to sweeten and flavor.

TRY THIS APPLE MINT JELLY

No More Delicious Combination, for Those -Who Like Flavor, Can Be Berved With Mutton, Apple juice forms the basis of a great number of our conserves and jellies, and here is an idea that will be new and pleasing to those who dearly love, their mutton served with mint and apple jelly, as it should be. Cut apples out without paring; simply cutting out bruises and imperfect spots. Barely cover with cold water, put a cover Over the kettle and let them simmer until soft throughout; then turn into cheese cloth and drain. Measure a quart of this juice and three cups of sugar. Set the sugar in the stove oven, spread on a shallow dish. Place the juice on to boil with the fresh, tender leaves from a bunch of mint. Cook 20 minutes at a boil; strain out the leaves; add the hot sugar and boil until the syrup will jell when tested on a cold saucer. If you wish the pretty green color or the mint jelly served you at the tearoom table, use a little, as it must be a dainty tint. Pour into glasses same as other jelly. A pretty fancy is to use tiny tumblers or glasses such aB the imported bar-le-duc comes in. One of these can be served to 'feach guestor member of the family.

English Patties.

Cut cold cooked chicken in onefourth Inch cubes; there should be one cupful. Add six mushroom caps, peeled and cut In cubes, one-half truffle, cut In small pieces, and two tablespoonfuls of butter. Cook five minutes, Btirring constantly, and add two tablespoonfuls of .flour and stir until well blended; then pour on gradually, while stirring constantly, one cupful of chicken broth. Bring to the boiling point and let simmer ten minutes. Season with one-half teaspoonful of salt, oneeighth teaspoonful of cayenne, and one-eighth teaspoonful of grated nutmeg. Beat one egg slightly, dilute with one tablespoonful of cream and add to hot mixture. Stir until blended, and fill'patty cases. —Woman’s Home Companion.

Huckleberry Pudding.

A huckleberry pudding is made in this way: Cream a cupful of butter and the same amount of sugar. Then add the yolks of three eggs, beating In one at a time, and then the whites whipped stiff. Add half a cupful ol milk and two cupfuls of flour, sifted with half a teaspoonful of salt and two teasponfuls of baking powder. Wash and look over a cupful of huckleberries and spread them on a clean towel or board to dry. When they are dry rub them with flour and add them to the batter. Bake the pudding in a round or square pudding -dish well buttered. Serve with hard sauce flavored with nutmeg.

Roasted Tomatoes.

Peel the tomatoes as directed, cut a piece off the top and remove a little of the pulp. Put a piece of butter or a few drops of oil in each one, duSt with salt and pepper, replace the top, s&rinkle with fine crumbs moistened with butter, salt and pepper. Place each one on a slice of bread, buttered; and put a little piece of butter or tiny square of fat bacon on top of each. Bake for about fifteen minutes, or until they are tender. *

Fruit Puff Pudding.

Mix well one pint of flour, one and one-half teaspoons of yeast powder and a little salt. Make into a soft batter with milk. Put into well greased cups one spoonful batter, then one cup of strawberries, or any fruit preferred, then another of fatter. Steam 20 minutes. Serve with liquid sauce.

Corn a La Southern.

Chop one can corn and add two eggs slightly beaten, one teaspoon salt, one-eighth teaspoon pepper, one and one-half tablespoons melted butter and two cups scalded milk. Turn Into a buttered baking dish and bake In a slow oven until firm.

How to Wash Sateen.

When washing sateen a little borax put Into the last rinsing water la very good to make the sateen glossy when Ironed. , ' ,

Every time s girl’s heart is broken she saves the pieces. Believe In the better side of men. It is optimism that really saves people.—lan Maclaren. f \ 111 1 ~~ ‘ «. 5 Improved lowa farms for sale at auction. Sept. 5,6, 8, 9 and 10th. 1-10 cash and half the crop yearly until balance la paid, or in ten payments. J. Mulhall, 420 6th Street, Sioux City, lowa. Adv. In an endeavor to cure deep-seated diseases French physicians afe experimenting with'injecting solution of radiilin into the human body.

Natural.

“Just look at the fissures in the ceiling and walls of this house.” “Well, what of them? Didn’t you tell me it was put up by a crack builder?”

Weird Work.

“What’s this; volcano in action?” “No.” “Town on fire?" “No, no; still life. Piece of huckleberry pie, painted by a cubist,”

An 18 Per Cent. Investment.

Jones & TJaker, 39 South La Salle Street, Chicago, and 25 Broad Street, New York, have Issued a very comprehensive report on Nipissing Mines Company of the Cobalt district, Ontario, showing the Company to have paid out in dividends $10,440,000. Every reader of this paper can secure a free copy of this report by addressing their nearest office.—Adv.

Then What Did Papa Do?

When one dish was passed, mamma said she just loved to eat of it, but that the food not ayee with her. Paxton said he liked bananas, but he didn’t eat them. ‘ Then Jean, the five-year-old, said" “I love watermelon, but I can’t eat it” “Why can’t you eat watermelon?” said papa. “Because you don’t buy me any,” she said

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Identified Himself.

The whizzing motor car struck a stump, and one of the occupants of the back seat, a lady possessed of considerable. embonpoint, executed a neat but not gaudy parabola in the atmosphere and alighted by tbe roadside like a polypus falling from a shot tower. “I don’t believe I* have broken any bones,” she stated, in reply to the inquiry of the omnipresent bystander; “but there is a lump on this bank that-y” “Lump—nuthin’!” snarled a smothered voice. “I’m the constable that’s goin’ to arrest you gosh-durney joyriders, if 1 live!”—Judge. «*he tinplate production of the United States last year—1,750.000.000 pounds—was ten times as great as it was in 1899.

WINCHESTER 4BPBR “Leader*’ and Repeater” B SMOKELESS POWDER SHELLS! f a Carefully inspected shells, the best com- I ■ ' binations of powder, shot and wadding, 1 S -jlilKß ***** by machines which give invariable ■ * ■ results are responsible for the superiority ■ mwmm of Winchcster “Leader” and “Repeater” I ii F actor y Loaded Smokeless Powder Stalls. I His- —Mfcjß There is no guesswork in loading them. ■ ; go. Reliability, velocity, pattern and penetration are ■ determined by scientific apparatus and practical I Do you shoot them? If not, I better try the W brand. They are the 1 FIRST CHOICE OF THE BEST SHOTS. I

MOTHER SO POORLY Could Hardly Care for Children Finds Health in Lydia E» Pinkliam’s VegBovina Center, N.Y.—“ For six years I have not bad as good health as I have now. I was very _ young when my first baby was born and lijfi v* mmm m y health was very m *“* jilSffil had after that. I § - was not regular and I had pains in flay W\ \ back and was so 1 -j H VJT V,- poorly that I could f 1 f vJ/j hardly take care of I r/rWr'vV my two children. 1 I KJ Y 'y- doctored with ser- *" eral doctors but got no better. They told me there was no help without an operation. Ihaveosed Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Com* pound and it has helped me wonderfully. I do most of my own work now and taka care of my children. I recommend your remedies to all suffering women.”— Mrs. Willard a. Graham, Care of Elsworth Tuttle, Bovina Center, Hit. Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Com* pound, made from native roots and herbs, contains no narcotics or harmful drugs, and today holds the record of being the moat successful remedy wa know for woman’s ilia. If you need such a medicine why don’t you try it ? If you have the slightest doubt that Lydia E. Pinkliam’s Vegeta* hie Compound will help yotLtviite to LydiaE.Pinkham Medici neCo. (confidential) Lynn,Mass., for advice. Your letter will be opened, read and answered by a woman, and held in strict confidence.

emit For Infants and Children, The Kind You Have Always Bought Bears the l Signature fJWp * w ft Jr * n (Tr Nse \y For Over Thirty Years CASTORIA «•*»»«*« MWMT. MW MM OITT.

Plant That Catches Its Food.

The common bladderwort, as aquatic plant not only defends Itself against insects and animals, bat catcbes worms and fish for its food. As it floats underneath tbe surface of tbe water its leafy branches spread out iu all directions. Its leaves are covered with little oval bladders filled with air, and at one end of each bladder is a cavity which leads into the mouth below. Inside the bladder 1* a small trap door which opens when pressure is put on it. A small worm or a small fish can enter this door, but they can never come out

Thoroughly Enjoyable.

“How was the picnic?” “A great success. More people came near getting drowned than on any other similar occasion I ever heard) of.”— Birmingham Age-Herald.