Evening Republican, Volume 16, Number 272, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 November 1912 — EXCUSE ME! [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

EXCUSE ME!

By Rupert

Novelized from the Comedy of the Sam Nemo ILLUSTRATED Cm Ptootopk* •* the Play » Produced By Beery W. Seva**

owrigw, I*ll, nr *». tL rtr 00. is SYNOPSIS. Lieut. Harry Mallory 1® .ordered to the Philippines. He and Marjorie Newton deckle to elope, but wreck of taxicab prevents their seeing minister on the way to the train. Transcontinental train is taking on passengers. Porter has a lively time with an Englishman and Ira Lathrep, a Yankee business man. The elopers have an exciting time getting to the train. "Little Jimmie” Wellington, bound far Reno to get a divorce, boards train in maudlin condition. Later Mrs. Jimmie appears. She is also bound for Reno with same object. Likewise Mrs. Sammy Whltoomb. Latter blames Mrs. Jimmie for her marital troubles. Classmates of Mallory decorate bridal berth. Rev. and Mrs. temple start on a vacation. They decide to out loose and Temple removes evidence of his calling. Marjorie decides to let Mallory proceed alone, but train starts while they are lost In farewell. Passengers Join Mallory's classmates In giving couple wedding haxing. Marjorie Is distracted. Ira Lathrop, woman-hating bachelor, discovers an old sweetheart, Annie Cattle, a fellow passenger. Mallory vainly hunts for a preacher among the passengers. Mrs. Wellington hears Little Jimmie's voice. Later she meets Mrs. Whitcomb. Mallory reports to Marjorie his failure to find a preacher. They decide to pretend a quarrel and Mallory finds a vacant berth. Mrs. Jimmie discovers Wellington on the train. Mallory again makes an unsuccessful hunt for a preacher. Dr. Temple poses as a physician. Mrs. Temple Is Induced by Mrs. Wellington to smoke a cigar. Sight of preacher on a station platform raises Mallory’s hopes, but he takes another train. Missing hand baggage compels the ooupls to borrow from passengers. Jimmie gets a cinder In his eye and Mrs. Jimmie gives first aid. Coolness is then resumed. Still no clergyman. More borrowing. Dr. Temple puzzled by behavior of different couples. Marjorie's jealousy aroused by Mallory’s baseball jargon. Marjorie suggests wrecking the train in hopes that accident will produce a preacher Also tries to Induce the conductor to bold the train so she can shop. CHAPTER XXVII, The Dog-on Dog Again. As the conductor left the Malloryb to their own devices, It rushed over hfoi anew what sacrilege had been attempted—a fool bride had asked him to stop the Trans-American of all trains!— to go shopping of all things! He stormed Into the smoking room to open the safety valve of his wrath, end found the porter Just coming out of the buffet cell with a tray, two hol-low-stemmed glasses and a bottle ■waddled In a napkin. “Say, Ellsworth, what In do you suppose that female back there wants ? —wants me to hold the TransAmerican while —” But the porter was In a flurry himself. He was about to serve champagne, and he cut the conductor short: «*Scuse me, boss, but they’s a lovin' couple In the stateroom forward that Is te a powerful hurry for this. 1 ■can't talk to you now. I’ll see you later.” And he swaggered off, leaving the door of the buffet open. The conductor paused to close It, glanced in, started, stared, glared, roared: “What’s this! Well, I’ll be —a dog smuggled in here! I’ll break that coma’s head. Come out of there, you miserable or’nary hound.” He seized the incredulous Snoozleums by the ■craft of his neck, growling, “It’s you lor the baggage car ahead,” and dashed out with his prey, Just as Mallory, now getting new bearings on Marjorie’s character, spoke across the rampart of his Napoleonlcally folded arms: “Well, you’re a nice one! —making violent iove to a conductor before my ■very eyes. A minute more and I •would have —” gho silenced him with a snap: ■•Don't you speak to me! I hate you! !I hate all men. The more I know men the more I like—” this reminded [her, and she asked anxiously: “Where ds Snoozleums?”

Mallory, impatient at the shift of subject, snapped back; Oh, I left him tn the buffet with the waiter. What I want to know Is how you dare to—” «fu It a colored waiter?" “Of course. But I’m not speaking iot—" "But suppose he should bite him?” “Oh, you can't hurt those nigger iwalters. I started to say—” “But I can’t bare Snoozleums bitdug colored people. It might not agree with him- Get him at once.” Mallory trembled with suppressed Mbs an overloaded boiler, but he «p pod growled: “Oh, Lord, all .rtgbt. ni get him when I’ve fln“Qo got Mm this minute. And bring 4H« poor darting back to bis mother." “His mother! Te gods!’’ cried Maljjory, wildly. Be turned away and <lashod Into tite men’s room with a furious: “Where’s that damned dog7'' He met the porter just returning. The porier smiled: "He’s right In Jieah, air," and opened the buffet door. v His eyes popped and his Jaw sagged: «Why, I leT him here Just a minute ugs.” ‘Ten left the window open, too," Mallory observed. “Well, I guess he’s The porter was panlo-atrlcken: "Oh, J*» terrible eorry, boss, I wouldn’t have lest dat dog for a fortune, if ■fcSSftsr-r .fcr 'A

you was to hit me with a axe I wouldn’t mind.” To his utter tefuddlement, Mallory grinned and winked at him, and murmured: “Ob« that’s all right. Don’t worry." And actually laid half a dollar in his palm. Leaving the black lids batting over the starting eyes, Mallory pulled his smile Into a long face and went back to Marjorie like an undertaker: “My love, prepare yourself for bad news.” Marjorie looked up, startled and apprehensive: “Snoozleums Is 111. He did bite the darkey.” “Worse than that —he —he —fell out of the window.” “When!” she shrieked, “in heaven’s name—when?” “He was there Just a minute ago, the waiter says.” Marjorie went Into instant hysterics, wringing her hands and sobbing: “Oh, my darling, my poor child —stop the train at once!” She began to pound Mallory’s shoulders and shake him frantically. He had never seen her this way either. He was getting his education in advance. He tried to calm her with inexpert words: “How can I stop the train? Now, dearie, he was a nice dog, but after all, he was only a dog.” She rounded on him like a panther: “Only a dog! He was worth a dozen like you. You find the conductor at once, command him to stop this train —and back up! I don’t care If he has to go back ten miles. Run, tell him at once. Now, you run!” Mallory stared at her as If she had gone mad, but he set out to run somewhere, anywhere. Marjorie paced up and down distractedly, tearing her hair and moaning, “Snoozleums, Snoozleums! My child. My poor child!” At length her wildly roving eyes noted the bell rope. She stared, pondered, nodded her head, clutched at It, could not reach It, Jumped for It several times In vain, then seized a chair, swung it into place, stood up in It, gripped the rope, and came down on It with all her weight, dropping to the floor and Jumping up and down In a frenzied dance. In the distance the engine could be heard faintly whistling, whistling for every pull. The engineer, far ahead, could not Imagine what unheard-of crisis could bring about such mad signals. The fireman yelled:

“I bet that crazy conductor Is attacked with an epilettlc lit.” But there was no disputing the command. The engine was reversed, the air brakes set, the sand run out and every effort made to pull the iron horse, as it were, back on its haunches. The grinding, squealing, Jolting, shook the train like an earthquake. The shrieking of the whistle froze the blood like a woman’s cry of “Murder!” in the night. The women among the passengers echoed the screams. The men turned pale and braced themselves for the shock of collision. Some of them were mumbling prayers. Dr. Temple and Jimmie Wellington, with one idea in their dissimilar souls, dashed from the smoking room go to their wives. Ashton and Wedgewood, with no one to care for but themselves, seized windows and tried to fight them open. At last they budged a sash and knelt down to thrust their heads out. “I don’t see a beastly thing ahead," said Wedgewood, “except the heads of other fools." “We’re slowing down though,” said Ashton, “she stops! We’re safe. Thank God!” And he collapsed into a chair. Wedgewood collapsed into another, gasping: “Whatevah safe from, I wondah?” The train-crew and various passengers descended and ran alongside the train asking questions. Panic gave way to mystery. Even Dr. Temple came back into the smoking room to finish a precious cigar he had been at work on. He was followed by Little Jimmie, who had not quite reached his wife when the stopping of the train put an end to his excuse for chivalry. He was regretfully mumbling: “It would have been such a good shansh to shave my life’s wife —1 mean my—l don’t know what I mean.” He sank into a chair and ordered a drink; then suddenly remembered his vow, and with great heroism, rescinded the order. Mallory, finding that the train was checked just before he reached the conductor, saw that official’s bewildered wrath at the stoppage and had a fearsome intuition that Marjorie had somehow done the deed. He hurried back to the observation room, where he found her charging up and down, still distraught He paused at a safe distance and said: - •The train has stopped, my dear. Somebody rang the bell.” “I guess somebody did!” Marjorie answered, with a proud toss of the head. “Where’s the conductor?” “He’s looking for the fellow that pulled the rope.” “You go tell him to back up—and slowly, too.” “No, thank you!” said Mallory. He was a brave young man, but he was not bearding the conductors of stopped expresses. Already the conductor’s voice was beard in the smoking room, where he appeared with the rush and roar of a Bashan bull. “Well!” he bellowed, “which one of you guys pulled that rope?” “It was nobody here, sir,” Dr. Temple meekly explained. The conductor transfixed him with a baleful glare: “I wouldn’t believe a gambler on oath. I bet you did it” “I assure you, sir,” Wedgewood liy terposed, “he didn't touoh it. 1 was beah.” The conductor waved him aside and charged into the observation room, followed by all the passengers in an awe-struck rabble. Here, too, the

conductor thundered: "Who palled that rope? Speak up somebody.” Mallory was about to sacrifice himself to save Marjorie, but she met the conductor’s black rage with the withering contempt of a young queen: “I pulled the old rope. Whom did you suppose?" The conductor almost dropped with apoplexy at finding himself with nobody to vent his Immense rage on, but this pink and white slip. “You!” he gulped, “well, what in— Say, in the name of —why, don’t you know It's a penitentiary offense to Btop a train this way?” Marjorie tossed her head a little higher, grew a little calmer: “What 0o I care? I want you to back up.” I The conductor was , reduced to a ’fret rag, a feeble echo: “Back up—the train up?” "Yes, back the train up,” Marjorie answered, resolutely, “and go slowly till I tell you to stop.” The conductor stared at her a moment, then whirled on Mallory: “Say, what in hell’s the matter with your wife?” • Mallory was'•savted from the problem of answering by Marjorie’s abrupt change from a young Tsarina rebuking a serf, to a terrified mother. She flung out imploring palms and with a gush of tears pleaded: “Won’t you please back up? My darling child fell off the train.” The conductor’s rage fell away in an instant. “Your child fell off the train!” he gasped. “Good Lord! How old was he?” With one hand he was groping for the bell cord to give the signal, with the otheh lhe opened the door to look ba<jk along the track. ‘*He was two years old,” Marjorie sobbed. “Oh, that’s too bad!” the conductor groaned. “What did he look like?” “He had a pink ribbon round hit neck.” “A pink ribbon —oh, the poor little fellow! the poor little fellow!” “And a long curly tall.” The conductor swung round with * yell: “A curly tail! —your son?” “My dog!” Marjorie roared back at him. The conductor’s voice cracked weakly as he shrieked: “Your dog! You stopped this train for a fool dog?” “He wasn’t a fool dog,” Marjorie retorted, facing him down, “he knows more than you do.” The conductor threw up his hands: “Well," don’t you women beat—” He studied Marjorie as if she were some curious freak of nature. Suddenly an Idea struck into his daze: “Say, what kind of a dog was It?—a measly little cheese-hound ?”

“He was a noble, beautiful soul with wonderful eyes and adorable ears.” *, The conductor was growing weaker and weaker: “Well, don’t worry. 1 got him. He’s in the baggage car.” Marjorie stared at him unbelievingly. The news seemed too gloriously beautiful to be true. “He isn’t dead — Snoozleums is not dead!” she cried, “he lives! He lives! You have saved him.” And once more she flung herself upon the conductor. He tried to bat her off like a gnat, and Mallory came to his rescue by dragging her away and shoving her into a chair. But she saw only the noble conductor: “Oh, you dear, good, kind angel. Get him at once.” “He stays in the baggage car,” the conductor answered, firmly and as he supposed, finally “But Snoozleums aoesn’t like baggage cars,”. Marjorie smiled. "He won’t ride in one.” “He’ll ride in this one or I’ll wring his neck.” “You fiend in human flesh!” Marjorie shrank away from him in horror, and he found courage to seize the bell rope and yank it viciously with a sardonlo: "Please, may I start this train?” The whistle tooted faintly. The bell began to hammer, the train to creak and writhe and click. The conductor pulled his cap down hard and started forward. Marjorie seized his sleeve: “Oh, I implore you, don’t consign that poor sweet child to the horrid baggage car. If you have a human heart in your breast, hear my prayer.” The conductor surrendered unconditionally: “Oh, Lord, all right, all right. I’ll lose my Job, but if you’ll keep quiet, I’ll bring him to you.” And he slunk out meekly, followed by the passengers, who were shaking their heads in wonderment at this most amazing feat of this most amazing bride. (TO BE CONTINUED.)