Evening Republican, Volume 15, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 February 1911 — Page 2

Good Jokes

A GOOD PROVIDER.

Clement J. Driscoll, New York’s 8111“ ' ring commissioner of weights and measures, advocates the sale of breed by weight, and discussing a baker's objection to this idea, be said with a •mile: "in Europe the government regulates the weight of bread, and In some cases even the price. This baker, pretending that it la better for the people not to have such regulations, reminds me vividly of the poor provider. “A washerwoman—so the provider story goes—got married, and one of her clients said to her a month or so after the ceremony: " *Do you get on well with your husband, Mary?' “ 'Oh, yes, ma’am,’ was tbo reply. "Is be a good provider?’ "Indeed he Is a good provider, ma’am. He got me four new places to wash last week.’ "—New York Tribune.

VERY IMPURE.

The Advertising Manager—l suppose Ton want this “ad." to go In next to pore reading natter? The Advertiser—No; put It next to acme scandal or divorce story.

Her Only Fault.

Her virtue* made a lengthy list— X speak of Mm Tuggle— But somehow she could not resist A wild desire to smuggle.

A Food Combine.

“Oh, John,” exclaimed Mrs. Bayslde, laying down the paper, “Isn’t It Just lowly! Ton remember that young couple who were upset off here last aummer In their sailboat? Well, they fell In lore and got married. And they're so well to do do, too. Her father Is a rich packer and his father la a prosperous farmer.” “Oh," sniffed the summer hotelkeeper, "a sort of corned beef and cabbage combination, ehT" —-

Apprehension.

“Oh. doctor, something terrible has happened! My little Fldo has Just bitten that pie-faced, rasor tempered Miss Jaggs! Do you think any harm will result*’ “Not at all. Calm yourself, my dear madam. Miss Jaggs Is not likely to suffer serious consequences." ~ “I wasn’t thinking of Miss Jaggs, doctor. I want to know if it could poison poor, dear little Fldo?”

Costly Knowledge.

“Yesterday my husband threw Into the furnace a fine new pocketbook he’d had only a week.” “What did he do that for?” “He had just learned that there were more than a billion microbes on an old two-dollar bill be bad been carrying in It”

EVIDENTLY GOT IT CHARGED.

Maud—I took tile ring Charley gave me for Christmas to the Jeweler's to price It Mamie—What did the Jeweler say? Maud—He naked me If I wanted to know the cash price. a ■■ i

A Resemblance.

The new hats tor the women Are shown In every store; We’ve seen them, end they look Bke helMeu knights of old once wore.

Vindicated.

Barmina's intimate friends were chiding him for having incautiously given utterance to the opinion that the people like to be humbugged. “Shucks!" be exclaimed. “It won't make any difference in the success of my show." It didn’t.

Idle Curiosity.

“There la a man at one of the local hotels from Oshkosh.” “Let’s go down and take e look et | | | m W “Whet forr n merely want to see If he looks anything like his prototype In musics! comedy * regfe .

Practical Experience.

“It’s the little things that tall In this #mU brother, too!”

MARY.

Mary had » cud ot gum, A massive, generous gob She chawed it at the office. And Mary lost her Job. But Mary kept the cud of gum— She loved the Rum. you know; She chawed It Sunday evening. And Mary lost her. beau. Still. Mary kept on chawing And didn't care a blink;. That'* wljy it wasn’t ldhg before She drove her dad to drink. - ■ —r

Guessed It.

Eloise Is the particular iuy of sunshine in a happy South end home, and of late she has been much Interested in conundrums. Recently Elolse was permitted by her mamma to take a trip all by herself to her papa’s office, and she stepped through the doof with eyes shining in anticipation oi the surprise she was about to give her daddy. "Well, well!” exclaimed her daddy's business. partner, "Hole in the ground with water in it,’’ replied Elolse promptly.

The Details.

"Do you recollec’ old wot’s-ls-nams?" *' ’lm with the collar?” : "Ay!" ’’Wot abaht ’im?’ '* ’E ’ad to go down (Jerk of the head), you know—they glv* 'lm wot you call it—didn’t arf git It, I don’l think!" “Reely!" “ ‘Adn't you 'e&rd, then?” "I did ’ear sotneflnk, but no details, not afore now.”—Punch.

Disappointed.

’’So your hair Is coming out very fast?" asked the drug man. “Ob, yes, In bandfuls,’* replied tbs neighbor. "Did you ever try my hair tonic?” "Oh, yes, but I really don’t think that is entirely to blame!” —Yonkers Statesman.

DON'T COME OFTEN.

Orville Bore —When we were talking of actors and I said I’d like to be a star, what did you mean when you said you’d rather I’d be a comet? Miss Weerlgh—Cometa only come once In fifteen years.

Not So Bad.

Vaudeville has run a week And we’re a jubilator; For Harry Lauder so far has Had but one Imltatdr.

Family Rogues’ Gallery.

“You know Mrs. Van Gilder’s family portrait gallery that she started last year?’’ “Yes." “Well, that great criminal detective officer who guarded the wedding presents when Fro*tie Van Gilder married the oldest De Graft boy told me that be recognized seven of the portraits and they had all done time —whatever that means "

Reasonably So.

“Is he what you would call a steady man?" “Tolerably steady, for a person in his line of work.” “What does he do?” “Ho walks a wire in vaudeville.”

Compliments

“I told Tupperson be was a model young man and he hung his head." "Tell him he is a devil of a fellow and watch him straighten up.”

Being Merely Human.

“Mamma, hasn’t papa made enough money to retire from business?” “Yes, dear; that’s why he doesn’t retire”

Suggesting a Long Wait.

“Mr. Torklna has Insulted me!” “What Jld he do. Clara Bell?” “When he saw me standing under the mistletoe he brought me s chair.”

She Couldn’t Understand.

Fidgety man, getting up and giving up his car seat to the stout woman who had been swaying from a strap for four miles: “Take this seat, ma’am." , Stoat lady, in suspicious tones and with a strong flavor of sarcasm: -What’s wrong with HT

Drawing Distinctions.

“la It hard to stem a current?” “That depends on whether you’re trying to check a torrent or dock a small fratt."

WHY HUSBANDS LEAVE HOME

WHY do husbands flee from the family hearthstone? What motives Impel the wholesale desertion of homeß annually? Thousands of wives and children are deserted every year in the principal American cities. It is one of the most serious sociological problems confronting the country’s Workers in the cause c»f charities and correction and the metropolitan police authorities. The deserting husbaud and father has attained the dignity of a civic problem. He is looming up so large as an item of municipal expense that special laws are being passed to punish his offenses, special officers are being appointed to track him down and special courts being established to try his case. In New York city alone an average of 40 desertions a day are brought to the attention of the city officials. The number of cases in which the deserted families are cared for by relatives or charitable societies is beyond reckoning. Cincinnati is said to lead western cities in the number of desertions, but Chicago, St. Louis, Philadelphia, Boston, cities large and cities small, cities north and cities south, have finally discovered that the deserted family must have the aid not of church and charity workers but of the law. New York city deals with this problem in what is known as the domestic relations court, whose blunt slogan is “hring ’em together; ” and the number of divorces prevented in thp dingy court room is known only to the recording angel. “The general cussedness of the men, the incompetency of the women, the ‘other’ man or woman coming between husband and wife” —in this order do the causes of desertion run. according to officials of the court. Only the husband vows it’s all due to the Increased cost of living. “The high cost of living?" echoes the magistrate thoughtfully, in response to a question. “I don’t know —I don’t know! Of course money is what we’re after for these deserted wives and children, but there are other problems to solve here. husband may start out in married life meaning well, but he marries a girl who knows nothing about homemaking. and that is the first cause of their quarrels. Or she wants more clothes than he can buy for her —and good times. These moving picture houses have a curious fascination for married women. They admit sitting in h moving picture house hour after hour when they ought to be getting meals for their families. The moving picture show has taken the place of the cheap novel with this class of women.

“And then the girl who has earned her own living often has trouble with her husband. She is used to spending her money as she likes, and she wants to spend his the same way. Often he does not earn double what she did, and she misses her income. A man ought to consider the earning capacity of a woman bafore he marries her. The very fact that she has earned so much before marriage may make for their unhappiness. Or she may return to the store or factory rather than live on his wages. Women of this class are no longer economically dependent upon men. “In both of these cases there is hope of reconciliation. But when another woman has come between husband and wife we don’t try to bring the couple together. Then it’s simply a case of forcing the man to support his family, whether he will live with them or not” WllHam Desmond, for a score of years chief of the SL Louis detective bureau, while tn official position had constant occasion to study this problem seriously. In answer to a general inquiry of the subject, Mr. Deamond declared that moat husbands ran away because of Inability to "keep up with the procession” In Lha

social race of these twentieth century days. He characterized society as a mighty and merciless automobile, which rode down, without warning, all who happened in its path. “It is the swift pace that kills,” said the Veteran ex-chler. “That Is, the swift pace, the desire to make as good a show as one’s neighbors, or perhaps, a better one, causes the majority of the home desertions. And the greater number are not, as- most people believe, among the very poor, but rather the so-called middle class of society.”

“Among the many who look up from the ranks of the third estate there are few who suspect that the people of the middle class ever lack comforts or even want for the necessaries ot life. Yet it is a fact, that in the big American cities there are hundreds upon hundreds of husbands who are commonly supposed to be well to do, but who often scarcely know how or where the means of the family existent for the next month will come

Expense Bills One Cause.

from. It is at such times that the men forsake home, abandon wife and children, and flee away—to suicide or exile.

“There Is a generally accepted belief that husbands desert wives solely because of domestic discord or because the love of the husband has waned. It can be said in contradiction of this that while desertions do often result from such cause, the number is insignificant compared with the desertions impelled by inability of the husbands to support their families In the style they believe to be absolutely imperative by reason of their social status.

“Comparatively few men,” Mr. Dee* mond declared, "deliberately desert their wives with the intention of never being reunited; few plan to re* main away forever. Most husbands who flee from city homes recover their menUl equllibrulm and wake to a consciousness of tljeir position when they bring up amid new surroundings. Then hope revives. Then courage returns. They look around with a view to getting a new sUrt They plan to rebuild their fortunes. AU this with the ultimate object of returning to the old home and loved ones or bringing their families to them in a new home. But with many the ‘castle In Spain* plans go awry; things refuse to work out right These hapless deserters — domestic derelicts —move from one place to another. Their habits of home life are broken. They become living. Indisputable proof of the old adage that the way to destruction Is paved with good Intentions. They continue to drift Perhaps they become sick and die —anyway, they seldom 'come back.’ they take the count and are ‘out.’ and in the great roll of humanity they are recorded aa hear* less wife deserters.”

THINGS WORTH KNOWING.

Under the British constitution the king could make war without reference to parliament. New York city has tax free real estate valued at more $1,225,000,000. There are 103 cement factories in the United States, and the number is, growing all the time. What promises to be a valuable coal field has been discovered In the Brazilian state of Pernambuco. The irrigation projects of this country have called for the erection of the five largest dams in the world. In general and electrical engineering factories In the united kingdom over 16,000 women are employed. », Though but a small nation, Switzerland makes 100,000,000 pounds of honey a yefir, bo well is its flora adapted to bee culture. . ‘ " •««>'"' - In Formosa the business of canning pineapples is booming. The market for the goods is mostly Japan. Two crops are grown each year. “The English word ‘flirt,’ both as verb and noun, has befen adopted by the German speaking people In this city,” says a Vienna letter ,“but it is usually pronounced ‘fleert.’ ” ... The village of Remborn, in the mountainous region of Taunus, in Germany, possesses a linden tree which is said to have reached the age of 1,200 years. Among the unconscious humors of current Journalism is the mistake made by a Westphalian paper, which credited Dr. Ernst von Leven. the great Berlin physician who died the other day, with the invention of the Leyden jar.

THE GENTLE CYNIC.

A bad man sometimes delivers' the goods. A soft answer may turn away wrath, but a soft snap is surer. Blood will tell, but some people’s blood is not very communicative. Things really only come our way when we make up our minds to go after them. Many a woman has shed enough tears to float a more worthy ambition. Many a man has stubbed hlB toe over hiß own ambfffon. Wit is the wine of intellect which ill-nature turns into vinegar. The more a man goes around the less he is apt to develop Into a crank. Manners are like headaches. Some are natural and some are acquired. Looking for a needle in a haystack is a needleless waste of time. * Fishing for compliments seldom lands a husband. A man sometimes confesses a weakness only to conceal a greater one. Love is a curious thing. Many a girl who likes spring lamb marries a black sheep. The world Is made up of equal parts of people who have money and don’t" kdow how to enjoy It and people who haven’t any and do.

SUNFLOWER PHILOSOPHY

As a matter of fact, no woman can play cards well. Some men are so constituted that they get a lot of fun out of being downtrodden. There never was a girl so beautiful that she could look plouchy to a good advantage. Men do seem to do more courting In every succeeding geenration, and less marrying. People are very much alike, except that a few nice ones do less talking than the others. • A man who has been sick a long time said today: “There’s a whole lot In the statement that doctors practice medicine.” Atchison (Kan.) Globe.

RAIL-FENCE PHILOSOPHY

It Ukes some a good many years to find out* that bitterness and jealousy are the most unmarketable crops we can raise In our hearts. Our conscience la always a sure and safe signboard when we come to where the forks of the road point to truth and dishonesty. We ought to take stock of everything in the barn at least once a year, and also slse up our moral equip, ment more frequently to keep our hearts sweet and clean. Some men go nlong through life without discovering the difference between a wife and a slave with a title given her by the license clerk and the minister. , •, - &&«&** ' ■■ ,>“1

AGE OF THE SAHARA

Question Upon Which Noted Sci-j entists Disagree. Dryness Has Much Increased Sinc«j Days When Rome Was Mlflhty Empire—Phenomenon Advances With Mighty Strides.

There has long been much disagree-; ment among scientists as to the ques-f tion of the antiquity of the Sahara!, desert, and over the manner in whichj it was formed. They agree, however,j that the dryness has much increased; during the centuries that have passed' since Rome was a mighty ' empire. l <j)ne French savant, who made thearduous journey from the Niger river; to Lake Tchad; brought back much; Interesting information regarding the: progress of the arid region southward. It appears that the country that extends from the Niger to Lake Tchad, between thirteen and sixteen degrees north latitude, is completely barren of permanent water bodies. For more than eight hundred miles it 1b a tropical region without a watercourse. Only yesterday—as geologists count time —all this was different. The Niger received from the left immense: affluents, veritable floods. Then giraffes and elephants, it is believed, wandered even to the borders of Mediterranean Numidla, seeking the abundant vegetation. Presently came the Mohametan conquest, with its tribes of nomadic Arabs, and the invasion of theTuaregs from the east, acceleratingthe Saharan devastation. These invaders burned over great tracts of land, destroying vegetation and leaving nothing to hold the fallen water in check. The hygrometric state of the atmosphere was impoverished. The vapor was no longer cdndensed. The rain failed, vegetation disappeared and the soil and rocks were left exposed to the direct action of heat and cold and of the winds. The decomposition of the granite filled the dry river beds with sand for great distances. The advance of this phenomenon has not stopped at the edge of the tropics. The Sahara, it is thought, has gained toward the south steadily. It is established on all the northern parts of Lake Tchad. A 1 thought It appears slow, its march is extremely rapid, compared with other geologic phenomena. Barth, the German explorer, found water in abundance sixty years ago where the expedition of Peroz suffered from thirst In 1904. The old men of North Adair showed Peroz rivers which, in their youth flowed many months of the year, but were at the time of the French expedition entirely dry. Lakes yesterday permanent, which the French expected to, find full, were dry, and did not replenish themselves, except during the two months of "Winter. —Harper’s Weekly.

Bird Census.

Did you ever hear of a bird census —a census of all the birds in the United States? One would think that the result would be about as uncertain as the count of chickens before they are hatched. Nevertheless, the department of agriculture is taking a census of the birds and their habits. It is estimated that there are 1,400,000,000 of them —not including several millions of human geese, and as many human parrots, who echo what others say. This estimate would give us only about 17 birds apiece, and one is almost inclined to think sometimes that there are more than a billion sparrows in the United States. But the department is studying the birds to find out how they held or hurt crops, with a view to diminishing those which Injure, and increasing those which help by destroying the insects which so seriously injure* grains and fruits. —Boy Life.

Welcome to a Meal.

An ingenious tramp entered a back yard a few days ago and knocked at the kitchen door. “I’m very hungry,” he remarked, thetically, “I am on the point of .starvation. May I oat some of the grass In your yard?” The maid who answered his knock did not reply as he expected. “Certainly. Elat all the grass you want,” she said. Somewhat taken aback, yet nothing daunted, the tramp got down on his hands and knees and began to eat grass. Now the pasture at this time of year Is not particularly good. But the tramp went on munching grass and waiting for the desired summons from the kitchen. It came in about 10 minutes. Hopefully, wondering what good things he was going to get. he went back to the kitchen door. “You calling me?” he asked. "Yea,” the girl at the door answered. “I thought there wasn’t much grass right there. You’ll find more in the field across the way.”

The Jewelry Game.

“I want to get something for a lady,” said the stranger in the jewelry store. “Diamond, air?" asked the proprietor. “No, it’s for my wife." “Here, George,” exclaimed the proprietor, "show the gentleman our line, of dollar hat pins.”—Detroit Free Press.