Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 257, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 October 1911 — Page 2

gemi-Weekly, m idvance, Yssr. »!-»♦■ 'ca i -7'.rrgSSHgy l i:' l ;'' arc:Trr.7ras

Upsetting the Tabies.

Jones was sitting In the hotel lobby looking over the columns of a comic Weekly, when « stranger touched his Wa •Pardon me,*' he apologized, pointing to a four-line Joke. "Would you 'mind telliac me just what you think MX that?’’ Sizing him up for a man with his first Joke in print, Jones thought he •would have some fun. Concentrating *ll the disgust in his anatomy, he spread it over his physiognomy in a nauseous expression and replied: "No point that 1 can see." "Thanks," said the stranger, with a dangerous'smile of an old writer term* of his wit. “You know, 1 often wonder vhen 1 am writing such things how many of the readers will be able to grasp them."—New York Hedaid.

Post-Prandial.

Loculi us was participating in the wit at one of his famous dinners. "L’H make you a paiadox,” he said. ‘Hear—hear!" they cried. “Lucullus makes ns a paradox.’’ The host quieted" them with a lifted hand, and said: When 1 was a poor liver I had a 'fiend liver; but now that 1 am a good liver. 1 have a poor liver.” Tbry ill thought it over in silence a moment, and then fell to beating one . nother on the back in the~Roman fashion. —St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

The Intellectual Age.

The women of an Indiana town recently < rganly.*‘d n -lltcrsry club and for a white everything was lovely. "Alice ” asked the hut band of one of-the members, upon her return hopie from «>» of the meetings, ‘what wan the topic under discussion by the club tilj afterec :i. Alice couldn't remember at first. Finally, however, she exd limed: "Oh, yes, 1 re ollect. W« discussed the braien-lookin- woman (hat’s just moved i i across the street and Loagfe!low.” —Harpcr’r. Weekly.

At the Opera.

"Out >f sight ! n that gown, isn't she?" observed gentleman in the balcony pointing to Mrs, De Koltay, Who occupied a seat in one of the lower tiers t' boxes. "Out of’sight: Well, hardly. It strikes me it is . 5 other way about," responded his eo;..panion dryly. Which goes to show the elasticity of the American imguage, which says one thing and means another. It also shows —but, upc second thoughts, we must respect) - but (irmly decline going into further details --Bohemian.

One Way Out.

Little Mary hau>d to say "vinegar” because she had been laughed at often for her queer pronunciation of the worl. So when her mother sent her to the store to buy some, she presented the jug to the clerk and said "Smell of that and give me a quart.” —Bohemian.

Hard Labor.

"Has a justice the peace very ex tensive powers?" asked the man with the thirst for legal knowledge. “The one 1 appeared before ga r e me a H e sentence," responded Henpeck. glacing furtively around. —Bohemian.

A broken pitcher was offered as testimony ihat Ephriam Jackson, thi colored prisoner, had whacked his wife on ihe head. “The estimany doesn’t hold water," said the learned judge.—Bohemian.

Pa Eexplains.

■'This young feller writes our daughter a g'od deal of poetry. I’m afraid he ain’t practical.” “Not so fast, mi. He kin copy poetry out of a book and save takln’ his mind offen business.”

Seems Reasonable.

“Why do so many authors who have wen their spurs fail to do any further notable work?” “I don’t know. Maybe spurs have an irritating effect on that spirited steed, Pegasus."

Comedies in Real Life.

*1 saw a side-splitting sidewalk sketch lost now.” "What about?’’ "A poet was trying to borrow a quarter from an actor.”

Exceptions to All Rules.

“If you agree with everything a person says, that person wiU think you have good judgment.” “I dun no. I’ve tried that unsuccessfully ob my wife.”

Probably Not. ‘‘Hubby. I’m going in for dress »©• form.” "Does tbaj mean a cheaper spring | outfit, my dear?” \ ‘ * Have yoor sale bills printed at The Republican offim A Classified Adv. will rent it -

Next.

His Best Girl’s Advice'

Mimberly had proposed to Gladys Butterly on an average of twice a year since they had first met in high school. The proposals had varied from the rapturously impassioned affair which goes with higa algebra and Cicero through the bitterly intense sort belonging to the age of (Twenty-one and incipient ’mustaches up to the settled declaration of five or six years later. And the answer invariably" had been no. At his fifteenth proposal Gladys surveyed Mimberly thougtfully. "It is really very funny,” Gladys said at last, aTter her survey, "that I haven’t fatten in love w.th you in al this time, isn’t It? There isn’t a single reason why i shouldn’t! 1 think that is why 1 have not. Anyhow, Dick, you aren’t in love with me, you know, not a particle! You’ve jiisi got the habit of thinking you are and asking me to marry you, and you can’t break yourself of it." "You might be serious,” said Mimberly with bitterness, “I’m entirely serious!” declared Gladys, cheerfully. ; “1 only wish 1 could make >ou realize that you outgrew your madness for me years ago and fiat these periodical ou.bur.es are just recurrent dementia. You've hypnotized yourself into believing that your life will be wrecked if 1 don’t become Mrs. Mimberly and U isn't so! If you’d Just try to fall in love with some one else!" • Lovely idea of yours," he growled. “Yea don’t mean i., really?" "Indeed I do!” declared Miss Butter ly, pulling on her gloves and nodding her pretty head vigorously. "It would make me very happy, Dick to enzej you married to the right girlWhy, you’d laugh over this idea Uat you’re in love with me! Promise ire’ —,.he leaned forward earnestly—"that when you do find out ihat whit I’ve said is true you’ll couie and tell me! lr will so relieve my mind!” "It’s a safe promise," said Mlmberly, aggrlevedly. ‘*i never ’na\ l and never shall care for any girl but you, Gladys!” There was a real tremor in his voice a 3 le spoke, and she patted his arm on the way out. “You must imagine it, Dick!” she insisted comfortably. It was Gladys herself who Iniroduced M.niberly to Ada Wallack with the sterling whispered aside that heie was his chance. Mimberly dad given her a reproachful look. Miss Wallack was small and sparkling and vivacious and, being ignorant of the fact, well known to everybody in Gladys’s .set, that Miroberly wa,. Gladys^especial property and therefore it was a waste ol t.uic trying to interest him, she talked to Mimberly as though he were a moat engaging and entirely unattached man.

This was a new experience to Mimberly and strangely pleasing. • Then in revenge for Gladys’ going twice to the theatre with another man Mimberly broke bounds and called on Miss Wallack. He was asked to dinner, and after that he escorted her to a party. So engrosed was he In his revenge, it was some time before ae realized £at he was enjoying himself vastly. “I'm going to take Ada Wall&ck automobiling,” he said. Gladys smiled brightly. “Good for you!” she cried approvingly. ‘‘Kee, It up!" Mimberly bestowed on her & disapproving glare &nd the knew he was still hers. ‘She’s a mighty sweet girl, Dick,” she added. ‘I suppose so,” he admitted gloomily. No man understands the manner in which he' is finally roped and thrown. So Mimberly did not know it was going to happen until after several months he found himself holding Ada Wallack’s little hand« and words were tumbling out from his lips as they hadn’t- since his algebra days and the season of calf love. He was amazed at his store of rhetoric, and more amazed at the awful ghastly conviction that if Ada refused him life would be a Sahara, a marshy waste, a tract of alkali la.fb in the far west —anything hopeless and dismal. But 9he didn’t refuse him. Mimberly thereupon hunted up Gl»dy a Butterly, bubbling over with rapture. “You’re a brick, Gladys,” he sa!d, when he had finished telling her. “Yon had lots more sense that 1. Why, I was awfully fond of you and am still and always will be, but it wasn’t anything like this, ever. This is the real thing and I’m the happiest man on earth. And isn’t Ada the loveliest, dearest, most” "She Is a very nice girl, I believe,” interrupted Gladys Butterty. “You won’t mind If I have to get ready for a luncheon? So sorry to drive you away, but” “Oh, that’s all right." said Miraberly, good-naturedly. “Remember. «a*ll want yon lota at our house atterer" "Oh, thank you," said Gladys. Mhaberiy paused short in his tracks several blocks from the Butterly house. “Somehow," he murmured, “Glady’s didn't seem aa enthusiastic as she might She Whs positively chilly. Now I wonder why.” And. being a mas. ho never will "Mr*. Davis has a new little baby.'' Breathless interest. "It looks Just tike its mother.". CborUß- “Peer ttttu .Stawi**

THE TALKING TABLE.

why,.but probably, it was because she JETS?** intovT'ifi^rory ugly men. \ Nobody knew anything about Muaorm's antecedents, where she came from or what her real name was. She w«u a fortune teller. She was probably between twenty-five and thirty, with a wealth of golden hair; her eyes were large, brilliant and deep bine, and her month a poet’s dream of loveliness. Her voice and manners were charming, and as the people of our town are very superstitious she soon worked np a splendid business. Aiitard h&d met her on a steamer which brought him hack to France after a very disastrous tour in South America. He was a comedian, but possessing no talent he had never been successful and while abroad he had been forced to exist ever since the company was left stranded in Rio de Janeiro, on his talent as a ventriloquist, which was marvelous. Since his return home he hounded the pretty fortune teller’s seances, and as Musora had repeatedly warned him to stay away, he had to resort to strategy in order to be near his beloved, whose heart he was determined to conquer at any cost, as life# was not worth living without her. - - One evening he was present at one of the beautiful sorceress’ seances disguised as an old lady, and hidden away in the lasj; row of seats. After a few preliminary feats of chiromancy and fortune telling from cards, during which aft old colonel had caused considerable, trouble by his skepticism, the principal number of the program—the famous dancing table—was announced. The room was darkened. Musora sat down at a small table and placed her hands flat on top of it. There were a few moments of breathless suspense, then the table began to rock and sway in a strange manner, denoting the unmistakable presence of spirits. Musora asked the skeptic colonel to kindly address any question he wanted to the spirits, and he did so with the utmost politeness: “Spirit, who are you? Instead of the reply that was expected in the usual knocking language to which all spirits hitherto known have been wont to answer, a voice coming from one end, of the legs of the table replied: “Moliere.’' The audience was still dumfounded when another voice that first seemed to come from far away but gradually drew closer interrupted: “He Is not telling the truth; It is not Moliere, it is Regnard." The colonel looked at Musora, who vas quite pale as she replied: "There j must he two spirits. It very often | happens when the audience Is sympathetic.”

Her face remained calm, hut she was very much perturbed at the phenomenon of -the talking table, which had never been heard of before, neither at her seances nor anywhere else In the world. The colonel, who was now greatly impressed, asked in his most solemn voice: “Whom of the two great and illustrious spirits may I be permitted to address?” “None of them,” came the answer. “You will please address me" “And who are you?’’ “Beaumarchais.” It seemed then as if the three-leg-ged talde was now Inhabited by three great spirits, one in each leg. “Sir, this is indeed an unexpected honor,” the colonel stammered. ’’That is about enough,” came a fourth voice, "perhaps someone else may get a chance now.” There came a noise as if a number of people were quarreling, not only in the room, but on the stairs end even in the street The audience began to get uneasy and restless. "One voice at a time —This Napoleon is unbearable —now do not push so, Beethoven—l beg your pardon, 1 am Frederic Lemaltre —and I am Troppenauner—Did you ever see such people?—Please behave like Frenchmen, I am Joan of Arc, the Maid of Orleans —And I am George Sand— Musset, will you please be quiet—Elias Howe Gutenberg Robespierre Please wait until your turn comes—l am smothering." r

By this time the audience was panicstricken. Big dogs were heard barking, cats were mewing, and the piano in the corner was playing “Ach du lieber, Augustin," though no one touched it and not a key was moving. Women were fainting and the colonel had fled, leaving the door wide open behind him, while from the hall was heard a chorus of spirit voices:

“You are right, my dear William the Conqueror, these people are very rude —Why. are you here, too. William Tell —After you, Mahommet —This way, please, George Washington." Everyone had fled now and In the room were only Mnssora, the table and the old lady, all apparently paralysed. *T am ruined," sighed the morcereas, “Nobody will come here any more. Oh, what has happened? What has happened?" “Nothing very serious,” replied the old lady in AH bard’s voice. “You know how dearly I love you, and I only wantad to show you that ventriloquism Is rn art.” Now the two are married. She calls herself Mm. Alibard, and Is making a fortune with her new spiritualistic phenomenon—the talking table.

It la stated that a Delmonico waiter accumulated a half million la tips. Perhspe some of them were tips on the taew horse as well as human.

Tips.

100 MUCH EORK DEMANDED OF MEN IN NAVY

1 . Officers Complain The? Cannot Secure Re-en-listment of Crews. N*W YORK—(Spl.)—The assertion by a number of naval officers who have carefully studied the subject that the real reason why it is becoming almost impossible to keep men in the navy is due to modern conditions has aroused the naval chiefs, and there is much talk of a general investigation of the subject being ordered. Heretofore, at least one third of th« men who enlisted in the naval service were willing to remain there and make it their life work. During the last three years, however, the number has been steadily falling off until today only a email percentage of first enlistment men are willing to take on again. This means that there is a lack of experienced men on the big ships and unless the conditions are remedied the personnel of the service Is certain to suffer. ’ One of the officers now on duty at the Brooklyn navy yard, a veteran of many years’ experience, says the real reason is the restriction of the men’s liberty. On the old warships it ftras the rule that there was to be no more Sunday work than was necessary. The men were permitted a day to write letters home, lounge about the ship, and generally rest up for the coming week. Under modern conditions all this.is changed. The men are worked hard and, it is charged, unnecessarily ! not only through the week but also on Sunday and there is little to dlstinguish one day from another in the service. j The inevitable result, according to the officers at the yard is that men who have served their enlistment are | loath to continue in the service. The high pressure under which the men are compelled to work from early

in January until late in October is also said to he responsible for increasing desertions. The men got stale, It is pointed out, lost their interest, their spontaneity and their mental alertness. They become more like machines than men and when they get ashore on leave easily fall prey to evil influences. v?-.-, In the old navy from eleven o’clock on Sunday morning until Monday the day was free for the men except for the inevitable duties for those who were on the punishment list. Nowadays things are different and the gun crews are kept at work drilling all day Sunday while the engiue room forces, machinists, etc., are also kept on the jump because,, it is claimed, by those in charge, if they permit them, to drop back for a second the result will be detrimental to the ships’ showing with the fleet. Men who enlist nowadays arb different from the old hard drinking, hard fighting men who manned the wooden ships. They are of a higher orde& of intelligence. Many of them corns from the farms in the middle we3t and they are in great demand in civil life after serving a term of enlistment. These men realize this and they refuse to re-enlist. Unless conditions are remedied, officers here say, the fleet cannot keep up its record. It takes two enlistments to make a first rate gun handler and the same statement Ift jmjw of the perfect engine room force. Officers at the Brooklyn yard ady that the situation is becoming so acute it must receive the attention of the navy department in the near future.

Reward of Merit

The motor car was obstinate. It wouldn’t budge. Industriously the man In waterproof cap and goggles turned the crank handle; hut without result. He turned and turned and turned. Then be paused. “Twist k agen. Altered !•* ” Ire a ’osul” “Go ik Jofcnsop!” Thus the crowd. But to such giblings he was deaf. Once ore he hopefully seized the crank and turned it strenuously. No effect. Again he paused to remove his cap and regain his breath. Observing the action, an eldesly gentleman stepped forward and dropped a coin In the upturned eap. “Thank you, nay man—thank you!" he muttered. “It’s the only street organ I ever safe that didn’t send me’ nearly deaf with its noise! You doserve a copper."

TIMELY SUGGESTIONS.

Tomato eeeds are easily preserved and 1 fyou have extra good ones pick out the beat and save the seeds. The city house wife cannot understand why the farmers are not all rich when she considers the enormous price she pays for vegetable* and fruit Young babies and young plants most have the right kind ot food and plenty »f It to make them grow. If your plants grow tall and spindly thin them out Do not be afraid to cut—go at them courageously. It to a great thing to kno% fnst Whan a plant needs water. It to a matter that requires close observation. t.

VIEWS ON MARRIAGE.

“Precisely,” agreed the bachelor. "The greatest sacrifice of marriage Is the loss of one’s women friends." “The'country is evidently in danger." said a callow youth. V*’ : “One by one my women friends have offered up my friendship on their matrimonial altars," continued -the bachelor. “We have had interests In common, one of the arts of sciences, a common object In life, friendship, in fact, but those finest of human links have snapped one by one. Her husband, say, is too busy a man .to be merely cultivated! To see much of her while he is there would be selfish; at other times it would embarrass the neighborhood with unnecessary gossip. Friendship is such a delicate thing that it is quickly stifled under the mantle of discretion when it does not die outright. That piece of Mendelssohn should he called the funeral march of friendship.” “But is not the entire possession of one woman recompense enough for the capricious friendship of many?” asked the other. "Marriage has already made, you cynical,” replied the bachelor. “Possession!” snorted the callow youth; “that’s what queers the whole business.” “To suggest that a wife is her husband’s property is a remark that should never be made except in the presence of ladies, where it may be corrected,” said the old bachelor. “That’s about all marriage is,” added the youth. “It is more than that,” put in the host, and added:

I “Shall we join the ladies? Possibly they may have something to say on the subject” ‘ While they were depositing their half smoked cigars, dusting the specks of tobacco ash from their coats and settling the hang of their clothes with that show of indifference unknown to the more honest variety of women, there came a little cry from'the upper regions. It was repeated, a thin wailing, querulous voice, followed by a hurried rustling es skirts up the stairs. Three of the men dropped their eyes, the other smiled. They crossed into the drawing room, where - three women sat with a look of listening oh their faces. “We were just trying to persuade' Miss Talenthead to play for us,” said one of them with an encouraging, smile.—Kansas' City Times.

Terrible Lake Ronkonkoma.

The brakeman on the Long Island railroad whs talking to two schoolboy* who got on the train at Garden City. "Say, kids, did you know there’s s lake down the island where the suicides disappear, and their bodies are found in the Atlantic ocean? That’s a gospel fact I lost a friend there once. We dragged for his body three | days,' and some fishermen picked it up near Oak Island Beach, just outside Fire Island inlet Now, kids, what do you think of that? Ask your teacher. Maybe she can explain all about it” Needless to remark, the hoys were much interested. | The lake referred to is Ronkonkoma, a freak of nature, about fortyeight miles from New York’s City Hall, and half way, between Stony Brook and Bayville. Strange are the traditions hovering over this small body of water. The' Indians around Islip used to call it Ron-konk-o-MA, but many of the present day Long Islanders say Ron-kon-KO-ma. Old I “resldenters” tell that the tide rises and falls there twice in twenty-four hours, sometimes stx inches, at other times two feet. It is believed that there is an underground connection with Great South hay, leading to the ocean by way of Fire Island inlet. At ' times, they wilt declare, the water Is salt, and at other times fresh.

The Boy and the Bishop.

A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a ragged urchin, who asked: "The time o’ day, please your lordship." | With considerable difficulty the, portly bishop extracted his timepiece. "It is exactly half-past 5, my UUL” . "Well,” said the boy, setting hie feet for a good start "at ’aU-past f you go to ’ell.” and be was off llfes a flash. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch danglng from its chain, floundered after him. Just as he rounded, the corner he ran Into the arms of the venerable Bishop of London. "Oxford! Oxford!" remonstrated the surprised dignitary, "why this unseemly haste?" Puffing, blowing. Spluttering, the outraged bishop gasped out: "That young ragamuffin—l told him It was half past I. He—or—told me to go to h —l at half-past «" "Yes, yes." said the Bishop of LOOdon, %R* the suspicion of twinkle In his Unity old eyes, "hut why-sash haste? You’ve got almost an hour." —Philadelphia Record, wl

- - • ' ~' ! K i i«T) V ' - . DR. F. A. TURFLKR. OSTEOPATHIC ROOraB Rensselaer, M Indiana 11 1 n Phones. Office—2- rings on 300. reallence —3 rings on MO. "*» M —; 88. E. If. I>OY Successor to Dr. W. W. HartselL *fflce-Fram ihiHen street. F. H. HEJTPHILL, H. D. Physician and Surgeon •pedal attention to diseases of women . and low grades Of fever. Office In Williams block/ Opposite Court Telephone, office and residence. 44k QX.ABSES grrTKP BT V t }

IB IiSISi 11 ■l■ IV 1111 ■'*' an. in.ii ii -wUßaWnmi —" I*'*** andT* ths * Son tfif Tifttll# villa and rreich Ittk Springe. ;—— —' - BBHSSELASB TXXH In Effect October 14, tell. SOUTH BOUND No. *i—Fast Mail 4:4ft a. m. - No. 6—Louisville Mail .... 11:20 a. Ha. No. 37—Indpls. Ex. ....... lliSI a. m. No. 33—Hoosier Limited ... 1:56 p. m. Np. 39—Milk Accom 1:02 p. m. No. Ex. ..... 11:05 p.as. •- '•* . , ' • r hosts sons . No. 4—Louisville Mail .... 4:52 a. m. No. 10 —Milk Accom 7:36 a. m. No..22—Fast. Mail 10:06 a.as. No. 38—Indpls-Chgo. Ex 3:o* p. m. No. 6—Louisville Mail AEX 3:IT p. «a. No. SO—Hoosier Limited ... 6:44 p. m. ■ Train No. *1 makes connection at Monon for Lafayette, arriving at Lafayette at 6:16 a. m. No. 14. leaving Lafayette at 4:20, connects with N0.,-50 at Monou, arriving at Rensselaer at 6:44 p. m. sci Trains Nos. 30 and S 3, the “Hoosier ** Limited,” run only between Chicago and Indianapolis, the C. H. A D. service for Cincinnati having been discontinued. W. H. BEAM. Agent

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