Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 88, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 April 1910 — Smiles of the Day [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Smiles of the Day

Sudden Stop*. , Bill—You see, when something happens to the engine an aeroplane doesn’t stop as soon as an automobile does. Jill—No; but when the aeroplane does stop, everybody in it is apt to know it. —Yonkers Statesman. Our J«brv«la. “The paper states that eggs have gone up $2 a carat.” “A carat?” “Oh, pshaw! I read it wrong. It’s |2 a ctate.”—Louisville Courier-Jour-nal. I;.; Cautioua. He —My income is five thousand dollars. She—-How much more than that do you think it will be safe for us to spend?—Life. Go to the Head! “Now, children,” asked the teacher, “what is the use of a calendar?” "Please, mum,” answered Willie, “it tells where you’d orter git yer life insured.” —Cleveland Leader. A Sad Coming to Earth Again.

“Great snakes, old boy! Wotcher bln doin’. Playing football?” “Nd. I took the girl for a trip In my aeroplane, and when I proposed she threw me over.”—ldeas. The Answer. “The porter on the Pullman I came In on laughed at one of my funny stories. until he dislocated his jaw.” “Laughed at one of your funny stories?” “That’s what I said.” “These porters will do anything to get a tip."—Houston Post. time. Knicker —Time brings strange changes. Bocker —Yes; the boy whose mother can’t make him wash his neck grows up to be a rich man who goes abroad for baths. ===== Make the Tati Tell. - “Nellie,” said the teacher, “you may tell me how to make a Maltese cross.” “Step on its tall,” answered Nellie promptly.—Everybody’s. A. Motto Disproved. “What broke up your theatrical company?” “The playwright Introduced a line that was sure of a big round of applause. The leading man, the leading woman, the comedian, and in fact everybody, insisted on having the op portunity to speak it. The result was * general quarrel.” "And what was the line?” “ 'There’s glory enough to go ’round.”’—Washington Star. The Habit Grew. Mary went to church for her first time. During the senmon she said aloud to her mother: “I feel sleepy.” Frightened at the sound of her own voice she exclaimed, "Oh, dear, I spoke in church——” “Oh, I spoke again ” “Why, I keep speaking all the time!" —The Delineator. Preferred the Den.

Lion-Tamer’s Wise —Why- didn’t you eome home last night, you coward? Art’s Distraction. “Music," said the enthusiast, “leads the human mind away from every sordid care.” “Maybe it does,” replied the impressario, "but I never yet found the music that would take an opera singer’s mind off her salary.”—Washington Star. A Bad Boy's Balt. “Why is Jimmie Jinks so willing to let his mother cut his hair?” "It leads the other boys on to make fun of him, and when he whips them he can say they started it.”—Washington Star. Souls with Different Thought*. She (reminiscing)—Don't; you remember, dear, that lovely gorge up in the White mountains? He —At the Hawthorne? Say, that was about the swellest feed I ever tucked In.—Boston Transcript. «, Out off the Frying Pan. Beacon—So Penn-Heck wants to go to congress, does he? HM1 —Said he’d be willing to go most anywhere to get away from home a while.—Boston Herald. Busily Explained. ■' "Strange,” murmured the editor, “that this anecdote of George Washington has never been in print before." “Not at all,” exclaimed the occasional contributor, “I only thought of it last night.”—-Louisville Courier-Jour-nal

His Beat Manners. "You boy over in the corner.” Thus the brutal examiner to the most nervous looking pupil In the class. The boy over in the corner shot up like a bolt. "Answer this,” continued the examiner, “Do we eat the flesh of the whale?” "Y-y-yes, sir,” faltered the scholar. “And what,” pursued the examiner, "do we do with the bones?” "P-please, sir,” responded the nervous one, with chattering teeth, “we 1-leave ’em on the s-s-sldes of our p-plates.”—Answers. Where Else Would You Find Them! A Washington man while visiting a friend’s place in Virginia became much interested in his experiments in fruit culture. One day the visitor was making the rounds of the place, being in charge of the friend’s young daughter of 10, who acted as guide. “This tree seems to be loaded with apples,” observed the Washingtonian, indicating a particularly fine specimen. “Yes, sir,” assented the child, “father says this is a good year for apples.” "I am glad to hear that,” said the visitor. “Are all your trees as full of apples as this one?” “No, sir,” explained the girl, “only the apple trees.”—Delineator. ,: Paying for an Illusion. “Great heavens! She’s married—to another!” “Calm yourself, old chap. I thought you bad ceased to love her.” “Well, I have. But I am still paying the Installments on the ring I gave her a year ago.”—Toledo Blade. Not Afraid of Slipping. Michael Dugan, a Journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the Hightower mansion to repair a gas leak in the drawing room. When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan: “You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been polished.” i «“They’s no danger iv me slippin’ on thim,” replied Dugan. "I hov spikes in me shoes.”—Lippincotts. Exactness. “So your little girl objects to saying ‘Now I lay me down to sleep’?” “Yes. She is a truthful child, and we have been living in a room near an elevated railroad in New York, where nobody could sleep.”—Washington Star.

“Why are you so sad?” “My wife has been ordered to the country for three months.” “I understand.” “No, you don’t; she won’t go.”— Fllegende Blaetter. A Shrewd Fellow. “You say he is a financial genius?” “He is. He frequently talks his wife into letting- him spend some of tht| money he makes.” —Kansas City Jour-> nal. Mlaunderatood. “It was the widow’s sighs that captured him.” “Size nothing! She isn’t bigger than a pint of peanuts! It was the size of the life Insurance she collected.”— Houston Post. When the Trouble Began. “A couple,” said Mrs. Simpkins, “got married a few days ago after a courtship which had lasted fifty years.” “I suppose,” replied Mr. Simpkins, “the poor old man had become too feeble to hold out any longer.”—lllustrated Bits. Sad Work. “I see where a man who never smiled is dead." “What business was he in?” “He wrote ragtime music.” “Ah! That explains a great deal.”—• Birmingham Age-Herald. A Queer Dot, "It takes all kinds of people to make a world." —t"Including the people who applaud at a moving picture show.”—Birmingham Age-Herald. A Boaton Pnn. Scott—My corns actually seem to know when it’s going to rain. Mott—Wise achers, as it were.—Boston Transcript. Happy Deaplte It. “Ever since they have been married they trot around like two spring lambs.” "Yes. Both of them believe that matrimony is a gambol.”—St. Louis Star. v In Motor Parlance. “Noticed any signs of spring In your automobile Jaunts about the parks?” “Well, I see the 1910 models in jonquils are out.” —Louisville CourierJournal. The Struggle tor Attention. “Why did you call your novel ‘A Promissory Note’?” "Because that’s the oniy thing I could think of that somebody is* sure to read With interest"—Washington Star.