Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 55, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 March 1911 — Page 2

CATHERED SMILES

WHY ME REMAINED AWAY. w W£ere you sick yesterday, Mr. Bobbson?” asked the bead of the firm. * “Ho, sir" replied the chief clerk. “Well, I didn't notice you at your desk.” * * “Ho, sir. 1 didn't come down town.” “ITm. You know the rule here, do you not? No employe is permitted to be absent without k good excuse—sickness or an accident or something of that sort. I can’t permit you to take liberties that are not enjoyed by other people who work in i this establishment. I never am absent myself unless there Is a very good reason. Did you stay away for pleasure or on some other account.” “I shall tell you the truth, Mr. Budlong. It was for pleasure.” “Bad, sir—very bad. I cannot permit it." "But, let me explain. You see. my wife was so hoarse that she couldn’t talk, and I thought I’d like to spend the day at home.” “Oh, in that case, my boy, it s all right. Pardon me if I seemed to be arbitrary.”

TO SUIT ALL.

Aunt Mary—Can I gat things to eat in this store? Floor Walker —Interior furnißhings. madam, second floor.

Taken Literally.

A monkey oped a bootblack stand. Where the boa-constrictor twines. And the denizens of Jungle Land All praised his monkey-shines.

The Brazen Culprit.

Ad eastern man was charged with stealing a Christmas kiss without mistletoe sanction and asked The judge if he couldn’t testify in his own behalf. “Go ahead,” said his honor. “Well, all I have to say is," remarked the brasen culprit, “that no matter what you fine me the kiss {wasn’t worth It!” Whereupon the plaintiff fainted and 'the judge said ten days.

Letting a Good Thing Pass.

“Will you have coffee?” asked her hostess. "No,” she replied; *‘l think I shall have to give It up. People say it is bad for the complexion.” “Oh, well, what of it? You can fix your complexion up again, but it may be a long time before you shall have a chance to get another cup of coffee as good as this.”

Indifferent.

“What was Constable Miggs doin’ up on th’ stage durin’ the entertainment?” “Th* dum’d ol’ Idiot was insistin’ thet Jim Peters should have his Santa Claus whiskers fireproofed." “■What did Jim say?” “He said he’d worn ’em thirty year without fireproofin’ an' he didn't care a dern whether they burned or not!”

A Miscalculation.

Caller —You’re Kitty Mclntosh, are you? I know Letty Mclntosh; she is your first cousin, is she not? Little Girt —No, ma’am; she’s my fourth. I’ve got three others.

OVERWHELMED.

Dorothy—So you not going to make any new year resolutions? May—No. I fully meant to make a few. But when I announced my Intention the members of my family had so many suggestions to offer that I grew discouraged.

Sensible Girl.

The count. !n truth, wag very poor And something of a clown; Although he whispered. "Je t' adore,” Miss Money turned him down.

Evident.

Esther—Did the Lid leys ..marry for love or money? Rachel —I don’t know that they married for either; but It is pretty evident that neither has got either.

Taking No Chances.

“I’ll bet 1 can guess your age " “Don’t you dare!" “Why not?” “I have been told that vou alwaya apeak the truth.”

TRUE MELODY. On a frosty winter morning. When we waken from a dream. Oh. there’s nothing half so pleasant As the gurgle of the steam In a purring radiator, i Which, somehow, just -seems to say: “Doji’t you mind about the weatherLet me drive the cold away.” Ah. 'tis music even sweeter Thar, the swelling organ's tones. If yffu dread the tooth of winter And a chill Is in your bones; For the organ lulls your'Bensee. But the steam pipes make you warm; And. methinKs,’ mid tempests howling, Nothing else hath greater charm. Even like to hear them thumping. If it doesn’t last too long, For that shows they’re getting busy And the steam is coming strong. But to hear them simmer, simmer. When the heat begins to flow. On a frosty morn in winter. Is the sweetest sound I know!

His Loving Wife.

“There are several places in London,” safid the minister, as lie laid aside his paper, “where preachers can buy sermons which they are permitted to use. I’ve Just been reading about If.” “Dear me!” exclaimed his wife. “What won’t they be selling next? Why don’t you send for a few good ones, dear? Your congregation might like the change." -y

No Reason to Worry.

"I once played the part of Venus in a pantomine,” said the lady who showed her age and was beginning to have a mustache. “W’oll, I wouldn’t let it worry me,” replied the one who was still fair to look upon. “Venus was oftly a myth, so, of course, you didn’t hurt her feel-/ ings.”

May Happen So.

"Paw, is there any difference between timber and lumber?” “There is no necessary difference in kind, my son; they differ merely in degree or stage of development For example, a man may be spoken of as good timber for some high office, and yet represent nothing but lumber when he gets there.”

Failed to Figure.

Millers —I understand that the contractor who made so much money feeding the miners in Goldtown went east and failed in business. Antley—Yes, the ignoramus secured a contract, based on his Goldfield data, for feeding the pupils of a woman’s university.”

SHE STARTS THEM.

Dick —There's one thing about Louise —she never repeats stories about her women friends. Ethel —Repeats! No, Indeed; she starts them.

Happiness Before Dyspepsia.

Bacon —The darkest hour Is just before the dawn, they say. Egbert—Yes, and a man’s happiest moments are just before he’s miserable. “How do you make that out?” “Why. haven’t you ever noticed how happy a man is when he's eating something which is sure to disagree with him?”—Yonkers Statesman.

The Outcome.

“I told him he was dead foolish to be engaged to three girls simultaneously.” “How did it turn out?” •'As you might expect. His expenses were such that he got so far behind with his board that he had to marry his landlady.”

Boosting Sales.

“A married woman says in print that safety razors are no good as can openers." * “Some manufacturer of safety razors must have paid her a fancy price for that testimonial.”

A Philanthropist.

When asked to give He’d ne’er think twice. But all he’d give Was good advice.

Might Hop.

"We want your Vise to run for e position on the school board." “She can’t." “Why not?” “She wears a hobble.”

An Indignant Critic.

"Do you approve of the board’* plana for the school curriculum?” "What! Have they got one of them whiu wagons, too?”

MOTOR SHIP FEARED

Experts Skeptical About 36,000 Horsepower Engines. •I i . ■ Many Difficulties Will Have to Be Overcome Before Warships Can. Be Successfully Propelled by New System. • London. —It is now some tlpie since a statement, appeared in the Journal called Motor Boat to the effect that motor engines of 36,000 aggregate horse power are building in England, and that they are to be installed In a battleship of the Dreadnought type shortly to be laid down. Since this announcement tfas made a good many shrewd observers in the scientific world have been looking about to dis cover where these engines, which are aid to be of the two-stroke Diesel type, are being constructed, but up to tho present no trace of them has been found. Neither is anything definite known about the engines for a French motordrivpn battleship- which, according to the same authority, will be completed aud In commission in advance of the British vessel. In fact, these two ships appear to be in a precisely similar condition to the motor-driven monitor, which the Vorwarts recently asserted was building for Germany. The actual construction of that vessel, like these later ones spoken of in the Motor Boat was, It may be remembered, vouched for at the time. It is not surprising in these circumstances that there is a great deal of skepticism shown In regard to the whole story. But because It has been found impossible to discover the manufacturers of the engines of these alleged motor driven battleships for Great Britain, France and Germany It would be unscientific and illogical tp assume that they do not exist. At the same time it shows the difficulty that there is in obtaining precise particulars about these wonderful assertions of scientific improvements. If there is one thing more than another demanded in mechanical science it is the nlfcessity of exactness, and all this vagueness about place, time and other essential details only carries doubt to the mind of the engineer. In an article recently published was outlined the progress that had been

EVERY MAN A HOBO

Doubters Are Told to Visit Chicago Coffee Line. Malcolm McDowell Asks How Many People Have Bank Balance of $5 Left After Paying Their Just Debts. ' “ « ... *"■ Chicago.—How many men apparently prosperous, could stand a heavy loss and have money in the bank after settling all bills? Malcolm McDowell, Jr., in an address before the Haeckel Fellowship club said their bank balance probably would be less than Most men. in fact, are potential hobos, he claimed. He pointed out it was only a step from a comfortable apartment to his coffee line at Jefferson and West Madison streets. Mr. McDowell then defined such terms as “hobo,” “carry the banner,” “Hogan's flop,” and “the overcoatless brigade.” “When I speak of a hobo,” said Mr. McDowell, “I do not mean a tramp who will work and there are more of these in our midst than we realize. Chicago can’t decently take care of 480 of them. “Take the question home to yourself. They are men of our own class, many of them only temporarily unforI tunate and too proud to appeal for help. This is not a woman’s work; i It’s a man's work; and we must solve ; it sooner or later, and the sooner the better for us. “How many of you could stand a heavy loss? How many o* you have a bank balance of more than 5a when everything is settled? “We ride around in automobiles and make a big show and live up to our income. That is just what many of these men do. Can we blame them for doing something that we do ourselves? This question faces us and we must do something. “We meet and pass sentimental resolutions, and at the same time i some charitable organization says don’t pass out money indiscriminately. “I would rather give away ten quarters and be imposed upon nine times than to miss the last fellow that : needs the money. We must come i home to the cause if we expect any I good to result. What do our resolutions amount to? They are like a soft drink on a cold morning. “The coffee line is a place on the west side where hundreds of poor men are given good coffee every night. Go over there and watch the line file by from 9 o'clock at night until 1 o’clock in the morning. You may see some of your friends there. “I met a member of the Chicago Press club there. I aim met a man there who lives less than three blocks ifrom where I do. He had an 585 a month apartment. He lost his job and didn’t have any money laid up. Fortunately he had his rent paid two months In advance. .He came to me after the line filed past one morning and asked me for some rolls to take

ROME’S NEW LAW COURTS OPENED

THE magnificent new Palace of Justice in Rome was formally opened and dedicated recently with much ceremony. The building 1b in every way worthy of the city in which practically the whole of modern European law originated.

made In the application of the internal combustion principle to warship requirements and the opinion was expressed that “when the change does come there is every reason to believe that it will first be seen in a British vessel, for, as was the case with the steam turbine, the authorities would not allow themselves to be outdistanced by a foreign naval power. For this reason their plans and intentions are kept as secret as possible.” Although Messrs. Vickers, Sons & Maxim have denied any knowledge of the motor driven warship being actually In hand, there are other firms on the admiralty list, like Yarrow and Thorny croft, which would no doubt be prepared to build a ship propelled by the new system. It was only last month that Lord Fisher, late First Sea Lord of the admiralty, expressed the opinion in an interview with newspaper representatives in New York that the country that first takes hold of the principle of internal combustion will sweep the world commercially. At present the marine motor is much further advanced in the mercantile marine world than for warship purposes, as is shown by the 9,000-ton 'steamship' which the Hamburg-Amer-lean line Is having built at Hamburg.

home to his wife, who had not tasted food for two days. “These are your own people. Are you going to allow it to continue?” asked Mr. McDowell. of the men in that line ‘carry the banner’ until morning. You don’t know what that means. It means that people of your own class have no place to lie down and sleep and have to walk the streets. They don’t even have the price of a ‘flop’ at Hogan’s. Of course you know that ‘Hogan’s flop’ means so much space for sleeping on a bare floor. “This is an overcoatless brigade. I have seen few overcoats among them.”

PARIS FREAK AD MAKES HIT

Curious Scheme to Attract Patrons to Music Hall in French Metropolis Is Success. Paris.—The story of “The Beautiful Lady,” by Booth Tarkington, has been recalled by the antics of a gentleman on the boulevards. He is dressed in severe mourning, top hat, and all, and would be quite inconspicuous were it not that he wears an American flag

BEAVER AND OTTER RETURN

Three Colonies of Former Now in Delaware Valley Waters—Latter In Pennsylvania. Philadelphia.—The return of the beaver and the otter to the Delaware valley region, from which both disappeared completely many years ago, is now established beyond any question. A pair of beavers were discovered dam building two years ago on a branch of the Equinunk creek, a tributary of the Delaware, in Wayne county, Pennsylvania, and now there are three'Solonies of* the Industrious little animals on those waters. On the upper reaches of the Navesink river. In Sullivan county, New York, a family of beavers have been at work for a year past building dams so persistently that several of the tributaries of that stream have been dammed. It is of Interest to note that the dams are nearly on the same spots where more than two generations ago be&vers were doing the same. In Sussex county. New Jersey, on a stream, flowing to the Delaware, a constantly Increasing beaver colony Is following the constructive promptings of its nature so industriously and persistently that farmers are protesting against the law which protects the animals, for their dam building is resulting in damages to farm land by the flooding back of the waters of the dams. Two otter were captured In Pike county, Pennsylvania, last fall, the first In fifty years. Three have been ■een In Sullivan county, one of them In Yorkshire, on the hills overlooking the Delaware at Lackawaxen. Signs of otter’ have alßo been Been in Delaware county, New York, around the

Its extension to ships of war presents peculiar difficulties, though there is no doubt that these will be overcome in course of time. It is noteworthy that the writer in the Motor Boat dealt only with the engines of the motor driven Dreadnought and not with the design of the vessel herself. Sir William White, one of the greatest naval constructors of the age, explained some time back that we have to deal with one of the most' perplexing problems that beset a naval designer when we come to the removal of weights which vitally affect a ship’s stability. The writer In the Motor Boat recognizes, it is true, that the saving in weight and space would be hardly sufficient to allow of extra guns to he carried, and he suggests that greater fuel storage accommodation will be provided, but he does not in any way indicate how the loss of the weight of boilers and engines below the water line is to be met. These and other similar questions will continue to agitate and interest the engineering world, but it is more likely that some solid contribution toward this important subject by some well known scientific authority will give us our first real light upon the new motor-driven battleship.

fashioned into a waistcoat, and talks and sings to himself or gesticulates frantically as he walks along. “Drunk,” “lunatic,” “an Englishman,” “an American,” are some of the expressions heard in the gathering crowd that rapidly accumulates in his walk. After half an hour of promiscuous promenading the supposed lunatic makes his way to a well-known music hall. At the box office he staggers in more demonstratively eccentric than ever and buys a seat. Ten per cent of his followers, hoping for some fun, buy stats, too. Once inside the hall the lunatic Bobers down instantly, and the anticipated fun in the house does not come off, whatever there may be on the stage. The lunatic is only a walking advertisement for the music hall. He is the latest Improvement on the gentleman who used to sit quietly down at a case, and then shout suddenly at the top of his voice: ,f Go all of you at once to the Lutetia Case concert, if you have any sense or taste and really want to be amused;” or that other variant who would politely stop you in the street, bow, and instead of asking you, as you expected, for a light or his way, whispered courteously and earnestly in your ear: “Monsieur, I urge you to spend your evening at the Blue Windmill. It is the best show in the world.”

headwaters of the river, where it is said trees have been felled in a manner that plainly indicates that the felling was done by beavers.

Hunt Coons With Train.

Birdsboro, Pa. —Catching raccoons from a freight train .was the unusual experience of John Cavanaugh, a brakeman on the Reading railway. While his freight was passing Modena, along the Brandywine, it being moon light, Cavanaugh saw the coon on the limb of a tree and pulled him down. After the animal was carried into the caboose he made a determined fight* and It was only with the aid of the train crew that the raccoon was finally dropped into a bag.

King Catalogues Coins.

Rome. —The first volume of a work by King Victor Emmanuel, entitled “Corpus Nummerum I tall co rum,” has just been published. It is the first general catalogue of Italian mediaeval and modern coins, with special reference to those minted by the House of Savoy. It comprises 432 pages and 42 sheets of illustrations. Half of the proceeds from the sale of this work will be devoted to benevolent institutions, and half to the Italian Numismatic Society.

Big Sea Serpent Found.

Paris.—An extraordinary sea monster, the species of which has hot yet been ascertained, has been captured in fishing nets near Toulon. The creature Is 18 feet long and weighs over 1,700 pounds. In its stomach were found what are apparently human remains. *„•

POINTED PARAGRAPHS.

Beauty unado£nefr is barely tolei* ted. Frowhs are free, but a smile costs 15 cents. Some men are born great—then they begin to shrink. ' ■* Not all gushing letters are written with fountain pens. Words are the making of wise men and the unmaking of fools. It isn’t the depth of love that counts so much as the length. * people seem to think that he who laughs loudest laughs best. Poets are born —probably for the benefit of waste basket manufacturers. How important a woman feels the first time she takes her baby to church! A woman’s inability to hold her tongue may be due to her natural weakness. To a woman a man’s life is a good deal like an open book—she can see only two pages. * It takes an exceptionally strongminded man to keep his fool streak under cover for thirty days. It’s awfully hard for a woman to understand why men do not like to nurse sick people and attend funerals. —Chicago Dally News.

GREENWOOD PHILOSOPHER.

Never trust a man who deceives himself. Hustle is the yeast that causes a man to rise in the world. A man never really enjoys good health who has never been sick. Love is frequently the result of two souls with but a single hammock. The ’chantecler is the name of a new drink. Sounds like a cocktail. The man who marries a widow must expect her to be onto all the old ex-* cuses. When an old maid says she is sin gle from choice, the natural inquiry is, “Whose choice?” Some men are almost as punctilious about dressing for dinner as though they might be a salad. A runaway automobile can do almost as much damage as a bunch ol women with hatpins at a bargain counter. Statistics prove that there is mors insanity among women than among men. As an illustration, most girls are just crazy to get married.

MUSINGS OF A CYNIC.

Those who carry their head high usually have a light one. Nobody could be a cynic if the . world was peopled by children. Being in politics seems like hanging on to a life raft in stormy mid-ocean. Love is what a woman wants -before marriage and much harder afterward. i You can tell when a woman’s complexion is touched up a bit by how conscious she acts that it is natural. Louisville passes New York this bouquet: ; “About one-tenth of the inhabitants of the United States live In New York, and live happily, feelidg confident that they’re about nine* tenths.”

PUCKERINGS.

It is easier to live high on a low salary than to live low on a high sa ary. The Soubrette—“Next season I’m going to shine as a star.” The Low Comedian —“Or vice versa!” Only the brave deserve the fair. But often, perhaps for the reason that they wish their bravery very especially to appear, they marry somebody else. There Is something plausible in the claim that votes for women is only the thin end of the wedge. Naturally a wedge of that sort will wish to be as thin as possible until the styles change.—Puck.

REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR.

A woman hopes for happiness, a man for pleasure. Wise women hide their brains from men just like their wrinkles. The poorer the living a man can make the better the excuse be can make for it Dancing is a heap sight easier, even when your shoes hurt you, than walking, even when they don’t —New York Press.