Evening Republican, Volume 17, Number 85, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 April 1913 — Page 3

WIT and HUMOR

GRAND PROVOST MADE ERROR

Tristan L’Hermlte Receives Private Sign From Louis XI., but Picks Out Wrong Man. Louis XI. of France one day, observing among the crowd who assembled to see him an officer whom he disliked, made a private sign to Tristan L’Hermlte, his grand provost, to put him out of the way. Tristan, well accustomed to the signal, but unluckily mistaking the man alluded to, accosted a well-fed monk, who stood in the same time with the captain, allured him into the palace yard, thrust him into a sack and threw him into the Seine. ____ -' ■ - : Next day Louis, hearing that the proscribed officer had been seen posting toward Flanders, reproached Tristan with this neglect. “To Flanders!” said the grand provost; “your majesty must be in an error. The monk has got halfway to Rouen by this time. I sent him adrift tied up in a sack/’ “What monk?” “Him your majesty pointed at.” “Hah!” said the king, with his usral oath, “you have drowned me the best priest in the kingdom. It cannot be helped now, so we will have a half a dozen masses said for his soul; but it was that dog of a captain, not the poor monk, that I meant” —Life.

Hints for Housekeepers.

If your husband is'about to make a trip tn a sleeping car it is a good idea to empty his fountain pen, quietly and unobtrusively, before he starts. There are several ways of cooking cabbage, but you get about the same smell from all of them. Experience has shown that unless the roof of an ordinary tenement house is reshingled as often as once in eighteen or twenty years it will leak in spots. It is hard, however, to make the owner or agent of the house believe this. It greatly troubled by the blackening of the mantles on your gas burners try shutting off the gas and using electricity for a while. It Is better to put your money into good books than to hide it away in cracked old.ieapots.

Muffled Knocks.

“It’s awfully kind of you to call so often, Mrs. Shykes, when it’s so seldom that I have the leisure to entertain you.” “I liked your speech at the banquet the other evening very much, Mr. GHzzard, though all I heard of it was the last sentence or two.” “Doctor, we haven’t had the slightest uneasiness about Billy since you* took charge of the case. In fact, he was nearly well when we called you in.” “So sorry we didn’t meet you when we were traveling through Spain last summer. We stopped, you see, at the expensive hotels.”

WILLING.

Bess—Excuse me while I dress for the theater. Try to amuse yourself some way. Bert —All right. Send in that new maid.

Or a Mirror Before Her.

“Bobby,” asked his maternal ances***tor, "what did you learn at school today?” “I learned,” said Bobby, rubbing himself where it still seemed to hurt, “that teacher’s got eyes in the back of , *er head. Her face was turned th* other way, an’ yet she seen me eatin' «n apple.”

No Team Work.

Barker —I wonder why Jarrocks and his wife are always at war with eaeh other? Parker-Lays it to the fact that he runs his house like the city government —formed a board of estimate and control, and made (he initial mistake of choosing the estimating as his part the combination. —Judge.

JOKE ON REALTY SALESMAN

Neglected to Ascertain Location of Farmer Who Wanted to Make , Exchange for City Lots. One of the best stories of the hustling real estate salesman we ever heard comes from one of the fraternity who isn’t afraid to tell a joke because it happens to be on him. This salesman heard of a man who was anxious to trade a farm for some tomobile, drove to the farm owner’s town office and warmly invited him to come out and look at some fine suburban property The prospective buyer seemed glad of the opportunity and they were soon speeding toward the subdivision in which our hero was interested. Half an hour beyond the city limits the real estate man began to point out corner lots, prospective paving and sewer systems, locations for imposing residences and all that sort of thing. “The city is growing right out this way,” he said. “Facts and figures prove that beyond the possibility of a doubt. In ten years these lots will be in the most fashionable part of town and will be worth five times what they are selling for today. While your farm will—by the way, where is your farm located?” "We passed it on our way out here from the city,” said the prospective buyer. “Want to look at it?” —Cleveland Plain Dealer.

GOT ALL THEY HAD.

“Tom has broken with his relsr tives.” “But he broke them before he broke with them.”

Dear Me.

"Is this Mr. Biggs’ office?” The clerk looked up. “No, sir; Mr. Biggs’ office is on the other side of the passage.” “Thank you,” said the other, and stepped outside, leaving the door wide open. “Hi, sir! You’ve left the door open,” yelled the clerk after him. “Dear me, so I have. You see, all the doors at my house are fitted with Blodger’s patent springs. Allow me to show you a specimen. Never wears out, never cracks or jams or needs oiling and Tld Bits/

Turned Down.

W. Somerset Maugham, the English playwright, was praising the American girl. “The independent American girl,” he said, “will stand no nonsense—especially from elderly married men, "Coming over on the boat there was a beautiful American girl, and one afternoon an elderly married man’s wife was heard to say to him: “George, I don’t like the way you’ve been looking at Miss Blanc.’ “Poor George frowned and muttered: ' “‘Well, she don’t, either!’”

Eggs.

“How much are these eggs?” asked Mrs. Younglove. “Them are 86 cents a dozen, ma’am,” the grocer replied. "They’re fresh.” “And these in the next crate?" “Them are 40 cents a dozen. They are strictly fresh.” “How mucn are those at the end of the counter?” “Them are 60 cents.” “But they are not marked fresh or strictly fresh.” “I know, ma’am. Them is some I picked out to take home."

Shifting Responsibility.

A town character who had been in trouble with the police many tlmss was arrested on a minor criminal charge. The arresting officer was amazed when the fellow appeared in police court with a lawyer, prepared to make a defense. Finally his case was called, and the judge asked: “Prisoner, are you guilty or not guilty?" “Let my lawyer plead not guilty for me, judge,” was the reply. “I ain’t got the nerve.” ——£ _

A Poser.

The curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach the significance of white to a Sunday school class. “Why,” said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white at her marriage T’ As no one answered, he explained. “White,” said La, "stands for joy, and the wedding day is the most joyous occasion of a woman’s life." A small boy queried, "Why do the men all wear black?’’—Argonaut

Strength of Right.

"I guess ma’s right this time.” "What do you mean?” “She and pa have been arguing about something for an hour and me hasn’t, avun stared to cry "

DRAW FOR BRIDES

Cowboy Brothers Wed Sisters After Courtship by Mail All . Started by Pictures Sent by the Boys From the Canadian Northwest to Their Btiilsr in ~ Brussels. New York. —Introduced by mail, paired by a draw of straws, and wedded by the- same by the same pastor, in the same church and on the same night, Messrs, and Mesdames Gaston and George Pootmans, newly wed brothers and sisters, respectively, who arrived on the Red Star liner Vaderland from Antwerp, told friends who came to the pier to meet them • that they had had quite enough of romance tor four and they were going back to Regina, Canada, and go into the cattle-raising business. Up to last week the brides and bridegrooms had never seen each other, although they felt that they had established somewhat of an intimacy through the mails. The brothers came over from Brussels three years ago and worked as cowboys on a'cattle ranch in Saskatchewan, Canada. Before they had ridden the range long they had their pictures taken in their western garb and mailed back to their sister, Millie, In Brussels. Now, Miss Millie Pootmans had two dear friends in Brussels. Their names were'Georgette and Lea Terwagne. Nothing was more natural, thereforethan that she should exhibit the pictures of her brothers in their pioneer roles to the friends. "Let’s write to them just for fun,” offered Miss Georgette, after she had perused the pictures in company with her sister Lea for a bit.-

The bargain was struck. The return mail brought two letters in the same delicately perfumed envelope, addressed to the "Pootmans Brothers." The next east-bound mail carried letters to the sisters. The pairs had been introduced by Miss Millie Pootmans, the sister of the cowboys, and so all parties to the transaction felt that the proceeding was sanctioned by the strictest rules of etiquette. Besides, it was such great fun. It was, for a fact A few weeks ago the cowboys de-

FLEES TO EUROPE

Archbishop’s Attempt to Rule Santo Domingo Fails. President Nouel Loses Confidence of Rebel Leaders —Pusillanimous Attitude Said to Be Cause of Downfall. Puerto Plata, Santo Domingo.— Mgr. Nouel, president of Santo Domingo, resigned his office recently and fled to Europe. The collapse of the Nouel administration, which was established with the co-operation of the United States after the recent revolution which drove the Victoria family from power, is believed to be due to the vacillating attitude of President Nouel in face of the open hostility of the revolutionary leaders, who viewed with dismay his failure to call for a popular

Ex-Pre?oent Nouel.

election in accordance with the compact entered into with the American 'commission and the revolutionary leaders in November last Gen. Horacio Vasquez, who was the commander-in-chief of the revolutionary forces, la now here. He told a correspondent that President None! became perplexed and disregarded his compact with the revolutionists, confiding in the old politiAd affiliation. He was slow to accept constitutional government and lost public confidence, the people fearing a return to militarism. "Congress," added General Vasques, “should not select a provisional president from among the candidates for

DAUGHTERS OF POSTMASTER GENERAL

The second and third daughters of Postmaster General Burleson, Lucy, aged 18 years (right), and Sidney, aged 16 (left), are attending a girls’ college in Virginia, and probably will go thence to the University of Texas, despite their ardent desire to be in Washington while their father is in the cabinet.

qided to take a little vacation and “drop back home." Before boarding the train for New York, where they had engaged passage. Gaston called his brother to one side and suggested that he might have other company on the homeward trip. * "That’s nothing to me," returned the other. "I have had similar thoughts myself.” “But which one are you going to take?” asked the other. "Whichever ■ one will accept me," was Gaston’s reply. After more of this sort of parley the boys agreed to leave their fates to straws. The one that drew the long straw was to propose to Miss Georgette and the other was to seek

the presidency now in the field, as this will cause a new revolution." He fears a coup d’etat in the capital and then armed resistance.

LOVES MAN WHO BEAT HER

Girl In Chicago Court Convicts Him on Testimony, Then Tries to Free Him. Chicago. —After Fred Wagner was fined |IOO and costs by Municipal Judge Mahoney for beating her. Miss Marie Sholda put her arms around his neck and with tears streaming down her face begged the judge to release him. “I love him, judge, and I’ll pay his fine if I can if you’ll only let him go," the girl sobbed. “Please let him go." Judge Mahoney didn’t see the matter in that light. The girl’s face was cut and bruised. She testified that she had met Wagner in Milwaukee and had come to Chicago with him on his promise to marry her. She said she woke up in the night at the Haymarket hotel in West Madison street and Wagner was beating her with a shoe. He jumped from a sec-ond-story window when she screamed and broke his right leg. He denied he tried to take her money, |550.

FRENCH CAVE-DWELLER DIES

Hermit, Aged Beventv-Blx, Is Found Dead in a Grotto In Which He Lived. Paris. —A man of seventy-eight, named Leleu, who had lived as a hermit for 27 years in a grotto near Arcysur-Cure, Department of the Yonne, has been found dead In the grotto, his head covered with wounds. It is suggested that the old man, who was known as “the troglodyte** (cavedweller), may have received his injuries by falling from his grotto on to the rocks below.

FREED ON MYTHICAL PAROLE

Sheriff Took Some One’s Word for It on Way to Prison and Turned His Man Loose.

Santa Fe, N. II. —Octaviano Telles, convicted in 1909 of complicity in the murder of a man In Valencia county, in 1890, and who has been at liberty for more than three years under the impression that he bad been granted a parole by the governor, has begun serving a sentence of three years in the state penitentiary. The fact that a parole was never granted Teles was discovered recently by Governor McDonald, and he ordered the man's arrest and incarceration. After the murder Telles left the Territory and remained away for fifteen years. Suspicion had strongly attached to him. He returned tn 1909 and was tried and convicted. In custody of the sheriff he started for the prison here. When the train reached Albuquerque the sheriff was advised by some man, whose name is not

the hand of Miss Lea. As it happened Gaston drew the long straw and that is one reason why he is the husband of Miss Georgette. The other said at the pier that he was eminently satisfied with having drawn the shorter straw. The wedding was arranged for In short order upon the arrival of the cowboys on the other side and the two brides declared themselves highly pleased at the pier. The Footmans are going to establish ranches of their own upon their return to the Canadian province. Gaston Pootmans is twenty-eight years old. His brother is three years his' Junior. Gaston’s wife is twenty, and her sister two years younger.

URGES WOMEN FOR POLICE

Inez Mllholland, Girl Suffragist, Tells Plan for Overcoming Social Evil. New York.—Miss Inez Mllholland, suffrage leader and social worker, who drove back the rioters In the Washington parade with her lance, expressed hearty approval of the idea advanced

Miss Inez Milholland.

by Mrs. O. H. P. Belmont, that women should be put on the police force-to deal with delinquency among girls. “Women.” she said, “become hardened finally in the life of the streets and then It takes a woman to get back of this with an appeal to the heart of the woman."

Miss Mllholland urged the formation of a colony where the women arrested could be rebuilt morally and physically.

mentioned, that be was going to the capital for a parole, in a few hours the sheriff was advised that the parole was granted and Telles was allowed to go back to his farm.

GIVES MAN $25,000 AS A TIP

Pittsburgh Steel Man Rewards Em. ploys of Waldorf-Astoria Upon Occasion of Arrival of a Baby.. New York. —A 125,000 tip has been given EL T. D. Hodges, traffic manager of the Waldorf-Astoria, in recognition of his services by a millionaire Pittsburgh steel man. For years Hodges has looked out for the interests of tbe wealthy man, refusing his offers of tips. When a baby arrived the steel man expressed his appreciation by giving >25,000 to the father, to be held to* trust for the little girt

The Word of Life

By REV.H.W. POPE.

MoadyßUa hdisi.CTif!-

■ t ■. • ■ . TEXT—“Holding forth the word of ItM” Phil. 1:16.

others. Paul then . goes on to say that if these Philippian church members were satisfied simply to set a consistent example, and did not also engage in personal effort to help the. unsaved he should consider his labor upon these as well nigh lost. The ease with which one can do this works and the blessing which usually accompanies it. makes it almost inexcusable for us to neglect It. : On one occasion I handed a little card to a man asking If he would like Something to read. On it he saw the Word Christian, and at once he said with a sneer, “ 'Christian,* yes, I have neighbors who are Christians, and I have some who are not, and the latter are more neighborly and more honorable in business every time.** "That may be.** I said, “but remember that it is not their religion which makes your neighbors mean and dishonorable, but the lack of it. and it is not fair to blame Jesus Christ for what does not belong to him.’* .

Then I added. “It may be that you do not feel the need of a Savior now, but the time will surely come when you will feel it." "I guess I need him enough now. My wife died about a year ago, and since then I have lost my daughter. My home is broken up and I haven’t anything left to live for.” The man’s voice trembled, and die tears began to come. I saw that I bad touched a tender chord, and I said, "My friend, if there is any one on this earth that needs Jesus Christ, I think you are the man." Then I held up Christ as a comforter and told him how willing Christ was to come into his sad heart and make it glad, and into his desolate home and make It bright with heavenly hopes. Then, taking it for granted that he did not know bow to find Christ, I went on to explain the way of salvation. Then I . said, “Now my friend, with thia ununderstanding of what it is to become a Christian, are you willing to accept Christ as your Savior right here and now, and give me your hand on it?” “Yes sir, I am," he replied, and he grasped my hand heartily. Then we removed our hats, and 1 prayed, and he prayed, after which he gave me his name and told me all about himself. This was at a county fair in the midst of noise and confusion. Horses were racing, fakirs were shouting and the merry-go-round was tor full trtast. AntT yut tn riw midst of that surging crowd this man with bared head was confessing hie sins to God and Inviting Jesus Christ to come into his heart. It is a great aid in opening conversation with strangers to have with yon a variety of leaflets or gospel cards. You can hand one to a person saying. "Would you like something to read?" If he does not express an opinion, you can give him another, saying, "This one is a little different," or "Here is one which I think you will enjoy.” By this mean you gradually become acquainted, and by and by you can give him one which presents the way of salvation plainly, and ask him If he has accepted Christ as his Savior. Sitting in a hotel in Denver I was reading a newspaper. By my side sat a young man talking with two others. Soon he uttered an oath. Taking out a little card entitled, "Why Do You Swear?” I laid It down on the arm of the chair between us, and went on reading. He picked it tip and read it. As soon as his companions left he said to me. "My friend, that is the best thing on swearing I ever saw. It Is an awful habit I know and I ought not

to do it, but you see I am a newspaper man on the Chicago Inter Ocean. I am thrown in with a rough crowd and I cannot seem to overcome the habit." He then went on to tell me about himself and we had a long heart to heart talk. Remember he began the conversation, and he did most of the talking. When we have ascertained one’s real position, the next thing is to lead him to accept Christ. The main object is not to lead people to glev up their bad habits, or to attend church, or even to Join tbe church, but rather to accept Christ as their personal Lord and Master. We should then show them from God’s word that they have forgiveness of sins and eternal life (Acts 10:43; John 3:36). They should also be instructed in the duties of the Christian life, especially the duty of confessing Christ publicly, and the habit of daily prayer and Bible reading.

In writing to the church at Philippi which he had just founded, Paul urges upon them two things: First: That they be blameless and harmless, o r In other words, that they live a consistent Christian life. Secondly: That they form the habit of holding forth the word of life to