Evening Republican, Volume 17, Number 145, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 June 1913 — SHORT FURROWS. [ARTICLE]

SHORT FURROWS.

By Abe Martin.

Tt is positively a crime t’ be on th’ hummer in th’ twenties century,” declared Miss Tawney Apple in her address before th’ Society Fer th’ Suppression o’ Blind Accordion Players at Melodeon Hall last night. Th’ meetin’ waz held primarily t’ break up th’ checker contests in th’ courthouse yard, an’ t’ drive th’ players int’ th’ channels' o’ usefullness beyond th’ fifteen ball pool zone. Continuin’ fer some length Miss Apple said: ‘Th’ boy that sticks around home after maturity an’ bunches his laundry with father, will gather no moss. Young lady, if you are engaged t’ a young man an’ he is plannin’ t’ live with his folks, return his ring an’ get a job in a cannery till a real producer comes along. Never thorw yourself away on a feller that can’t wait till he’s able t’ support you. No matter how cheerful ai>’ commodious his father’s home may be, sumbuddy’ll alius be in th’ bath tub jlst when you want it. Th’ young man that can’t decide whether he wants t* be a great author er the proprietor o’ a dry cleanin’ establishment’!! never amount t’ anything until that question has beep decided. A boy should be firmly entrenched in an occupation at least a year before his first shave. There’s too many fellers failin’ in love first an’ experimentin’ with work afterward.

“We’re now livin in th’ best period o’ human existence. While meat is high an’ th’ life o’ a tire haint what t should be, it’s worth all it costs t’ even be in th’ gallery in this age o’ mighty achievements. Even if you’re drivin’ a delivery wagon er sewer linin’s in flve-cent hats, It’s worth all th’ attendant privations an’ hardships jlst t’ be able t’ watch th’ conquests o’ th’ air an’ sea an’ earth ‘Th’ world has made more advancement in th’ last century than in all th’ centuries o’ history. Most o’ th’ discoveries an’ inventions date from th’ first appearance o’ th’ Eclipse Kraut Cutter in 1867. Ther are folks here t’night who kin remember when electric curlin’ irons, alfalfa, movin’ pictures, gold teeth, contented farmers, reform waves, toupees, silos, San Jose scale, stenographers, Kiefer pears an’ rouge sticks wuz never dreamed of. With all o’ these discoveries an’ innovations comes th’ golden age o’ opportunity. Ther Is no alibi fer a failure t’day. Even folks that don’t deserve success are succeedin’ fer beyond ther hopes. Th’ call fer feljers that kin deliver th’.goods wuz never so emphatic, an’ th’ demand fer agents that have failed at ever’thing else is th’ greatest in th’ world’s history. It’s a misdemeanor t’ be idle t’day—it’s a felony f whittle. It’s a sin tbe seen leanin’ agin th’ pustoffice corner while th’ cry fer help is distinctly heard above th’ din o’-industry. Don’t wait fer a position, don’t aspire t’ be a agent, but go F work.

“Parents, learn, a lesson from th’ >ald eagle that builds his nest on ;h’ dizzy bights o’ some mountain. If you are harborin' a son that prides himself on bein’ able f roll a cigarette with one hand, an’ who s lyin’ in wait fer somethin’' easy that Just suits him, crowd him out o’ th* parental nest. Make him try his wings. This is an age o’ hustlin’ an’ th’ only thing that comes t’ him who waits is penniless ole age.”