Evening Republican, Volume 16, Number 296, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 December 1912 — EXCUSE ME! [ARTICLE]

EXCUSE ME!

By Rupert Hughes

Novelized from the Comedy of the Same Naas* ILLUSTRATED fne Fketotraph* of file Ploy ee Prefaced By Beery W. Severe

Owmiit, mi, h/ a. k. r\/ a* 1 t» SYNOPSIS. ,» * . * Lieut. Harry Mallory Is ordered to 'the Phlippines. He and Marjorie Newton decide to elope, but wreck of taxijcab prevents their seeing minister on ’the way to the train. Transcontinental (train Is taking on passengers. Porter gias a lively time with an Englishman jand Ira Lathrop, a Yankee business Ivuan. The elopers have an exciting; itime getting to the train. “Little Jimimie” Wellington, bound for Reno to get to. divorce, boards train in maudlin condition. Later Mrs. Jimmie appears. She is also bound for Reno with same object. Likewise Mrs. Sammy Whitcomb. Latter blames Mrs. Jimmie for her marital troubles. Classmates of Mallory decorate bridal berth. Rev. and Mrs. (Temple start on a vacation. They deteide to cut loose and Temple removes •evidence of his calling. Marjorie decides to let Mallory proceed alone, but train starts while they are lost in fareiwell. Passengers Join Malory's classmates in giving couple wedding hazing. Marjorie is distracted. Ira Lathrop. woman-hating bachelor, discovers an old sweetheart, Annie Gattle, a fellowpassenger. Mallory vainly hunts for a preacher among the passengers. Mrs. Wellington hears Little Jimmie's voice. Later she meets Mrs. Whitcomb. Mallory reports to Marjorie his failure to find ~a preacher. They decide to pretend a quarrel and Mallory finds a vacant berths Mrs. Jimmie discovers Wellington on the train. Mallory again makes an unsuccessful hunt tof a preacher, pr. Temple poses as a physician. Mrs. Temple is Induced by Mrs. Wellington to smoke a cigar. Sight of preacher on a station platform raises Mallory’s hopes, but he takes another train. Missing hand baggage compels the couple to borrow from passengers. Jimmie gats a cinder in his eye and Mrs. Jimmie gives first aid. Coolness is then resumed. Still no clergyman. More borrowing. Dr. Temple puzzled by behavior of different couples. Marjorie’s jealousy aroused by Mallory’s baseball jargon. Marjorie suggests wrecking the train in hopes that accident will produce a preacher. Also tries to induce conductor to hold the train so she can shop. Marjorie’s dog is missing. She pulls the cord, stopping the train. Conductor restores dog and lovers quarrel. Lathrop wires for a preacher to marry him and Miss Gattle. Mallory tells Lathrop of his predicament and arranges to borrow the preacher. Kitty Lewellyn, former sweetheart of Mallory’s, appears and arouses Marjorie’s jealousy. Preacher boards train. After marrying Lathrop and Miss Gattle the preacher escapes Mallory by leaping from moving train. Mallory’s dejection moves Marjorie to reconciliation. The fast day on the train brings- Mallory the fear of missing his transport. Mallory gets a Nevada marriage license. Marjorie refuses to be married by a divorce drummer. Mr. and Mrs. Jimmie make up. Kitty Lewellyn refuses to return Mallory’s braclet Robbers hold up the train. The passengers are relieved of their valuables. Dr. Temple admits he is a preacher.

CHAPTER XXXlX,—Continued. But the robbers kept glancing this way and that, and one motion would mean death. They themselves were so overwrought with their own ordeal and its immediate conclusion, that they would have killed anybody. Mallory shifted his foot cautiously, and Instantly a gun was jabbed Into his stomach, with a snarl: “Don't you move!" “Who’s moving?” Mallory answered, with a poor imitation oi* a careless laugh. .-And now the man called Bill had reached Marjorie's right hand. He chortled: “Golly, look at the shiners." But Jake, who had chosen Marjorie’s left hand, roared: “Say, you cheated. All I get is this measly plain gold band.’’ “Oh, don’t take that!’’ Marjorie gasped, clenching her hand. Mallory’s heart ached at the thought of this final sacrilege. He had the license, and the minister at last —and now the fiends were going to carry off the wedding ring. He controlled himself with a desperate effort, and stooped to plead: “Say, old man, don’t take that That’s not fair.” “Shut of yon,” Jake growled, and jabbed him again with the gun. He gave the ring a jerk, but Marjorie, in the very face of the weapon, would not let go. She struggled and tugged, weeping and Imploring: “Oh, don’t, don’t take that! It’s’ my wedding ring.” “Agh, what do I care!” the ruffian snarled, and wrenched her finger so viciously that she gave a little cry of pain. „ That broke Mallory’s heart With a w^ld,. bellowing, “Damn you!” he burled himself at the man, with only bis bare hands: for weapons. CHAPTER XL. A Hero In Spite of Hltfiself. Passion sent Mallory into the unequal fight with two armed and desperate outlaws. But reason had planned the way. He had been studying the robber all the time, as If the villain were a war-map, studying his gestures, his way of turning, and how be held the revolver. He had noted that the man, as he frisked the passengers, did not keep his finger on the trigger, but on the guard. Marjorie’s little battle threw the desperado off his balance a trifle; aa be recovered, Mallory struck him, and swept him on over against the- back of a seat At the same instant Mallory's right hand went like lightning tp the trigger guard, and gripped the fingers in a vise of steel, while be

drove the man’s elbow back against his side. Mallory’s left band meap_wb!.le,ilung ground his. enemy’s neck, and gave him a spinning fall that sent his left hand out for balance, it fell across the back of the seat, and Mallory pinioned It with elbow and kneo before It could escape. * All In the same crowded moment, his left knuckles Jolted the man’s chin in the air, and so' bewildered http that his muscles relaxed enough for Mallory’s right fingers to squirm their way to the trigger, and aim the gun at the other robber, and finally to get entire control of It. The thing had happened in such a flash that the second outlaw could hardly believe his eyes. Tbe shriek of the astounded passengers, and the grunt of Mallory’s prisoner, as he crashed backward, woke him to the need for action. JHe caught his Other gun from Its holster, and made for a double volley, but there was nothing to aim at. Mallory was crouched In the seat, and almost perfectly covered by a human shield. Still, from fofce of habit and foolhardy pluck, Bill aimed at Mallory’s right eyebrow, just abaft Jake’s right ear, and shouted his old motto: “Hands up! you!’’ "Hands up yourself!” answered Mallory, and his victim, shuddering at the fierce look in his comrade’s eyes, gasped: “For God’s sake, don’t shoot, Bill!” Even then the fellow stood his .ground, and debated the Issue, Hill Mallory threw such ringing determination Into one last: "Hands up, or by God, I’ll fire!” that he caved in, lifted his fingers from the triggers, turned the guns up, and slowly raised both hands above his head. A profound “Ah!” of relief soughed through the car, and Mallory, still keeping his eye on Bill, got down cautiously from the seat. The moment he released Jake’s left hand, It darted to the holster whsre his second gun was waiting. But before he could clutch the butt of It, Mallory jabbed the muzzle of his own revolver In the man’s back, and growled: “Put ’em up!” And the robber’s left hand Joined the right In air, while Mallory’s left hand lifted the revolver. Mallory stood for a moment, breathing hard and a little incredulous at his own swift, sweet triumph. Then he made an effort to speak as If this sort of thing were quite common with him, as If he overpowered a pair of outlaws every morning before breakfast, but his voice cracked as he said, In a drawing-room tone: “Dr. Temple, would you mind relieving that man of those guns?” Dr. Temple was so set up by this distinction that he answered: “Not by a —” "Walter!" Mrs. Temple checked him, before he could utter the beautiful word, and Dr. Temple looked at her plmost reproachfully, as he sighed: “Golly, I should like to swear just once more.” Then he reached up and disarmed the man who had taken his wallet aad his wife’s keepsakes. Aiqerlcan children breathe in this desperado romance with their earliest traditions, and Dr. Temple felt all his boyhood zest surge back with a boy’s tremendous rapture In a deed of der-ring-do. And now nothing could check his swagger, as he said to Mallory: “What shall we do with these dam-ned sinners?” He felt like apologizing for the clerical relapse Into a pulpitism, but Mallory answered briskly: “We’d better take them Into the smoking room. They scare the ladles. But first, will the conductor take those bags and distribute the contents to their rightful owners?” The conductor was proud to act as lieutenant to this lieutenant, and he quickly relieved the robbers of their loot-kits. Mallory smiled. “Don’t give anybody my things,” and then he Jabbed his robber with one of the revolvers, and commanded: “Forward, march!” The little triumphal procession moved off, with Bill In the lead, followed by Dr. Temple, looking like a whole field battery, followed by Jake, followed by Mallory, followed by the porter and as many of the other passengers as could crowd into the smoking room. , The rest went after those opulent feed-bags.

CHAPTER XLI. Cl Ickety-C I i ckety-C I Ickety. Marjorie, as the supposed wife of the rescuing angel, was permitted first search, and the first thing she hunted for was a certain gold bracelet that was none of hers. She found it and seized It with a prayer of thanks, and concealed It among her own things. Mrs. Temple gave her a guilty start, by speaking across a barrier: “Mrs. Mallory, your husband is the bravest man on earth." “Oh, I know he Is,” Marjorie beamed, and added with a spasm of conscience: “but he isn’t my husband!” Mrs. Temple gasped In horror, but Marjorie dragged her- close, and poured out the whole story, while the other passengers recovered their properties with as much Joy as if they were all new gifts found on a bush. Meanwhile, under Mallory's guidance, the porter fastened the outlaws together back to back with the straps of their own feed-bags. The porter was rejoicing that his harvest of tips was not blighted after all. Mallory completed his bliss, by giving him Dr. Temple’s brace of guns, and establishing him as jailer, with a warning: "Now, porter, don’t take your eye off ’em." "Lordy, I won’t bat an eyelid.” “If either of these lads coughs, pat a hole through both of 'em."

The porter chuckled: "My fingers If just a-itcbin’ fer them lovin’ triggers.” Mallory pocketed two QJLtfc.fi, tured revolvers, lest a need might arise suddenly again. As he hurried down the aisle, he was received with cheers. The passengers gave him an ovation/ but he only smiled timidly, and made haste to Marjorie’s side. She regarded him with such idolatry that he almost regretted his deed. But this mood soon passed in her excitement, and' in a moment she was surreptitiously showing him the bracelet. He became an accessory after the fact, and shared her guilt, forwhen she groaned with a sudden droop: “She’ll get it back!” he grimly answered, “Oh, no she won’t!” hoisted the window/ and flung the bracelet Into a little pool by -the side pf the .track, wit ha farewell* trouble!” As he drew his head in, a side glance showed him that Up near theengine a third train-robber held the miserably weary train crew In line. He found the conductor Just about to pull the bellrope, to proceed. The conductor had forgotten all about the rest of the staff. Mallory took him aside, and told him the situation, then turned to Marjorie, said: “Excuse me a minute,” and biuried forward. The conductor followed Mallory through the train into the baggage coach. The first news the third outlaw had of the counter-revolution occurring in the sleeping car was a mysterious bullet that flicked the dust near his heel, and a sonorous shout of "Hands up!” As he whirled In amaze, he saw two revolvers aimed point blank at him "from behind a trunk. He hoisted his guns without parley, and the train crew trussed him pp in short order. Mallory ran back to Marjorie, and the conductor followed more slowly, reassuring the passengers In the other cars, and making pertain that the train was ready to move on its way. Mallory went straight to Dr. Temple, with a burning “You dear old fraud, Will you marry me?" Dr. Temple laughed and nodded. Marjories and Mrs. Temple had been telling him the story of the prolonged elopement, and he was eager to atone for his own deception, by putting an end to their misery. “Just wait one moment,” he said, and as a final proof of affection, he unbuttoned his collar and put it on backwards. Mrs. Temple brought out the discarded bib, and he donned It meekly. The transformation explained many a mystery thg old man had enmeshed himself in. Even at he made ready for the ceremony, the conductor appeared, looked him over, grinned, and reached for the bell-cord, with a cheerful: “All aboard!” Mallofy had a sort of superstitibus dread, not entirely 1 unfounded on experience, that if the train got under way again, It would run Into some new obstacle to his marriage. He turned to the conductor: “Say, old man, just hold the train till after my weddings won’t you?" It was not much to ask in return for his services, but the conductor was tired. of being second in command. He growled: “Not a minute. We’re ’way behind time.” “You might wait till I’m married,” Mallory pleaded. “Not on your lifer!” the conductor answered, and he pulled the bell-rope twice; In the distance, the whistle answered twice. Mallory’s temper flared again. He cried: “This train doesn’t go another step till I’m married!” He reached up and pulled the bell-rope once; In the distance the whistle sounded once. This was high treason, and the conductor advanced on him threateningly, as he seized the cord once more. “.You touch that rope again, and I’ll—” “Oh, no, you won’t,” said Mallory, as he whisked a revolver from his right pocket and jammed It into the conductor’s watch-pocket. The conductor came to attention. Then Mallory, standing with his right hand on military duty, put out his left hand, and gave the word: “Now, parson.” He smiled still more as he heard Kathleen’s voice wailing: “But I can’t flnd'my bracelet Where’s my bracelet?” % “Silence! Silence!* Dr. Temple commanded, and then: “Join hands, my children." ' Marjorie shifted Snoozteums to her left arm, put her right hand into Mailory’s, and Dr. Temple, standing between them, began to drone the ritual. When the old clergyman had done his work, the young husband-at-last graciously rescinded military law, recalled the artillery from the conductor’s very midst, and remembering Manila, Smiled: “You may fire when ready, conductor." The conductor's rage had cooled, and he slapped the bridegroom on the back with one hand, aq he pulled the cord with the other. The, train began to creak and tug and shift. The dingdong of the bell floated murmurously back as from a lofty steeple, and the cllckety-click, click-cllckety-cllck qujpkened and softened Into a pleasant gossip, as the speed grew, and the way was so smooth for the wheels that they seemed to be spinning on rails of velvet. THE END.