Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 111, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 May 1910 — Page 3

Smiles of The Day

Organizer of Village Concert (to >small farmer, reputed owner of a pianoforte)—Excuse me, Mr. Mangold, but would you be so kind as to lend us your pianoforte for the concert at the schools?” Small Farmer—Take it, takp it! But, mind, I doan’U suppose you'll find all the noates in’t, for when my missus' wants a bit o’ wire she* alius goes to the old planner.—Tit-Bits. After Service Easter Sunday. He (thinking of sermon) —Quite a novel treatment, eh? She (thinking of the hat in front) —Yes; but too glaringly a bargain, •don’t you think?—Judge. Complimentary. She (to partner claiming first •dance)—You are qn early bird, Mr. •Glossinest. » • He (gallantly))—Yes, and by Jove, I’ve caught the worm.—M. A. P. A Wonderful Invention.

‘‘Here is something new, .madam — ■permanent hairpins. You cannot lose them.” “How is that possible?” “They are fastened to the hair. In fact, you buy them along with the hair." Science Versus Tact. “Frank, never bring that scientific man to our house again,” “What’s the matter?” "I never saw such impudence! He «ays the diamonds I wear are merely another form of charcoal; the idea-” —Life. Father’s Dinner. A little boy was sent to a shop by ■<ils mother, and, desirous to get away to play, he made all the haste he •could. The shop was full of customers when he derived, but he pushed himself to the front and cried out: “I say, grocer, will you serve me •Quick? It’s for my father’s dinner?” “Well, what do yob want, my little tafin?” said the grocer,, leaving the ■customer he was serving. “Two pounds of soft soap and a packet of washing powder,” was the quick response.—London Telegraph. Her Shopping; Inatinct. Kate —So Maude broke her engagement with Jack because the doctor said he* had a tobacco heart. Belle —Yes, and I don’t blame her. Who wants a husband that’s damaged by smoke? —Boston Transcript. Taking; Time Out. Roebottpm was a roofer. One day, as he wsts lunching, he was heard to give a yell of pain. “What’s the matter, Roebottom?” a carpenter asked. ‘‘l got a nail in my foot," the roofer answered. “Well, why don’t you pull it out?” •aid the carpenter. “What! In my dinner hour?” yelled Roebottom, reproachfully.— Record. A Swan Souk, Ar It Were.

Friend—Why did you "honk” then? Autolst—l didn’t honk. We ran over a goose. A Do»en Chantecler Hats. "Mrs. De Spidster has a dozen new chantecler hats!” “Well, if she put on the whole dozen «t once they wouldn’t make her look like a spring chicken.” —Judge. Lost. Husband —I am ruined, and my eon’s musical career cannot continue. Go to the barber’s, Karl, and get your hair cut—Fllegende Blatter. The Alternative. Aseum (after the performance)—l shouldn't think you’d care to take part in amateur theatricals. - Sinn lek son (one of the cast) —I don’t; but if I didn’t I’d probably have to sit in the audience. Not Always. “Dods your boss always address you by your Christian name?” "Only when he’s feeling good. When he's sore, he calls me th? most unchristian names he can lay his tdhgue to.” —Cleveland Leader. A Bright One. Mr, Jinks —Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles. Mrs, it- may not be exactly polite, but ft shows he has a sense of humor

Hopeless. "Yourstore is no good, sir! 1 asked for lace wee£ and I couldn’t get ’em.” “Indeed?" “Yes. And I asked for silk socks yesterday and I couldn’t get ’em.” "That’s strange." **And to-day I ask for credit and can’t even get that. Is this a regular store, or what?—Cleveland Leader. Her Clever Motive. "So you are going to housekeeping as soon as you’re married? I thought you had made up your mind to board.” “Yes, but George is equally determined to have a house of our own.” “And so you are going to keep house in order to please George?” “No. I’m going to keep houke so that George will be glad to board.”— Cleveland Plain Dealer. Cheap Extravagance. • “Say, the amoqnt of capital of that new trust won’t fill this head llpe.” “How .much is It?” “It’s $300,000,000.” "Add another cipher."—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Silence. Cynicus—lt is impossible for a woman to keep a secret. Henpeck—l don’t know about that. My wife and l were engaged for sevweeks before she said .anything to me about it.—Tit-Bits. Her Secret. Mrs. Green—How do you get your little boy to behave so nicely at table before visitors? Mrs. Wise—Easily enough. You'see, I give him plenty of cake before we sit down —Boston Transcript. Art. “How are you getting on as a newspaper artist?” “Rapidly. They now allow one to draw the crosses showing where the tragedy occurred.” —Cleveland Leader. Unneceuarr Advice. “Governor Hadley says every man should keep a cow.” “Well, judging from the size of our milk bills, I guess I keep a cow and a couple of hired men.” —Houstoh Post. Foolish. “Her father says Georgie must be taught to swim.” •,,, "How foolish, when everybody is learning to fly.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Eosins His Standing;.■__

“Why did you quit coming to Sunday school, James?” “Aw, I had to —I was losin’ me standin’ wid de gang.” Not Quite Qualified. Policeman—Do you have to take care of the dog? Nurse Girl—No. The» missis says I’m too young and inexperienced. I only look after the children.—Life.

Experience Taught Him. “My borrowing this money of you wont’ hurt our friendship, will It?” “No, indeed. I must keep friendly in order to feet it back.” Glad He Went. “There was a thunder of jtpplause when I left the stage." “Serves you right. You shouldn’t stay on so long.” Oh I Theae Jealous Girls. Her Mother—Have you told any one that Tom proposed to you?” Alice —No one but Betty Smith, who thought he was going to propose to her. Great. Manager—l’ve got a new idea for a melodrama that ouaht to make a hit. Writer —What is t? Manager—The idea is to introduce a cyclone into the first act that will kill all the actors. * Wealth. “He has eight fine looking daughters.” “Gee! And is he as rich in dollars as he is in daughters?” “Just about. I -think he’s worth about SB." —Cleveland Leader. i How He Raised It. “That man raises wheat and barley as.high as your shoulders.” “A scientific farmer, is he?” “No. • A strong man.” —St. Lduis Star. Columbus’ Fleet. The entire fleet of Columbus was worth only $3,000, and the explorer’s salary was S3OO a year. * * Not Her. The Doctor—Mrs. Murphy, you must be at your husband’s side constantly, as you will need to hand him something every little while. Mrs. Murphy—Nlver, doctor! Fur be it from me to hit a man whin he’s down! —Puck.' Unkind“I think," she said, “I should like to marry an imaginative man.” “Well, said her friend, speaking very sweetly, “what other kind of a man can you possibly expect to marry, if he has a shanco to see you in day-

THE BASEBALL GAME. What thekfanajker'ttasto Sayto the Press and to the Player. In the newspaper columns the manager said, according to Puck: “There’s nothing can keep us from forging ahead. We’ve signed young Adair, of the Tarrytown team, a pitcher of wonderful power and steam, of perfect control and of changeable speed, a peach, a phenom and a marvel indeed!” But here’s how he spoke to young Johnny Adair: "Get busy, you moke! ! Quitcher fannln* the air! You ain’t in no game on the old village lot; this isn’t no peaceful an’ pastoral spot where the sweet little maidens say ‘lsn’t he grand!’ when you come to the plate with the stick in yer hand. “Who said you could pitch? Say. who taught you to throw? Don’t stand there an’ twitch—ain’t there nuthin’ you know? To think that I paid out good money to buy a mudheaded Rube with an arm like a fly!” In the newspaper columns the manager said: “The days of the baiting of umpires are fled. My men have offended, it’s true, in the past, but now we have struck a new era at last. The umpire shall never be baited again; at least, I can promise you none of my men will ever be heard with a rowdyish vim to .curse at the umpire or 'quarrel with/ hlm;" ... ~ But here’s how he spoke in a subsequent game: “Go’wan, you big bloke, that decision’s a frame! Ye’re rotten, ye’re fierce, ye’re a boob, ye’re a lime; to make you an ump was a sin an’ a crime! You talk like an oyster, you act like a yap; I’ve a good mind to wallop you one on the trap. You robber! You yeggman! Ye’jp fearful, ye’re rank, yer proper profession is rohbin’ a bank!” In the newspaper columns the manager said: “The ructions that racked us aforetime are dead. The team and the people, the owner and I, are working together with high. Our fights are forgotten; and people can see that what we’ve achieved is a close harmony. The failures and quarrels that balked us are done, we’re after the pennant—it’s got to be won!” But here’s how he spoke to a comrade of his: “Me heart is fair broke and I’m put on the friz! The owner keeps buttin’ in day after day. The players are askin’ fer twice .as much pay, the captain’s a scream with a brain like a ham, the outfit does nothin’ but knock me kerslam! The pitcher can’t pitch an’ the catcher’s a mutt, the fielders are better than usual —but!—The ticket men graft and the treasurer steals; I’m worn to a frazzle; I can’t eat my meals. It’s nothing but jangle and wrangle and yell—did some one say ’Harmony.’ Harmony—h—l!”

Salvation in General Enlightenment.

We may say, according to Charles Edward Russell, in Success Magazine, that next to general health and the best possible environments for the people, the welfare of business demands universal education, and that of the highest type. For its safety and permanence it requires a public too well informed to riSe up and rend man’s source of supply because worldwide conditions produce disagreeable results; a public too well informed to listen to the foolish Imaginings of incompetents and the dull party leaders. Business ought to see to this. In the opinion of foreign visitors that take good note s os us, we are politically the least informed of all civilized peoples. Cabmen in Paris and yokels in Germany will discuss political problems with far more intelligence than the average American Congressman. The evils of such a condition are not merely sentimental, but most practical—as we are very likely to find before long. The surest ally of business (that in the present stage of evolution supplies our primal necessities) Is a high and general itaeligence.

A Useful Work.

It was hard work sellirffe books. The volumes, one of which the agent had to carry with him as a sample, were very bulky and heavy, and nobody seemed to want them. But the agent was a persistent fellow, and even the stubborn Mrs. Butts could not send him away unheard. “We have all the books we can use,” she was saying, “and we really can’t afford any more reading-matter. Why, I haven’t even opened the second volume of that Roman History you sold us last spring. Now, if you were selling one of those adjustable Ironing boards ” “I’ve got just the thing,” said the agent, cheerfully. “There are twelve books in this set, and you can use either one or two or three, and so on up to six,- to tilt your board any way you want to. And between whiles, when your iron is heating, you have good literature right at hand.”

Grand Feat of Balancing.

A certain English mayor—the London Dally Telegraph tells of him—whose period of office had come to an end, was surveying the work of the year. “I have endeavored,” he said, with an air of conscious rectitude, “to administer justice without swerving to partiality on the one hand or. Impartiality on the other.”

So Different.

Angeline (aged 7)—Have you ever loved before, Claude? Claude (aged 8)—No, Nearest; nothing but dogs and goats and relatives.

Thanksgiving.

The (first Thanksgiving proclamations were issued by Congress taring ths Revolutionary Wnt.

GOOD SHORT STORIES

The world-famous conductor, Dr. Hans Richter, is a man of many likes and dislikes, and had very abrupt manners when engaged in his work. At a rehearsal some time ago the conductor was much annoyed at the calm way the players were taking the impassioned music. “Gentlemen, gentlemen," said he, stopping short, “you’re all playing like married men, not like lovers.” • Thackeray, anxious to enter Parliament, stood for Oxford, thinking be might win the seat from Lord Monck, who then represented it. Meeting his opponent in the street one day, Thackeray shook hands with him, had a little talk over the situation and took leave of him with the quotation, “May the best man win!” “I hope not,” said Lord Monck very cordially, with a pleasant little bow. A hotel keeper near New York city is a Frenchman, and his family know little more about English than he does. His suburban hotel stands irf the center of a square filled with -large trees. When— the proprietor wanted to cqll attention to this advantagehe put on his cards, “The most shady hotel around New York.” The reputation of the place is beyond reproach and the proprietor does not know yet why so many persons smile when they read the line quoted. Chairman Koskiatowsky of the congressional committee on immigration, rapped that body to order (according to Lippincott’s Magazine). “We will naw hear those who desire to speak on the new bill for the restriction of immigration;” he announced. Where" upon Messrs. Amazuma, Hip Lung, O’Laughlin, MacDougal, D’Eauvre, Schwartzenfest, Spagaroni, Kumar Ghosh and Navarrez made Eloquent talks in favor of putting up the immigration bars, so as to preserve the purity of the great American race. Mr. John Jones spoke in favor of opening the doors to all, but he roundly hissed as’ being un-American. The bill was favorably reported. Senator Tillman became reminiscent one stormy day: “Yes, this is bad weather. It is nothing to London, though. Once, on a dripping water day in London, a sulphur-brown or pea-soup fog in the air, and everybody drenched to the skin, I sat on a bus top beside a Parsee in a red fez. When the Parsee got off, the driver of the bus, touching his hat with his whip, said to me: ‘Would you mind tellin’ me, sir, what sort o’ chap that is?’ ‘He’s a Parsee,’ said I. ‘An Indian, you know; a sun worshiper.’ 'Worships the sun, does he, sir?’ said the wet and shivering driver. ‘I suppogp he’s come ’ere to ’ave a rest?’ ” Richard A. Ballinger, secretary of the interior, tells of his first law oase which he had at Kankakee, 111. “I had hung out my shingle a good while before any client arrived,” he said. “Finally, one came. He was a weak, meek being whom three determined women had wedded in rapid succession, and he was being tried for bigamy. As all of the wives appeared against him we lost the case, and he got a term of two years, but? this did not seem to worry him —in fact, he seemed anxious for more. He was taken to the penitentiary, and just before his term ended I got a letter from him. ‘Do you think,’ the bigamist asked anxiously, ‘it will be safe for me to come out?’ ”

LOTS OF COTTON NEEDED.

Only Steel Excels It in Manufacturing Importance. Cotton enters into the manufacture of more articles of commerce to-day than any other commodity except steel. Eliminate cotton and the stoppage of spindles and looms would be but a trifle compared to the paralysis that would visit countless other Industries. The railroads of America consume 250,000 bales of cotton annually. Cotton duck Is the basis of the airbrake hose, of enameled ceilings, according to The Technical World. The plush chairs are of cotton; the “leather” seats are of cotton. Automobiles require about 290,000 bales annually for the manufacture of tires and about 35,000 for the manufacture of “leather” seats and cushions. More cotton Is used each year to harvest and market the grain crops of the world than would be required to clothe the Inhabitants of a large city. Electricity, powerful as It is, cannot get along without cotton. Millions of miles of copper wire annually owe the perfection of their insulation to cotton yarn or tape or cotton cloth. The armies of the world to-day are clothed in cotton cloth—khaki—or something similar. This country alone requires about 5,000,000 yards of 8ounce khaki cloth annually for its army. The navies and merchant ships of the world use more cotton duck to-day than was required in the days of sailing vessels. Millions of yards of cotton cloth are used by the tobacco industry for growing' tobacco under shade and making bags for smoking tobacco. Cotton bags have displaced barrels to a great extent In the shipment of sugar, salt and flour. Cotton Is used in the mining and marketing of coal. About 15,000,000 yards of cotton duck annually is made into coal bags. About 20,000,000 yards of cotton duck is made into overcoats with blanket lining, to take the place of heavy

wool and fur garments in the American and Canadian northwest. Thousands of bales annually are required to make cotton duck to place around the asbestos sectional covering In which the steam hot water pipes of flreproof buildings are enclosed. Cotton blankets have displaced woolen blankets in many important markets of the world. Cotton cloth has taken the place of wall paper in thousands of modern homes. Cement companies use about 8,000,000 yards of cotton bagging annually. The government requires about 4,000,000 yards of cotton duck annually for coin bags. Millions of yards of duck 46 inches wide are used annually for the purpose of filtering oils. Cotton duck Is the basis of rubber belting and all kinds of hose. Sales to these branches oi the trade amount to 50,000,000 yards annually. Millions of yards of cotton cloth are used in large cloth signs and advertisements. More cotton is used in “linen” shirts and collars than linen. Mercerized cotton goods to the extent of hundreds of millions of yards sell in competition with silk. Cotton is used to a greater or less extent in all but the most expensive of woolen fabrics. These items furnish a few of the reasons why the world needs 3,000,000 bales more cotton than it did five years ago, notwithstanding the fact that new markets have not been extensively developed and the world’s population has shown no sudden increase.

AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.

The proprietor of a certain hotel on the Maine coast had been much harassed by the accusations of guests who “overslept,” and thereby failed to make connections or keep appointments. They invariably insisted they had never been called, abused his employes as well as himself, and declared they would never stop with him again. Of course they usually did stop, but that did not altogether even matters from the proprietor’s standpoint. At last, after long and anxious thought, he hit upon a plan which seemed calculated to insure justice and satisfaction to all parties. It was one of the most abusive of his patrons under the old regulations on whom the new scheme was JJrst tried. He had retired with reiterated injunctions to wake him in time to catch that 5 o'clock train. It was midwinter. The proprietor had learned by experience how difficult of persuasion is a sound sleeper in a warm bed at that hour of the morning. At quarter past 4 there was a loud rap upon the guest’s door. No answer. Then a still louder summons. “What’s the matter?” came the response. “Get up, quick, sir—please,” in a tone of excitement, “and sign this receipt!” “Receipt?” “Yes, sir; here it is and here’s the pencil. Right quick, sir, please! It’s very important—won’t take you a minute, sir, to sign It!” Muttering Incoherently, the guest stumbled out of bed. The very strangeness of the demand had roused him as 'doubtless no ordinary summons could do. Unlocking the door, he thrust out his hand, confused ideas of registered letters, checks, legacies, crowding upon bls half-awakened senses. The paper which he drew inside bore the date and "Called at 4:15, as requested. Sign hete.”

The Price of Meat.

The young mother, who excused herself for placing her 5-year-old child In school on the ground that she had already exhausted her resources on her progressive offspring, should sympathize deeply with the distracted instructors who are endeavoring to hold their own with the practical children of the day. The teacher In a city school had laid aside the book and was drawing on her imagination for examples in fractions. In the first place, this teacher, just out of the normal college, had never in her Hfe gone marketing. And she was absorbed In getting numbers capable of the divisions she had In mind. '• “Suppose,” she suggested, confidently, “the butcher asks you 42 cents a pound for beef, at that price what would three and three-sevenths pounds come to?” The scrawny girl to whom this was propounded, who had traveled Innumerable times the distance between her home and the grocer’s and butcher’s, giggled a little—not without contempt. J “It wouldn’t come to our flat,” she stated, decidedly. “Ma’d send me back good ’n’ lively if I didn’t know better’n to pay that much for beef myself.”

How Piccadilly Was Named.

It's curous how the names of towns and streets come from something that has been the fashion of the day. Who knows where the word "Piccadilly" originated from, the name of that wonderful street of which It was written that “some make love and some make poetry in Plccadill?" The Street was built by a tailor named Higgins, whose fortune was made in a kind of collar called Piccadel or Pickadlll or Plccadllley, which was_ worn by all the beaus of the day. Of course it is not meant that the street as it stands to-day was built by him, but he erected a few houses to which he gave the name the street now bears.— London Saturday Review. Men are more or less afraid of a woman is flattery proof. .

GREAT THIRST OF A TEXAN.

Which He Wa. Glad to Aaaaac* at Ce»t of 040 Acres of Rich “I was a guest of a native of tho rich Brazos bottoms in Texas one time,”- said a New York man, according to the Sun of that city, "and he was entertaining me on a tramp. Pausing at a certain spot, he glanced over the land and then gave his arm a sweep and said: “ ‘As far as you can see in all ways from here Ties about the most fertile stretch of the whole Brazos bottoms, and that means the richest stretch of soil in the whole known world, sir; and all that section, 640 acres, was bought, sir, by. one drink of water.’ “I. made appropriate expression of amazement at this deal in Texas real estate and of course asked for a* detailed statement. , “‘Yes, sir,’ said my Texan friend, ‘64o'acres of the richest land in Texas, which means In all the world, for one drink of water. It isn’t strange, either, when you come to think about it,’ said the Texan musingly. ‘l’ve seen the time more than once, I’m afraid, vhen I’d have given more land than that if I’d had it for a good long pull at the water pitcher myself. “ ‘lt was quite a while ago all this happened, sixty years ago, I guess. It came off at Corsicana. One day a man went there to do some trading. Afterward hq bought the oTd stuffso pers'stently that they had to stow him away one night in a corner of Dominie Jester’s big loft. That was the last that was heard from him until along about 1 o’clock in the morning. Then he woke with a terrible consuming alkali desert thirst. There was no water in the loft and he didn’t know how to find the way to the lad, der to get down out of it. He put his head out of the window and as the moon was shining he saw the forms of a number of men stretched out on the grass belliw. “‘“Hey, down thar!" he yelled. “Come up h’yar, one o’ you, with a bucket o’ water an’ I’ll hand you a dollar!” He met with no response and yelled louder than ever, repeating the offer; adding that if he didn’t get a drink of water mighty soon he would take fire and go up in flames, but nc one below moved. Then he found hit gun lying on the floor and yelled out of the window: "If some! o’ you galoots down that don’t wake up an’ say suthln’ I’ll send you whar you’ll be beggln’ fer a drink yourselves from now on an’ forever till your tongues hang out.”? “ ‘That caused one of the men below to stir and yell back: “Send an’ be hanged! What you want up thar?* "“‘I want a drink of water,” th« man in the loft yelled back. "An* I’ll give a Hollar fer a bucketful this hyar minute!” “Hey,” the man on the grass yelled back, “reckon you don’t want water so rantankerous bad if ’that’s all it’s wuth to you!” “ ‘ “If any galoot down thar totes ms up a bucket o' water,” the man in ths loft yelled again, “I’ll give him a suttifkit fo' 320 acres o’ Brazos bottom!" “ ‘Land certificates were the chief circulating medium in those days on the Texas frontier. To this offer the man below yelled back: Yah! I wouldn’t climb the ladder to you upstairs whar yo’ is—-not fo’ no setch foolishness as that.” ““‘l’ll give yo’ a suttlfklt fo’ 640 acres o’ Brazos bottom fo’ one bucket o’ water!” the man in the loft yelled to the one below. “An* yo’ take up with that offer an* tote the bucket or I’ll give you’ all thar is in this hyar fo’ty-fo’ o’ mine. I reckon yo’ heah me!” “ "The man below mused a while and then yelled to the thirsty man at the loft window: “ ‘ “ ’Pears like you air suff*n some fo’ moistenin’', Connel, after all. J reckon I’ll ’cede to that offer o* yo’n an’ tote yo’ up the moistur.’ ” . “’The man got up, drew a bucket of water from the well in the yard and climbed the ladder to the loft. The thirsty man took a long drink. Then he paused for breath and exclaimed: ““‘Ah-h-h! Podner, yo’ have sho’ly saved my life. An’ I wish to remark, sub, that yo’ve saved yo’ own life, too?’ “ ‘Then he drank the. |est of the water in the bucket and went back to his corner in the loft. “ ‘The man who had toted the bucket returned to his place On the grass below. Next morning the lodger in the loft came down, woke the man on the grass who had saved his life and incidentally his own and handed him a certificate for 640 acres of land in the Brazos bottom. And there it lies, sir,' said my Texas friend with another sweep of his arm, *the richest spread o? farm land in the known world, worth to-day SIOO an acre if it’s worth a cent, and all bought for a drink of water.’ ”

Servant Women No More.

During the last thirty years the demand for servants has doubled, while the supply has increased only by half —in the last decade only by 5 per cent In 1870 there was one to every twelve; even in the recent crisis, when the cities were filled with unemployed, the demand still outran the supply. And yet, during the thirty years past, the number of self-supporting women—that is, the actual labor more than trebled. Forty years ago a woman thrown upon her own resources would tend to select housework for a living; in fact, one woman In two did so select Thirty years ago only , every third woman engaged in domestic service. Ten years ago only one In four rapped at the kitchen door. The others applied—where? Everyone knows; at the shop, the factory.the store.-* McClure’s.