Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 104, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 May 1910 — Page 3

Smiles OF THE Day

Some Relief. “So you don’t mind the high cost of living ?” “Not as much as I expected to,” replied young Mrs. Torkins. “Charley is 30 busy finding fault with the bills that he forgets to talk about the cooking.” —Washington Star. Accelerating: the Game. “I will play bridge with you on condition that you adopt a certain rule.” “What is it?" “The dealer must not tell anecdotes.” —Washington Herald. Am It In To-Bay. Bloodgodd—How’s your wife, old man? Van Dorn—The society coliwnns re*>ort that she’s starting for Lenox.— Harper’s Bazar. _ Located. “The paper says that De Tanquc presided at the banquet, but I didn’t see him.” “That’s funny; he was right under the head of the table.”—Pnck. Weill Who Are Yon?

IVo Space Wanted. Dewitt—Does your wife follow the fashions closely? Jewett—l should say so; she has one o| these “standing room only” dresses. In the Glonminfg. “You were a long time getting me, John, dear!” “And you were a long time waiting, pet!”—The Circle. Complimentary. Everbroke—l want to pay you something on account. Tailor—Ah! I'm glad to see you. Everbroke—Yes; I want to pay you a compliment on your artistic way of dunning. No—not a word —you deserve it. Good morning! How It Was. “I certainly admire that .man.” “What in the world for?” “His will power.” “He has no will power at all.” “Why, he told me that he just made up his mind to. quit smoking and he quit.” “He’s lying; his wife made up her mind and he quit.”—Houston Post. Prompt. Father—Do you find Robert prompt at the office? His Employer—Yes, indeed. I never 3aw in my life a young man who could get out of the office at 5 o’clock with less delay.—Philadelphia North American. Easily nomeilled. Patron—This set of teeth you made for me is too big. Dentist—Yes, sir. Sit down in the chair and I will enlarge your mouth a little. —Boston Transcript. Drawing the Line at Dnaton. Boston Mother—Gladys, you ought to play with your little cousin Waldo and be more courteous to him. Boston Little Girl—No, I will not, mother. He admits that he does not consider suffrage essential to woman's highest development.—Life. I‘repnrlng for the Future.

Boss—What’s that? New Boy—l say, do you raise a man’s salary here when he gits married? It All Depend)*. Teacher —Now, boys, here’s a little example in mental arithmetic. How old would a person be /who was born In 1875? Pupil—Please, teacher, was it a man or a woman? —Gentlewoman. Sale Offer. "That storekeeper has offered a suit of clothes to the best guesser.” . “What must he guess—the number of seed in a pumpkin?” “No—who is to blame for the high cost of living.”—Houston Post. All Off. “War in the East was very imminent in the magazine I take.” “Well?” • ■ . “But the darn thing changed editors.” An Example. He—A philosopher says: “The only thing worth while in life is trying to <Io something you can't —and doing it.” She (sweetly)—ls that the, way you play bridge?—Life. +

People Ai». Different. Chief Justice Taney, driving througn the Tennessee mountains, once broke one of the shafts of his buggy. A small colored boy came riding by to a mule. The Justice hailed him. “Here, my boy,” he said, “can you help me fix my* buggy?” “Sure, boss,”'answered the boy, and, cutting a hickory withe, he soon fixed the shaft so that it was quite serviceable. “Well, well,” said the learned Judge, “now, why couldn’t I have done that?” “I dunno, boss,” replied his “first aid,” “unless some folks knows more than others.”—Success. A Difference. “That man you see over there is a sky pilot.” 4 “Pulpit or airship?”—Boston American. Oh, Merer! “What a-queer title Dipps has given his new novel; he calls it ‘Solid Cement.’ ” “Not so queer when you come to think of it.” / ’ “How’s that?” “It makes the best cellar.”—Boston Herald. The Simple I.lfe. A traveler in Georgia observed a bis negro leaning heavily against a fence in the shade of a cottonwood tree. Drawing rein he inquired: “Tired, George?” The negro showed disgust., “Tlahed? Who, me? No, suh, am’h not tiahed. Ah’m a hoein’ this yere patch o’ cd’n an’ ah’m waitin’ foh the sun to git down so’s ah kin go home.” —The Circle. Convincing. First Suffragette—Do you consider militant methods the best way to call attention to. our cause? .. Second Suffragette— Why not? A brick might possibly catch the eye Life. Beyond Sinking Up. “My mind is made up/’ quoth the haughty society girl decidedly. “Just like the rest of you,” replied the ungentlemanly man. —Minne-ha-ha. Very Unconventional. “Is this proposal the result of a bet, or a joke, or a dare?” asked the girl. “No; I ask you to marry me because I love you.” “It is unusual, but, after all, the unusual is the proper caper nowadays. I accept you, Algernon.”—Kansas City Journal. He Had Seen It Work.

Mrs. Packer Porke—l wonder ho* we can arrange that the guests wdl enter the dining room in their proper order of precedence? Mr. Packer Porke (brightly)—Run ’em through a chute. Unreal. "I dreamed last night,” said Mrs. Nagget, “that I was in a store th&t was just full of the loveliest fur coats ” “But,” interrupted her husband, hastily, “that was only a dream, my dear »» “Yes, I knew it was before I woke up, because you bought me one.”— Catholic Standard and Times. Betwixt Two Evil*. Old Gentleman—What’s the matter, my little man? The Little Boy—Boo-hoo! I’m so c-c-c-c-old. The Kind Old Gentleman—Well, why don’t you go indoorb? The Little Boy—'Cos muwer says she’ll warm me if I does.—The Sketch. Her Choice. “Which would you rather have—brains or beauty?” “A porterhouse steak. I don’t likebrains.”—Houston Post. Just an Good. "Going to make, a garden this spring?” “No; my wife persuaded me to put the money into her hat.” —Kansas City Journal. In Good Position to Know. “Can you always tell when a man cares for a woman?” “You bet I can. I’m a florist.—SL Louis Star. Brilliant. “Clever ?” “Oh! yes. She is so bright that she can actually say cute things into an ear-trumpet!”—Puck. Up to Date. “Is it an up-to-date show?” “You bet it is.” “Does the rising curtain show the soubrette busily dusting the furniture with a feather duster?” “Not on your life—it shows her working a vacuum cleaner.”—Houston Post - ,V£ Chaffing? Cholly"What’s the matter with Cholly?” “Oh. some rude girl asked him if he was a suffragette.’’—-Kansas City Journal. Foot Notea. Emma—l think Nat Charles is awfully light on his feet, don’t you? Emniajean—Well, maybe he is an his own, hut he seemed awfully heavy on mine. Uni varsli y of Wisconsin Sphinx.

GOOD SHORT STORIES

In the mayor’s early days,on the bench a prisoner’s counsel said, In the course of his speech: “Medical witnesses will testify that my unfortunate client ,1s suffering from kleptomania, and, your honor, you know what that is?” «Ye S> ” said Judge Gaynor, “I do. It is a disease the people pay me to cure.” . A sturdy Scotchman had been having a dispute with his wife, which resulted in his taking refuge under the bed. As she stood on guard with a good-sized stick in her hand, he called lustily from his retreat: “Ye can lamb me and ye can bate me, but ye canna break my manly spirit. I’ll nae come oot.” A small Norwegian lad presented himself before a certain school teach.er, who asked him his name. “Pete Peterson,” he replied. “And how old are you, Peter?” aßked the teacher. “Ay not know how old Ay bane,” said the lad. “Well, when were you born?” continued the teacher. “Ay not born at all; Ay got stepmutter.” A Methodist bishop’s wife addressing a meeting of working women made home life seem all Very fine and ideal, but one housewife voiced the opinion of the rest, perhaps, when she said to her neighbors with a sniff: "She’s all right as far as she goes; but what I’d like to ask her is this—what does she do when her old bishop comes home on pay night with his envelope empty and a fightin’ jag on?” The Governor of a Western State was making inspection of certain State institutions when he made inquiry as to the progress of a chaplain by him appointed to an insane asylum. “How is he getting on?” asked the Governor, thinking to get an unprejudiced opinien from the official acting as his guide. “Fine!” exclaimed the man. “His preachin’ is very successful, Governor. The idiots enjoy it especially.” The attractive young lady who had written “Urgent” on her eard was shown into the consulting room of Sir Choppham Fyne, head of the famous surgical hospital in Flintshire. “And what is the matter with you?” said the great man. “I wish,” she answered, “to become a nurse in this Institution.” The surgeon tapped a thoughtful tooth with his lancet. “First, one question. Have you had any previous experience?” She dazzled him with a reassuring smile. “Experience!” she erted. “I should just think so. Two of my brothers play football, another has tried to cross the channel in an aeroplane of his own make, mother is a suffragette, and father keeps a motor car.” High and low he searched for the bag of confetti he had brought home on the previous evening for his son and heir, but his efforts were not rewarded with success. Where on earth had he put it? Wh* had become of it? With every minute he became more irate, till finally he rang for Bridget. “Bridget,” he exclaimed, testl*s? “did you see that bag of confetti I brought home last night for Freddie? ‘Surte, an’ Oi did, sorr!” brogued out Bridget. “But Oi didn’t know it was only for Mhaster Fred. There’s but half of it left now.” "Only half of It left?” he cried. “What on earth have you done with the rest?” "Cooked it, av coorse,” retorted Bridget; “an it’s for yer own breakfast, with cream, ye had it this marain’!”

TRIBUTE TO OHIO HERO.

Why Statuary Hall Should Contain Memorial to HacGahan. It is suggested by one of the New •York papers that Ohio should present to statuary hall a marble or bronze presentment gt Januarius Aloysius MacGahan. How many American hero worshipers there must be who have hardly heard of MacGahan! Yet he was heroic in a useful service, and died as the result of his obedience to the scriptural injunction to minister to the sick. MacGahan, like most Americans who amount to anything, was born in the brush and bred in poverty, the Louisville Courier-Journal says. His birthplace was near Lexington, 0., and in 1844 that section of the United States was not the hub of the world. He died in Constantinople in 1878. Half of his 34 years of Ufe"%ere rich with experience. His career was picturesque, but Its net results were not negligible. As a youth MacGahan tried this and that calling in the west and studied law at night. Afterward he went to Europe to study in Brussels. Upon the outbreak of the Franco-Prussian war ih 1870 he went to the front as a correspondent for the New York Herald, to whose columns he had contributed unsolicited matter. This was the beginning of his career as a war correspondent. Three years later he asked permission tq accompany a Russian expedition sent out to smash the Mohammedan brigands of Khiva, a vassal state of Russia traversed by the Oxus and skirting the sea of Aral, and inhabited by Tajiks, Uzbeks, Karakalpaks, Turcomans. The object of the Czar was to impress an outlaw Khan with the majesty of Russia. Forbidden to accompany the expedition, MacGahan organized one on his own account, orossed the waste places of Central Asia, arrived in advance of the Russians, after enduring incredible hardships, and was on the ground to repirt the fall-of Khiva fop his paper. Vis report was regarded oy officers

as a masterpiece of military journalism. Xn Cuba MacQahan reported tlfc Virgintus affair the same year when the war was almost caused between Spain and the United States because the Spanish man-of-war Tornada captured the American vessel and Skipper Joseph Fry and thirty-six men were shot as filibusters on their way to aid Cubs in her ten years’ war with Spain. Wlym he was reporting the Carlist uprising in Spain, clad in Carlist uniform, MacGahan was captured and sentenced to be shot, but was saved by the intervention of United States minister. In 1875, still in search of adventure, MacGahan went with the Pandora arctic expedition. The following year he joined the Turkish army as representative of the London News, and his description of the Bulgarian atrocities—which stood the test of hostile investigation and remain to-day a chapter in European his-tory-attracted the attention of the world. In behalf of Bulgaria he appealed to Russia, and in the RussoTurkish war that followed he was at the front. Hailed as a deliverer by the Bulgarians, whose independence resulted largely from his journalistic “muck-raking” of Turkey, the intrepid young man from Ohio became a hero in that country. While nursing a friend afflicted with fever he contracted a fatal illness and died in the Turkish capital. “Under the Northern Lights,” “Turkish Atrocities in Bulgaria” and “Campaigning on the Oxus and the Fall of Khiva” survive him, and the Ohio Legislature made an appropriation some twenty-five years ago to bring his body frpm Turkey and have it interred at Lexington. Januarius Aloysius MacGahan was a good deal of a soldier and very much a man, in addition to being an adventurous journalist. Ohio might gp further and do worse than to bestow upon him greater honors than a mere decent burial in the soil from which he sprung.

The Moving Picture Industry.

To appreciate what has happened, is happening, and is likely to hapepn, you must understand something of the picture industry itself, according to Glenmore Davis in an article entitled “The Moving Picture Revolution” in Success Magazine. There are at present between 11,000 and 12,000 motion picture houses in the United States — auditoriums big and little, where moving film photographs thrown on a screen are the main or only source of amusement. In New York alone there are approximately seven hundred. Chicago, Philadelphia and Boston each possesses upward of five hundred. In every little and big city, in every country, in every state in the union, the picture machine has settled and is literally coining money. The beauty of the business 4s its simplicity. An empty store, some chairs, a white curtain, a machine, half a dozen films and a ticket taker are all that the impresario really needs. As his bankroll and his ambition increase, he may find other means of spending money on his property, but even then he te limited. If he has anything like a good location and is not an idiot, he is bound to make more than he spends. To begin with, it is not necessary for him to buy anything save his machine, and he may rent even feat. The films, which are to this business what the works of Messrs. Barrie, Pinero and Bernstein are to Charles Frohman, are never sold. They are rented by the week from a jobber who makes his livelihood by supplying a circuit of houses. He, in turn, obtains his stock in trade from the manufacturer, of which there are thirteen in this country and considerably more abroad, all operating throughout the United States.

His Danger.

In these days of almost pre-eminent German music and musicians, it Is rather amusing to read the opinions of former generations concerning Teutonic singers. Frederick the Great was so impolitely unpatriotic as to declare that he would rather hear the neighing of a horse than the singing of a German prima donna. Perhaps in his day there waß some excuse for such a remark, but the times have changed. There, is a divrting anecdote of an Italian who was convinced that no German could sing. A friend induced him to go to the opera where Henrietta Sontag sang. After hearing her first aria, the Italian got up to go. The friend urged him to stay, assuring him that he would be convinced soon. “I know it,” replied the Italian, “and that’s why I go.” *•

Association of Ideas.

Going to sleep In church is likely to he no more awkward and rude a thing than waking up suddenly in church. An Item in a country paper aptly illustrates this. No doubt the lady, who behaved herself admirably under the circumstances, was quite as much embarrassed as her husband. ■— Major Young went to sleep Sunday In church just before the plate was passed. He snored for a while Ln a ladylike manner, but suddenly let out a few links that sounded like a trombone solo. At that point his wife jabbed him in the rib 3 with her elbow, which awakened him sufficiently to remark,, “Let me alone! Get up and build the fire yourself. It's your turn.”

His Description.

Charles, two and a half years old. has, naturally, a limited vocabulary, yet he usually manages to express himself and his emotions very clearly. The other night a skunk was wandering near the house, and Charles learned for the first time what the awful presence meant, for bolt uprigbt In bed he sat and gasped out, “O mammal Did you smell that awful aoiaa?”

RAM’S HORN BLASTS.

Warning Notes Calling: the Wlclce4 ■ to Repentance. No man prays

folly had no bitter fruitage. - It is impossible to appreciate tht baldest facts without imagination. It is a serious reflection on any faith when it has no results in character. Most homes ultimately have to choose between chairs and children. The religion that can be laid in a pigeonhole of the life belongs in its cemetery. No man is a good soldier of the cross who thinks more of his feed than of the fight. When we make mistakes we talk of destiny, when we succeed we mention only genius. The soul can no more live on abstractions than plants can live on a theory in botany. The man who carries his whisky in a wheelbarrow always blames it for leading him astray. The higher criticism has never done anything like the damage done by neighborly criticism. There’s a difference between being made by meeting dangers and running out to embrace them. The poorest way to .make people appreciate Heaven is to make earth barren of heavenly glory. If we are sincere in longing for virtuous people we will see that virtue has some soil to grow in. Many a man thinks the angels stagger in amazement every time he gives a pair of wornout shoes to a tramp.

A CURIOUS ESCORT.

Not long .ago there was burned, opposite the temporary tomb of the late Empress Dowager of China, a great boat which, together with the car on which it was placed, formed part of the funeral procession of that deceased woman. This imitation boat cost more than thirty-five thousand dollars, and the Chinese belief is that, as it burns, it ascends to heaven in its own smoke, and there becomes available for use. The ceremony is an imposing one, and is only performed at the death of an emperor or empress. But other funerals of the Yellow Ration are accompanied by picturesque and strange details which are also costly. Mrs. Archibald Little gives the fob lowing account of the funeral procession of Prince Yung-li in “Round About My Peking Garden.” The prince was the successor to Li-Hung Chang. “After the soldiers and wardens in picturesque costumes came falconers carrying beautiful" hooded birds, and a retainer leading the dead master’s hound. Then followed the prince’s titles on colored boards, borne by men in palace livery, long green gowns with disks of red or yellow. “Next were many dogs, does and stags made of green bushes, and ten dogs constructed of gold and silver paper, their heads wagging comically as they were carried. Then a long train of flags and umbrellas, and hundreds of plants in full bloom, the best made of paper, but planted in real pots. “All manner of insignia were woven out of greenery; lines of Mongol lamas were splendid in brocades; great white banners waved, and professional mourners smoked cigarettes. “Yung-li’s own cart, sedan chair and particular charger passed empty; mock horses made of paper were carted on wheels, adorned with real manes and tails. Then a whole lot of personal possessions, and then the catafalque itself, covered with red brocade.”

The Annual Bath.

The bath, it is said, is the measure of civilization. He who bathes once a day must be a better human being than he who bathes once a week, or once a month, or, like the Mexican Indians, once a year. A~writer in Outing is the authority for the statement that there is a belief among these people that to bathe is to court sickness and death. < There was a sick boy in a hut where a friend of mine stopped one day, and my friend suggested to the father that a bath might cure him. The father held up his hands in horror. “A bath! That would kill him!” he exclaimed. “I never bathed in my life, and my children never bathed, and never will.” Down in the low countries they do bathe once a year. At midnight on June 29th—St. Peter’s day—the gbod saint calms the ocean and makes the water harmless, and those within reach of the sea who have sufficient faith in the protecting powers of the saint gather there on that day and recklessly wash their bodies. At points removed from the coast June 24th is the annual bathing day. This is St. John the Baptist’s day, and that good saint has a concession to molify the rigors of the rivers for the benefit of the would-be clean ones. One .kind of curiosity Is a small boy with two grandmothers who isn’t spoiled. ■ ' .-M-'", ' . It’s easy for a man to get married ts he looks goad U a yoosg widow.

who prays with his lips alone. 1 A shallow mind soon works up a frothy agitation. It’s easy to let men slide while y o u’r e chasing money. The world would be full of fools if

LAST OF THE “WENDS.”

(Iveer Settlement of SUti Who Toole Refuse la the Forest*. By devious ways and by dint of much study of Bradshaw, one may arrive from Berlin in as little as two hours in the middle of the ninth century, A. D. # and in the country of'the last of the Wends, the Detroit NewsTribune says. For in the Spreewald, that queer country of dense forest. Intersected by many streams and passable only in boats, live the last remnant of the unwarlike Slavs, whom the Huns and Avars drove before them from their quiet pasture lands beyond the Vistula The Germans, Christian and nonChristian, but especially the Teutschritters, drove back the Slavs by little and little, until to-day eastward of the Polish frontier there are left only a few of the marsh settlements, in which centuries ago the Slav people took refuge. The largest and most picturesque of these is the Spreewald. “Wends,” the Germans called their Slav neighbors, and probably meant thereby either the “shepherd folk” or the “Nomads.” To-day they are of interest because of their extremely picturesque costumes and because, like the Burgundians of France, all of tho women are born nurses. The very sign of plutocratic supremacy in a Berlin family is the engagement of a “Spreewalderin” as a nurse. It is a sign, too, that the family inhabits no exiguous rooms, for the Spreewalderin requires much space for her petticoats. For the status of a Spreewald woman In her own village (different villages have different costumes) is known by the number of the wide, stiff petticoats which she possesses. At the bottom they stand »ut like crinolines, being starched as stiff as a board. All the costumes are made by specialists in the villages, but the petticoats cost less than the queer squaretopped caps. These caps, often of finest hand embroidery, have to be readjusted almost every time they afe put on, the groundwork being buckram stiffened and shaped on a special form. There are special “cap women” in the villages, who are experts in shaping the caps, and for whose services there is a great demand on Saturday nights. The*material for the petticoats and also the cap embroidery is neatly always made by the young Spreewald girls themselves. They always belong to village spinning circles, where the flax is spun and prepared, and it is by oral tradition in these circles that the Wends, retain their ancient usages. In general, the truest tradition and the most accurate costumes are to be found in little island villages (usually not more than two or three block houses) on the side streams. The central point for visitors, Burg, though it displays most splendor of costume, is more or less a fake, for the race and the tradition of the Wends of Burg have been adulterated by admixture with the soldiers whom Frederic William IV. settled in the district to help “Germanize” the people. Although the Wends were long a heathen folk, and although the customs connected with sun worship are still traceable, the Wendish women to-day are the most devout of churchgoers. Not even a cap may be adjusted or "smoking flax quenched” during morning service on Sunday, and the old women declare that if a man be caught at work in the field on Sunday Pschipolnitza will come with her sickle and strike him dead.

Just Exchanged Flats

“I heard an entirely new one to mo the other day,” said a man who hears all kinds of queer things In his business. “I was standing, near the telephone booths at the Grand Central when a woman began to talk to a friend, apparently uptown. She said that a friend of hers was coming to New York for a few days and didn't v.ant to go to a hotel. “ ‘I hear you are going to Chicago,’ she said. ‘Well, my friend has a nice flat on the Lake Drive, and just like yours, with a gobd servant. Why don’t you two swap? You take her flat while you are in Chicago and let her take yours.’ And the uptown woman seemed delighted with the arrangement.”—New York Sun.

The Clarity of Macaulay.

“Macaulay never wrote an Obscure sentence in his life,” said John Morley, and this is partly due to his exact use of words. There is never any doubt about his meaning. Macaulay began the use of Latin words at an early • age. When four and a half years old he was asked if he had got over the toothache, to which question came this reply: “The agony is abated.”— J. F. Rhodes in “Historical Essays.”

Test Easily Made.

Radio activity of minerals may be tested by their effect upon a photographic plate, which will show shadows of metallic objects placed between it and a specimen of uranium mineral.

A Lifesaver.

The Major—What’s this I hear, David, about your nearly saving a man from drowning? David—l did save ’im from drownin’, only the lifebuoy ’it ’im on the head and killed ’im.

Crowding Her.

“Mary, are you almost ready?” - “1 a-m just curling my hair.” <■: “Well, for goodness sake! Let tho girt curl your hair, and you go and get dressed."—Houston Post. '— J X And some men spend so much time hustling that they haven’t time to afr coinplish anything. ... * The man who earns the money isn’t V always the one who gots it.