Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 141, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 June 1910 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

“Jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting the othei night. Were his plans carried out?” “No, Jake was.” Wigwag-—I never knew such a fellow as Bjones! He is always looking for trouble. Henpecked—Then why doesn’t he get married? Boston Courier. Willie —Ma, can't I go out bn the street for a little while? Tommy Jones says there’s a comet to be seen. Mother—Well, yes; but don't you go too near. ' “H wasn’t much trouble to wind up poor old Sleezem’s affairs when- he died.” “No?” “All the property he left behind was a silver -watch.” —Birmingham Age-HCrald. “My new hat is a poem,” she said enthusiastically, “f have just received the bill for it,” replied he. “I don’t understand these stories of so many poets djing in poverty.”—Washington Star. “Why do you make that patient wait three hours every day in your anteroom?” . “He needs rest,” explained the doctor, “and that is the only way I can compel him to take it.”—Cour-ier-Journal. 1 English is a funny language, after all, isn’t it?” “Why so?” “I heard a man talking of a political candidate the other day say: ‘lf he. only takes this stand when he runs he’ll have a walk-over.’ ” Fancier—This dog, madam, would be cheap at SIOO. Lady—l would take him; but I’m afraid my husband might object. Fancier—Madam, you can get another husband much easier than a deg like that. Squire Durnitt (of Lonelyville) Our town's got--the four biggest-liars in the State. Uncle Welby Gosh (of Drearyhurst)—l guess that's right. You’re three of ’em. Who's the fourth? ■ —Chicago Tribune. Chief of Detectives—Now give us a description of your missing cashier. How tall was Ire? Business Man—l don’t know how tall he was. What worries me is that he was $25,000 short.—Philadelphia Record. “Have you been married, Bridget?” “Twictet, mum.” “And have you any children?” “Yis, mum—l’ve three. One be th’ third wife av me second husband, an’ two be the second wife av me first.”—Cleveland Leader. “My dear brother,” said the clerical looking man, “are you doing anything to keep your brother from falling?” “Why, yes,” was the reply. “I’m interested in a concern that manufactures lamp-posts!” Boston Courier. Mrs. Starvem—How do you like the chicken soup, Mr. Newbord? Mr. Newbord—Oh—er—is this chicken soup? Mrs. Starvem—Certainly, how do you like it? Mr. Newbord—Weller—it’s certainly very tender.—Catholic Standard and Times. Author—Have courage, my boy, I tried for ten years to sell my manuscript and finally 'Literary Aspirant —You succeeded? Author—No. I was the means of raising the local postoffice from the third to the second class.—Chicago Daily News. “I believe we ought to have a change in our constitution, providing that only citizens who could read and write good English should be permitted to vote.” “What’s your object? Do you want to shut out the college graduates?”—Chicago Record-Herald. “Before we were married,” sighs the fond wife, “you used to call me up by long-distance telephone just to hear my voice.” “Well,” retorts the rebellious husband, "nowadays you won’t let me get far enough from you to use the long-distance."—Chicago Post. "I endeavor not to make any distinction as to my servants,” says the new mistress. “My rule is to treat each of them as one of the family.” “Yes, mum,” replies the new girl, “but if it’s all the same to you I’d rather be treated with respect.”—Chicago Post. "So you think the bluffers are faking about their extended European tour?” "I should say so. They said there were so many Americans in Venice that many had to walk in the middle of the street?” “Well?” "Why, rue streets of Venice are canals."— Springfield Union. The Man—Did you notice that woman «e just passed? The ’Woman—The one with blond puffs and a fur hat and a military cape, who was dreadfully made up, and had awfully soiled gloves on? The Man —Yes, that one. The Woman —No. I didn't notice her. Why?-—Cleveland Leader. Mrs. Crimsonbeak —It is sajd that the five great original forests of the United States covered eight hundred and fifty million acres and contained fifty two billion feet of lumber. Mr. Crimsonbeak—ln those days, you sec* there was some place for a man to go when Lis wife cleaned house.—Yonkers Statesman. “I understand, Miss Araminta,” said the professor, “that you are inclined toward literature/’ “Yes,” said the blushing spinster, “I wrote for the Bugle Magazine last month.” “Indeed!May I ask what?” asked the professor. “I addressed all the envelopes for the rejected manuscripts,” said Araminta, proudly. Harper’s Weekly. *