Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 265, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 November 1911 — Page 3

Good Jokes

Laughed Too Soon.

•Young Riehleigh’s father allowed Jblm to take a trip to Europe this Hummer Before starting the youth made * up a cabje code of his own for possible -use while abroad and handed a copy to his father, who locked it up in his desk without looking at it A month later the elder Richleigh received cable consisting of one word: “Laugh**. v y;',, V£He laughed. It seemed to be something quite pleasant His code was .at the house. He went np there in the best of humor. He got out the code and read: “Laugh—Send me $500."

Favorite Fiction.

“Warranted to Keep in Any Climate." “Passengers Will Please Keep Their Feet Off the Seats.” • “Mr. and Mrs. Leeder Are Qoing to Europe for the Summer.” “I’d Tip You. Waiter, if I Had Anything Less than a S2O Bill.” “Trips to the Holy Land." : “The Band Then Played ‘America.’ ” “Lamb Chops.”

A Natural Mistake.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or. do 1 behold a statesman approaching?" asked a visitor to Scrugginsville. “Your eyes deceive you, stranger," answered the village postmaster. “The man you see in a Prince Albert' coat is Silas Whittle, our leading furniture dealer and undertaker." ,

No Business Acumen.

“Dibble is one of the most unpractical fellows I ever saw." “You seem to be very positive*” "I am. Why, he wouldn’t have any better sense than to start a laundry in the heart of Bohemia.”

The Reason.

“A clockmaker must be deceiving his customers when he tells them a clock, of his wiU wear for a lifetime." “Why so?" “Because it is plain to be seen that its hours are numbered."

The Need.

“How do you think would be the best way to settle this trouble about Morocco?" ‘ “For somebody to get a good leathering.” •

SHORT CONVERSATION.

The Heroine—You’re a serpent The Villain—You’re a snake-charm-•r. t

Roses and Thorns.

When you embrace a damsel shy It seems a sin To get all lacerated by A pesky pin.

A Union Man.

Warden —The prisoner refuses ! to work unless he can practice hie own trade. Governor—That is but natural.. Put him to it What is his trade? Warden—He is an aviator, sir.

Natural Etymology.

“ ‘Chauffeur’ means ‘heat men,' doesn’t it? I bonder why they call them so?* "Probably because they aro generally scorching.”

Missed Opportunity.

, ‘‘What a pity Atlas never thought of organizing a trust in something!’* “Why?" - . “Because then he would not have . found it was such § hardship to hold up the world." . ■ •' • w

NOt In It.

Giles—Horse racing Is a peculiar thing, isn’t It? _ Miles —In what way? “Giles—Why, the majority of ; the horses in a race are not in it

The Dickens!

He (rejected)—Then you regard me merely as a summer lover, a convenient escort to excursions and picnlos? She—That's about the case, George, I have looked upon you as a lover In the plcknicken sense only.

Echoes of the Past.

Samson, having overcome the lion, was disposed tp do 6 little pardonable boasting. “I did it by main strength," he •aid; "I didn’t have to use the tpe hold on him."

Some Solace.

“I spent the summer on a farm.” “Anything that looked like a man •bout the place?" "Well, they had a scarecrow In one of the fields"

POOR WAY TO SAVE MONEY.

*Gt* Sfe a flve-cent piece of tobacco." said a man who entered a Manchester (N. H.) tobacco store the other day, throwing a nickel on die counter - - The proprietor cut the tobacco and banded it to the customer. The latter looked at it critically for a moment “Hhin’t It a little snSall?" asked the purchaser,... /. “Nope," - replied the storekeeper: “regular nickel siae." “I know a place down in Boston." remarked the customer, “where you kin git a-piece for five cents twice as big as that"* “Well,” observed the storekeeper, defiantly, "the round trip is only $2.50 Why don’t you go down to Boston and get your money’s worth?" *» 1 V

Library Gossip.

“But” objected the purists, "there Is no such thing aB a ‘mutual’ friend.” “I say there Is such a thing,” impatiently reiterated Dickens. “Pm writing a book about ope!”

WHAT CAUSED IT.

Horace —Miss Jolly gave me a cold look this morning. Helen—Mad at you? Horace—No; she was running her toifring car without the glass front and her face waß frosted.

That's Why.

“My lord” appeals To most of us. Because It’s so Altlsonous.

She Flew.

Miss Fullosoul (of a poetical turn) —Which are you of opinion one should say. professor—“summer files” or “summer flees?” v Absent-Minded Professor (great on entomology)—The two species, my dear young lady, are entirely distinct Now the common house fly— (Then he wondered why Bhe suddenly opened a conversation with the young man en her right).—Sphere.

In School Deestrict No. Sixteen.

“Rufe, what is the question to be discussed at the next meeting of your debating society?” “Well, sir, it’s one that appeals to every man with a drop of patriotio blood in his veins, by lucks! ‘Resolved, That William J. Burns is a greater detective than Sherlock Holmes.”’ *

Laudable Idea.

Doctor —You are now convalsecent and all you need is exercise. You should walk ten or twenty miles a day, sir, but your walking should have an object Patient—All right, doctor, I’ll travel around trying to borrow ,enough to pay your bill.

The Orphan.

“Have the Flitterbouts come back to town yet?” ’ . "JJo. Why do you ask?” "I was just wondering how much longer we will have to feed their cat”

DAYS AND NIGHTS.

Jim—The-title of this novel is very ambiguous. Jess—What's It called? Jim—“ The Knights of Other Days."

A Hard Bump.

I*4 hate to be an airman And here's the reason why: No nets are ‘neath an airman Who tumbles from the aky.

Plenty of Others. "Now, daughter, when you go to the beach I don’t want you to get engaged to Tom, Dick an 4 Harry. Do you propose to obey?” “I guess so, dad, there are plenty Of other names to choose tram *'

AT the Brooklyn navy yard recently there took place a ceremony unique in the annals of naval construction. This was the riveting of a horseshoe onto the first keel plate of the New York, that is to be the latest, largest and most powerful of the ships of the Dreadnaught class in the navy of this country. After the emblem of good luck was thus fastened in place, the keel plate, nominally with the assistance of the children, was lowered, to its assigned position on the frame of the ship and riveted there. The sturdy little chaps who participated in the ceremony were all the children of naval officers or attaches of the yard. The picture shows one of them taking his turn with the hammer and driving a rivet through its appointed hole in the horseshoe and the white keel plate beneath.

“BUYS” A BIG HOTEL

Man Pays Out $48,680 for Chicago Auditorium. George J. .Lawton, Tax Sale Bidder, Plans Test Case to Get Possession—Value of Hostelry Is Placed at $4,000,000. Chicago.—Who owns the Auditorium hotel? George J. Lawton. Who owns the Auditorium theater? George J. Lawton. Who. owns the Auditorium office building? George J. Lawton. Who is George J. Lawton? Mr. Lawton, briefly, la a gentleman who stays awake when other persons go to sleep. Owing to his careful cultivation for many years of this faculty, Mr. Lawton at a sheriff’s'sale the other day bought in the Auditorium hotel, office building and theater,, valued at about $4,000,00(1, i° r $48,680. This was $2,680 more than the tidy little taxes of $46,000, which the owners of the property had forgotten to pay. Under the usual translation of the Illinois law they can get back the property by paying Mr. Lawton a bonus of $2,500, but Mr. Lawton says quite frankly and emphatically that he is not anxious for the bonus. He would rather haye the building. “I am going to make a test case and see if I can get possession of this property," said Mr. Lawton. "I can get, a deed, and as soon as I get that I’UV going to try to get a title. If I can get that, I will begin .legal proceedings to oust the present owners. It will take two years to fight it out, but I think it’s worth trying." The figures of/ assessors figure the value of the property as follows: Value of land. *• $2,254,295 Value of improvements 1,690,000 * 1 ' ’ ' ' ' Total value $3,854,295 Whsn the owners of the property

“WANDERLUST” LATE IN LIFE

Man Wedded* Forty-Seven Years Develops Roving Disposition and Seeks Divorce From Wife.

Kansas City, Mo.—A roving disposition which did not develop until 47 years after be was married, but which then caused Dasld C. Rinehart to make three long, profitless Journeys from home, the last with the announcement that he never w4uld return, was the reason given the other day by Mrs. Ida Rinehart for bringing divorce proceedings in the Wyandotte county district court. The Rineharts were married Christmas day, 1863. They own several bouses in Kansas City, Kan., besides the one in which they lived, 1936 North Fifth street ( Mrs. Rinehart alleges that the "wanderlust” first seized her husband In April, 1910. when be went to Canada without saying good-by or telling where he was going. Three times, she says, be returned and said he would ”eettle down” again, but each time he broke the resolution. Last Fourth of July, she states, he called her on tbe telephone to go to the Union station. There, she declared, be bade her goodby and said be was going Into tbe far northwest and never would return. Sbe baa not heard from him since. He Is s carpenter and seldom had been* from home until a year ago. ■ ■ ■ >■■■ ■■ ii ■ ■■■■ ■ ■; 4

Find Rat With Plague.

Seattle. Wash.—Of 76,001} rati billed by the Beattie health department In the last fifteen months, only one wee Infected with bubonic plague. This ret was captured reoently down town.

CHILDREN LAY KEEL PLATE OF BING BATTLESHIP

failed to pay the taxes on May 1 the penalty of one per .cent, a month was added to the amount. Six weeks elapsed and County Treasurer O’Connell advertised the property .for sale. About the middle of July he obtained a judgment in the county court against owners of the property because thqy still neglected to pay the taxes and the penalty. The other morning the property was placed on sale at public auction. Thomas Gaham, one of Mr. O’Connell’s assistants, received the bids. Mr. Lawton, who is a professional “bidder-ln,” made the highest offer. He handed over a check for $48,680, and came into the possession of a frontage of 186 feet on Michigan avenue, 360 on Congress street and 160 on Wabash avenue. The original owners of the land, Mr. Lawton says, were the Studebakers of South Bend, Ind.; Ambrose Cramer of Lake Forest and the Peck estate of Chicago. A ninety-nine year lease was secured by the company which built the hotel, theater and office building. Failure of the owners of the building to pay the taxes, Mr. Lawton'says, means that they forfeit their lease and therefore he has obtained possession of all the property by paying the taxes.

Hen Vindicates Her Owner.

Athol, Mass. —Townspeople eluUlenge the statement of Albert EHsworth, a prominent citizen, that Mary Hooker, his prize buff Orpington, laid two eggs every day. Ellsworth appeared at the Athol fair and placed the hen on some straw at the of the judges. She laid two eggs, one of_ them double-yolked, chirped a triumphant cackle and disdainfully strode away. Hundreds of visitors to the fair applauded the Orpington vindication of her owner.

TO TEST EARS OF CHILDREN

Pennsylvania Health Officers Will Examine All Pupils Who Seek to ( Enter Public Schools. * > Harrisburg, Pa.—State Health Commissioner Dixon is preparing to make the medical of school''children authorized by the new school code. The Inspections will be made in 785 school districts, which means that 250,000 children will receive the direct benefits of this important work. The inspectors will also make, a thorough investigation of tl*e sanitary conditions existing at the schools. The medical inspector will be instructed to note the age and sex of .the pupil, the condition of sight, hearing, respiration, skin, teeth, cervical glands, contagioundlseases, pulmonary tuberculosis and deformities. Each eye will be tested separately, using Snellen’s chart at 20 feet The presence of blepharitis, conjunctivitis, iritis or trachoma or any affection of the cornea will be observed. Each ear will likewise be tested separately for accuracy of hearing by whispering also at 20 feet, the distance at which the whisper is heard being used all the numerator and the distance at which it should be heard given as the denominator of the fraction. Defective teeth and nasal breathing will be noted. , • “ If Indications of present or recent contagious disease are found, note will be made of the fact and the exclusion of the child and its brothers and sisters at once ordered. Under no circumstances will the medical inspector advise as to the selection of a physician or communicate with the family

LIGHTER HATS, MORE BRAINS

Smaller Headgear Increases Woman’s Mentality, Declares Dr. George W. Galvin of Boston. Boston. —That the undeniable lm4 provement in the mentality of the up-to-date woman is due to the decrease in weight of her stylish headgear Is the conclusion that Dr. George W. Galvin, founder of the Emergency hospital, has reached after scientific investigation. - “Many women wonder how It la that they find themselves able to do work which a few years ago they wouldn’t hajfe dreamed of attempting,” said Dr. Galvin. “Many are doing much more than the mere routine of housework. And should they desire to know the reason of this they need but think on the decrease In the size, and consequently in the weight, of their hats and they fiave the answer to their question. “I consider it a significant fact that most college girls wear no hats at all and only caps when the weather demands a. covering for the head.”

Many Germans Divorced.

Berlin. —Divorces in Germany are heavily on the Increase. The latest official statistics for the year 1909, just published, show that the average of 120,000 divorces a year for the five years preceding rose in 190)9 to 141,730. Marriages also continue to increase, however, the total for 1909 having been over 400,000. or at the rate of 80 persons to every 1,000 of the population.

Dog Swallows Hatpin.

St Louis.—Mrs. Pauline Nesslein has a dog with prize-winning digestive organs. Her Boston terrier Pudge survived carrying a ten-inch hatpin in his interior for ten days. A veterinary* then removed the offending fastener from the dog’s anatomy. Pudge is 20 inches long.

of a pupil personally with regard to the results of the examination, all reports to the family being made directly from the department * Upon receiving the -reports at the central bureau in Harrisburg the chief medical inspector and his will go over them very carefully and letters will be written to the parents of children In whom physical defects have been found, calling attention to these defects and suggesting that the child be taken to the family physician for a more detailed examination and treatment

New Eyelids by Grafting.

Kansas City, Mo. —The eyelids of Rev. Joseph Hpbe, pastor or a Catholic church near Bucyrus. Kas., which were burned off when a lamp exploded in bis bands, have been replaced by 1 new ones construeted or pieces or skin cut from the prlest’a arms and grafted 'on the stumps of the lids. Over the new lids he has almost complete muscular control. The operation was performed in a local hospital.

Geese Find Gold.

j Santa Barbara. Cal.—'Thirty gold nuggets, some as large as peas, were taken from the craws of six geese raised by Mrs. Israel Altschut When neighbors heard of the find a «m«u gold rush was started. They began working pans in the vicinity, in washing out’,the sand near the house they found several small nuggets. The gold probably was washed down from the mountains years agm

BEST OF ALL BARBERS

TO BE SHAVED BY AMERICAN NEGRO WAS A DELIGHT. Entertaining, Skilful and , Humorous* He Has Been Supplanted by the More Business-Like Modern Tonsorial Artist. ls ■ The tear of regret may glisten for a. moment In the Corner of the eye of ' some elderly man when he revisits in imagination the barber shop of ion# ago- That was in the day when .in the middle west popular prejudice held fast to the opinion that the negro was a natural barber, the Americans negro the best barber in the world. He knows more about family trees, than any college of heraldry—if there is such an Institution —could possibly* know and how long and interesting! he would talk of your folks’ folks in. Lexington, Ky.! “Let me rest yo’ hat, and yo’ coat, sah. Yes, sir, Judge G. was beah this! momln’ and Col. B. got out of the* cheer only a few minutes ago.” With, a sigh of anticipated comiortl you sank into the chair and ’stretched) out your legs. “Yes, sah, yo’ really do* need a shave, sah. - It’s a pleasure fo’ me to shave you. Yo’ beard ls just) as it should be. Now and then 1 get a| rough neck with squirrel whiskers* that upsets me fo’ a whole day.” Perhaps you may recall a story ini an old text book about a very differ-* ent kind, of a barber, that began after this fashion. “A prating barber who waited upon a certain king.VcamC one day to trim his hair and asked him: ‘Slrfe, bow will you have it done?* ‘Silently,’ saidi the king - .' It is not necessary to continue that' story, the Indianapolis News remarks., One may know at once that the barber of this churlish king was not a: negro. He was probably a mere tonsorial artist, wholly devoid of the delightful charm of entertaining that Is! possessed in so high a degree by the black knight of the razor:—one might* now, alas, call him the disinherited! knight, as so many have come In to* • crowd him from his place. Only one superfluous question would! he ask, and that was from long established habit. 'Does she pull, sah?” ! Yet be well knew that in his skillfull hand the keen blade was as light as* gossamer, for as he afterward admitted be had “bonpd and stropped her down finer’n a gnat’s heel.” How deftly he would spread the cool lather over the rough and razorable cheek) and chin! With what tender care ho avoided the wart that nestled on your upper lip, close to your nose, and* never say a word about this blemish: on a very handsome face! But yon did not get out of the chair In any Buch brief time as this tale has required in its telling. By nomeans. How he would dally about you, comb and shears In hand, clipping here and there an infinitesimal bit of hair which, in his critical judgment, spoilt the symmetry 'of his. work. And, at last, as though loath to let you go until his sense of the perfection of his work had been satis- - fled fn every artistic detail, he would* still detain you for a last lingering, regretful inspection, following you to * the door and watching your shadow tut it lengthened in the afternoon sun. What a genial humor he bad, wbat a knowledge of human nature, white and black? The newspaper, even then, was well enough in its way, but not to be compared as a news" teller to him who gave the gossip of the dear old town with a racy flavor and picturesque beauty, that proclaimed the master. The new barber has a liner shop and sometimes a foreign accent, ls more matter of fact and businesslike, but—candidly, you know he ls not—well, he’s not the'old barber. ■ ■■■ • ' ' • ' w

Germany and Heine.

Lord Haldane In his recent university address, “Great Britain and Germany: A Study in Ethnology/’ had words of reproach for Germany; concerning her treatment of Heine. He pointed out that Germanyt-in the end of the eighteenth and the beginning of the nineteenth century had her Elizabethan age, so far as literature and philosophy were concerned: How much poorer would the whole world be but for this period of German life. In which she for the time outstripped every other country! Yet even then she indulged in tendencies which needed correction, and if she had listened to Heinrich Heine they might have been corrected And the outlook enlarged. And now the revanche was in progress, much as Heine predicted, and. looking at the German railway bookstalls he could see that the spirit of Party vf&s advancing on Berlin. It need not have been so, and it should not have been so. and Heine told of a better way. Had bis counsel been listened to there would have been no Nietzsche period —so at least it seemed to a foreigner.

Suspicious Move.

“That woman views me with considerable suspicion.” ‘ “Why should she view you with suspicion. Mrs. Wopp?" “Well, you see. we have been living in the same apartment house for the last seven years and once in an unguarded moment I bowed to her;” .. ■ iSfiwß

Both Had to Gusts.

“Etheiinda writes a very peculiar hand." said Maude. “Yes,” replied Maymie. “It’s Just a lot of straight lines and angles. When you read It. you have to guess at thel spelling, the same as she does.” ?