Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 234, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 October 1911 — HOW HE WAS EXECUTED [ARTICLE]

HOW HE WAS EXECUTED

By OSCAR COX

We may dress up a man in uniform, toot a born, a rattle, a dram, in his ear and be will shoot down his fellow beings with great zest But try to make kim kill even one of them in cold blood, then you will see what a difficult matter it is. There was once a 1 kingdom not as big as Monaco, and that is small enough in all conscience. Little Sonneshon was but five miles in circumference. Yet it was a perfect kingdom, for King Shandigrab was a real royal personage, five feet high, five feet around the girth and wore a crown that weighed pretty nearly as much as himself. He had a cabinet, masters of the robes and hounds and courtiers galore. There were 5,000 commoners, with a number of horses, mules, cats and other animals. The general of the army of forty men (mostly effectives) was a terrible fellow, with fierce mustachios as pointed as his sword. But the army and the general were both for show, for the kingdom was under the protection of its neighbor, the emperor of Hollibag. who had been paying it a stated sum ever since the principal part of the territory had been lopped off many centuries before for the benefit of the empire. Besides, the little Sonneshons were the most peaceful people in the world. So tender hearted were they that once when a musquito flew over there from what is now New Jersey they refrained from killing it. so that it planted all the pools with mosquitoes. " Nevertheless there was once a murder committed in the kingdom by a man named Hans Gotterman. But that was an exceptional case, for he killed his wife, who was a nagger. Perhaps for this extraordinary incitement to murder he might have gone scot free had he not been lazy and generally worthless. So he was convicted and sentenced to have his head ehopped off. But iri'e arose a difficulty. There was a royal executioner, but, like the general of the army, he was for show. He Wore tights, a mask and all that, constantly carrying an ax on his shoulder. But the ax was wooden and its bearer so tender hearted that'when he had fried chicken for breakfast his wife was obliged to cut off its bead. At a meeting of the cabinet the matter of Hans Gotterman was discussed, and it was agreed that the royal executioner wouldn’t do for the job at all. So it was decided to send a request to the emperor of Hollibag for the loan of his headsman. Unfortunately there had been a revolution in the empire, and the royal executioner was so busy cutting off the heads of rebels fbat he could not be spared. At another meeting of the cabinet it was decided to offer a hundred pieces of gold to whomsoever would execute the murderer. The offer was posted everywhere throughout the kingdom, and the king and his cabinet waited for some one to step forward, accept it and put an end to Gotterman. But no one was willing to kill a man at the price, and as no other expedient was suggested Gotterman still lived. One day a mosquito bit him and impregnated him .with bacteria that caused a terrible fever. The court waited expectantly, thinking the man would die. but be disappointed them by getting well, and since it cost considerable to keep him the cabinet decided to let him out on his promise to return when an executioner could be found to behead him. He rather objected to this, but his keeper stopped his food and thus forced compliance. Every few days he would pretend he had beard that an executioner had arrived and go back to the jail, demanding food ad interim. Thus be got to be an insufferable bore. No one could be found to kill him, he wouldn’t die. One day it was reported to the king that fifty coal miners had been burled in a mine. These were citizens the state could not afford to lose. The cabinet ordered a hundred men collected at great expense to dig the miners out. They dug a month, when one day, hearing a voice, they made their way with pick and shovel toward the sound. After several days' hard work they broke into a compartment and there found Gotterman. He said he had gone into the mine for work, but when asked how be had lived so long without food pointed to fifty empty dinner palls. He had gone Into the place where the entombed men had placed their tinkers. None of the laborers whs ever got out alive. Gotterman alone survived the catastrophe. The king was much Incensed when he heard the story of Gotterman’s rescue and renewed his efforts among the neighboring states for the loan of an executioner, but without success. Then came a written offer from the murderer to cut his own head off for the promised reward. The cabinet could not accept It, because there was a law of the kingdom against suicide. One day when the cabinet was In council a member presented an offer from a woman who was known to be a frightful shrew to marry Gotterman if she were paid as a dowry the hundred pieces of gold for his execution. Tbe cabinet decided to accept the offer. As soon as Gotterman heard that he must marry tbe shrew all bis courage left him. He had got rid of one nagger and dreaded to be tied up with another. A law was passed compelling him to marry the woman, and she talked him to death within a month. V