Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 158, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 July 1910 — Page 3

GOOD SHORT STORIES

Two Irishmen were in a city hank recently, waiting their turn at the ■cashier's window. “This reminds me of Finnegan,” remarked one. “What about Finnegan?” inquired the'other. ** "Ms a story that Finnegan died, and ivhen he greeted St Peter«be said, ‘lt’s a fine Job you’ve had here for a long time.’ ‘Weil, Finnegan,’ said St Peter, ‘here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a ■cent’ ‘Ah!’ said Finnegan, ‘l’m needing cash. Lend me a cent.’ ‘Sure,’ said St Peter, ‘Just wait a minute.' ’’ Aa one of the White Star steamships ■caane steaming up New York harbor the other day a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. ‘‘Clear cut of the way with that old mud e°ow!” shouted an officer on the bridge

A round, sun-browned face appeared ever the cabin hatchway. “Are ye the captain of that vessel?” “No,” answered the officer. ‘‘Then spake to yer equals. I’m the captain o’ this! ” came from the barge. The village constable was In a hurry, when somebody asked him where he was going in such a hurry. “Godn’ down to Hi Perkinses,” he replied. HTe got a curiosity down thar. The j. ether night his old Jersey cow had the colic and Hi went down to give her a dose of cow medicine. Blamed if he didn’t make a mistake and give 'her a pint of gasoline. Now, Instead of going ‘Mpo, moo!’ like any other sansible

cow, she goes ‘Honk, hank!’ like one of them thar blamed automobiles.” . Jack Barrymore dropped Into a Broadway restaurant the other day and fate assigned to him a waiter ■who, to quote the actor, was “solid ivory from the chin up.” Failing to get anything, he ordered, he at last lost patience. "Waiter,” he said, “you are the ultimate thing in punk dispensers of gastronomic piovender! Why don’t you chuck this Job and try piccolo-playing at the opera?” "I no can play-a da peecado,” said the waiter. “That’s all right,” replied Barrymore. “Why waste all your Incompetence in one place?” It was the ’morning of the Yale-Har-vard game at Cambridge, and two New Haven collegians were wandering' through the Harvard yard, looking at the university buildings. Down a walk toward them came a youth of serious aspect, but palpably an undergraduate. “I beg your pardon,” said the Yale man, who is a hit of & wag, to the stranger, “can you tell me where I can find the Harvard University?” “I’m very sorry,” said the serious one, with never a smile. “They’ve locked It up. You see, there are so many Yale tnen in town.”

He was a kindly constable, and had, for long, been answering the inquisitive old lady’s questions to the best of his ability. But he was beginning to tire a little, “And what’s your truncheon for, policeman?” inquired the inquisitive dame. “Ketch a feller a cop over the nob if 'e gets vi’lent!” responded Bobby. “And what are those numbers for?” "Hldentiflcashun purposes, mum,” said Bobby, laconically, turning away. ‘‘And what policeman,” said the old dame, catching him by the arm, “Is that strap under your chin for?” “Well, mum,” snorted Bobby, "that’s ter rest me jaws when I gits tired answerin’ silly Questions.”

When The Iceman Weighs Things.

Ellis H., Parker, detective of Burlington county, New Jersey, besides being a terror to evildoers, is also a great teller of stories and a sportsman. ■He was telling the otiber day of sportsmen’s stories. He said: “Not all fishermen’s tales are lies, but some are told in good faith. Last fall a friend of mine went gunning and shot a wild goose, which he sent to a friend. Before sending it he weighed the bird and found that it totaled just 12 pounds. “Some days afterward he met the man to whom he had sent the bird, who told him how much he enjoyed it . ’That iwas a big bird,’ he said, *and it weighed a lot. Do you know what that bird weighed?’ Just to find out of the weights agreed, the gunner asked him to ’tell. 'Seventeen pounds , that bird weighed.’ “ *When I weighed it it only weighed 12 pounds,’ said the gunner. ) ‘“I know it weighed 17 pounds,’ said the friend, 'because our iceman weighed It.”’

Chantecler.

flhe flaunts him from a hatpin, He’s on Willie’s tennis ball, Mother sports him as a shoe clasp, Jennie on her parasol; Daisy hangs him to her neckchaln. From him Mary takes her tea, Eor Augustus he’s a pipe bowl— ' But I choose him fricassee! —Eva Dean In New York Times.

A Careless Claque.

“Your wife seems vexed with you.” “Yes,” replied Mr. Meekton. "It’s all my fault. Henrietta was reading one •of her speeches to me. I grew inattentive and broke in with laughter where the manuscript called for applause.”— Washington Star.

The New York Whirl.

“Don’t you lose time by living ip Jersey?” “Not much,” answered the Wall street man. “I have deskroom on a ferryboat.”— Louisville Courier-Jour-nal. A man is as fat as he looks; a woman la as fat as she wants to look.

PARADISE, $12.30 A MONTH.

Suburb of Ulndnshun, Eugbwf, Declared m Perfect City. "The most perfect city I have ever seen or heard of is the famous ■ gar den city of Bournville, a suburb, of Birmingham, England,” says a writer in Country Life in America “I was simply transported by the healthfulness, happiness and beauty of the place, and I believe it gives the people more for their money than any other city on earth. Any one who has cherished some noble vision of a glorified humanity would he intensely interested to see Bournville, for part of Bellamy’s ‘Looking Backward’ is here realized. “Can you imagine yourself living four miles from a city the size of lighting or • sewers? Wouldn’t you 5,000 inhabitants, where there are no saloons and never can be any alums, noise, dirt, crowding, factory smells, billboards or streets torn up for gas, lighting or sewers? Woudn’t you like a chance to play golf, tennis, cricket, bowls or hockey under ideal circumstances at a cost of a few cents a day? * “Would you be satisfied with the social life of a community that has splendid schools, churches, baths, gymnasium, meeting house and one-tenth of Its whole area given up to parks and playground? Wouldn’t you feel safer In a city where the national birth rate has been doubled and the death rate cut In two? And what would you say to a handsome brick house of seven rooms and a bath, and an eighth of an acre already planted with fruit trees, vines and lawn, at the rental of $12.30 a month?

‘How can such superb opportunities be given at so low a cost? ‘The city’s chief source of Income is r»nt. Everybody pays $ per cent on the investment actually made in his house and lot. The city’s income doubles every five year (It is now 15 years old) and In 50 years at this rate it will nave an annual income of about $5,000,000. And since It will never have to pay back Mr. Cadbury’s gift of about $775,000, the city will have a large sum available for building other cities like Bournville.”

RECLAIMING THE EVERGLADES.

Occupy More than Halt of Florida South of Lake Okechobee. The Everglades occupy more than half that portion of the .state of Florida south of lake Okechooee—the largest fresh water lake wholly within the United States except Lake Michigan, says Putnam’s. In this vast region there lies upon a subsoil of coraline limestone an immense accumulation of sand, alluvfal deposits and decayed vegetable matter, forming a mass of sand and mud from two to ten feet or more in depth, that overspreads all but a few points of the first strata. Upon the mud rests a sheet of water, its depth varying with the conformation of the bottom, which is very rough and irregular; seldom at dry seasons is it greater than three' feet. The whole is filled with a rank growth of coarse grass eight or ten feet high, with a cerrated edge like a saw, from which it obtains it name of “saw grass.” In many portions of the Everglades the saw grass is so thick as to be impenetrable, but It is intersected by numerous and tortuous channels that form a kind of labyrinth where outlets present themselves in every direction; terminating, however, at long or short distances in impenetrable barriers of grass. The surface of the water is quickly affected by rain, which makes a rapid alternating rise and fall during the wet seasons. The difference of level between highest and lowest stages of water is from two to three feet; the general surface of the Everglades is thus subject to great changes. Small keys are here and there met with, which are dry at seasons; there are many such upon which the soil is very rich. It 1b thought that these keys were in the days long gone, the sites of Indian gardens.

Mixed on His Ologicails.

A small boy in Yonkers recently became the proud possessor of a donkey —not so handsome or so young as Is might have been. However, it answered the purpose of its acquisition, which was to afford back rides, says Llpplncott’s. One day the urchin was enjoying a ride when the minister of the parish met him. “Hello, sonny,” greeted the minister. “Quite a rare beast you have there.” “Yes,” replied the boy, “but I suppose there are a great many of ’em in the theological gardens.”

How He Popped.

He (at party)—Ah, Miss Bright, you are the star of the evening. She —Flatterer! You are the first to tell me so. He—ln that case, then, as discoverer of a new star I am entitled to give It my name. When shall It be? —Boston Transcript

Well Provided For

Benevolent Lady (to show girl)— And, dear child, have you no home? Show Girl-Yes, indeed. My father and mother have both married again and I am welcome at either place.— Life.

The Worm Turns.

Waiter —By the way, sir, how would you like to have your steak? Tired Diner-Very much, Indeed— Life. When a girl says a man is a cad he has probably talked baseball to her till she had to admit that she didn’t know anything about It The flowing bowl looks like a cup of happiness to some men.

Smiles OF TEH DAY

**%*S*f**S**+s**fUJJM ‘la Practical Charity. “See the poor, stray cat.” "Why not toes him some meat?" “No; I believe in teaching others to help themselves. I will throw out some crumbs to attract the blrtls, and maybe the cat can catch one.” —Washington Herald. The Spotllarht Spirit. "The census people promise absolute secrecy concerning any information you may give them.” “Yes,” replied Mrs. Fllmgilt; “I don’t see why they want to waste one’s time on something that isn’t going to get anybody’s name into the newspapers."—Washington Star. The Glrla. Belle —Why do you encourage that stupid Mr. Binks? Nellfe—Why, he vays things I never heard any other :oan say. Belle—Honestly? He proposed?— Cleveland Leader. In Nature’s Mirror.

Mrs. Duck —John, won’t you please stay still a minute —I want to su* if my hat is on straight. t ncoiiacloaa Work. “My wife broke me of the habit of smoking.” “Why, I didn’t know she objected to your smoking.” “She doesn’t.” "Then how came she to break you of the habit?” “She was great on saving, and she bought all my cigars."—Baltimore American. Experience Sufficient.

“What arctic experiences have you had?” was asked of an aspirant for a place in a polar expedition. “I once courted' a Rochester girl.” “Accepted.”—Buffalo Express. A Positive Opinion. “Some people say the comet is-large-ly gas and some say it’s electricity,” said the amateur scientist. - “It’s neither,” replied Mr. Sirius Barker. “If it were one or the other we’d get a monthly bill for it.”— Washington Star. So Mnny Do. “She is an artist, isn't she?” “Well—she—er—paints.” Houston Post. Fool question. i “What time did the burglars leave?” “What time did they leave? Why, they stole the clock!” Cleveland Leader. This Has Began. Census Taker—Please tell me your age, madam. Housekeeper—Five years younger than what the lady in the next flat told you.—Cleveland Leader. Well, Why. Jim —I hate to see women kiss each other. John—Envy? Jim—Naw—pity.—Cleveland Leader. So Thonabtfnl of Her.

Wife—James, don’t be so selfish with the umbrella. Can’t you see mother is getting wet? Hold it over her, too.

Politic. Mrs. Nocash-r-Mercy! You let your girl off every afternoon! Neighbor—Yes, indeed, it is such a saving. The more she is away the fewer dishes she breaks. —Illustrated Bits. The Hardest. Bobby—What wuz the hardest question the teacher asked you to-day? Johnny—She asked me whether I’d rather be licked with a ruler or a strap.—Exchange. Some System. Reporter—How does it come that you’ve been able to run this illicit distillery undisturbed for • twenty years? Mountaineer —I had ten likely lookin’ darters, an’ they all eloped with rev’noo men.—Cleveland Leader. ■» , Not Fit for m Family Circle. The engineers find Gatun dam safe,” read Mr. Jones from his newspaper headlines to grandma, knitting at thp other side of the table. "Well,” she said, looking over her glasses In pained surprise. “I don’t know anything about the safety of Gatun, but I think a family newspaper Oughtn’t to Use SUCh fa print*'—Emporia Gazette.

After Hla Dar •< Pruettoo. “Do you believe in Sunday baseball f* asked the bookkeeper of the shipping clerk. The latter tragically held aloft 4 puffy forefinger with‘a distorted seej ond Jont. “I believe/’ he answered, “that ill Sunday baseball is played at all it should be confined exclusively to professionals." —Cleveland Plain Dealy. Real Class. "What, going to Jilt the duke?” “Yes; I think I’ll marry an American.” “But think of the duke’s castle and! hiß moated grange.” “All very well, but the other fellow owns a garage.”—Kansas City Journal. Expert Indorsement. “Yes,” said Young Mrs. Torkins, "I am sure our garden la going to be a success.” “'So soon?” “Yes, the chickens have tasted everything, and they are perfectly enthusiastic.”—Washington Star. Problems of Bridge. First Bridge Player—l couldn’t make up my mind what to wear. I’ve three hats, hut they’re all out of style. Second Bridge Player—l was in a worse quandary. I have three hats, and they’re all the latest thing.—Life. Memoranda. Professor —It was by the Inscription on this colossal obelisk that we succeeded in positively identifying the mummy of Rameses the First. Uncle Henry—l suppose all that Chinese rigmarole on there was his memoranda of the size of his socks, his watch number, whom to notify in case of death, and such truck? —Puck.

Jnat Like Humana. “Why do you object to being trained and domesticated?” asked the first wild horse. “Because,” replied the second wild horse, “nobody loves a fellow when he’s broke.”—St. Louis Star. Economy of Time and Money. “Co-education is a good thing. The 'boy gets his study and his courting finished simultaneously, and is then ready for work.” “Just so. While the girl can save dad lots of money by marrying In her graduation gown.”—Washington Herald. TWr Maater’a Voice.

His bark is worse than his bite.

Cold Calculation. “Going to take summer boarders this year?” “Yep,” answered Farmer Corntossel. “We don’t need the money, but it’s a good idea to have a lot o’ folks around to share the mosquito bites and lower the average.”—Washington Star. We Have Ideals. “Are we merely a nation of moneygetters?” “Far from it, my boy. The mad rush for wealth is quite offset by the mad rush for the ball park.”—Washington Herald. Fish for Them. Mrs. Farmer—Those ducks have stolen their nests. I haven’t found any eggs in a long time. Bobble Farmer —Perhaps they laid ’em while they was swimmdn’, mamma! —Yonkers Statesman. The Difference. “When I returned from my poker party last night my wife Just looked at me; not a word was spoken.” “My wife looked at me, too, and I don’t believe a word was unspoken.”— Houston Post. A Ilare Experience“No doubt you recall the most enjoyable railroad trip you ever made?" “Oh, yes. It was a short trip of only half a day, but because his private car had been derailed the president of the road was traveling with the common herd in an ordinary Pullman car.” “And you enjoyed the novelty ol traveling in close proximity to the president of the road?" “No; it wasn’t that particularly. ] enjoyed seeing the porter look humble.” —Birmingham Age-Herald.

He Bored Her. “1 understand she said I was a man of deep penetration." “Yes—she something like that.** “Something like that? How?” “Well, ‘penetrate’ means ‘bore,-’ doesn’t It?” —Cleveland Leader, Renewing Acquaintance. "You know that $lO you lent me »» “Not now. Introduce me.”—Cleveland Leader. A Lot* Feoat. •Fat Man—You’re growing stoat. Lean Man—And you’re getting thin. Whereupon they shook nands, smiled, and each mentally* declared the other fellow “a bully good friend.” —Lipplncott’s. Give Her a Medal. Mrs. Gedsby—She says frankly that she can’t phiy bridge, but that Isn't *the best of it. Mrs. Bungwats—What Is? Mrs. Gadaby—She doesn’t try—Bon» ervlUe Journal.

Topies of The Times

The Navy League of Germany hue a membership of 1,031,339 and its funds amount to $8,395,960. Korea has 116 active gold mines, 109 graphite, 34 coal, .29 copper, 7 silver, 3 sine, 2 mercury and 59 various. 1 The population of Japan Is increasing at the rate of 600,000 a year. It la now nearly fifty million, exclusive of Korea.

A married woman in Switzerland is entitled to one-third of her husband’s Income as her Independent property, according to a new law. There Is no barren land in Manchuria. Almost every acre Is cultivated. The yield at beans; the leading staple, is between ten million and eighteen million koku (koku —five bushels) a year. In response to an offer of 165,000 marks for the best plan for the enlargement of Berlin and Its suburbs, twenty-seven papers were received. The prizes were divided among four of these. Japan Is establishing a high technological school In Port Arthur, and is conducting Investigations for'tihe development of productive Industries In Manchuria, says the Taiyo, a Toklo monthly. Miss Ellen Emerson, granddaughter of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Is a trained nurse in the Massachusetts general ■hospital in Boston. She also gives health talks before women’s clubs and similar groups of women. The Sunshine Society Is said to be responsible for the free emergency hospital which is being built at St Petersburg, Fla. It will be under the direction of a board of trustees, with a woman’s auxiliary. It Is to care for cases calling for quick relief and cases of destitution.

A stingy angler was fishing on a Scottish loch on a pouring wet day. He had been consoling himself from Ms flask and forgetting his gillie. Presently he asked the gillie If there was a dry place in the boat on which to strike a match. “You might try my throat,” said the gillie. “It’s dry enough!”—Fishing Gazette. “Even Archimedes,” the philosophical boarder was saying, "was in some respects an impractical theorist. He said he could move the world if he had a fulcrum to rest a lever on, but he never made any attempt to get the fulcrum. Nowadays, I think, he would be called a fourflusher —whatever that is.”—Chicago Tribune. While in India Lord Kitchener visited an out-of-the-way district where a new fort had been erected. He was astonished to find that it was commanded by a hill close by. “I congratulate you, colonel,” said Kitchener to the officer who had selected the site. “What a capital fort! Er —when do you begin to remove the hill?”

A deaf but pious English lady, visiting a small country town in Scotland, went to church armed with an ear trumpet. The elders had never seen one, and viewed it with suspicion and uneasiness. After a short consultation one of them went up to the lady, Just before the opening of the service, and, wagging his finger at her warningly, whispered. “One toot and ye’re ot!” Human Life.

The elevator conductor of a tali office building, noticing that the colored janitor had ridden up with him several times that •morning, remarked: “Sam, this is the fifth time I have taken you up, but you have not come down with me.” “Well, you Bee,” Sam replied, “Ah been washin’ windows on de ’leventh floor, and every now and agin’ Ah misses mah hold and, falls out.”—Success Magazine. The organ used in the Moravian church at Lititz from 1787 to 1879 and from the latter date until recently m the Moravian church at South Bethlehem, will be returned to Lititz and preserved as a relic. It was built by David Tannenberg, the Lititz organ builder. The charge for it was £2OO sterling. A similar one was made for Nazareth in 1793. An organ built by the same man was sent to Madison. Va., in 1801 on three wagons and is still in use. The first organist of the Lititz instrument was John Thomas, Jr., who played it for six years.—Philadelphia Record,

PLIGHT OF ALBANIANS.

Are Moat Set-loo* Problem es Macedonia. The Albanians are exercised over the alphabet. Ghegs and Toscks, ever grateful for a pretext to be at each other’s throats, have found fresh material in the rival Latin and Arabic alphabets, each of which has claims to be employed in the government schools. No sooner, In fact, has Turkey given way to the question of permitting Instruction in the Albanian language than there is a keen struggle over the written character. The Albanians are, in fact, by far the most serious problem of Macedonia. Race difficulties are no noveßy to the Turkish government. It may not be confronted wth the harmonizing of 50 races, including over 2,000 castes, speaking 150 languages and professing nine rival religions. That task la reserved for ourselves In India. Yet Turkey also has her difficulties, and there are races within races, as is the case with the Albanians, which infinitely complicate the problem of government. These Albanians, possibly the oldest stock in the Balkans, are regarded by ethnologists as descended from the ancient Illyri-

ans. They number In all rather leaaf than 2,000,000, of whom 1/500,000 are; Turkish subjects, the remainder belttflj domiciled In Greece, Sicily and Cal*' bria. Of those who people Albania! itself, a little more than the half are Mohammedans, the rest being either of the Orthodox church or Roman Catholics. The division of this nation is not,* however, wholly one of creed. It M necessary to recognize no fewer than six divisions, of which three Are on a geographical basis; the Ohegs, mainly in .the north, with Austrian sympathies; the Toscks, in the south, who lean toward Italy, and the Albanians, of the center, who alternately favor north or south, according to which is stronger at the moment. Each of these parties, again must be divided into two, the one Mohammedan, and the other Christian, and both eternally embroiled in feuds, in which Abdul Hamid encouraged them, that, divided, he might rule them more easily. It is rare for them to make common cause, though they have more than once united under the banner of Turkey from a stronger hatred of Russia. Yet one-half of them are equally unfriendly to the. Turk, and even of the Mohammedans many embraced Islam only to better their position under a regime that did not favor Christianity. Like most mountaineers they are born fighters, though they excel chiefly in guerilla warfare, and would go down before disciplined troops in the field. They march with a good deal of Self-assurance, and more than one D’Artagnan swaggered with the volunteers who marched on the capital last April. Their bravery In the field-lb not equaled by the cunning In the council chamber, and they have always been the victims of political intrigue. Crispi, the Kiuprllis and All Pasha, were the only statesmen of note that they have given to history, but of they can claim such generals as Alexander the Great, Pyrrhus, Diocletian, Scanderbeg and Mehemet All. Like the Kurds, appreciate a vendetta more than a treaty. Not long ago there were signs of rapprochment between Albanian Christians and Mohammedans under the constitution, but once again they are at. daggeredrawn, this time over an alphabet. The excuse serves as well as any other. —'Pall Mall Gazette.

AN OLD-FASHIONED REMEDY.

Camomile Tea, a Bererase of Oar Grandmother*, Again la Favor. If you wish to be beautiful drink, camomile tea and if you wish to. be fashionable drink camomile tea. The advice is easy to folio,w, for the tea, in spite of the fact that it makes for beauty and fashion, is very inexpensive. The fashion is only jußt arriving in New York, the Tribune of that city says, but the women who are growing beautiful on their herb beverage say that all French women drink camomile tea in preference to anything else. A New York woman who is pretty enough not to need complexion improvers was taking luncheon at the home of a friend the other day when she made a discovery. After luncheon coffee was served to .hey- in the usual tiny after-dinner coffee cup, but the other women at the table were drinking from generous big, fat, round cups which looked as if they held half a pint each. “What are you all drinking?” she asked, finally. There was a multi-mil-lionaire banker’s daughter,’ a woman of affairs and a literary woman present. “Camomile tea,” they all answered like a chorus, and then every one laughed. “Is that what has given you that beautiful complexion?” asked the inquisitive visitor of her hostess. “Yes,” answered the one of roses and lilies, "there is nothing like it for the blood and consequently for the complexion. We all drink it three times a day and nothing else. It simply makes you over. The French women drink it and that is what keeps them so fresh and young.” Camomile tea is an old-fafshioned remedy of the days of the grandmother, when it was taken for colds or as a spring tonic.

It is the German camomile flower that is used for making the tea. It is to be found at'the druggists, and two ounces will cost 6 cents, while an ounce will make a pint of strong tea. The druggist will tell fearful inquirers that camomile is, as the beauty seekers say, a good tonic for the blood, that it may be taken In any amount without harm and with really good effects.

The tea is made as other tea is. The boiling water is poured on the little flower, they are allowed to steep for a time and then the liquor is strained into a cup for drinking. It has rather a peculiar flavor, not altogether agree* able, but not distinctly unpleasant.

A Future Food Fakir.

Dr. Harvey W. Wiley, the government’s food expert, was talking about a notorious case of food adulteration. “The morals of these people!” he said. “It is incredible. But I know a little boy who will grow up and Join them some day. I was walking one morning in a meadow when I saw this little boy gathering mushrooms. “ ‘Have you had god luck?* I asked. “ ’Fair,’ he answered, showing me his basket. i “’Why, my lad,’ 1 said, ‘those are toadgtolg yon’ve gw. They’re poison, deadly poison.’ 1 “He tipped me a reassuring wink. “ ’Oh, they ain’t for eating’, si{,’ he said; ‘they’re for sale.’ “ i You can’t please everybody; it makes half the people sors if you please tha other half.