Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 94, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 April 1910 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

“How do you keep your razor sharp?” “Easy enough. I hide It where my wife can’t find it”—Cleveland Plain'Dealer. “How Time’s , clothes hang about her! Why, they don’t fit at all.” “But think how much worse she would look if they did:”—Life. ' Guest'—Gracious! What long* legs the new waiter has! Host—Yes, I engaged him specially for the diners who are in a hurry.—Meggendorfer Blatter. Miss Kidder—S’sh! Carrie has dyed her hair black. Don’t tell anybody. Miss Askitt—ls it a secret? Miss Kidder —Yes; she wants to keep it'dark. —Boston Globe. “What part of the railway train do you regard as the most dangerous?” Inquired the nervoup man. “The dining car,” answered the dyspeptic.— Washington Star. “I’ll be ready in a minute,” she said to her husband. “You needn’t hurry, now,” he called up some time later. “I find that I shall have to shave again.”—Detroit Free Press. “I thought you said you told your wife everything you did.” “I do.” “It’s mighty strange. She hasn’t said a word to my wife about the $lO you borrowed from me.”—Washington Star, Patience —They say she got all her furn)ture on the installment plan? Patrice—She did. She has had four husbands, and she got a little furniture with each one.—Yonkers Statesman. She—Don’t you think woman’s suffrage would be a fine thing? He—l know I could always persuade my wife to vote as I wanted by telling her I intended voting the other way.—Boston Globe. “Why can’t that prima donna sing more than twice a week?” “I don’t know,” answered the Impresario, “unless it’s because she tired out her vocal cords arguing with me about salary.” —Washington Star. Maud—So he had the cheek to ask my age, did he? Well, what did you tell him? Ethel—l told him I didn’t know positively, but I thought you were twenty-four on your thirtieth bjrthday.—Boston Transcript. “Now, your conduct during the trial may have considerable effect on the jury.” “Ah, quite so,” responded this ultra-swell defendant. “And should I appear interested or just mifdly bored?”—Kansas City Journal. “You say you have quit snftking?” “Yes, never gding to smoke again.” “Then why don’t you throw away those cigars?” “Never, I threw away a box of good cigars the last time I quit smoking, and it taught me a lesson.”

“The way to run this country,” said the egotist, “is to put thoroughly wise, capable, alert, and honestwnen in control of affairs.” “Yes,” answered Miss Cayenne, “but what are we going to do? There’s only one of you."—Wash* ington Star. Cholly—The deuce, old chap; I cawnt go to the party. I have no collah button. Reggie—Go across the street and buy som§, deah fellow. Cholly—But I caawnt. Nobody has my measurements except my tailah, dontcherknow. —Life. Mr. Dubbs (with a newspaper) It tells here, my dear, how a progressive New York woman makes her social calls by telephone'. Mrs. Dul«bs —Progressive. Huh! She’s probably like me—not a decent thing to wear.— Boston Transcript. ' In a written examination on astronomy one of the questions was, “What happens when there is an eclipse of the moon?" A student with rather a good knack of getting out of a difficulty wrote: “A great many people come out to look at It.” “What’s that party kicking about?” aaid one New Yorker. “Oh, he’s one of those guys who are lucky and don’t know it,”jMplied the other. “He came' here on dround-tttp ticket from Philadelphia and lost the return coupon.” —Washington Everting Star. “I’m sure,” said the Interviewer, “the public would be interested to know the secret of your success.” “Well, young man,” replied the captain of industry, “the secret of my success has been my ability to keep it a secret.” —Sacred Heart Review. “I’d hate to be a millionaire.” “Gosh! Why?” “Well, millionaires are always getting letters threatening them with all sorts of horrible fates unless they immediately pay the writers large Sums of money.” “That’s nothing. I get just such letters on the first of every month.” —Cleveland Leader. asked the ludge. “do you think year husband is dead? You say you haven’t heard from him for more than a year. Do you consider that reasonable proof that he has passed out of existence T “Yes, your honor. If he was still alive he’d be askin’ me to send blip money.”—Chicago Record-Herald. Cincinnati Tourist (who, for the first time, has just entered a restaurant in Paris)—Have you ordered? St. Louis Tourist (who has reached the table some‘minutes before, and *who lodes up from a-French bill of fare) —Yea. Cincinnati Tourist—What did you order? St. Louis Tourist (impatiently)—How do X know?—Chicago Daily Nm • i , ■