Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 191, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 August 1911 — Page 2

Parker Brothers, I Bachelors

By SUSANNE GLENN

(Cecanisht, W i, by AModiM Uluur PnaO Wi : 4f>V ,V*j«V. V#.• w'V • v • v P Jason Parker pushed back his chair from the table, and looked about the room critically. “Come to think of it,** he observed •lowly, "things don’t look as they did when mother waa here." "Look pretty well considering hew %nsy we are outside all day,” answered his younger brother William. "That’s Just the point, Will! We re •used to It, and so we don’t notice what a rut we’re getting Into. What we need Is a woman in the house — I've felt it for a long ttme. And It appears to me that, seeing you are the younger and the handsomer of us. It’s your duty to get married. Ever think about it?" "Never," answered William. "Well, I mean what I say. I*ll give you six months to And a wife, and If you do not, I’m blamed If I don’t get married myself!" "Go ahead" said William.. "There are plenty of nice girls to choose from,” continued Jason. "There is Mary Bushnell, neat, pretty, and smart as a steel trap. I guess things would shine with her here!” "When I do get married,” William Interrupted curtly, "I shall choose my own girl!" "Oh, to be sure; I just mentioned her as an example! Tou'd better think over what I say." To his annoyance, William found that he did think! But not of the capable Mary Bushnell. . "I can see what would happen to us If Mary was to come here,’’ he said to himself as he hoed corn in the lower lot that afternoon. "She gave me her opinion the other evening. She believes in modern things and means to have them!’ I guess Jason will have to do the marrying if any la done!" "But,” whispered a persistent voice. "Mary Bushnell isn’t the only girl who would make « good farmer’s Wife. Do you mean to say you intend

“She Gave Me Her Opinion.”

to let it girl's white hands, and bright hair that is combed as farm women do not comb theirs, blind you to other charms?" continued the voice, maddeningly. “She has fine clothes and a lively time there in town. The Judge's family trust her, and depend on her as if she belonged to them. What would she care about you and your quiet, old-fashioned home up here among the hills?" William groaned at the impossibility of it How had he come to let a slip*of a girl like Lucy Redding get such a hold on him? *Tve Just got to forget it," he said at last “but I can never marry any other girl!" When William Parker walked, a few days later, into the judge's side porch and rang the euorbell, his heart :beat tumultously. The door opened, and the pretty little maid stood before him. “Oh. Mr. Parker, you have brought more eggs; lunr sorry to tell you we shall not need them.'* The eyes she raised to his filled suddenly with tears. "What is the trouble V asked William in ’his direct manner. The girl .stepped out, closing the door after her. "Sit down," she motioned to a chair. M've just got to talk with someone, and you—have always been so kind." William sat down, dumbly. *Tt really isn’t anything so dreadful." she tried to say cheerfully. "It simply means I am out of a place! The family have gone away for Mrs. Russel's health, and the house Is to be cloeed today." "But there must be plenty of other people who will want you." stammered William. "There are no other houses like this, in this small place, you see.” she explained, smiling at his distress. *T expect to go to work in the factory tomorrow —you know I have my mother to care for." “But that is Impossible." cried Parker. "There is a place I could go to, in the country," she continued, strangely comforted by his interest; "but I cannot leave mother alone." “And you would go T incredulously. “Indeed yes, if I could!” "Then Lucy, will yon—” He paused, confused by his own audacity. Lucy looked at him, and s beaut!

"Can that be true, dear?" he cried, taking her hands. "I thought I waa too rough and plain for you; I never dared drum yon would eare tor *me 'Will yoh marry me today, Lucy, and let me take care of you and your mother?” "Oh, no,” breathed Lucy, "not —today!" “Listen, dear girl. I’rc loved you tor weeks, but I could not bring myself to tell you because I thought there was no hope. I cannot have you in that dreadful factory, child. Come home with me today, and as soon as she can get ready we will come back after your mother." Lucy laughed nervously. "But I never heard of such a thing." she persisted. "Well, you never were married before, were you?” Not until he led his wife Into the pleasant old-fashioned farm house did William Parker consider the condition of his housekeeping. ”1 ought not to have brought you here,” he said contritely, “until I had had things put to rights a little, poor girl!” “But it looks very well considering the time you spent in the house," declared Lucy stoutly. “And what a delightful room!” They went over the house together. “Oh, I love it already," cried the girl. “You’ve no idea how proud I am of these lovely old-fashioned things." “You must fix things to suit yourself," said the husband proudly. "I would not change a thing for the world; it is too dear and homelike as it is!” Jason Parker paused in amazement at the kitehen door; Supper was nearly ready, in the big kitchen that somehow wore a changed aspect. “Come in, Jason, and meet my wife,” called his brother cheerfully: “We thought we’d have supper ready by the time you came up.” Jason walked in. “I —I hope you’ll be very happy,” he managed to 6tammer, before he darted back toward the barn. “He —didn’t like it!” cried Lucy. “Indeed he did —he ■ as only surprised, as well he might be.” declared her husband. "I will go out and see him, dear." “I’ve taken your advice,’’ said William. when he found his brother in the harness room. "I see you have,” answered Jason. “But, great Scott, man, I never thought of your doing it! I was simply trying to break the ice to tell you that Mary and I had decided to get married, Christmas!"

DANGER IN MERE SOUNDS

French Actress Thought She Was Being Insulted When Russian Asked for Cloak.

A Russian who, although he has been some time in Paris, knows little or nothing of the French language, has just been sentenced to a month’s Imprisonment for having assaulted a policeman. He had also been accused of having insulted the agent of the law, but he was acquitted on that count after an explanation from his counsel that the word which the policeman regarded as objectionable was also a Russian word, and perfectly innocent By way of emphasizing his argument Maitre Longuet related an amusing anecdote. A few months ago a Parisian actress, who was performing at a St. Petersburg theater, was Invited to dejeuner by a grand duke. On hearing a furious exclamation, followed by the noise of a couple of slaps a moment after her arrival he rushed into the hall to see what waa going on. - “What is the matter?” he asked. "Your servant is an impudent fellow," she replied; “he ran up to me when I came in and called me horrid | names.” “What did he say?” the grand duke inquired, considerably puzzled. Then she repeated a couple of words which are dreadfully abusive In French. The unlucky man had simply asked her for her cloak in his own tongue, and the sounds were so very similar that she imagined she was being insulted, and resented this in a spirited 1 manner. The judge was greatly amused, and the counsel gained his point

Duke Was No Common Man.

Two of Britain’s greatest fighters. Lord Nelson, the hero of Trafalgar, and the duke of Wellington, nicknamed "Old Nosey,” met but once in their lives, and that meeting occurred in the little Sail of 10 Downing street. Beside the quaint old fireplace there they entered into a general conversation. and Nelson was so Impressed with the duke that he asked a servant who was the man with the striking nose. "MaJ. Oen. Sir Arthur Wellesley, my lord,” replied the servant, astounded m the' sailor's ignorance. "Ah!” said Nelson. "I thought he was no common man." —Oscar FTichet. in “No. 10 Downing Street.” National Magazine.

Talking Shop.

“Not married yet?" exclalmedd Baron Fucash. "I don't see what can be the matter with these Americana Ton have one of the finest titles on the lint!” "Yes.' replied Lord Luwus; “but I have noticed that our worst titles are frequently our best sellers."

The Signal.

Mrs. Hamler —I don’t see the Darts' parlor lit up on Wednesday evenings any more. Mrs. Kaboux —Then It most be true that Oracle Is engaged.

MONSTER OF THE DEEP SEA

Some Strange Living Creatures That Inhabit the Dark Abyssea of the Ocean.

The ocean water at depths of a mile or more is so dense, and Its pressure is so great, that glass bottles forced down into it are crushed to powder and tubes of metal are twisted and flattened out of shape. Yet living creatures inhabit these dense and heavy depths. From the underworld of the sea, where the pressure is two and a half tons to the square inch, the explorers’ dredges bring up curious fishes, with bodies constructed with special reference to this environment of weight Their bony and muscular systems are not fully developed; the bones are permeated with pores and Assures. The calcareous matter is at a minimum, and the bones of the vertebrae are joined together so loosely that the larger fishes often fall apart while being lifted out of the water. The muscles are all thin, and the connective tissue seem almost wanting. Yet these fishes are able to dart about and capture their prey. It Is another interesting fact that no light penetrates these ocean abysses—all below 1,200 feet being total darkness —and this necessitates another adaptation of the deep-sea Inhabitants. They carry lanterns. Many of these deep-aea fish hare special organs upon their sides and heads that are known to possess a luminous quality. One of the largest of these deepsea torch bearers is a fish six feet long, with a tail dorsal fin extending nearly the entire length of the body. Along the sides of the body is a double row of luminous scales. One of the most ferocious of these deepsea forms has a mouth full of teeth that protrude In a most formidable manner. The flna are all -tipped with flaming spots, while along the dorsal surface extends a row of spots that appear like so many windows through which light is shining. The little fishes called “Bombay ducks” are luminous over their entire surface, and when numbers are collected together they present an a*tonishing spectacle. Another specieß has h jaw so arranged that it can seize fish twice its size and easily swallow them. Its stomach has the elastic quality qf India rubber. It stretches to enormous proportions, and appears like a great transparent balloon hanging under the fish, and containing Its prey. The last expedition sent out, by the prince of Monaco brought to light some remarkable forms. The dredge off Morocco brought up from a depth of one and a half miles a fish that apeared to be all head or mouth. It was of small size, and the length of the mouth was about four-fifths of the entire body; so that if the body had been severed behind the head it and two or three like it could have been stowed away in its capacious pouch. It probably moves very slowly, scooping mud and ooze into its mouth, sifting out the animal parts and rejecting the rest. —Harper’s Weekly.

No Time to Scold.

A western physician has two children. Ernest and Alice, aged nine arid eleven, respectively. Recently the doctor and his wife made a r week-end trip to the country, leaving the children at home with the servants. They were to return Monday night on a train due at 10 o’clock. The children wanted to meet them at the depot, and of course received very definite instructions not to do so. When the parents arrived at 11:30, their train being an hour and a half late, they were surprised to find Ernest and Alice waiting for them, and all alone. The mother rushed forword to expostulate, but was cut off by the shrill voice of Alice crying, “Hurry up, mother. Dop’t stop to talk. The taxi’s bp to |7.60 already!”—Harper’s Magazine.

The Gallant Corespondent.

Mme. Sarah Bernhardt, in an interview in Reno, praised her Reno audiences. “They are the most brilliant and the most intelligent,'.’ she "Said, "that you can Imagine. The women's jewels glittered, and the men’s wit shone." Mme. Bernhardt laughed gaily. "One of these men was presented to me." she said, “between the acts. He had been, by-the-way, corespondent in eight suits. Well, his compliments were so glowing that at last I cried: "But, monsieur, remember, I am 66 years o^J!” " ‘Madame,’’ he replied, ‘to me you are just S 3. For I, seared as lam by scandal, am too charitable ever to believe more than half what I hear.’**

Girls and Ball.

John J. McOraw, at a baseball banquet in Pittsburg, said of a baseball man: "His ignorance of ball is astonishing. It is ss bad as a girl’s. "A girl once said to me: "'1 adore baseball. I have a brother, you know, who plays on the Yalo team.’ “ 'What does he play?* said L "She hesitated. “‘Well,’ she said. *1 forget Just for the moment, whether he’s a foul tip or a high fly.’”

Incomplete.

“There's nothing In my play to bring a blush in anybody's cheek,” said the author. "Well.” replied the producer, “bring the manuscript around when you get It finished "

STRUNK WAS THE GOAT

BACHELOR NO LONGER 18 AID OF MARRIED FRIENDS. Ha Finds That for Years Their Wives Have Been Taught to Blame Him for Leading Husbands Astray,

A bachelor living just off Times square. New York—who shall be called Strunk for anonymity’s sake—has been cored of certain ideas he had of doing favors for wives of husbands afflicted with too much of what is often called good-fellowship. He has long been noted among his friends for his propensity to take care of married friends when in their cups and see that they got home safely and at a reasonable hour. It was one of these friends —Banks for anonymity—whom he encountered in Times square recently. Banks had evidently cast off responsibility and Btrunk was Immediately solicitous. He had seen Mrs. Banks and had admired her as a woman of beauty and refinement. His solicitations, however, were met with the rollicking: “My wife's in the country. Don’t you care.” Nevertheless, Strunk, as was his habit, did care. He inveigled the waiter at a case to serve an antidote for liquor aa a substitute for a rickey and then had black coffee brought forward. By the early hour of 11 o’clock responsibility was again beginning to perch on the shoulders of Banks. Suddenly he started. “What day’s this?” he asked. “Thursday," answered Strunk. “Gee-whillikens,” gasped Banks, "I forgot My wife wsb to get in on the nine o’clonk train and I was to meet her." “Well, I guess she’s home all right,” said Strunk comfortingly. “Home?” gasped Banks. “The house is boarded up and I’ve got the keys and her folks are all out of town.” Strunk was a man of action. He called for a taxicab and they were soon driving ..along a street in the West Eighties. In the block he saw several parties still out on stoops. As the chauffeur finally slowed up Strunk saw another stoop party, a woman guarding two children. Banks alighted and insisted that Strunk also should do so and meet his family. As he went up'the steps he said Ingratiatingly; “My dear, I want you to meet Mr. Strunk." “Mrs. Banks was really refined, freezingly so. “I have heard of Mr. Strunk,” was all she said, looking at anything but at him. Banks fished out his keys and gave them to her and she entered the house. Then Banks laughed hysterically. Strunk failed to see any cause for merriment and said so. “You’re the goat,” Banks finally puffed out. “I’ve been telling her for years that you’re the one that gets me off the wagon—and now she’s sure of it, and she’ll be mad at you, not me.” Strunk in the taxicab on his way back hardened his heart.

Very Practical Arithmetic.

Mental arithmetic on a melting day —and while the cool river gleamed tantalizingly from the schoolroom win* dow! No wonder that small minds grew confused under the strain, and small calculators calculated with even smaller success. “Now, boys,” said the jovial dominie, who was himself aching for a swim, “here’s your last problem today. See If any of you can get it right Suppose I have a piece of beefsteak.” The boys supposed it obediently. “And suppose I cut it into sixteen parts. What would you call those pieces?” “Sixteenths!” piped a dozen voices. “Right!” exclaimed the dominie, “And r uppose each of these pieces were cut again into four .pieces, what would they be?” A dead, awful silence reigned, while the small brains worked desperately. Suddenly a hand was held up, and one of Ihe lightning calculators cried: “Hash!”

A Bitter Controversy.

The Shakespeare-Bacon controversy formed the subject of debate at a well known theatrical school not long ago. On both sides the orators were would be actresses, and pro and con the discussion was feminine and furious. It seemed at first that the ardent partisanship of the fair opponents would preclude the possibility of harmonious conclusion; but the last speaker, In the nervousness of her first public speech, suggested common ground. “Ladles,” she said, speaking rapidly, “I think there has been much misapprehension as to the real truth of the Baconian theory. I stand ready to show that the great plays we know so well were written not by Shakespeare or by Bacon, but by Bacon and Shakespeare In collision!” Amid laughter and applause the debate was declared a He. }

Knows How to Use it

Man with the squint—Have you any safety appliances on your auto? Man with the goggles—Tea, there's a speedometer—the little jlgmarea, yon know, that tells how fast you’re going. That’s saved me many a fine.

Their Classification. "What do you think of the collection of Inventions yon see at Washington?” “That many of them are patent ah surdities.”

THE SHOPLIFTER

'When Maj. Hyde bid lived for tWo months In the place he had bought on the Hudson, the most that hla nearest neighbor knew of him was that he had retired from the army; that he was a widower; that he had a handsome daughter 20 years old who seemed devoted to him; that he was irascible and cranky; that he disputed his tradesmen’s bills, and that he was fond of s sailing a catboat that he owned. On the major’s part, all he knew about his nearest neighbor, who was the Widow Harper, was that she was very touchy about her hens, or his dog trespassing on her property, that she had a son at college or in South Africa, he didn’t care which; that she claimed that the line fence between them was a foot over on her land, and that on two separate and distinct occasions she had ordered a servant to scald his dog. There was no neighboring between the neighbors. In fact, they had not even seen each other at the end of those two months. The widow was waiting for her son Burt to come home from a trip to the west to ask him if the green apples that had fallen from her trees over on the major's land thereby reverted to him, and the major was waiting for his dog to come home and complain of having been scalded while prowling around the widow’s kitchen door. Then any fuss he raised would be sure to have the backing of his daughter, Edith, who knew his disposition thoroughly and had kept him out of many rows. On a certain August morning this was the situation on the Hudson. Major Hyde and his daughter were out in the catboat with a good breeze blowing. Burt Harper, who had arrived home the previous afternoon and settled the green apple question, was out hi his catboat working up a muscle. He had taken no particular notice of a catboat containing a man and a girl, and its occupants had taken no particular notice of a rowboat with a broad-shouldered young man of 23 pulling the oars. At that point the Hudson is wide enough and big enough for a hundred catboats and rowboats to perform all sorts of maneuvers without colliding, but the unforeseen is always happening. The catboat was heading across the river with her starboard tacks aboard and the major at the helm, when Miss Edith gave a sudden cry of alarm, and the next moment there was a crash. Young Mr. Harper, without any tacks aboard, but pulling for all he was worth to get the kinks out es his spine, had plumped into the other craft. As he was taking a course of law at Harvard, afcd had got as far as John vs. Doe. he could have explained matters had the major given him time. But the major wouldn’t. He had learned in war that the quicker and more vigorously you jump on your enemy the sooner you have him conquered, and he rose up and blasted the young man in the rowboat. If .any damage had been done it was to the latter craft, but that made no difference to the major. He did not swear in the presence of his daughter, nor did he pull off his coat and double up his fists. He simply used sarcasm that cut and hurt He had something to say about little boys being intrusted out in boats by their mothers, and dunderheads who thought they had. the whole Atlantic ocean to row in, and he politely Inquired if Mr. Harper Intended to run down the “Mary Powell” on her next trip up and drown all her passengers. Mr. Harper turned red and apologized. He looked from the major to his daughter and apologized again. It was his fault, and he admitted it, and —he apologized some more. The major had no pity, but the young man thought he saw a gleam of it in Miss Edith’s eyes before she turned away her head. The soldier held him for five minutes, doing most of the talking and. enjoying: his confusion, and then let him go with the observation:

“And now, sir, if you have got a mamma, and you think you can get back to her without help, I should advise yern to head for shore and spare any canal boat that may happen to get in your way.” At that hour the Hydes did not know young Harper as Harper, and he didn’t know them aa the Hydes. He made his way to shore in his leaky boat, and as he sat down on a stranded log he felt that he would give a thousand dollars In cash to lick some one—some one about the size and build of the major when he was in his prime. The words had hurt, but the fact that they had been spoken before the girl was humiliating. He had decided from the first that they were father and daughter, and aftdr gritting his teeth for half an hour he made up his mind that nothing cotild be done In the case and went off home. “Esther, 1 think you were wrong.” said Edith in quiet tones as the young man rowed away. "What’s that? Wrong? How can I be wrong?*’ replied the major. “According to sailing instructions, when you are sailing free other crafts must look out for you. You were not sailing free.” “But If he had known enough to look over his shoulder he must have seen us.” “And If 1 had been on the lookout, as I ought to have been, I should have seen him. No doubt he knew that you were wrong, and yet be apologised.”

By JAMES NORTON

“Wrong? Wrong? I tell you I wasn't wrong. Hardee’s Tactics say that when you meet another —when, you are marching by the right flank —when the head of the column—” v , Edith smiled as he paused. He thought he could sail a boat by the same tactics that drilled a regiment He subsided in some confusion, and the youpg man and the accident were not again mentioned. There were scores of young men sailing and rowing on the river dally, and why should this one prove to be the son of their widowed neighbor. On reaching home the major went out and looked at those withered green apples that had fallen on his side of the line and generously decided not to claiiq them, and Miss Edith sought a book and her hammock and wondered if the young man was looking at her all the time she was looking at the opposite bank out of consideration for his feelings. She finally concluded that such was probably the case, and was surprised to find herself a bit pleased. On the succeeding day the major and a party of friends sailed up the river for a little outing, while Miss Edith was driven to the village and went into the city to do some shopping. She had frequently made such trips alone. The father had no objections to urge, as it cultivated a spirit of self-reliance, but he had several times said to her: “If you ever get into any trouble in the city just say that you are the daughter of Maj. Hyde, late of the Seventeenth. That will be sufficient” There was trouble ahead for the young lady, but it did not come until afternoon. She had made some purchases at two or three stores, had her lunch, and was just leaving another store after looking, over some goods, when a hand was laid on her arm and a quiet voice said: “Beg pardon, young lady, but you will have to come with me.” It was a man. In fact, it was the store detective, as Miss Edith was soon informed. He had been told by one of the salesgirls that she had secreted goods under her jacket She at first indignantly and then tearfully denied the allegation. She at first hotly refused to follow him to the manager’s office, and then, bethought her of her father’s admonition and drew herself up stiffly and announced: “Sir, I am the daughter of Maj. Hyde, late of the Sevententh!" The man replied that she might be the daughter of a general for all he cared, and just then two things happened. A policeman came through the store and stopped to say that he would take the girl to the station, and at the same moment the young man of the rowboat pushed his way into the crowd and stood beside her and said that he would accompany her. He was sure there was a mistake, but he also saw that the easiest way out, and the one to avoid notoriety, was to accompany the officer. A cab was called and the station reached, and a search by the matron proved that the charge was without the slightest foundation. The prisoner was ret at liberty, and many apologies, and with a suit of damages against the store if the major wanted to press it, and the young man called another cab and drove Miss Edith to the depot She was in tears, and he did not disturb her. He simply went ahead and did things. It was only when she found herself on the train homeward bound with Hr. Harper beside her that she rallied and looked him in the face and sajd: “You —you are the young man of the

rowboat?” “Just so. My name Is Harper, son of Mrs. Nelson Harper of Irvington.” “Why, I live there. I am Miss Hyde, daughter of Maj. Hyde.” > Two days later the major appeared at the widow’s house and asked for Burt When he had shaken hands with the young man and tendered his thanks he added: “Sir, I was wrong in regard to that collision. I am something of a crank. Also, something of an ass. Please overlook it and come over after your green apples and lot Edith thank you again. She can’t speak too highly of your conduct In the affair In town the other day.” There will be only one question between the major and his son-in-law, vis.: Should a sailboat be maneuvering according to Hardee’s army taotics, or should it go .skipping along hi any old way? Watchdog Over $102,000,000,000. Charles A. Hanna, Just named as chief examiner of the Clearing House association, will enact the role of watch-dog over $102,000,000,000 represented by the New York bankers. His salary Is to be SIO,OOO a year, and he will direct a corps of trained accountants. By his appointment the association hopes to make a repetition of the Morse, Walsh and Heinze banking scandals impossible. Practically Mr. Hanna’s position will be similar to the one he recently resigned as national bank examiner in the New York district He was born j In Cadiz, Ohio, In 1863, did not have ; time to go to college, and has -been in the banking business more or less all I his life. He la a slender, tquarei shouldered man; and if he has a fad It la automobfling. To take up the strain more evenly a Swedish Inventor has produced eleotric cables with hempen cores.