Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 211, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 September 1911 — Page 3

Trifling Telephone Tangles

Kittle Smith and John Colson were lovers, but perversity In matters matrimonial have become a proverb, and their case was no exception to the rule. Kittle lived with a married sister, land as frequently happens, she assumed more authority than the most exacting parent would have done. She most decidedly refused consent 'to theft marriage. “That child,’' she exclalmed indignantly, and promptly ■forbade John the house. But love finds a way, and their trysting place was In the thick shrubbery at the lower end of the garden. John was trying to persuade her to a clandestine marriage, but she lacked courage to absent Her sister’s shrill call from the back porch decided the question. , “Kittle, Kittle Smith’ Come here this instant and put little Billy to bed.” “As if you were her servant!" whispered John Indignantly. “That settles it, you are going to marry me tomorrow night.” “Oh, John, she’ll never let me,” breathlessly. “She won’t? Then we’ll not ask her. You put those kids to bed as soon as the chickens go to roost, so you can get to the telephone office by 10 o’clock. I’ll put in the call with the operator and she'll give you the line so I can tell you where to meet me. Ten o’clock, sharp! I’ll be waiting and so will the parson." “Sister’s coming," whispered Kittle tremblingly. “Let her come, sne’ll not find me," replied John airily, and leaping the fence, was gone. Kittle met her sister with demure unconsciousness. “Were you Calling?” she asked. Kittle presented hers-If promptly on time at the telephone office and giving her name, asked, “Is there a. ■ call for me?”

“Yes, Miss Olsen,” was the reply, at the same time indicating her box. Kittle smiled consciously. “Colson! Well, now, or an hour frpm now will make no great difference,” she thought “Hello, John,” she called softly as soon as she bad closed the door. “Hello, Het,” came the Instant reply. “It’s all right, come to the dbrner of Belmont and Main. 1 have an auto waiting, so hurry up." f ' “AU right,” she repUed, and hung up the receiver. “Wasn’t It funny that he called me Pet? Eve heard him say a hundred times that he detested It—but I don’t! I think it’s just sweet. I suppose It’s just the ’phone, but his voice didn’t sound a bit natural.” she murmured as she wrapped her vefl about her head, completely concealing her features. John, at the appointed place, lifted her to the sea without speaking. -As he backed, preparatory to turning, another auto came swiftly down the street, and on the corner swerved toward them. “Oh, no, you don’t, Dave Olsen!” exclaimed John, speeding a- -y. “Hi, there! Stop, you Idiot, or I'll have you arrested." yolled the driver of the other car. “Come on, then,” shouted John derisively. To Kittle he said, “Hold fast, I’m going to let her g 0,," But go as he would his pursuer kept pace with him, so he began twisting and turning, around one corner swaying omlniously, skidding on another sharp turn until Kittle shrieked In affright Escape seemed impossible, so he doubled back through dark and narrow streets, the lamps on the pursuing machine gleaming like menacing eyes almost within touch. On a lighted corner a policeman ordered him to halt, and aa he failed to obey, fired a shot at him. Kittle screamed and half rose, as if to leap from the car. “Sit down!" called John angrily. At sound of a second shot she began to sob aloud. “Oh, shucks," muttered John in vexation. A moment later he remarked, repentantly, “Why, Het, we don’t get married every day in the year, but we are going to be married tonight If we have to smash the automobile record. I do believe that fellow's lost himself, or else the cop's got him." He began to slow down. Kittle Inarticulately murmured something about smashing the automobile instead of the record, to which John paid no attention. As he lifted her down at the parsonage he whispered to her, “I never thought you’d show the white feather.” With * laugh, he half pushed her up the steps to where the parson was waiting for them. Kittle, essaying to untie her veil with trembling fingers, glanced toward John, who stood, hat in hand, speaking to the clergyman. She made a rush and took refuge behind his reverence. t “I don’t want to marry thia man, I don’t even know him, and—and he’s a maniac," she cried hysterically. John turned to look at her. "Well, I would be crazy to marry you. Thunder. they’d have me up for baby stealing. Who are you, anyway?" “Tm Kittle Smith." sobbingly, "tut I don’t know who you are.” "Well, I’m John Smith. My tribe is numerous, but it doesn’t include grown-up babies,” sarcastically. The parson stood rubbing his hands together helplessly. “Well, I do do-

By CLARA HOLMES

dare! My dear, were you expecting to be married?” he of Kittle. “Yes, sir. I was, to John Colson. I don’t know this rough man at all." beginning to weep again. John fidgeted restlessly. “Miss Smith, can’t you shut down the flood gate long enough for explanations? As I understand it, you planned to elope with John Colscx And I, John Smith, had a similar arrangement with Hetty Olsen. • Now, where —ere you to meet John Colson?" “He left a call for me r.t trip public telephone office, and when I talked with him ” “But you didn’t talk to him. That bungling operator gavAyou to me, and must have given him my party, Hetty Olson. Fine mix-up! I thought that fellow following us was Het’s wrathful sire, but It must have been your John. Now, we’ll find them in one of three places, at the police station, for speeding; at the hospital, because he got In the way of the policeman’s bullet; or back at the telephone office waiting for us." At mention of the first two places Kittle gave another little shriek. “Oh, stop pulling the whistle. I’ll have Het give you a few lessons. You wouldn’t catch her doing the weeping act or squealing over anything, □he’s clear grit, Het is,” he concluded with evident pride. The same officer who hailed John Smith either took ’ otter alm or had a lucky accident In the case of John Colson. When his second command to halt seemed likely to be disregarded, as was his first, his bullet just grazed John’s elbow, benumbing his arm so that his hand dropped from the steering wheel. Hetty pushed him aside, taking his place before the car had time to swerve. “Is It broken?" she asked sympathetically. "I don’t know, but that doesn't matter, what does really matter Is they have got away from us," ruefully. “They’ll be hunting us when John finds out that he has the wrong girl,” said Hetty, laughing confidently. As they came to a stop the policeman came up swinging his club impressively. "And wnat do you mean, racin’ like that?” he demanded. John laughed Infectiously. “I’ll tell you, I was trying to catch a tl’-vf. That fellow ahead was running off with my best girl. Wouldn’t you chase him?" “Faith, I think I would, then! Well?” beginning to smile. “It’s this way. The old folks object, and—you know how ’tis. Through mistake he got my girl and I have his.” The laugh. tone, aided by a little persuader slipped into the. brawny hand resting on the car, prov ed potent. > “Well, g’wan wld ye, but don’t ye dare let me catch ye racin’ again.” “I’ll not let you catch me If I can help it," answered John facetiously. “I think we better return to the telephone office,” said Hetty, turning the car, but as they approached the building, the. saw that the office was closed for the night “What now?” asked John in a troubled tone. “I’m sure I don’t know," replied Hetty with a laugh. "It wouldn’t matter so much to us, only I’m certain father would never* let me mix his toddy again. It’s once —perhaps, twice —Never! with him.” “And Kittle! •n, she’ll never let me mention elope again," said John. "Hello, what’s th|s?”j as a car came rushing toward them. “That you, John Colson?” came the greeting. “It certainly Is, replied he. There ensued a rapid fire of questions and answers, an equally rapid exchange of partners, a little weeping on Kittle’s part over John’s arm, a speedy ride to the waiting clergyman, and in a very short time two happy couples came out again into the night, each -man wearing an air of proud proprietorship. The parson remal e- standlpg tn the open doorway enjoying the happy termination of the affair, also smiling a little at thought of the two generous gold pieces clasped in his hand. “We’ve given you lots of parson, take these as a recompense,” the two Johns had said.

A cricket club formed a gymnasium for the use of the members during the winter months, and an instructor was engaged to teach jiu-jitsu. Recently one of the cricketers turned up with a bandaged head and said some youth had inflicted the Injury. “What!" exclaimed the jiu-jitsu instructor. "You mean to say you let a youth knock you about like that? Why didn't you try jiu-jitsu?" "I couldn’t” “Nonsense! There’s no conceivable situation to which jiu-jitsu cannot be successfully applied. Show me where be gripped you.” “I’m sorry to say be didn't grip me anywhere. He dropped a brick on my bead from a third floor window." —TitBits.

“Crooked weights and measures have been used since the year 869 B. C." “What makes you so positive of the date?" “That’s when weights and measuieh were invented,” • *

Jiu-Jitsu No Use.

Alas for Human Frailty!

NAVAL ATTACK ON NEW YORK

AGAIN the mimic battle between the “enemy” and our navy has been fought; once more New » York was the objective, and likewise once more New York Is safe. The war game, now such a fixed Institution In both the army and the navy and always of great value to the professional and the layiqan, serves with every repetition to assure the country that the measure of safety secured by the enormous expenditure of the last twenty-five years is assuring, and in all probability all that the most sagulne claim (or it This time it was purely a naval gam a. The army did not participate* exoapt that the range and power or gun fire from the coast fortifications involved in the theater of war were taken into account as factors, and have had their weight in the theoretical defense of the country. But the active forces were wholly, naval, and all credit for what was accomplished goes to that arm of the military establishment. The idea of testing the training and attainments of the army and navy by problems and sham battles is one that has for its primary purpose the actual test of men and systems, but beyond that the more important purpose is to demonstrate more and more the field of' effort for improvement both in material and personnel. In real war the problem for the United Stales would at once assume different proportions from these succeeding small battles of peace. In the s first place the forces of the army and navy would be co-ordinated in a manner that would surprise those who remember the famous campaign before Santiago when the navy day after day sought to drown out Cervera’s fleet with a deluge of projectiles, and the army and navy could never get together In any well-planned program that would shorten operations and determine results. None of the war games have yet been played on the basis of

The Wisconsin.

such a coordination of land and sea losses, and they have yet to be undertaken. . The first object of the recent maneuvers was to mobilise the naval militia with the regular navy and give the amphibious organisation whose units tread the quarterdeck of the dry goods store or the machine shop during the year, with now and then a spin for an hour or two on their various militia ships a chance to get their sea legs, taste the salt air, and gulp down solid chunks of Atlantic fog with the seat on the side of war feeling and spirit It is one thing to know a captain from a hawser and to be able to eat deviled crabs when afloat on fresh water without coveting a handhold on the rail, but to really go to sea, to stand watch in the pitchy hours of the night to hitch your eyeballs to the stars, and glue your mind to the fathomless void out of which at any moment the winking lights of the "enemy’s” ships may suddenly be seen, that is something like real sea service under the flag. For the most part the naval militiaman feels that he can at best learn but a smattering of what be would like to know to flt himself to be of value In time of war. His militia ship, a gift from the government, serves

for the greater part of the year simply as a clubhouse. His turns at watch or at the guns in sub-calibre fire are few and far between. He now and then turns out for a parade, marches badly because he has had far too little drill, and with small membership and too little encouragement for practice and training does not get far on In his feeble and Intermittent efforts to become a sailorman of possible value when the crucial time really comes. It was to arouse Interest and stimulate real in the work of the coming year that the battle recently fought was proposed and undertaken. There have been war games before for the naval militia on the lakes, and in a small way in the manoeuvers in New England two years ago. This year it was decided to call into action the entire force of naval militia on the Atlantic coast Rear Admiral Hugo Osterhaus and Commander E. W. Eberle were in command, and under orders from the department both fleets were to abandon the use of their wireless systems for the period of the "battle." It was not the intention that the battleship fleet should be required to get in without being observed, as was the case once or twice In the noted series of manoeuvers in the summer of 1902, with the fleet under command of Rear Admiral Higginson. As the contest was to be a purely naval one the defense was to make no use of points of observation by land even if any advantage were to be had by such means. With the disuse of wireless, therefore, the struggle on the part of the home fleet was dependent mainly on vigilance and speed in communication. For a moment such as that Imposed on Admiral Osterhaus a light fog arid a dark morning were to be desired. From his rendezvous at Nantucket Shoals he had before him the simple business of getting to sea far enough to escape observation, be out of the lane of ocean steamships, and avoid wireless leaks to form his plans. He was not to divide his fleet, but to make the grand attack in force and. If possible, so adrolty as to steal a march on his enemy and overpower him at the weakest point in the battle plan. To guard a coast line 450 miles long is no small task, but Admiral Higginson in 1902, did it so well that when, on the morning of August 23, in a light fog, Pillsbury’s fleet came slowly up off Salem, Higginson’s fleet was there sharp-eyed and ready to give fight. By the rules of the game these maneuvers will always have great value in any future discussion of the defense of New York from attack by a fleet entering, or trying to enter, the east end of Long Island Sound. That entrance naturally well protected by the configuration of the two coast lines on the north, and south with ‘the strong coast artillery fortifications and the submarine mine system that has been established throughout the whole region, would never be an inviting one to an enemy’s fleet But the battle this time of a large fleet of torpedo boats and submarines demonstrates the value of tills system of defense in any war where we might be forced to divide the battleship fleet or to divert it from the North Atlantic. It is to be kept in mind that the United States is a transcontinental country and that we are open to attack from two sides of the continent There can be no telling whence our next war may come, nor what forces may be lined up against us. An alliance between an Oriental foe and some European power would suggest a divided attack, one fleet approaching the Pacific coast, and another the Atlantic. Such an attack in any>> force would make necessary just such a situation as has been so Well Illustrated in the recent manoeuvres. Any means of concealment and communication was permitted to the fleets. The enemy came on with all lights out except the hooded tall lights and the trailing electric lights by which those to the rear kept in touch with those in dront The usual practice is to use sub-calibre guns for simulating the fire of battle, but this time blank shells were used and the battle thus assumed the obaiHx»tss‘ of the real thing.

RAM’S HORN BROWN.

There Is strong circumstantial evldeuce that Lot’s wife was to blame for most of his troubles. There are still plenty of green pastures for the Lord’s sheep. Many a bad case of backsliding had its beginning in a horse trade. ''' j ’ '’—- ’ The bread that is honestly earned is the sweetest. We admire the rocket, but how soon we forget it The young man should make up his mind early as to whether he wants to be a houseplant or a tree. The sword is the great grandmother of the pruning hook. The man who is envious of evildoers will soon be carrying a banner In their parade.—lndianapolis News. Don’t go with a crowd just because it is a crowd. A happy heart is always young. <■M* When some folks open the Bible the last thing they want to find is the truth. When self-righteousness gets up in the night to pray, nobody else can sleep. “J You can depend upon it that the devil hates the man who loves his enemies.

BORROWINGS

Eten for the dead I will not bind My soul to grief—death cannot divide; For is it not as if the rose had climbed My garden wall, and blossomed on the other side? —Alice Cary. Thy friend has a friend, and thy friend’B friend has a friend; be discreet. —Talmud. "We have careful thoughts for the stranger, And smiles for the sometimes guest; But oft for our own the bitter tone. Though we love our own the best.” Age is not all decay; it is the ripening, the swelling of the/fresh life within that withers and bursts the husk. A —George Macdonald. The only way to have a friend is to be on*. —Emerson. Banish the tears of children; continual rains upon the blossoms are hurtful. —Jean' Paul. ' A bad habit which cannot be conquered directly may be overcome Ify arranging circumstances to help us. —James Freeman Clarke.

WITH THE SAGES.

A merely fallen enemy may rise again, but the reconciled one is truly vanquished.—Schiller. MMM Prosperity’s right hand is Industry, and her left hand is frugality.—“ John Ploughman.” There is no substitute for thorough* going, ardent, and sincere earnestness. —Dickens. »■ What we most need is to see and feel the beauty and joy of today.— Conway, Success does not so much depend on external help as on self-reliance. — Lincoln. Many a one by being thought better than he was, has become better. — Jowett. Exactness in little things is a wonderful source of cheerfulness.—Auerbach. To suffer and be stroi% is not easy, but courage grows with use.—E. Vernon. r •MM He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius.— W. Alls ton.

WOMEN WHO SHOULD NOT MARRY

The woman who buys for the mere pleasure of buying. ♦ MM The woman who expects to have "a good, easy time.” The woman who thinks that cook and nurse can keep house. The woman who would die rather than wear last season’s hat. The woman who expects a declaration of love three times a day. MM The woman who marries In order to have some one to pay her bills. The woman who reads novela and dreams of being a duchess or a countess. The woman who thinks she can get $5,000 worth of style out of SI,OOO income.

SCIENTIFIC NOTES

The peak of Teneriffe throws a 50mlle shadow across the water, The Indian hemp plant offerir a substitute for opium. , Newfoundland is said to be without reptiles of any character. , • > - / ! England has one hen to the acre of territory. The Spanish hen’s eggs, weighing seven to a pound, are the largest produced. A tea made of the leaves of th# "laughing plant” of Arabia puts the partaker Into a hilarious humor for an hour or so. While Amsterdam is the diamond; center of the world, these gems are not generally worn by the natives. The board of customs and excise will in future prohibit the importation of cardboard tokens made in imitation of coins. The world’s herd of swine numbers; 100,000,000, two-fifths of which belongs. to the United States. Taunton, the herring city of Massachusetts, is a great Mecca for excursionists during the “run." Over 12,000 tons of pebbles.are annually picked up on the Normandy beaches. Most of them are sent abroad. China produces about one-half of the world’s tea consumption of 1,100,600,000 pounds. The culture of goldfish has been a flourishing industry of China for hundreds of years. Thn-e are 110,000 telephones in use in Japan at the present time, and the . number is rapidly increasing. The best safeguard against infectious diseases is to keep both mind and body in a healthy condition.

THE PHILOSOPHER.

The flatterer is always sure tis his audience. The harder you are to please, the less your friends will try.. The proof of the pudding may also be in the amount left over. Many a man gives himself away who isn’t an advocate of free speech. i . A woman’s idea of a good likeness is one that looks just like she thinks she looks. Troubles too often come disguised. Many a chaperon develops into a matchmaker. » I There are men who hesitate to hide their light under a bushel for fear the world will thereby be left in darkness. . Exactness in little things is a wonderful source of cheerfulness.—F. W. Faber. Two excesses: exclude reason, admit only reason.—Pascal. I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved; the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave.—George Eliot. . . "To be angry with a weak man is proof that ybu are not very strong yourself.”

SAYS UNCLE EZRA

“It of’un happens that persistent star gazers stub their toes.” "The feller who says nothin’ nowadays usually can’t git any wood to saw.’’ - “It frequently hap*ns thet a man who takes a drop too much takes many. ” “The farmer who puts his biggest fruit at the top uv the basket may hev his callatlons upset.” *«if there doesn't anybuddy wanter take your note It is evident thet you ain’t much uv a financial musician.** "Es a certain girl asks a certain young man what his favorite color Is he may look fur it In a day or two.** MMM “The young man uv today looks with suspicion upon the woman who is all puffed up with pride— an’ other things.”

ANVIL SPARKS

Overcaution Is cowardice. ’ Resting on the promises la not making a bed of ease out of them. . MMM • The. atmosphere of prayer Invigorates for toll. i ' The hour of worship should be a time of refreshing to the soul, not a siesta. .’ ' ■■■/. - ,#so - Many a tongue that seems to bo weU bridled balks when It should speak out for God. As you meet with others in traveling upon the highway of life, always turn to the right.—Christian Herald. ;