Evening Republican, Volume 16, Number 278, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 November 1912 — EXCUSE ME! [ARTICLE]

EXCUSE ME!

By Rupert Hughes

Novelized from the Comedy of the Same Name ILLUSTRATED From PMegraeks •* tka Flay as Prodnced By Heary W. Savage

Oonrxtcbt.uu, hy u-tnjrOo. i a BYNOPBIB. Lieut. Harry Mallory Is ordered to the Philippines. He and Marjorie Newton decide to elope, but wreck of taxicab prevents their seeing minister on the way to the train. Transcontinental train Is taking on passengers. Porter has a lively time with an Englishman and Ira Lathrop, a Yankee business man. The elopers have an exciting time getting to the train. “Little Jimmie" Wellington, bound tor Reno to get a divorce, boards train In maudlin condition. Later Mrs. Jimmie appears. She Is also bound for Reno with same object Likewise Mrs. Sammy Whitcomb. Latter blames Mrs. Jimmie for her marital troubles. Classmates of Mallory decorate bridal berth. Rev. and Mrs. Temple start on a vacation. They decide to cut loose and Temple removes'evidence of his calling. Marjorie decides to let Mallory proceed alone, but train starts while they are lost in farewell. Passengers Join Mallory’s classmates in giving couple wedding haring. Marjorie is distracted. Ira Lathrop, woman-hating bachelor, discovers an old sweetheart, Annie Gattle, a fellow passenger. Mallory vainly hunts for a preacher among the passengers. Mrs. Wellington hears Little Jimmie’s voice. Later she meets Mrs. Whitcomb. Mallory reports to Marjorie his failure to find a preacher. They* decide to pretend a quarrel and Mallory finds a vacant berth. Mrs. Jimmie discovers Wellington on the train. Mallory again makes an unsuccessful hunt for a preacher. Dr. Temple poses as a physician. Mrs. Temple is induced by Mrs. Wellington to smoke a cigar. Sight of preacher on a station platform raises Mallory’s hopes, but he takes another train. Missing hand baggage compels the couple to borrow from passengers. Jimmie gets a cinder In his eye and Mrs. Jimmie gives first aid. Coolness is then resumed.’ Still no clergyman. More borrowing. Dr. Temple puzzled by behavior of different couples. Marjorie’s Jealousy aroused by Mallory’s baseball Jargon. Marjorie suggests wrecking the train in hopes that accident will produce a preacher. Also tries to induce the conductor to hold the train so she can shop. Marjorie’s dog Is missing. Bhe pulls the cord, stopping the train. Conductor restores dog and lovers quarrel. Lathrop wires for a preacher to marrv him and Miss Gattle. Mallory tells Lathrop of his predicament and arranges to borrow the preacher. Kitty Lewellyn, former sweetheart of Mallory's, appears and arouses Marjorie’s Jealousy.

CHAPTER XXX. A Wedding on Wheels. The commotion of the matrimonymad women brought the men trooping in from the smoking room and there was much circumstance of decorating the scene with white satin ribbons, a trifle crumpled and dim of luster. Mrs. Whitcomb waved them at Mallory with a laugh: “Recognize these?” He nodded dismally. His own funeral baked meats were coldly furnishing forth a wedding breakfast for Ira Lathrop. Mrs. Wellington was moving about distributing kazoos and Mrs. Temple had an armload of old shoes, some of which had thumped Mallory on an occasion which seemed so ancient as to be almost prehistoric. Fosdick was howling to the porter to get some rice, quick! “How many portions does you approximate?” “All you've got.” "Boiled or fried?” “Any old way.” The porter ran forward to the dining-car lor the ammunition. Mrs. Temple whispered to her husband: “Too bad you’re not officiating, Walter.” But he cautioned silence: “Hush! I’m on my vacation.” The train was already coming into Ogden. Noises were multiplying and from the increase of passing objects, the speed seemed to be taking on a spurt The bell was clamoring like a wedding chime in a steeple. Mrs. Wellington was on a chair fastening a ribbon round one of the lamps, and Mrs. Whitcomb was on another chair braiding the bell rope with withered orange branches, when Ashton, with kazoo all ready, called out: “What tune shall we play?” ”1 prefer the Mendelssohn Wedding March,” said Mrs. Whitcomb, but Mrs. Wellington glared across at her. ‘Tve always used the Lohengrin.” * "We’ll play ’em both,” said Dr. Temple, to make peace. Mrs. Fosdick murmured to her spouse: “The old Justice of the Peace didn’t give us any music at all,” and received in reward one of his most luscious-eyed looks, and a whisper: "But he gave us each other.” “Now and then,” she pouted. "But where are the bride and . groom?” “Here they come —all ready,” cried Ashton, and he beat time while some of the guests kazooed at Mendelssohn’s and some Wagner's bridal melodies, and others just made a noise. ira Lathrop and Anne Qattle, iookBg very sheepish, crowded through the narrow corridor and stood shamefacedly blushing like two school children about to sing a duet. The train jolted to A dead stop. The conductor called into the car: “Ogden! All out for Ogden!” and everybody .stood watching and waiting. Ira, seeing Mallory, edged close and whispered: "Stand by to catch the minister on the rebound.” But Mallory tamed away. What

use had he now for ministers? His plans were shattered ruins. The porter came flying in with two large bowls of rice, and shouting, “Here comes the ’possum—er—posson.” Seeing Marjorie, he said: “Shall I perambulate Mista Snoozleums?” She handed the porter her only friend and he hurried out, as a lean and professionally sad ascetic hurried In. He did not recognize hjs boyish enemy In the gray-haired, redfaced giant that greeted him, but be knew that voice and Its gloating Irony: “Hello, Charlie.” He had always found that when Ira grinned and was cordial, some trouble was in store for him. He wondered what rock Ira held behind his back no yr, but he forced an uheasy cordiality: “And is this you, Ira? Well, well! It is yeahs since last we met. And you’re just getting married. Is this the first time, Ira?” “First offense, Charlie." The levity shocked Selby, but a greater shock was in store, for when he Inquired: “And who Is the —er — happy—bride?” the triumphant Lathrop snickered: ”1 believe you used to know her. Anne Gattle.” "’"Y This was the rock behind Ira’s back, and Selby took it with a wince: “Not —my old —” ‘‘The same. Anne, you remember, Charlie.”

“Oh, yes,” said Anne, “How do you do, Charlie?” And she put out a shy hand, which he took with one still shyer. He was so unsettled that he stammered: “Well, well, I had always hoped to marry you, Anne, but not just this way.” Lathrop cut him short with a sharp: “Better get busy—before the train starts. And I’ll pay you in advance before you set oft the fireworks.” The flippancy pained Rev. Charles, hut he was resuscitated by one glance at the bill that Ira thrust Into his palm. If a man’s gratitude for his wife is measured by the size of the fee he hands the enabling parson, Ira was madly In love with Anne. Rev. Charles had a reminiscent suspicion that it was probably a counterfeit, but for once he • did Ira an injustice. The minister was in such a flutter from losing his boyhood love, and gaining so much money all at once and from performing the marriage on a train, that he made numerous errors in the ceremony, but nobody noticed them, and the spirit, if not the letter of the occasion, was there and the contract was doubtless legal enough. The ritual began with the pleasant murmur of the preacher’s voice, and the passengers crowded round- in a solemn calm, which was suddenly violated by a loud yelp of laughter from Wedgewood, who omitted guffaw after guffaw and bent double and opened out again, like an agitated umbrella. The wedding-guests turned on him visages of horror, and hissed silence at him. Ashton seized him, shook him, and muttered: “What the —what’s the matter with you?” The Englishman shook like a boy having a spasm of giggles at a funeral, and blurted out the explanation: “That story about the bridegroom— I just sa#v the point!” Ashton closed his jaw by brute force and watched over hip through the rest of the festivity.

CHAPTER XXXI. Foiled Yet Again. Mallory had fled from the scene at the first hum of the minister’s words. His fate was like alkali on his palate. For twelve hundred miles he had ransacked the world for a minister. When one dropped on the train like manna through the roof, even this miracle had to be checkmated by a perverse miracle that sent to the train an early infatuation, a silly affair that he himself called puppy-love. And now Marjorie would never marry him. He did not blame her. He blamed fate. He was in solitude in the smoking room. The place reeked with drifting tobacco smoke and the malodor of cigar stubs and cigarette ends. His plans were as useless and odious as cigarette ends. He dropped into a chair, his elbows on his knees apd his head in his hands —Napoleon on St. Helena. And then, suddenly he heard Marjorie’s voice. He turned and saw her hesitating in the doorway. He rose to welcome her, but the smile died on his lips at her chilly speech: -» “May I have a word with you, sir?” “Of course. The air’s rather thick In here,” be apologized. “Just wait!” she said, ominously, and stalked in like a young Zenobia. He put out an appealing hand: “Now, Marjorie, listen to reason. Of course I know you won’t marry me now." “Oh, you know that, do you?” she said, with a squared Jaw. “But, really, you ought to marry me—not merely because I love you—and you’re the only girl I ever—" He stopped short and she almost smiled as she taunted him: “Qo on—l dare you to say it.” He swallowed hard and waived the point: “Well, anyway, you ought to marry me —for your own sake.” Then she took his breath away by answering: “Oh, I’m going to marry you, never fear." * \ “you are,” he cried, with a rush of returning hope. “Oh, I knew you loved me.” She pushed his encircling arms aside: “1 don’t love you, and that’s why I’m going to marry you.” “But I don't understand.” "Of course not," she sneered, as If she were a thousand years old, “you’re only a man—and a very young man." "Tou’vs ceased to lore me,” he pre-

tested, “just because of a little affair I had before I met you?” Marjorie answered with world-old wisdom: "A woman can forgive a man anything except what he did before he met her.” He stared at her with masculine dismay at feminine logic: “If you can't forgive me, then why do you marry me?” “For revenge!” °ehe -cried. “You brought me on this train all this distance to introduce me to a girl you used to spoon with. And I don’t like her. She’s awful! ” “Yes, she is awful,” Mallory assented. “I don’t know how I ever—” “Oh, you admit it!” “No ” . “Well, I’m going to marry you—now—this minute —with that preacher, then I’m going to get-off at Reno and divorce you.” "Divorce me! Good Lord! On what grounds?” “On the grounds of Miss Kitty— Katty—Llewellington —or wnatever her name Is.” Mallory was groggy with punishment, and the vain effort to foresee her next blow. “But you can’t name a woman that way,” he pleaded, “for just being nice to me before I ever met you." “That’s the worst kind of unfaithfulness,” she reiterated. “You should have known that some day you would meet me. You should have saved your first love for me.”

“But last love is best,” Ilallory interposed, weakly. “Oh, no, it isn’t, and if it is, how do I know I’m to be your-last love? No, sir, when I’ve divorced you, you can go back to your first love and go round the world with her till you get dizzy.” “But I don’t want her for a wife," Mallory urged, “I want you.” “You’ll get me —but not for long. And one other thing, I want you to get that bracelet away from that creature. Do you promise?” “How can I get it-away?” “Take it away! Do you promise?" Mallory surrendered completely. Anything to get Marjorie safely Into his arms: “I promise anything, if you’ll really marry me.” “Oh, I'll marry you, sir, but not really.” And while he stared In helpless awe at the cynic and termagant that Jealousy had metamorphosed this timid, clinging creature into, they heard the conductor’s voice at the rear door of the car: “Hurry up—we’ve got to start.” They heard Lathrop’s protect: “Hold on there, conductor,” and fctelby’s plea: “Oh, I say, my good man, wait a moment, can’t you?” The conductor answered with the gruffness of a despot: “Not a minute. I’ve my orders to make up lost time. All aboard!” While the minister was tying the last loose ends of the matrimonial knot, Mallory and Marjorie were struggling through the crowd to get at him. Just as they were near, they were swept aside by the rush of the bride and groom, for the parson’s “1 pronounce you man and wife,” pronounced as he backed toward the door, was the signal for another wedding riot. Once more Ira and Anne were showered with rice. This time it was their own. Ira darted out Into the corridor, haling his brand-new wife by the wrist, and the wedding guests pursued them across the vestibule, through the next car, and on, and on. Nobody remained to notice what happened to the parson, j Having performed his function, he was without further Interest or use. But to Mallory and Marjorie he was vitally necessary. (TO BE CONTINUED.)