Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 177, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 July 1910 — His Future Assured. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

His Future Assured.

“So he never brought you candy or flower®?” “All he ever brought me was a bag of peanuts the nlght.-he proposed.” "I suppose you rejected him without a qualm?" “Not entirely. It Is something of a jolt to have to refuse a -man who is so economical that he Is Just bound to become a millionaire.”—Washington Herald. Beat Way. “How do You manage to get on so well with your wife? Don’t you ever have any differences of opinion?” “Sure we do, but I don’t let her know It.”—New York Telegram. Technically Speaking. "So there is to be a divorce,” said the woman who discusses everybody. “It seems but a little while since- he asked for her hand.” “Yes,” replied the rude man. “He got the hand all right, but it turned out to be a misdeal.”—Washington Star. The Judge in Danger. “Prisoner at the bar,” said the portly, pompous and florid magistrate, “you are charged with stealing a pig, a very serious offense in this district There has been a great deal of pigstealing, and I shall make an example of you or none of us will be safe.”— London News. Often So. “Is poverty a crime?” “It carries a penalty, anyway.” “Hard labor for life, eh?”—Kansas City Journal. Training for Football. Church—l feel some concern abont my son. Gotham—You mean the one in college? Church—Yes; you see they are talking of abolishing fnnthpi] - ■- Gotham—Oh, is he a football player? Church—No, but studying to be a surgeon!—Yonkers Statesman. Illness. “You say you were away from the office yesterday because of illness?" said the stern employer. “Yes," replied the young man, who knew he w r as discovered. “Several of the umpire’s decisions made me sick.” —Washington Star. Fierce State of Affairs. Pat and his wife were fighting when the neighbors Interfered. “Sure and you’re a fine lot,” yelled Pat at the meddlers. “It’s gettin’ so that a man can’t even fight in peace ■with his own wife.”—St. Louis Star. To Suit the Fashion.

Askers--Hello, jjhat you got there, Eggers? A chicken coop? Eggers—Not quite. It’s only a chan tecler hat box. A Lingering Death. An English soldier supposed to have been killed in India* was entered on the books of his company: “Died on the 24th of June,” etc. A few days afterward it turned out that he was still alive, and the honest sergeant made the following entry: “Died by mistake.” At length there came a letter from the minister of war announcing the death of the man at the hospital, when the sergeant recorded the fact as follows: “Re-died by order of the ministry." —Louisville Herald. The Place of Danger, Employer—You have an excellent chance to grow up with the business, young man, and make something of yourself; it’s all up to you. Boy—l’d like de job all right, mister, but if you don’t mind. I’d just as lief stay at de bottont You see, sir, I’m just a little leery about bein’ one o’ dem fellers “higher up.”—Boston Herald. lined to Sensation*. “Then he wasn’t overwhelmed at the sight of Xagara Falls?” “Scarcely.” “Well, it is Tather hard to impress a man who sees all the top-liners in vaudeville.”—Kansas City Journal. The Lore. Lady—l want to put in this advertisement for a cook. It will go in three lines, won’t ii? Clerk (after counting)—No, madam. We’ll have to charge you for four lines, but you can put in four more words, if you wish. Lady (suddenly inspired)—Say, “Policeman stationed opposite corner.” — Tit-Bits. Cruel Comeback. _ “I’m doing my best to get ahead,” asserted Chollie. “Well, heavens knows you need one,” assented Dollie—Toledo Blade. 'Within One Came. ; “Hello, doctor! How are you coming on with the payments on your suburban home?” “I am within one appendicitis of the last one.” —Exchange. Foolish Coined jr. Cannibal—How did our chief get that attack of hay fever? _ ’Nother Cannibal—He ate a grass widow.—Cleveland Leader.