Evening Republican, Volume 16, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 February 1912 — Page 3

Gatheredn Smiles

HIS INNING. The waitress at the Llttlehat Inn smoothed her apron and turned, giggling, to her assistant. “There’s a regular ojd countryman Just come In,” she whispered. “He’s ordered a chowder first, the way they always da When It comes to dessert I'm going to have some fun. You listen." The old countryman was taking his last spoonful of chowder from bis tilted plate when he became aware that the waitress was hovering near him. He looked up, and she spoke In a clear, carrying tone. “We’ve got four kinds of pie," she said. “Which will yop have?” The shrewd old eyes twinkled up Into the pretty. Impertinent face. 'TU have a piece o’ the last," said the ol<J countryman, gravely.— Youth’s Companion.

A Fair Offer.

She was strong minded and meant to have her rights at any cost, and when she was hauled \ip before the Justice of the peace for exceeding the speed limit she demanded to be represented by counesl. *T Just tell you one thing. Judge,” she said, whacking 'the table with her right hand, “I’d rather j&y a law T yer $25 than give this court $lO for a fine." “All right, madam,” said the Judge, *Tm th' only lawyer hereabouts, and if ye’ll Just hand over that $25, I’ll guarantee to appear before myself and get ye off.’’—Harper’s Weekly.

Subtle Flattery.

“Dibbles is what I would call a diplomatic man." "In what particular?” "Mrs. Dibbles asked him to make out a list of ten of the world’s greatest women, and whom do you think he put at the head of the list?” “1 can’t Imagine." "Mrs. Dibbles 1” I-

Praise or Condemnation.

Author (cheerfully) Couldn’t t take my call now? They're shooting "Author." \ Manager (doubtfully)—lf you like. But I’m not quite sure whether It’s “author” they’re shouting or "awful/ I—Bystander. 1 —Bystander.

A DIFFERENCE.

The Preacher—Why don’t you put more stock In honesty? The Millionaire —Can’t. All my money Is tied up in railroad stocks.

Mystified.

.A balky mule is bad enough When harnessed to a rig. But the hardest thing on earth to drive Is a bottle-fed blind pig.

Incoherent

"Jobblns got rather mixed in . hie talk when he waß telling me how meanly his so-called fried treated him.” "What did he say?’ "He said he got a raw deal when they cooked up that scheme.”

A Vigorous Performer.

/ "Does your boy Josb play on tbe football team?” "No," replied Farmer CorntasseL “John wouldn’t stand fur no mollycoddle job like that He’s the feller that leads tbe mob and wrecks opry houses after the game is over.”

A Family Dialogue.

She (In dispute over some figures)— I tell you I’m right. He —And I tell you you’re wrong. She —Didn’t I got to school, stupid? He —Yes, and you left it stupid.

Feminine Taste.

“What’s the meaning of this, elaborate collection of charlotte russe, fudge and sweet pickles?” “Ob, I am advertising a business woman’s lunch.”

Close Enough.

Amateur Nimrod. —Can you show me any bear tracks? Native. —I kin\show you a bear. Amateur NUnrod.—Thanks awfully, old chap. Tracks will suffice. .

Something Better Needed.

King Arthur had just Invented the round table. * " ... “Tine," we cried, “but can you Invent one where nobody gets the chicken neck?”

The Mightier One.

“Pop, what* Is /he female of the spedesf” • “It’s the lady on the silver dollar, my SOB H

THAT IMPUDENT QUESTION.

Just as Rivers was,about to sit down to dinner there came a ring at his telephone. , "Well?” he said, placing the receiver to his ear. “Who 1? this?” demanded a high pitched, impatient voloe. "This,” pjeasantly answered Rivers, “Is Don Hippolito Lopez Pomposo Antonio Ricardo Doloroso. Is that all you wish to know? Good-by." Hanging up the receiver, he sat down and ate his dinner, happily unaware that an indignant person at the other end’of the wire was storlnIng at central for giving bhn the wrong number.

THINKS IT A BLUFF.

Mickey—Say, Chimmie, it’s wrong tei 111-treat a woman, but if me goil ever says to me wot some goils says ter dere fellers I know I’ll lose me temper, dhimmle—Wat’s dat? Mickey—Why, when I proposes to her an’ she says dia is so sudden. ~

Considerate.

Though humble are his labors. He’s fit to sit with kings. Because he loves his neighbors. He never, never sings.

Clearly Unfitted.

“Your son Isn’t with you In the real estate business any more. Is be?” “No, I advised him to get out' of it He never was intended by nature for the real estate business. I sent him out to show a place to a man the other day and he let the fellow get away without buying, merely because It wasn’t the kind of place bp wanted.”

Craving for Variety.

The servant girl who had been given an alcernoon off to attend a matinee, returned unusually early. “Why," said her mistress, “you can’t have waited to see the whole performance,?’’ “No, ma’am,” was the reply; “It said on the program that Act IR was the same as Act 1., and I dont want to see it again."—London Opinion.

Whan She Was Bo’n.

Lawyer (examining middle-aged negro woman as a witness —Madam, ddl I understand you to say your daughter was born ir. wedlock? Witness —No. sah; I nevah said she was v bo’n in -wedlock; I said: - she was bo’n in Hahudsbu'g, Kaintecky.— Judge.

Provoking.

Clara —While I was playing whist with Mrs. Singleton last evening, she asked me what was the trump at least six times. Maude —Weren’t you provoked? Clara —I should say so! As if I knew!—Puck.

CALLED HIM.

Her Father—But can you support my daughter? Her Suitor —I have expectations, sir. Her Father —See here, young man. I am opt nearly as rich as people say I am. - :j,

Publicity Seekers.

Live* of great men now remind ua Good advice they understand: All, in ways that can not blind ns. Advertise to beat the band.

Size No Object

Mistress—l should prefer a maid who baa been In a big house. Maid— Weil. 1 shall suit madams, then. | have been in a house of seven stories.—Pele Mel a -

Literal.

“Do 1 take this train,to New York?" "No, air; the engineer will attend, to that”

DINKELSPIEL’S DICTATORIAL^

Uneasy looks dor faoe dot Team ft frown. Der only trouble should a human crank Is dot lt csumbt'be turaed. ~ Tot ac*lot of motive power is Tasted by der peoples dot chdlly udder peoples along. Der man dot is alvays building castles in der air is der architect of his own hunger. Ven ve vant to play on der sympathy of our friends ve sometimes find dem ouid of tune. Some mens vas trying to*be selfmade, but day nefer get finished mit digging der cellar. < __ -*«, An empty-headed man mit a fullheaded’bank account is yon of Fortune’s practical chokes. Mebbe it ain’t such, but sometimes I t’ink a prude vas a female voman dot vlshes somebody vlll say someding to make her blush her face. All laughs doan’d listen alike in dis country. Der laugh vich you see at der marriaglng altar sounds different from der laugh vich you vlll notice In der diforce Court. Und I set to Spiegel: “Posterity is a dot of peoples vich vill forget all abouid you before dey vas born, alretty!” Und Spiegel set, "Sure!” —D. Dinkelspiel, per George V. Hobart, in Chicago American. ' '

TO MAKE ’EM FRIENDS

Ask the chef about his new sauce. Ask the gambler about his “system.” Ask the doctor if his germicide Is perfected. Ask the garage man about his perfect motor. Ask the reformer about his new social system. Ask the actor when he is to appear in his own play. Ask the newspaper man when his book is coming out. Ask the barber if he is doing well with hlB hair tonic. Ask the machinist if he has his invention patented yet. Ask the fhemist if he has not discovered the origin of matter. Ask the lawyer when his publishers will issue his book on contracts. Ask the lover abbot his sweetheart. —Puck.

PICNIC ETIQUETTE

Endeavor not to laugh when you are drinking. Tea stains are not easily removed. M&ke as little noise as possible while eating. It is inconsiderate to drown the conversation. Never say, “What’s this?" when you know perfectly well what it is. 11 you don’t like it, give it to the cows. Jam Should never be spread with the fingers. It makes a bad impression when you shake hands'with any one. Never speak when your mouth is full. Arguments punctuated with bread crumbs are not always convincing. ’Do not unbutton your waistcoat when half-way through the meal, itis best to let out the strap before you sit down. —■ ' ; Drinking from the saucer is not only a mark of 111-breeding, but also an indication of great thirst, an early morning malady best concealed. Avoid looking intently at your neighbor’s plate. He has to eat what’s on it, not you.—Scottish Typographical Journal.

UNCLE OBADIAH SAYS.

A stage-struck girl is a problem, but a stage-struck boy is a worse riddle than squaring the circle. Charity begins at home, but she gets the best results when the list of contributions is printed In the papers. - r-'-What can the preacher think of the woman who apologizes for the blscuits when they are the best than can be made? Opportunity la mighty particular about the looks of the door where she knocks. She seldom whacks one that la loose on the hinges. •*- ■--=* If you haven't any better reason for doing something than that everybody else does it, it is a sign that you are not doing your own thinking. We are nine-tenths bluff. Look how we fuss to be ready for visitors, and hoif the visitors' fuss to be ready for the visit —Armour’s Farmer's 11 manac. • ’ " -

HYMNS THEY LIKE BEST

"Abide with me”—the jailer. “Press on, press on”—The tailor. - “Fight tbegood fight”—The pugilist. "Sow in the morn thy seed" —The farmer. “Heirs of unending life”—The coiffeur. “My feet shall never slide”— I The roofer. “How firm a foundation”—The stone mason. “A glorious day is dawping”—The optimist. “Oft in danger, oft in woe”—The chauffeur. . "A charge, to keep I have” —The bookkeeper. - fg "Partners of a glorious hope”—The reformers. "Oh for a faith that will not shrink” , —The dyer. "Happy the man who knows”—The school teacher. “We walk by faith of joys to come” The Democrat "Ten thousand times ten thousand” —The promoter. “Why search the future and the past?”—The idler. “The morning light is breaking”— The night watchman. “How sweet, how heavenly is the night.”—The optician. “Art thou weary? Art thou languid?’'’—The physician. “Now sweeping down the years untold” —The chambermaid.—Compiled by Warwick James Price.

HOW TO BECOME A CYNIC.

Never refuse to make a loan. ; ~ Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings by saying "No.” - ' ' __ # Don’t ask for a raise in salary; just wait for it. Write a short story and send it to the magazines. Trust everybody and obey the Golden Rule implicitly. ' < If someone bumps into you on Broadway or In the Subway stop and apologize Give up your seat in a street car to a “lady” and learn from her silence or otherwise that she isn’t ohe. Hunt for chances to do outside errands for your bosses. They will show their appreciation by giving you more, of them to do. Give your rival in love a chance to be alone with your girl once in a while. Then spend two weeks’ pay on a wedding present for them. _ _ Z". .v. •"/ .. : And, if you are not a Cynic when you-- get through doing these things there is no hope for you—you are just a lovable old fool. —Puck.

SAYS THE OWL

If you want to treat a man like a lord lend him money. Marriage Is a tie, especially for the man who is roped in. Many a man’s vocabulary Is largely made up of Its and buts. Many a fellow takes advice that he doesn’t know what to do with. The self-made man has a profound contempt for the tailor-made one. Lots of people stretch the truth in their efforts to make both ends meet ■ « » Misery loves company, but it is gem erally a case of unrequited affection. The suburbanite’s idea of heaven is a place where we won’t, need any cooks. - • Fortunate is the man who succeeds in penetrating the disguise of hi* blessings. The mitn who makes a practice oi fighting for his rights generally has a chip on his shoulder.

ANVIL SPARKS

Even the’smallest fault is a fault just the same. He that hath loßt bis faith hath Jitr tie else to lose. You cannot share your joy too much, nor your grief too little. Don’t write down your grievances; the sooner they are forgotten the happier you will be. Wien Ybn make a blunder, step ahead of it; and thus you will mak< ■t occasion for advancement— Ch .# in Herald. / :

TALES of COTHAM AND OTHER CITIES

“Cat’s Soul” Is Involved in Big Suit

NEW YORK. —As if a page had been torn from the old Knickerbocker “blue book” and its personages summoned to court, was the remarkable assemblage before Surrogate Fowler when the contest to set aside the will of Maria'L. Campbell, who left a $2,000,000 estate to four favorite cousins, was continued. In the forty or more men and women of aristocratic ancestry Who seek to break the octogenarian spinster’s will there were stately Van Rensselaers, proud Livingstons, Crosbys; Campbells, richly gowned; Townsends, with lorgnettes *and splendid furs; Scudders and Berrys and others who go to make up “old New York.” Many of the women, worn by age, gOßslpped and greeted others they had not met for years. A woman who believed that a cat had a soul, and who believed that the.

Dances Planned for City Buildings

BOSTON. —Public dances In municipal buildings, with proper restrictions and chaperonage, is the suggestion advanced by Miss Alice P. Vanston of the Social Service House, as a remedy for the conditions in the dance halls. “I want to say first of all” Miss Vanston replied, when asked her opln. ion on the dance problem, “that there should be some place where the girls and boys can dance. It may be that the chief injury done by the public dance halls comes from the fact that very young children are admitted to them. “Boys and girls get their first and only idea of dancing from what they see in these h&lls. The remedy fdr this has been suggested in the raising of the age limit from seventeen to twenty-one years. This would cut out from the enjoyment of a very Innocent recreation a very large number of young people. The enforcement of proper conditions dhd careful supervision would be better, it seems to me, than this discipline by ellminar tion. - “When a girl is shut up in a factory all day she must have some other exercise, and dancing gives her a good general exercise, which she can enjoy with music and among her equals. “Every neighborhood should have a building where the men who pay taxes and their wives and children

Many Jobless Actors Besiege Chicago

CHICAGO. —Fifteen hundred “professionals” leading men and women, chorus girls and men, “leads,” “heavies,” vaudevillians, representing every type of actor and actress—are now resting on Chicago’s Rialto. Within three weeks about forty companies have folded tents in . nearby towns and the members have hurried to Clark and Randolph streets looking for “openings” and discussing the most disastrous year in theatricals in a decade. Local theatrical agencies are crowded daily. Managers declare there are more theatrical men and women seeking employment in Chicago now than in years—even Including the summertime, when “resting” is usually a habit. “Company after company has returned to Chicago within the last week,” said Harry Armstrong, a book-

Girl Clad as Man Taken as Robber

NYACK, N. Y.—Still garbed in the suit of boy’s clothing she wore when captured, Miss Estelle McElroy, eighteen years old, was locked up in the Hillbum Jail. The girl was arrested in the search for the leader of a band for whom the police have been looking for months. A charge of attempted burglary Is made against her. The prisoner was a Sunday school pupil, active in church work and a member of the Temperance Union at Hillburn. Bar months thp police of villages In Rockland county have been looking for a band of burglars who robbed' factories, private houses and postoffices. The spbberiee were evidently the work of Skilled thieves, but not once was any clue left on which the detectives cduld start their Work. Hillburn, Nyack and Suffern were visited and once the. robbers stole several thousand worth of goods from a store at New City, within a stone's throw qf the county Jsil. As a result of the many burglaries

soul of her long dead sister Katherine was "still upstairs,” was not in her proper mind, the aristocratic contestants hold, to make a will. Mrs. Killaen Van Rensselaer, her son Stephen and William B. Blackwell, interested parties to the contest, have testified to acts of irrationality or Intimated that their relative was not of sound mind. Blackwell told of calling on Howard Townsend, Miss Campbell's man of business, and telling him the relatives Intended to contest, as they knew Miss Campbell was of unsound mind, and in reply Mr. Townsend had remarked: "I shall consider any contest as a reflection upon me personally.” It developed that Mrs. Campbell, sister-in-law of Miss Campbell, had found many past due dividend checks and coupons in the rooms of the testatrix. The entire amount so found footed up nearly $136,000, and some of the checks were three or four years old. It also developed that on December 14, 1905, a check for SIOO,OOO, and again, on November 19. 1906, ft check for $250,000 had been given by Miss Campbell to her brother.

may enjoy the things that are perfectly legitimate and healthful, under municipal direction. It Is not paternalism. It is just ordinary common decency. “The girls would be glad to go to good places If there were such. They enjoy Intensely the dances arranged by the various social settlements. Those places are always overcrowded, and are always crying for more room. “Why may not the public school buildings be used for the public? in most of them there are excellent halls, which would make most desirable dance halls. People are willing to* trust their daughters in a public school. building. Behind such buildings stands the honor of the city; nothing harmful could be allowed: there, and to the Immigrants the honor of the American city means everything that is fine and beautiful and helpful. “If there were properly supervised municipal dance halls there would be a decided gain in the mental, moral and physical equipment of the boys and girls.

ing agent “There are 200 applicants for every place I can offer.” “At least a thousand actors and actresses are looking for work here now,” was the statement from the Rowland ft Clifford offices, which closed three companies recently. "Usually when the new year comes around there are a large number of companies going out but this year it is 'an coming in and nothing going out’ ” "There are hundreds of chorus girls here now looking for places where usuaUy it is hard to find any at this time of year,” said Harry Askfn, manager of the LaSalle opera house. “SmaU dramatic and musical companies have bad a hard season,” said A. Milo Bennett a veteran Chicago booking agent. “Managers are complaining that they cannot get enough shows, and the owners of the com panles are ijaying they cannot get audiences.” Many companies are returning daily from neighboring states. Some of actors are being placed in southern stock companies, but hundreds, and maybe thousands, will be without work for some time to come.

the villages have doubled their police forces, but such vigilance proved In vain. Houses and factories that were passed hourly were robbed by the thieves and no cine left Just Wore daylight the other day Constables Slavin and Sibley, of Hillburn, arrested the girl and Fred Monroe in the Hillburn Bronze Metal Works, which they were preparing to rob, it is alleged. The McElroy girl had her hair tightly braided and the braid* tjom cealed under a cap. When the grt formation firm her regarding the other robberies in Rockland countyproved futiltj..