Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 183, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 August 1910 — Page 3

Good Jokes

TOUGH JOB. The old major had been on an expended trip “up nott.’* Now he was back in th general store of the village telling of his travels. And Niagara Falls, suh!” he began vividly. “What could be a grander sight? To think of the vast, inconceivable power In those millions of tons of - water that dash over the rocks ! .Ynd then to think that-those falls are harnessed by mere man!” The major paused for breath and I the old colored man, who had Just come in with a pail of eggs, looked [interested. 1 “Majab!” “Yeas, Sam?” "Who was de gen’man det harnessed dem deh falls?” , Why—er—Sam, I can’t Just remember his name. But why are you so anxious to know?” “Ah was Just thinkin’ majah.” “Thinking of what, old man?” Thinkin’ what Ah’d give to see det gen’man try en harness dat ol\ ol’ mule Ah bought f’um de bankrupt circus last spring. Tee-hee!” His Views on Suffrage. When the female canvasser asked the old farmer to sign a petition in faior of a woman’s movement he eyed the document for a while with suspicion. “No, I’m again’ it," was reply,- with the emphasis of a man who had had some domestic Infelicity. “A woman who’s alius a-movin’ is alius a-gettin’ in trouble. If you’ve got anything to keep her quiet I’ll sign it”

• No Kick There, The new arrival had just written his name and address in the hotel register. ‘‘From Ypsilanti, eh?” said the clerk; that’s thq town, isn’t it, where Np, sir,” interrupted the other, •with a frown; ”&e’re perfectly satisfied with the name of our city. You’re thinking of Oshkosh." disposing of Hash. Yeast I see that all the food served to a guest at a Japanese dinner and not consumed by him at the time is taken to his home by the servants of his host. Crimsonbeak—The hosts over there are certainly persistent. They seem to get rid of their hash in some way!—Yonkers Statesman.

IN SOUTH AMERICAN WATERS.

Passenger—l say, captain, what would happen if. the ship Bhould hit a coral reef? ) ~ Captain—lt would most likely shiver its timbers.

Summer.

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. We’ll now dig up For the ice trust. - 1 "■ 0-

Not Her Way.

Elderly Relative—Lucy, you surely don’t think of marrying Geoffrey to reform him! Miss Lucy—Gracious, no, auntie! I’m trying to reform Geoffrey In order to marry him, and I’ll either succeed In doing it or I’ll break his neck!

In the Public Eye.

"Here is a brochure entitled ’What St. Louis Is Doing.”* “Pittsburg doesn’t need any advertising like that.” "No." "Everybody knows what Pittsburg Is doing.”

The Eternal Feminine.

She—Here is a story about a German scientist who says a woman can live to be 600,000 years old. He—Good gracious! Imagine a woman 600,000 years old who wouldn’t admit she was more than 5130,000!”

Three Balls.

Stubb—The best umbrellas to put tip quickly are those with the . patent steel spring. Penn —H’m! I have found those with a gold handle the most convenient to “put up.”

A Blunder.

"A Detroit minister says that hell Is full of peek-a-boo waists.” “A queer statement for a minister to make when he is trying to get men to go to heaven.”

Now They're Fussy.

"A St. Loulo girl wore men’s clothing In order to escape suitors. I <st)uld never do that!” “You would never need to, dear."

Hard to Touch.

, “Thiß Is paradoxical.” t “What is? ' T * “Why, tbs* closer a man is the harder it is to touch him."

YOU never can tell. Oh, the primmest little maid. Just the most precise of misses; Never thought of love, she said. Took no sort ot stock In kisses. Quite Immune to Cupid’s darts, _Laughed at hosts of suitors sighing. When they told of aching hearts All such symptoms still decrying. But all this was long ago— Well, I should say, 'twas last'summer. You read the account, I know. In the papers—’twas a hummer. How she managed to elope . With a curly-headed actor. In this stunt of hers, I hope. Common sense was not a factor.

DOWN, NOT UP.

Henderson—Does your wife ever call you up at your office? Henpeck—No; Bhe waits until I get home and then she callo me down. The Foxy Landlady. “I think I’ll change my boarding house,” grumbled the comedian boarder. ‘‘l am surprised,” said the sweet singer. “Why, I thought you told me your landlady was right up to date?” Yes, too much so. Since she has been reading the Fletqher theory she advises all her boarders to chew each mouthful 32 times. She knows they’ll soon get tired and won’t eat as much.' 1 “H’m! She’s rather shrewd.” “Yes, and that’s not all. She read that sour milk prolongs life and now she has started the sour-milk fad because sour milk costs only four cents a quart.”

Ingenuity.

Rays—How does Splitter expect to get his divorce? Hays—By proving the illegality ol his marriage. Rays—How will he prove that? Hays—First, by showing all marriages are lotteries, and then calling attention to the fact that the Supreme court has ruled that all lotteries are illegal.

Nothing Conclusive.

Ida—Do you suppose that Mr. Worther really has serious intentions regarding Doty? Clara—He must have; he’s praising her all the time—says she’s worth her weight in gold. Ida Oh, there’s nothing conclusive about that; Doty could be weighed on a pair of postal scales.

A Born Diplomat.

His Wise —John, yesterday was my birthday and you never even thought to bring me a box of candy. Her Husband—l’m sorry, my dear, but there Isn’t a thing about your appearance to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago.

The Retort Courteous.

A young woman had fallen upon the ice-covered pavement and a man stepped forward to offer his services. “Allow me —” he began, but his feet slipped and he fell flat upon hiß back. Certainly," responded the young woman, gravely.—Lippincott’s.

THE CAUSE OF IT.

Tim—l see dat Joe Simpson’s golfs gone back on him. Tom—Huh! dat’s easy. Der feller she’s goin’ wid now, his madder keeps er candy store, : ~ -

Back to the Soil.

"Hare you joined the back-to-the-soll movement?” “You bet; I’m tired of artificial files and wooden minnows, and I’tn going to dig some good old wormß for bait"

The Fearless One.

"With all your wealth are you not afraid of the profetariat?” ashed the delver In sociological problems. ~, “No, I ain’t,” snapped Mrs. Newrich. “We boll all our drlnkln* water.”

Decorative Idea

NOWADAYS, when the metal bed is the rule in almost all well ordered homes, there is a constant cry among the home decorators for ideas as to Its suitable covering. Many women, handy with the embroidery needle, are buying a square of the widest, heaviest white sheeting. This is cut out at the two lower corners, so that the bottom of the cover will hang free across the foot of the bed below the mattress. A wide border is hemstitched all around the edges of the cover, and the center is embroidered as elaborately or as simply as one desires. A monogram is often used, and when it combines three initials is most striking. When a set design is used for the. center the Initials can be put in one

DON’T NEGLECT THE EYEBROW

Attention Bestowed Is Well Repaid by Improvement Made In Ap- . pearance. The most neglected feature of the face is the eyebrows. Yet, perhaps, more of one’s expression depends upon them than on any other feature. Do not omit a day without drawing the eyebrows gently between thumb and fingers from the bridge of the nose outward. Do this several times. If the eyebrows are thin and scant, cultivate them with the same care given to the hair. Rubbing with vaseline at night and washing it off with hot and then cold water in the morning will induce growth. What is more disgusting than scaly eyebrows or signs -of dandruff? Yet who has not seen these conditions on apparently well groomed women? Fight it as one would any other germ. Tonics used for the scalps can be carefully applied to the eyebrows with a clean camel’s hair paint brush. Afterwards massage well. The ideal eyebrow is thinly penciled and arched. Almost any one can do Borne training along these lines with promise of success.

Shaggy brows and stray hair can be removed with forceps and kept down in this way. When the growth Is abnormally heavy—always a bad de feet in a woman—having part of the hairs removed, by electrolysis is help-

Neckscarfs.

The Parisienne bo loves her winter furs that even in summer she finds it hard to give up a scarf of some kind around her neck and shoulders. Hence the neckscarf. It may be of mousseline de sole gathered over satin. Or it may be of folded satin in two contrasting shades. Again, there is the tulle ruffle interlaced with satin. And lace and ribbon intertwined give a charming effect. In any case, the colors must be brilliant without being “loud.” The ends may be fringed or betasseled. And to wear them? One drapes the scarf > around the shoulders, throws one end by a deft twist over the left and leaves the other and shorter end hanging down In front, rather to the right One advantage they do have: They are easily contrived' by the home dressmaker and may effectually concent n worn coat collar without giving —ptcKm to the curious world!

corner in three separate letters, each about four inches in size. The design given may be placed as an inclosing form around the monogram. in the center of the spread, or several of the motifs may be used, with the initials in one corner. The work may be all white, or, in accordance with the fashion for a touch of color, may be done in a dainty shade on white, with a wide border of the same shade used to decorate the edge of spread. One-half of the design is given, to be transferred to the material by means of carbon paper and embroidered in satin stitch and kensington outline stitch. Omit the dots in the center if the motif is used with the monogram.

COAT FOR SMALL GIRL

This little edat would be exceedingly useful for slipping over cotton frocks; it is made in rough faced serge, and is worn with a white sailor collar edged with braid. The hat is a man-o’-war shape in white serge. Materials required: 2 yards serge 46 inches wide, 10 buttons.

For the Pocketless.

The woman who laments the good old days of the pocket and feels no Joy in the all-containing handbag, will welcome a new "wrinkle” from Paris, the home of ingenuity. This is the flat outside pocket, sewed on the front of, the underskirt It is large and of the same material as the petticoat and it fastens securely by means of glove clasps, which may be purchased at any glovemakers; or the hand with the clasps inserted is also obtainable. It Is remarkable how much—“from a handkerchief to a pie”—can be put In one of these pockets without either making an ugly bulge In the skirt or causing the sensation of carrying a football about with one. And certainly they are not ; acoesslble to piefe sockets!

HAPPENINGS IN THE CITIES

Dives from Brooklyn Bridge for $250

NEW YORK.—A sharp-featured, undersized youth in ragged swimming trunks, with a skimpy coat and an old pair of trousers thrown over them, dived successfully, from the center span of Brooklyn bridge to the East river, 135 feet below, for $250 In cash, two new suits of clothes and whatever renown the world may hold in store for a bridge Jumper. The late Steve Brodie acquired fame as a bridge jumper and long ran a Bowery saloon on the strength of It, but many say It was never proved that Steve really jumped! Several would-be suicides have been fished out of the river unhurt after Jumping, but Otto Eppers is the first Ibmp with unquestioned witnesses as part of a prearranged plan. The boy s first words when he was fished out of the river by the crew of a passing tug were: “Gee! But I hit hard!” His next were: “Say, whose got the makin’a of a cigarette?” Eppers is seventeen years old and the son of a lithographer. He weighs about HO pounds and has been unoffloial swimming champion of the East river ever since he got into the big

Elusive Tooth Puzzle in Chicago Court

CHICAGO. —“The mystery of the Missing Tooth,” a novel exposition of how seven and three (sometimes) make eleven, was staged for a large and appreciative, not to say quizzical, audience recently in Municipal Judge Torrison’s court. Plot theme: “Can a dentist recover damages for a swallowed tooth?” Leading characters: Dr. James L. Blount, Oak Park, praying a monetary revenge, and Mrs. Alice Andrews, heroine in the tragedy of “The Missing Molar.’ Dr. Blount demanded his fee for 11 teeth, false if you please, while the heroine pleaded but ten—seven in hand and three hidden by rpsy lips. “The teeth not only were false in material, but they were false to their trust and fell out,” said Mrs. Andrews. “One at a time they began falling out. The first one went on a round steak which cost 25 cents a .pound. I thought it merely a coincidence. But when No. 2 fell into the soup one noon, I knew there was something wrong.

Zoo Bear Trades Laughs for Peanuts

NEW YORK.—OId Ben, the big Alaskan bear at the New York zoological pary in the Bronx, understands human nature well indeed, and he makes his knowledge pay* him. The other day a woman from Middletown, who had happened to see the paused before the den of Old Ben and tossed in a shelled peanut. Instantly there was a stampede on the part of Little Ben, Brown Bess, Old Ben’s wife, and Karnak, his nephew. Old walked fear jjf ths cage while the others’ fought for tne peanut and then crowded to the bars for more. The visitor was about to toss in another when she was astonished to see old Ben standing on his hind legs, making motions to her to throw it high over the others’ heads to him.

Help! 45,000,000 Eggs Are Imprisoned

hens of Illinois Indiana, Michigan and Ohio have since April laid 45,000,000 eggs for the cold storage man, according to farmers who have sold their producT to representatives of Chicago cold storage houses. The eggs will remain In the warehouses until the high prices of last winter are duplicated. Housewives feel that the usual corner in eggs will take place next year. South Water street commission merchants admitted that warehousemen have canvassed the four states for the last three months, buying up fresh eggs from the farmers and egg com-

boy class. Recently he heard that a Brooklyn merchant was willing to pay $250 out of his advertising appropriation to the first man who would jump from any one of the bridgeg over the East river. Otto was the boy for the Job. He had jumped 104 feet from a bridge once before and the addition of a few more feet never caused him so much as a thought. "Sure, I’ll do it,” he said, and he did. Otto meant to dive from the new Manhattan bridge, because he thought it warf'-higher. The height in reality Is the same for all the East river bridges.* The police, however, were too watchful. He meant to shed his coat and trousers, but he didn’t have time. He meant to take off his heavy but the jive| did th_at for him. He meant to dive in one long sweep- 1 ing arc, “but somehow,’ he told aftterwardj “I started to twist, and then I couldn't stop.” Passengers on the ferryboats who saw him said ha turned like a pinwkeel. “I wasn’t scared a bit until ¥ jumped,’ he continued, “but I don’t remember anything after I hit until I came up again.” He was found floating on his back, half stunned and paddling feebly. “I tould have swum to shore," he boasted, and in the next breath he admitted, “but I wasn’t feeling very spry.” .A rubdown and two hours of rest in a hopsital found Eppers fit to appear in police court, where he was promptly discharged for lack of evidence that he had attempted suicide.

Nos. 3, 4 and 5 came out in unison and Nos. 6 and 7, when a boy set off a firecracker under my feet the last Fourth of July, it was becoming so common then, I lost track of the cause and scarcely noticed the effect. I couldn’t even chew butter. i “I refused to pay the dentist’s bill unless he did the work all over again, and he wouldn’t. He said I must have been trying to chew rocks. Then he sued me.” As proof of the deciduous nature of the teeth, Mrs. Andrews began counting them out on Judge Torrison’s desk, while court bailiffs looked on agape. Then as she reached “seven,” Mrs. Andrews said: “Three I have In my mouth. He put in 11 for me in February, 1909. Most of them came out and I had three put back.” “But where is the other tooth? Three you still use, seven you have shown the judge, now where is the other one?” was the insistent query put to Mrs. Andrews. "Where is the other tooth?” The woman faltered. “I don’t know where it can be; I thought I had it, but I must have swallowed it while asleep” “Give the others to the bailiff; let them he preserved as evidence,” said Judge Torrison. The bailiff kept the teeth; the Jury found its verdict for the woman.

At least that was what it'looked like. He was standing up on his haunches, waving his right front paw over his head as a boy does when he means you to throw a ball high. The lady threw the peanut high and Old Ben got it—caught it in his mouth, at a distance of 20 feet, while the other bears In the cage raged over missing it. The woman threw more, and kept throwing the peanuts till they were all gone, and every one she threw over the heads of the other bears, Just to see Old Ben stand on his hind legs and motion for more. Ben learned this trick years ago, the keepers say, when he was a dancing bear. When he finally was put In the zoo he astonished the keepers by making signs to them to throw the food §ver the heads of the other greedy animals to him. He aiwayg takes up his position in the back) ground, motioning the keepers and letting the other bears fight at the Irom bars. The result is that he getsnhe biggest part of the dinner because it is so funny to watch his secret signals to the feeders.

missioners. “Chicago cold storage houses are filled with fresh eggs.” declared a merchant today, "and I have been told that 45,000,000 eggs are now stored away in warehouses, to remain there until next winter when the men who form the egg pool can demand high prices for the product.” The millions pf eggs bought up by the cold storage representatives will not be put on the Chicago markets for sale until there ten scarcity. — The eggs were purchased from the farmers at an average price of 13% to 24 cents a dozen. Two cents a dozen is added to cover insurance, storage costs, etc., which brings the total cost up to about 26 cents a dozen. If'the eggs can be retailed In Chicago next winter at 45 cents a dozen, at which they were sold last winter, there will be a profit of 19 cents a dozen or a total of something over $700,000. . ’