Evening Republican, Volume 16, Number 133, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 June 1912 — Page 3

GOOD JOKES

HAVEN'T WE IMPROVED?

Who was it that went about in the old days with a lantern looking for an honest man? ; V I don’t reinember his name, but he would need an arc light today.

A Broken Vow.

He rwore that he would still be glad. No matter what misfortune* cams. Alas, an umpire made him mad The next day at a baseball game.

Getting It All.

The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and, above an, something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him to eat He. staggered oat and wabbled to a restaurant “How about beefsteak?” he asked the waiter. "Is that nitrogenous?” The waiter didn’t know. “Are fried potatoes rich In carbon hydrates or not?” The waiter couldn’t say. “Well, I’ll fix It,” declared the poor man In despair. “Bring me a large plate of hash.”

A Pending Divorce.

"If you remember, Wombat was married just a year ago.” "I remember.” » “We ought to remember the anniversary in some way. Yes; jußt a year ago the wedding cards were out.” "Forget It The wedding cards are being shuffled for a new deal.”

A Telling Example.

“How well you are looking!” I am a vegetarian.” “That settles it. I 'shall never eat meat again. How long have you been one?” "I begin tomorrow.”—Meggendorfer _ Blatter.

No Excuse.

"I hear the convict who escaped left a note behind him to, the warden.” ~ - “Yes. He was a very polite convict The note said, ‘Please excuse the libarty I am taking.’ ”

His Only Fault.

“07 yesT Uudley is a harmless sort of fellow! The only thing about him Is that he has brain trouble.” “Nonsense! He hasn’t any brain at all.” c .. “I know; that’s the trouble.” —Catholic Standard and Times. *

No Use.

* “Are you going to send your son lack to college-?” ; •; “Well, since he’s such a failure at football, and rows like a born idiot, ft seems to me to be just a waste of money.”

A FISH STORY.

“Jonah mult hare been a highpriced lawyer, pa.” ■ ’■ "What makes you think so?” "The whale couldn’t retain him."

Wratny.

Though usually a cheerful wight, cuts almost unseemly^capcr^

Suited All 'Round.

"ke has a million dollar., I undertl>titlM thßt wm jn^rt|to

WHAT SHE SMELLED.

“John, have you wound the clock?" “Yes.” ' ' , : f;-v ~ “Are you sure the dining room wl» dows are locked?” *1 have attended to them." “I’m afraid the maid may not have' bolted the back door.” /. I -i, “I bolted it myjHslf.” “I think I smell gas. Won’t you please see If the stove is leaking?” “No use doing that.” “Yes there is. Tm sure I smell gas.” *No you don’t.” “I’m positive I do. Go and see if the maid hasn’t left one of the burners of the stove partly turned on.” : .K>; “I -tell you it’B no use. You don't smell gas.” “What la it then?” “It’s what I was thinking.”

The Doctor’s Little Joke.

Parson A., noted for his long winded sermons, met Dr. B. and inquired concerning the health of a mutual friend. "Well,” said the doctor, ‘Tm afraid he needs your help more than he does mine/* - .- ' .-r - „ “Poor fellow! ” exclaimed the parson, “Is 4t as bad as that?” “Yes; he is ' suffering from Insomnia.” ' *

A Pacemaker.

“You have taken your son into business with you?” “Yes,” replied Mr. Growcher. “But you seem to work harder than eeer.’V;: v “ “I have to. I have an ambition to know as much about the business as he thinks he does.”

Not Quite Clear.

“I can understand spreadeagle tactics, but here’s something I can’t ua* derstand.” “What’s that?” “Why should a congressman arguing for an appropriation to dredge a creek speak bitterly about the crowned heads of Europe?”

PROBABLY.

. First Kobo —I wonder what a palmist would aay if he examined my hgnd. Second Hobo—That your name was mud.

__Not Dead Yet Cheer up-. **y we. And Stay contented, You even now might be The “late lamented.”

Enjoying It.

“How could you send Jane, who is monotonous and uninteresting in the last degree, to read to that poor sick woman?” ' V “She is Just the reader for the sick woman. Ths~patient is suffering from insomnia.”

Relieved.

Edltoiv-There is a sameness about your poetry, I regret to say. Magazine Poet (hastily)—What? Editor—<A sameness. Magazine Poet—Oh! That’s better. I thought you said saneness!—Puck.

Gone to Waste.

‘‘England owns the Kohlnoor, the finest diamond in the world.” “Owns the finest diamond in the world, eh? That seems a shame when she doesn’t play haseball.”

Awkwardly Put.

He—The Smiths only Invited. me down to their place because I play a good game of golf. She (consolingly)—Oh, I*m sure yon must be mistaken!—World of Qolf.

Hard to Do.

“Blnghurst orders dinner in a restaurant with an inimitable flourish.” “That’s true. I saw him flourish a |IOO bill In a restaurant yesthrday. 1 couldn’t Imitate that to save my life.”

Harmonious Prophecy.

“She’a the right kind to read year hand.” ■ • ■» r •■: y" “Why?” “Because she’ll promise you a palmy future. 1 *

Lots of It

“They say a man*, wife often makes «■>. i»‘ wit, *tn t» able to put any nush in that man. “Just you wait until she g£ts a lawn-

Sulted.

-Al7right? Nswa- I

GOVERNOR FORBES of the Philippine Islands is in this country telling of the great work the United States is doing in the archipelago. Among the evidences of the results of civilization which he brought is the acoompanying photograph, it dhows a Bontoc Igorcfc, a member of ft savage head-hunting tribe, photographed when making application to Join the Philippine constabulary, and tbe same “savage” as a member of the constabulary one year later. - _ _ ' ...

BETRAYED BY PUMP

Two West Point Cadets Found Guilty by Contrivance. Btudents Accused by Commander of Having Partaken o£ Forbidden Refreshments, Make Denial and Are Sent to Hospital. West Point, N. Y.—Because they were found .guilty of following other alleged transgressions by a violation of one of the most stringent rules of the army, Charles Carroll Fltznugn, appointed from North Dakota, and Frederic Hurd Van Horn, from Connecticut, were dismissed from the Military Academy recently by General Thomas Barry, commandant of the post. An Innocent but efficient stomach pnmp used in the post hospital accomplished the downfall -of the cadets. Both cadets were members of the fourth class and obtained permission to leave their quarters on April 27 to witness a baseball game on the post athletic field. They discarded their cadet uniforms, and, dressed In natty civilian attire, escaped the watchful eyes of their superiors after the game and slipped away from the reservation. The late afternoon and part of the evening of that day Fltzhugh and Van Horn were alleged to have spent In the village of Highland Faliß. They were detected by one of the officers when they attempted,: under cover of darkness, to slip unobserved back to their quarters. One of the charges subsequently lodged against the cadets was that when absent from the post they had partiaken of Intoxicants. Both denied the charge. To tell an untruth is considered tn the army an unforgivable offense. General Barry learned of the cadets'

BOY SCOUTS SEEK LOST CAT

Westminster Branch of Organization Hunts Lost Animal With Brown Nose and Glossy Coat. /' London.—The knight errantry of the Boy Scoutß In their endeavor to perform one good action a day leads to curious quests. To help d family of cats and their disconsolate mistress has fallen to the lot of the Westminster branch. In a flat at No. 15 St Stephen’s Mansions, off the embankment, lived happily three cats—“ Mrs. John Rankin,” a Manx, the grandmother; “Nonie Ruskln,” the mother, and “Honey Ruskln,” a tabby of the third line of descent They were the idols of their mistress, Miss Phyllis Oedl. Tragedy touched their 11 via when Honey mysteriously disappeared from the home circle. She was last seen in St. John’s churchyard. Smith Square. Night after night Miss Cecil has explored the churchyard and the district calling for her lost cat The policeman In the district the workmen round about have joined in the search, while Mrs. John and Nenfe have refused food and prowl around seeking for the lost one. Six Boy Scouts, under the guidance of A R Pierce, the Westminster scoutmaster, offered help, and, equipped with electric torches mid calling the cat by name scoured the district but with no result Bach Boy Scout has made R a point of honor to continue the quest until Honey is found. “Honey Is distinguished from most cats," Miss Cedi said, “because she has a brown nose. She is half Persian, with beautiful brown eyes and « lovely glossy coat” /..►V .. - ‘ FT7 . . .. "C*, -.

PROGRESS IN THE PHILIPPINE ISLANDS

denial. He ordered both to the hospital. A report reached the office of the commandant soon after a vigorous application of the pump, that established to the satisfaction of General Barry that both bad partaken of tbe forbidden refreshments. The order of dismissal followed.

SORQERY REVIVED IN FRANCE

Two Women Discovered Practicing a ___ Medieval Form of Witchcraft by Sergeant. London. —An extraordinary story comes-from Calais. While a sergeant was on guard before the postern gate of the old citadel two black-veiled women glided slowly into view, and one of the visitors stretched herself out on the damp grass With arms extended In the form of # cross. The other with a small spade began hastily to dig a hole In the ground. In It she placed a packet wrapped in white linen, covered It as quickly as possible, Under the idea that he had witnessed the closing' scenes of an infanticide, the sergeant notified the authorities, and the packet was disinterred and taken to the police headquarters. At the same time a doctor was summoned, who at once began to unwrap the parcel. What was the astonishment of the investigators finally to discover, not the remains of a child, but merely a •pig's heart. —And-to what a condition! It was pierced through and through In every direction with no fewer than 113 pins, and was also traversed by a dagger. In fact the authorities were faced with a case of “envoutement," one of the- favorite forms of sorcery in the middle ages, which borrowed it from antiquity. It was then practiced very generally, together with the “black

Dr. Paul Portier Tells of Vast Grazing Lands Under Water —Food Values of Various Fishes. Paris. —The food resources .of the sea was recently the subject of an Interesting lecture at the Puls Institute Oceanographique. The lecturer, Ur. Paul Portier, stated that In the sea, as on the land, there exist tracts of vegetation which constitute the food of herbivorous animals, such as the seahorse or molluscs. These In their turn are devoured by the carnivora, Buch as sharks, micro-organisms, putrefaction finally reducing both animal and' vegetable organisms to their prime elements. Fish are most abundant on what Is known as the , continental - plateau, which extends to a distance of 60 to 100 kilometers from the coasts and where the sea has a maximum depth of 400 meters. On this plateau algae or seaweeds abound. At greater depths they become rarer, because the light necessary for their existence is absorbed or reflected by the water of theses. Marine mammals, such as the whale or the seal, are only exceptionally utilized as food by man. Porpoises, however, are occasionally sold in the Paris market. The food supplies of the sea are furnished by the fish, property so called, such as soles, turbote, mackerels, skates, herrings, sarJTbe nutritive value of flsh la extremely variable Taking * certain weight of bread to have » food value of 62, the same weight of sole would

Fine Pasturage in Ocean

mass,” the “reptile sacrament,” human sacrifice, and other superstitious relics of barbarism. - - The method was adopted as follows: Some hairs or articles of clothing of the person to be bewitched were procured, and an animal was chosen to represent this person, and was namto after him. The creature was first placed in contact with the victim’s belongings, and then slain with a magic dagger. Its heart was taken out and wrapped, if possible. In the person’sclothes, and during three days pins and nails were driven through it to an accompaniment of curses and maledictions. It was believed that all the tortures Inflicted on the dead animal heart would be endured by the living Individual. A much more common way, however, was to mold a wax image of the person to be bewitched and to dress’ it In the clothes be or she usually wore. Tbe waxen doll was then cursed and tortured In tbe hope that the person wpuld suffer the same.

AT MERCY OF BIG MADMAN

Pennsylvania Giant Uses Hla Wooden Leg and Teeth as Weapons Against Officer*. Berwick, Pa. —Big Joe, an Allen, considered the most powerful man In West Berwick, became violently insane, and, rushing from his home, spread terror in his path, taking to some open common and defying capture. it required the efforts of a number of men to capture him, and onceln the lock-up he battered the door with Us head so violently that it wan feared he would fracture his skull. He was hurried to the Danville hospital and almost overpowered the four officers who had him In charge, biting two of them and with his wooden leg almost knocked Chauffeur Creasy out of the machine. ~ West Berwick has had a mad dog epidemic and It is feared he was bitten by a mad dog.

have a food value of 17, the skate 23, the salmon 42 and the eel 73. The nutritive value of the salmon and the eel is due particularly to the large percentage of oil, which renders them also less easily digestible. Potted fish SJM- generally more nutritive than fresh fish, because they contain a smaller percentage of water, and fats are often added in the preserving proceed. On comparing the cost of flsh for equal nutritive values, taking bread as the unit of comparison, the following figures are obtained as • against the worth of bread: Herring, 4 francs, 50 cents; mackerel, 6 francs, 35 cents; sardine, 8 francs, 35 cents; eel, 11 francs; salmon, 27 francs; turbot 28 francs; sole, 75 francs, 35; cents. As regard molluscs, mussels* oysters. periwinkles, etc, these, says Dr. Paul Portier, have but a very small nutritive value, and the same holds good of the crustaces.

Canals Effect on Fish.

New York. —Scientists here will watch with great interest the effect of the intermixing of the flsh of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, which is expected to follow the opening of the Panama canaL Accurate Information on the-subject will be made available .through a faunal survey of the Isthmian waters just completed. 4 second survey will be made In from Jive to ten years to verify the prognostication. of a complete Intermixing of species on the two coasts.

TELEGRAPH OF SAVAGE

■ BENDB NEWS SWIFtLY OVER GREAT DISTANCES. - Natives of toe Sudan Use towns of Elephant Tusks, Tomtoms and Whistles Bssutos Employ Large Gourd Drums. V • v>v The principle of telegraphy would appear to ’ have been anticipated by the savage tribee of Africa in the heart of Africa. This barbaric system of communication, at once practical and effective, survives to this day and its value has been tested many times. French explorers seem to have been the first to bring this system to the knowledge of civilized people. By means of It sews important events in the Interior of the Sudan reaches all the trading ports on tbe coast to a very short time. The communication Is made by means of various instruments, the* most common ones being horns, tomtoms and whistles. Tbe horns are made of solid ivory, hollowed out ofelephants’ tusks. Tbe mouthpiece Is at the side. These trumpets are of various sizes, but the favorite ones are very long and give seven distinct notes, produced by plugging the mouthpiece with corks of different sizes. The ordinary tomtom Is a hoi* ow bit of wood, with a goatskin stretched over one end. The following instance Illustrates tbe manner in which this native telegraph is employed. The post commander at Stanley Phils was ©nee Informed by a native of a neighboring village that a provision train had been attacked two days before at a potot 180 miles further down the Congo. A week later tbe party arrived and confirmed the story In part. > , They had reached the scene of tbO alleged attack at the time reported, but the shots that the natives bad taken as indications of a conflict with robbers bad been fired at a herd of antelope. At a later period, when an officer of the French Congo came to grief in the rapids, the accident was reported tbe next morning at a village 186 miles difitftllt* Among the Bengala tribe a sort of xylophone Is used with four notes, by means of which the natives communicate over great distances In a kind of telegraphic language. } :j An American missionary working , among tbe Basutos discovered that the villages had means of conveying messages from one chief to another or of transmitting the intelligence of defeat or victory. The Basutos hollow out a large gourd and thoroughly dry 1L Theta kidskin, as hard and as thin as parchment, is stretched across the hollow at this gourd. When- beaten with a padded drum stick this gives forth a sound that can be distinctly heard at a distance of from five to eight mile*. In every village there is a class of men who are utilized as scouts. Among these there are always some trained to use the gourd drum. Tbe code Is what might be called an African Morse alphabet and is beaten on the drum In the open air. - The sound Is carried across toe valleys and glens to the next village, where it is Interpreted by another scout If the message Is for a distant village he repeats it on his drum and In this way It Is carried .from village to village, with very litUoloss of time until it reaches the person for j whom It Is Intended.

Bear With a Thirst

There are probably a number of men in Maine who remember the tame bear that used to live in Redington in days when lumbering was booming in that section. This bear was a 809 pounder, kind and docile, but the possessor of one had habit That was Ms penchant for intoxicating liquor. Now and then lumbermen would get the bear drunk, which was an exceedingly easy thing to do. Bruin preferred rum, but would drink whiskey If nothing better was at hand. In the morning after a night’s debauch he frequently had a typical “morning after thirst,” which he learned to quench by turning a faucet outside the main camp, when he would lap up the water very eagerly that ran front the tap. No efforts were made at reformation, although It is not stated that the animal filled a drunkard’s grave. As a matter of fact he lived at the camps for a number of years without harming a person, although some of the men seemed to antagonise him st times. —From the Maine Woods.

Need of Relaxation.

How shall our colleges assist Amercan youth to secure the art of relaxation and to obtain the ability to relieve the tension of the workaday world by beneficial and delightful relief from business strain? Such gifts will of tm sional mem, too, frequently reach midspecialties. When business is over, form habits. The rich rewards that