Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 92, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 April 1910 — Smiles of The Day [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Smiles of The Day

Something; S-<*ll. Mr. Blgheart—Wiggins, old hoy, we have raised SSO to geft the boss a present, and we want something that will make a show for the money—something that will look big, you know. Can’t you suggest something? Wiggins—Sure. Buy S6O worth of rice and boll It.—Men and Women. Apply Later. Rector —Can I see the master of the house? Husband- —Just wait a few minuteß. Me and the old girl’s In the middle of settling that question.—London Opinion. •‘A Cool explanation. Father —What makes you so extravagant with my money, sir? Son —Well, dad, I thought you wouldn’t like to spend It yourself after working so hard for it.—Boston Transcript. Hon They Love Each Other.

He—l got an awful fright when I was married. She —Yes, you’re right, she’s no beauty.

A Horse on Sandy. Mrs. McTavlsh (to her husband, who Is off to the fair to purchase a horse) —How much are ye going tae give for him, Donal? Mr. Tavish—Och; about thirty shillin’. Why? Mrs. McTavlsh —Weel, here’s anither twa shillin’. You mlcht as weel get a §uid one! —London Opinion. Ready With an Answer. “Queer habit Miss Passay has when you’re talking to her.” “Why? Doesn’t she listen?" “Gh,~yes, very attentively, but she keeps nodding her head and Interjecting ‘yes,’ ‘yes,’ all the time.” . "I think she has fallen Into that habit waiting for some man to propose.”— Catholic Standard and Times. Football. “Tear into ’em! Tear ’em np! Eat ’em alive, boys! Chew up that line! Eat ’am up!” yells the coach. “Raw, raw, raw!” yell the boys in the bleachers. “Mercy!” remarked the lady missionary from Abyssinia. “Is this a cannibal country, too?"—University of Minnesota Minnehaha. Those Batch Windmills. Tourist —I suppose, my good man, that mill has ground out your living for a good many years? Gentleman of Marken—Bless you, no. The old shack hasn’t run for twenty years. I make a better living renting It as a model to American artists.—Judge. Didn’t Look Fit. Patience—And were you sick cross ing the ocean, deaj? Patrice—Oh, dreadfully sick! “And did you see the doctor?” "Oh, any, no, I was too sick to see anybody!"—honkers Statesman. Small Chance for & Qnarrcl,

The Excited One—ls I thought for a minute you meant that, I’d slap your face. The Calm One —Then yoifll never find hut whether I mean it. The Excited One—Why? The Calm One —Because you never think for a minute. Suffragette Society. “We must call on the countess next.” “But the countess is in jail.” “Well, one must not neglect .one's social duties. Let us drive around to the jail and leave cards.”—Louisville Courier-Journal. « Sometime*. Miss Blltheley (interested In science)^ —Can one get a shock from a telephone? The Professor—That depends, my dear young lady, on who Is talking at the other end. —M. A. P. *T‘ The Man Lower .Dows, : "The beef trust doesn't worry me any.” * “What then is your worry?” “The marketman who won’t trust.”— Boston Herald.

Conld Be Cfiangn*. “Yea,” she said, and her vote* wan! firm, “my hair Is naturally black and; I’m not ashamed of it, and I don't cars’ who knows it.” The young man nodded. “It is best to be honest,” he murmured. “Do you like black hair?” she asked him. ; “Pretty well,” he answered. “There are other tints,” she hastily said. “Some people like other tints. I’ve tried to give you my honest and unalterable views on the subject—.but, of course, they can be changed.”— Cleveland Plain Dealer. Interruptions. “What sort of a time did you have at the musical?’’ “It was rather disconnected,” replied Miss Cayenne. “Whenever I got Interested In the conversation the music would start, and whenever I got Interested in the music somebody would begin to talk.”—Washington Star. j. . . —-i, -, i , An Embryo Emancipator. A little miss riding on a Brooklyn trolley car the other day tendered the conductor half fare. “How old are you, little girl?” he queried, gingerly handling her fare. She pursed her lips for a moment, then calmly opened her purse, dropped two more pennies into the conductor’s extended palm, snapped her purse and demurely said: “You have your fare, sir; my statistics are my own!"— Brooklyn Life. The Polite Walter. “Waiter! I’ve wanted an hour for my order to be served!” “Thank you, sir. AlloV me to compliment you on your rare Cleveland Leader. Plain Prediction. “The girl I marry will have to be possessed of a lot of common sense.” “But the girl you marry won’t be.” —St. Louis Star. Something for Granted. He —I dreamed last night I proposed to a pretty girl. She—And what was my answer?— Comic Cuts. The Englldimtn’a Pipe. She—l Chink it’s awfully nice of you to have erected a nionument to your grandfather in the middle of your lake, Sir George. He —Yes, you see I had to have something to knock my pipe out on when skating.—Lustlge Blatter. An Embnrrualng Moment.

Manager—The crowd In front Is calling for the author. Star —That’s nice. Manager—Don’t think it. The house is packed with his creditors. Efficacious. Friend—What? You don’t mean to say you saved the lives of those freezing men by mental treatment? Explorer—Yes, Indeed. We persuaded them that they were watcVi/.g one of the early season’s ball games. • A Natural Question. “How long have you been married?” “This time, or altogether?”—Detroit Free Press. He Knew. Mr. Frost—Who was it that said, “Peace, perfect peace?” Frost—Some one whose telephone was out of order. —Modern Society. Accurate, Though Ungrammatical. “What’s a tight-wad?” “An old man with a lot of money that he doesn’t see why he should give to a lot of relatives who have never earned it.” Almost. Foreigner—But is the English language capable of expressing anything? Native—Certainly. Look at the names on our Pullman cars! Subtraction. “Now, in order to subtract,” the teacher explained, “things have always to be of the same denomination. For Instance, we couldn’t take three apples from four pears, nor six horses from nine hogs.” “Teacher,” shouted a small boy, “can’t you take four quarts of milk from three cows?” —Jewish Ledger. ’When the Good Man Dleth. Murphy—Poor O’Reilly is dead. And a good old soul he was. * Casey—Yls, and a thoughtful wan. too. Shure, before he died he called all his creditors to him and told thim where they could borrow enough to cover what he owed thim.—Brooklyn Life. Self-Victimised. “So you got that article you were bidding on at the auction?” “Yes,” answered Mrs. Snapper. “Isn’t It provoking? I was merely trying to run the pries up on th«< other woman.”—Washington Star. Not Aar Sometime*. “You should not always be knocking people.” ' ‘Tin not; I’m merely telling the truth about them.” “Well, what's the differenceT”—Houston Post. -s' -