Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 198, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 August 1911 — Page 2

Good Jokes

A Qualified Acquaintance. The fatteat man in Manayunk was weighing himself a tew days ago in the big market house in the suburb A crowd of email boys gathered a Short distance away frmn the scales and gased at his girth with wondering The fat man didn't like to be the center of interest, evidently, tor he turned and said, gruffly: “Hope you know me when you see me again.* •?. - - ' As the boys took to their heels one of them hurled the parting shot: “We will, mister, if some one doesn't stick a pin In you before we see you."

HE PROVED IT.

Casey—Whin 1 was passing your Shanty jlst now that goat of yours nearly knocked the lolfe out o’ me. Sure, he’s not well bred. Doolon—Maybe not,’Casey, but he’s a good butter, all right

Unless Rechristened.

“Limburger cheese deodorised,” Or if it hasn't been it will; But llmburger deodorised It seems would be Ilmburger stilt

Property Diagnosed.

Stranger—Doctor. 1 ache all over. Doctor—Malaria, probably. Stranger—And my head is all stuffed up and I have a tearing cough. Doctor —A little cold along with it. 1 see. Take — Stranger—And I just feel aa If thia world was a fraud and I'd like to throw that old moon at the sun and stuff all the stars down somebody's throat - Doctor —You've got the grip.

With Emphasis.

Mistress (hastily sticking a finger Into either ear) —“Kittle, for heaven’s sake! What does that frightful noise and profanity In the kitchen mean?*' Kittle —“Oh, that's nothin', ma'am! It's only cook rejectin' a propos'l av marrlj from the ashman!”

Poor Forethought.

/Silicus—They met on a railroad train quite by accident, and in less than two months they were married. Cynicus—That's what comes of neglecting to take out an accident policy.

Had No Warning.

Gibbs —Did you know your wife’s first husband? Dibs 4.with a sigh)—Yes; but he never put me onto his domestic affairs, confound him.

Drawing the Line.

“A woman should have a gentle, confiding nature." “Yes, but it shouldn’t be so great as to lead her to play bridge whist With strangers at a summer hotel.”

Inclined to Be Formal.

“Madame, do you know that you nearly put my eye out with your umbrella r “How dare you speak to me, sir, without an Introduction?”

The Only Way.

“Got the last word with my wife this morning.” —• “How did you manage it?” ■“Yelled it up the tube as I went out the vestibule of our apartment house.”

JUST SO.

Manager—l like the fourth act of your tragedy the best. Playwright— But ft only has three acts to IL Manager—l know.

Her Grievance.

A woman near us lost her voice— Somehow her tongue got stuck— And our wife's mad because wo said: ’•Rome men have all the hw»k!“ - ~

Driven From Home.

r “Where are you going?” “I don’t know, rm just going.” "If that’s the case, why go?” "It’s time tor the girl next door to "take her vocal lesson.” z

Unconventionallties.

’’Wei], I’ll have to be going, Mrs Leader; I’m tired of seeing- you hold that sore-eyed poodle tn your lap.” “I wish I had known that you hare a flat in this apartment, Paxley, before It was too fate for me to back out" “Mr. Swearington, I’ll have to recall that dinner invitation; we don't need you to make the fourteenth, after all.” "Yes, I was at home when you called the other day, Mrs. Whlggins, but I was reading and interesting book." “I know well enough, old chap, that I am not lending you this money; 1 am just giving It to you.” “The moment you entered the room, Mrs. Akers, I knew you had been eating onions." “No, Rivers, I don’t read your stuff tn thd paper; I’m always tired out before I get around to it" ’ — “Mr. Squibb, don’t you think you have stayed about long enough for an evening call?”

A Delicate Position.

“Would you believe that I once took a prize which was offered for the most beautifully formed woman in the world, Mr. Smitherton?" “Your question Is rather embarrassing, Mrs. Gabbsley. If I told you that I believed you once won such a prize I should perhaps let It be understood that I had devoted special study to your outlines, and if, on the other hand, I were to say 1 did not believe you could ever have won a prize in a flneshape contest you would doubtless regard me with disfavor. May Ibe per* mitted to avail myself of the scientist’s privilege and answer yes or no?"

Might Work It

“1 see where a Geneva professor has frozen a number of fish in a cake of ice and has thawed them out and resuscitated them after three months." . - r me; it would be a good way to get past the summer. But, of course, he couldn’t” •’Do you believe that he did it with the fish?" “I see no reason to doubt IL” “Then there is no reason why he would not be successful in your case —you’re a sucker.”

Looking Ahead.

*T see every man named George In England has chipped in to give a present to King George. There being so many Georges, they have raised a large sum. “That makes me think," said Pa Hoptoad. “Hadn't we better go slow about naming the baby, Montmorency?”—Exchange

HIS OPPORTUNITY.

Mr. Henpeck—You ought to be a landscape artisL Mrs. Henpeck—Why? Mr. Henpeck—You show such an aptness for making mountains out of molehilla

Men and Girls.

“Are men as black." she queried, “As they are painted, do you think?” In Yankee styl« I answered her: “Are girls,” I asked, "as pink?”

A Real Spender.

“Grace is having a grand time at the seashore,” “Met a millionaire, perhaps?” “No; she met a young fellow who went down with |3OO saved up.”

In Court.

“What’s the trouble ?’’ inquired the judge. “This lady lawyer wants to make a motion,” explained the clerk, “but her gown is too tight.”

The Reason.

is only half a man since ha married that girl.” “No wonder. She made him lose his head; then she took his hand and finished by breaking his heart.”

Gentle Hint.

“You want to go back to your husband, do you? How did you tell him?” “I bought myself a new hat and sent him the bill.” —Fliegende BlaeLter.

Waste of Time.

“Do you read the magazines?” “No. I already have a safety razoj and I can’t afford to buy a motor car?

Agreed.

"Illiteracy is the foe of progress.” “Ain’t It the truth!”

Classic Coiffure

Photograph by Underwood & Underwood, N. Y.

THOSE members of the fair sex who are fortunate enough to possess a face and. figure that are fitted to the classic garb, whose lines are now so fashionable — and there are many, of such among our belles —are naturally turning to

BATHS FOR THE HOT DAYS

mppffig. Tbarf Rrtiry - ReewhWornout Frame —Hot Water Is Better Than Cold. There is nothing more refreshing these hot days than a bath, either hot or cold. The former in very hot weather Is more cooling than the cold plunge, which acts as too much of a tonic. Baths are not equally refreshing. Plain soap and water are all right for cleansing, but when a bath is Intended to put. new life .In us, when half dead with heat, it is well to choose some of the medicated ones whosq, tonic values were well known ~to the ancients. If nothing better offers try a lemon bath. This Is much in favor with Cubans and deserves to be better known. Squeeze the juice of two lemons Into a bath of hot water. When it has cooled sufficiently it will be found wonderfully refreshing. Witch hazel baths are cooling and refreshing, particularly If one is troubled with prickly heat, mosquito bites or stiff joints. Pour in a goodly supply just before stepping in the tub. Sea salt has all the value of dipping In the ocean if used in one’s own tub. It can be bought by the package and should be dissolved several hours before bathing. If one suffers from mosquito bites or hives try a bath In which a little carbolic acid has been dissolved. The Itching is quickly allayed. Care must be taken not to have the solution too strong. Boracic acid is also good used in the same way.

Late Summer Millinery.

Ring out the old, ring in the new, expresses the frame of mind of the millinery trade and the condition of affairs at present. Practically everyone is glad to see the last of the sun# mer season, certainly the flower and fancy feather houses are, although the tailored and ready-to-wear hat people, as well as the dealers in untrimmed shapes, have profited largely by the vogue of scantily ;trimmed hats. The flower and fancy feather trade is prepared to offer such attractive goods for the fall season that It is confident of winning out A, The new hlgh-crown hats argue wpll for wings and all upstanding trlihmings, branch effects and cockades.— The Millinery Trade Review.

Bridesmaids’ Dresses.

At a fashionable wedding that took place at the bride’s country home recently the bridesmaids wore charming dresses of rose-pink silk relieved with yokes of cream net and turndown collars to match. Long sleeveless coats of pink chiffon, edged with ball fringe, gave a pretty finish to the toilettes, and their biscuit-colored tagal straw hats were trimmed with malmaisons and wheat ears and big bows of pink silk.

Ironing Tablecloths.

Cheap table linen may be made to look as glossy as fine damask if ironed tn the following way: After the linen has been washed, boiled and rinsed, wring it as dry as possible, roll it up in a dry sheet and leave it for an hour, then iron it till it is thoroughly -dry. In this way the linen escapes the wear and tear of hanging on a line and keeps a better shape.

The Blas Fastening.

It is one of the new fashions to fasten, a skirt on the bias from the right hip over to the left knee. Blouses are also fastened in this diagonal fashion. The idea was brought about by the innovation of one-sided trimming on many of the new gowns

the knot as an appropriate way of wearing the hair. The coiffure is alike becoming to the maid or the matron, and it may be worn at the is most becoming to the expression or shape of the face.

SUMMER FROCKS THAT WASH

Simple Garment, May BeMatfS Very Attractive by a Little Originality and Ingenuity. Much originality and ingenuity may be exercised in planning these summer frocks of wash fabric or silk, if one or two salient rules for the cut of the garment be very carefully followed. A gown designed along perfectly correct llnfcs is made collarless, with V or square shaped neck, peasant bodice, elbow sleeves, afad high empire waist-line, finished either with a narrow cording of the material or a narrow draped girdle. The skirt may be laid In one-half-inch tucks all around, finished at the lower edge with a plain fifteen or twenty inch flounce, or It may be made with a wide panel in both front and back and circular side portions. Variety of design is obtained by the addition of applied yokes of contrasting material cut in many original shapes, the same material trimming the sleeves. —Harper’s Bazar.

IN MOUSSELINE DE SOIE.

This waist is of black mousseline de sole tucked all over and trimmed underneath with a band of gold lace, which shows through the mousseline de sole. Both the front and back of the waist are bordered with black satin; the corslet and the bottoms of the sleeves are of embroidery, and the sleeves are edged with the satin. The collar and cuffs are of venise lace, the cravat of black satin.

The New Tunic.

The latest fashionable freak of the tunic so persistently present is one of color. From a veil of clouds it baa evolved into a white mist and the result it quite sufficiently striking to satisfy the most ardent cultivator of the unique. One of the handsome creations carrying out this idea was a dark blue satin with a tunic of sheerest white tulle three-quarter length. A band of heavily embroidered tulle, into which were Introduced hints of blue and -gold, finished the tunic, which was belted in at the waist with a black, blue and gold cord ending in heavy tassels. v

Short Tunics Seen.

While the short tunic seemed, doomed to a short life last season, it has again been incorporated in the new garments and has the indorsement of Worth, says the Dry Goods Economist. This effect is brought out In some of the smartest gowns, when the waist and abort tunic are made In one-

HAPPENINGS IN THE CITIES

Town Has First Wedding in Fifty Years

BOSTON. —Breaking the spell of 50 years' standing, during which there has not been a single marriage in the town. Miss Laura R. Schutt and Rev. Milton Whittier were wedded the other day in the village of Mount Washington, Mass. Every inhabitant of the town - turned out to attend the wedding. The romance of the young clergyman and the farmer’s daughter is one fraught with an interest which has sunk deep into the hearts of all the folk in the neighboring towns. Only a little over a year ago Mr. Whittier graduated from the Yale Theological school, and came to the village of Mount Washington, to begin his career in the humble little Congregational church. It was always Miss Schutt’s habit to attend church but when Rev. Mr. Whittier came to the town and took the position of pastor of the church for a season, Miss Schutt

Wife Made Home Moving Picture Show

NEW YORK. —Moving pictures, Samuel Denton admits, may be all right when thrown on a'”whlte screen, but when they’re reproduced in one’s home, he feels sure, the thrills become too Intense to be pleasant. Denton Is a - produce merchant of Brook- . lyn, ’And -he lives with his -wife and* their two grown children in that borough. His objections to mixing film dramas into his domestic affairs were explained in detail before Magistrate McGuire in the Flatbush court, whither Denton was called on a summons obtained by his wife, charging brutality to their son. The produce merchant’s small frame fairly quivered with indignation as he told of the trouble caused by moving pictures between himself and Mrs. Denton, who weighs about two hundred pounds and is correspondingly muscular. Since the biograph craze hit her, the husband said, he not only has suffered from lack of proper nourishment, but also has been made the victim of various supposedly comic scenes copied from the picture shows. To the same evil Denton laid his daughter's elopement and his own interest in boxing lessons. It was in teaching the youngster what he knew about the manly art that the father committed the “brutality” com-

Thief Talks Clerk Out of Rare Gems

CHICAGO. —Chicago talk, the limpid flow of words, netted a smooth diamond swindler more than SI,OOO a minute for four minutes the other day. The victims are a Michigan avenue jewelry store, and an affable clerk is trying to explain to his employers how he has lived in Chicago for fifteen years and can not recognise a real conversationalist when he jumps up before the jewel case. The missing diamond is valued at $4,250. The customer alighted from a big six-passenger touring car and rushed into the store. “I am just leaving town and I must have a twin for this little stone,” he exclaimed. The purchaser was dressed in the height of fashion. He had every appearance of affuence and spoke with a decidedly English accent His hair was gray, his eyes blue, his face

Dental Work Makes Dull Pupils Keen

CLEVELAND, O.—Scientific proof that proper care of the teeth Increased the mental efficiency of a squad of pupils at Marlon school a grand average of 80 per cent, and produced incalculable Improvement in their moral and physical condition is contained In the recent report which Dr. W. G. Ebersole read before the delegates of the National Dental association here. For the first time in the history of dentistry scientific data which cannot be disputed are compiled to prove that stupidity, lack of ambition, slovenliness, bad temper and many other Ills to which the pupil Is heir, are traced directly to neglected teeth. One girl pupil, whom physicians found to be mentally defective showed a gain of 444 per cent in mental efficiency, the report shows, after following the rules of oral hygiene for a lit tie over a year. Hera Is only one of a score of remarkable cases. ~ Children who came from fairly good homes gained from 30 to 40 per cent, mentally, while the average ghetto child improved from 50 to 100 , per

attended the church, so *tls said, with an added zest. Not a single Sunday did she miss while the young minister held forth from the narrow pine pulpit. Soon the young minister began to notice her from the pulpit. Frequently their eyes met At first the girl’s eyes dropped at his earnest gaze. Miss Schutt had not been out of school long, having been graduated but a few years from the high school at Great Barrington. , " Mr. Whittier came to the Schutt house and traveled many a toilsome mile in order that he might see the young woman who had so attracted him In the church. Before the.summer was over It was reported that they were engaged, and it was very little time after the rumor started that the entire population of Mount Washington were apprised of It Then arrangements were made for the wedding. Great arrangements they were, too. Every person in the township accepted the invitation and" offered any assistance they might be able to give in preparing the church. When It was over, the bride and groom went away to the groom’s home in Brookfield Center, Conn., where they expect to make their home.

z. plained of by Mrs. Denton. It consisted of sending the youth down for the count with a scientific body blow. “Your honor,” Denton said, “I’ve had scarcely a moment’s peace since my wife' began taking the children to moving picture shows. Not only do I have to eat cold or warmed over food because she forgets to get my supper when a new film is being shown, but I also have become the butt of all sorts of comic scenes, in which my wife takes the part of the funny fat woman, who gets a laugh by slapping her husband over the head with a coal scuttle or a rolling pin, or anything else that’s handy. Once when I protested too vigorously she worked in a grand climax by tossing a hot flatiron at my face.’’ The prisoner displayed a scar on his left cheek, which, he said, the hot iron caused. Magistrate McGuire discharged Denton forthwith.

pmoothly shaven and his figure erect The clerk yas all attention at once. “Certainly,” said the clerk, “ws have a duplicate of this diamond.” “Oh, no, no, that is not exactly it” said the stranger. “By the way, I have to be at the board of trade early. Big deal on.” “Well,” responded the clerk, “here is another stone. Diamonds have advance in price, you know, and. I Will have to charge you more for this than you paid for that one, I presume.” “Oh, really, you know the cost does not matter.” Theft he admitted it was exactly what he wanted. “Just lay that aside for me until noon,” he continued, “and I will arrange for payment And what will the bill be?" * The last remark came with a rare nonchalance that took the clerk completely off his feet “This stone will coot you $4,250,” stammered the clerk. “Oh, very well,” remarked the visitor. And he rushed to his waiting machine and vas whirled away into the great unknown. A few minutes later the clerk awakened to the fact that an imitation stone had been substituted.

cent Charts were taken of the mouths of 640 pupils and the worst forty selected. The school records of this number were tn nearly every case as bad as their mouths. Twenty-seven of the original squad underwent the whole test Their teeth were put in good shape; they were instructed how to eat and breathe and psychological tests were taken periodically. These tests Included memory, spontaneous association, addition, association by opposite* and quickness of perception. The Anal tests were taken last May and the results compiled. The oral hygiene experiment was inaugurated after medical Inspection in Marlon school for three years had failed to show perceptible improvement in the DUPIIS, -