Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 158, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 July 1910 — Smiles OF TEH DAY [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Smiles OF TEH DAY

**%*S*f**S**+s**fUJJM ‘la Practical Charity. “See the poor, stray cat.” "Why not toes him some meat?" “No; I believe in teaching others to help themselves. I will throw out some crumbs to attract the blrtls, and maybe the cat can catch one.” —Washington Herald. The Spotllarht Spirit. "The census people promise absolute secrecy concerning any information you may give them.” “Yes,” replied Mrs. Fllmgilt; “I don’t see why they want to waste one’s time on something that isn’t going to get anybody’s name into the newspapers."—Washington Star. The Glrla. Belle —Why do you encourage that stupid Mr. Binks? Nellfe—Why, he vays things I never heard any other :oan say. Belle—Honestly? He proposed?— Cleveland Leader. In Nature’s Mirror.

Mrs. Duck —John, won’t you please stay still a minute —I want to su* if my hat is on straight. t ncoiiacloaa Work. “My wife broke me of the habit of smoking.” “Why, I didn’t know she objected to your smoking.” “She doesn’t.” "Then how came she to break you of the habit?” “She was great on saving, and she bought all my cigars."—Baltimore American. Experience Sufficient.

“What arctic experiences have you had?” was asked of an aspirant for a place in a polar expedition. “I once courted' a Rochester girl.” “Accepted.”—Buffalo Express. A Positive Opinion. “Some people say the comet is-large-ly gas and some say it’s electricity,” said the amateur scientist. - “It’s neither,” replied Mr. Sirius Barker. “If it were one or the other we’d get a monthly bill for it.”— Washington Star. So Mnny Do. “She is an artist, isn't she?” “Well—she—er—paints.” Houston Post. Fool question. i “What time did the burglars leave?” “What time did they leave? Why, they stole the clock!” Cleveland Leader. This Has Began. Census Taker—Please tell me your age, madam. Housekeeper—Five years younger than what the lady in the next flat told you.—Cleveland Leader. Well, Why. Jim —I hate to see women kiss each other. John—Envy? Jim—Naw—pity.—Cleveland Leader. So Thonabtfnl of Her.

Wife—James, don’t be so selfish with the umbrella. Can’t you see mother is getting wet? Hold it over her, too.

Politic. Mrs. Nocash-r-Mercy! You let your girl off every afternoon! Neighbor—Yes, indeed, it is such a saving. The more she is away the fewer dishes she breaks. —Illustrated Bits. The Hardest. Bobby—What wuz the hardest question the teacher asked you to-day? Johnny—She asked me whether I’d rather be licked with a ruler or a strap.—Exchange. Some System. Reporter—How does it come that you’ve been able to run this illicit distillery undisturbed for • twenty years? Mountaineer —I had ten likely lookin’ darters, an’ they all eloped with rev’noo men.—Cleveland Leader. ■» , Not Fit for m Family Circle. The engineers find Gatun dam safe,” read Mr. Jones from his newspaper headlines to grandma, knitting at thp other side of the table. "Well,” she said, looking over her glasses In pained surprise. “I don’t know anything about the safety of Gatun, but I think a family newspaper Oughtn’t to Use SUCh fa print*'—Emporia Gazette.

After Hla Dar •< Pruettoo. “Do you believe in Sunday baseball f* asked the bookkeeper of the shipping clerk. The latter tragically held aloft 4 puffy forefinger with‘a distorted seej ond Jont. “I believe/’ he answered, “that ill Sunday baseball is played at all it should be confined exclusively to professionals." —Cleveland Plain Dealy. Real Class. "What, going to Jilt the duke?” “Yes; I think I’ll marry an American.” “But think of the duke’s castle and! hiß moated grange.” “All very well, but the other fellow owns a garage.”—Kansas City Journal. Expert Indorsement. “Yes,” said Young Mrs. Torkins, "I am sure our garden la going to be a success.” “'So soon?” “Yes, the chickens have tasted everything, and they are perfectly enthusiastic.”—Washington Star. Problems of Bridge. First Bridge Player—l couldn’t make up my mind what to wear. I’ve three hats, hut they’re all out of style. Second Bridge Player—l was in a worse quandary. I have three hats, and they’re all the latest thing.—Life. Memoranda. Professor —It was by the Inscription on this colossal obelisk that we succeeded in positively identifying the mummy of Rameses the First. Uncle Henry—l suppose all that Chinese rigmarole on there was his memoranda of the size of his socks, his watch number, whom to notify in case of death, and such truck? —Puck.

Jnat Like Humana. “Why do you object to being trained and domesticated?” asked the first wild horse. “Because,” replied the second wild horse, “nobody loves a fellow when he’s broke.”—St. Louis Star. Economy of Time and Money. “Co-education is a good thing. The 'boy gets his study and his courting finished simultaneously, and is then ready for work.” “Just so. While the girl can save dad lots of money by marrying In her graduation gown.”—Washington Herald. TWr Maater’a Voice.

Cold Calculation. “Going to take summer boarders this year?” “Yep,” answered Farmer Corntossel. “We don’t need the money, but it’s a good idea to have a lot o’ folks around to share the mosquito bites and lower the average.”—Washington Star. We Have Ideals. “Are we merely a nation of moneygetters?” “Far from it, my boy. The mad rush for wealth is quite offset by the mad rush for the ball park.”—Washington Herald. Fish for Them. Mrs. Farmer—Those ducks have stolen their nests. I haven’t found any eggs in a long time. Bobble Farmer —Perhaps they laid ’em while they was swimmdn’, mamma! —Yonkers Statesman. The Difference. “When I returned from my poker party last night my wife Just looked at me; not a word was spoken.” “My wife looked at me, too, and I don’t believe a word was unspoken.”— Houston Post. A Ilare Experience“No doubt you recall the most enjoyable railroad trip you ever made?" “Oh, yes. It was a short trip of only half a day, but because his private car had been derailed the president of the road was traveling with the common herd in an ordinary Pullman car.” “And you enjoyed the novelty ol traveling in close proximity to the president of the road?" “No; it wasn’t that particularly. ] enjoyed seeing the porter look humble.” —Birmingham Age-Herald.

He Bored Her. “1 understand she said I was a man of deep penetration." “Yes—she something like that.** “Something like that? How?” “Well, ‘penetrate’ means ‘bore,-’ doesn’t It?” —Cleveland Leader, Renewing Acquaintance. "You know that $lO you lent me »» “Not now. Introduce me.”—Cleveland Leader. A Lot* Feoat. •Fat Man—You’re growing stoat. Lean Man—And you’re getting thin. Whereupon they shook nands, smiled, and each mentally* declared the other fellow “a bully good friend.” —Lipplncott’s. Give Her a Medal. Mrs. Gedsby—She says frankly that she can’t phiy bridge, but that Isn't *the best of it. Mrs. Bungwats—What Is? Mrs. Gadaby—She doesn’t try—Bon» ervlUe Journal.

His bark is worse than his bite.