Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 143, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 June 1910 — fEASHES OF FUN [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

fEASHES OF FUN

“What’s alimony, ma?” “It is a man's cash surrender value.”— Town Topics. Black —I buy all of my wife’s dresses. Brown —So do I, but I never pick them out. —St. Louis Star. Stella —I wouldn’t marry the 'best man on earth. Knicker—Have I asked you to? —Harper’s Bazar. ’ “How did you enjoy your vacation?” “Fine! It made a new man of me!” “I congratulate your wife.”—<Jleve land Leader. “Do you know, Imogen, your halt reminds me of Syracuse?” “Pray why?” “Because it’s so near Auburn.”—Cornell Widow. Music Teacher - Why don’t you pause there? Don’t you see that it’s marked “rest”? Pupil—Yes, teacher, but I aren’t tired.—Life. Knicker—How large is their suburban place? Bocker—Large! WJhy, they have to have folding beds for the flowers. —New York Sun. “What was you askin’ for the widder’s bonnet, mum?” “Well—er— l thought nine-pence.” “ ‘E’s very ill, mum. I think I’ll risk it.”—The Tattler. Traveler—But, waiter, I only order ed two eggs. You have brought three Waiter —I know, sah, but I thought possibly one might fail.—Leslie’s Weekly. Little Willie—Say, pa, what is worldly wisdom? Pa —Worldly wisdom, my son, is a perfect knowledge of the failings of our neighbors.—Chicago News. Salesman—Shirt, sir. Will you have a negligee or a stiff bosom? Customer —Negligee, I guess. The doctor said I must avoid starchy things.—Boston Transcript. She—There goes Mrs. Strongmind. She says her husband never spoke a cross word to her but once. He—Yes; you should have seen him the next day.—Home Life. “This talk of enormous canals on Mars seems to fascinate you,” said one statesman. “Yes,” replied the other, “think of the appropriation bills.” —Washington Star. “Does your wife cry when she gets angry?” “Yes,” answered Mr. Meekton. “It isn’t the heat of her temper that distresses me so much as the humidity.”— Washington Star. Physiology Teacher—Clarence, you may explain how we hear things. Clarence —Pa tells ’em to me as a secret and ma gives ’em away at the bridge club.—Cleveland Leader. “Scribbles writes some very pleasing verse.” “Indeed? I’ve never heard of it pleasing anybody.” “Evidently you’ve never observed its effect on Scribbles.” —Birmingham Age-Herald. “Got"bn automobile to sell for $40?” “Not yet,” answered the good-natured dealer, “but you can get into the game for that money. Why not buy a tire to carry around?”—Pittsburg Post. Slum Worker—What a well behaved Hine boy he is! Burglar’s Wise —And he comes by it natural, ma’am. His poor father always got his sentence reduced owin’ to good behavior.— Stray Stories. “I dont like to go to a play and be >- kept in suspense all the time.” Neither do I. Last night 1 thought the woman in front of me wasn’t going to take off her hat, but she finally did.” —Louisville Courier-Journal. “This popular fiction is all bosh. In real life the girl’s father seldom objects to the man of her choice.” “You’re wrong there. He often objects, but he’s usually too wise to say anything.”—Washington Herald. “Do you know that there are millions of germs on a dollar bill?” “So I’ve heard, but if they expect to transfer themselves from the bill to me while it is in my possession, they’ll have to step lively.”—Birmingham Age-Herald. The Rev. Dr. Putemtosleep—Deacon Goodlelgh walked right out of church in the middle of my sermon. I wonder if I offended him. Mrs. Goodlelgh—Don’t let that worry you, doctor. He has been a somnahibulist for years.—Philadelphia Record. “She’s the meanest woman I know of.” . “What makes you say that when you don’t even know her to speak to?” “I know, but she’s the woman on the other half of our party telepuone line.”—Detroit Free Press. “I have a little volume here,'’ began the agent. “Git out an’ shet tho door, durn you!” shouted the victim. “I hain’t got no use for no sech tresh!” “yes you have,” countered the caller. “This is a treatise on •Good Mariners and Good Grammar.’ ” —Cleveland Leader. Nervous and Inexperienced Host (rising hurriedly at the conclusion of a song)—Ladies and—er —gentlemen, before h-a started to—er —sing, Mr. Bawnall asked me to apologize for his —er —voice, but I —er —omitted to do so—er—so I —er apologize now!—London Opinion. Lady (prospecting—for a cook) Now, I want a girl who will be able to think for herself; one that I won’t have to watch and correct every minute of the day I want one in whom I can repose perfect confidence, sure that she will get the meals at the time and in the way I like them- I a book Superintendent of Intelligence Office—Excuse me, ma’am, but you don’t want a cook. What you want is a Fairy Godmother!—Puck.