Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 80, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 April 1910 — Little Laughs [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Little Laughs

Eathmlaum Dolled. “Don’t you feel as if you would like to leave footprints In the sands of time?” asked the ambitious citizen. “No,” answered Mr. Crosslots, gloomily; “out where I live the mud\ is eighteen inches deep, and I don’t feel as if I wanted to see another footprint as long as I live.”—Washington Star. A# Advertiser. “Why do you constantly permit reports of your death to go out?” “Because,” answered the Moroccan bandit, “I want my name In print, and those are the only reports I can get past the press censor.”—Washington Star. Endorsing; Hla Wot*.

For. The village cornetist, who made his living as a barber, was massaging a patron's face. That’s a peculiar way of massaging a nose,” remarked the man in the chair. “Some New York method?” “That? Oh, no. I was Just practicing the fingering of the Second Hungarian Rhapsody.”—Puck. Still Higher Finance. “Surely,” began the private secretary, “it won’t pay to give to both parties.” “My dear fellow,” replied the astute president, “you are forgetting that in a year or two one of them will be offering me a rebate not to support the other.'”— Puck. Then He Said Good-Nl s l,(. Mr. Boreum Gude —When I was a kid I used to ring doorbells and then run away. Miss Kutting Hintz—And now you ring them and stay. Cruel. "If I were to tell you all I know,” he commented, sagely. “I should not be any wiser than I am now," she replied, tersely.—Detroit Free Press. Making the Best of It. Theatrical Manager—Hi, there! What are you doing with that pistol? Discouraged Lover —Going to kill myself.

M on reversible. Long—Didn’t you tell me that you made yourself solid with Mrs. Vane by asking her If she was herself or her daughter—couldn’t tell them apart, and so on? Strong—l did. What about it? Long—l tried the same game with the daughter, and It didn’t go at all! Badly Scared. § “The seismograph is acting very strangely, professor.” “Don’t mind it. All the trolley poles and power houses In the country are shaking over the story of the Edison storage battery.” Cleveland Plain Dealer.* Poor Sister. Young Man—Do you think your sister would be sorry to marry and leave you ? The Terror—Oh, yes. She said she would have been married long ago If It hadn’t been for me.—Judge. Minister, Then Jodge. She (coyly)—lt takes two to make a bargain, you know. He —Yes, but it only takes one to break It all to smash again.—Boston Herald. Losing Ills Nerve. Bus Driver—Ain’t yer satisfied with runnin’ over people? Yer wants to run over the ’osses now! Taxi Driver (Indignantly)—l haven’t run over anybody for a long time. Bus Driver—What! Are you gittin’ nervous? —London Opinion. Realized the Danger. He—Now that we are married, pet, do you love me enough to cook for me? She—Enough, darling? "“I love you entirely too much for that,—Boston Transcript. Proof. Wright—What makes you think the mail facilities have greatly Improved? Penman —Because I get m’y manuscripts back from the editors quicker than I used to.—Yonkers Statesman Unexpected Success.

Young Architect—This is a deuce of a profession. Here I drew up plans for a conservatory of music, and they used it for a cheese factory. Old Architect— Don’t let that fret you, my boy—you simply builded stronger than you knew.

One of the Htnhome Ones. First Fair Invalid—Which kind of doctor do you prefer—the allopathic or the homeopathic? Second Fair Invalid —I prefer the sympathetic.

Aerial Nourishment. “Orchids live on air,” said the botanist. “I don’t know about that," replied young Mr. Flimm. “But If I keep on buying them. I’ll have to.”—Washington Star. Expecting Too Much. “Has your wife got a cook?” “How do I know?” “It seems to me that you should know if anyone should.” “But I haven’t been home since noon.”—Houston Post. Bird of the Past. Museum Attendant (perfunctorily)— This Is the pterodactylus crossirostris. It Is now extinct. Grouchy Bachelor—Same old story, I suppose. Got to using them on women’s hats, didn’t they?—Puck. Acquiring a Graceful Carriage.

“Tote it on yer head, Mary. Dey say it gives a woman a awful graceful carriage.” Labor Saving 1 . Servant (breaking vase) —Ah! That’s lucky f It’s broken only in three pieces. , Mistress—Well, you must be mad to call that luck. Servant —You don’t have to pick up the pieces, ma’am. —Bon Vivant. 'i A Slam. "Her husband is either afraid of her or very much in love with her.” “Why so?” "When they go out together he never thinks of standing out on the rear platform of the car to finish his cigar.”—Detroit Free Press. Eminent Collectors. “Noah had a shipload of specimens of all kinds of creatures,” said one small boy. “Yes,” replied the other. “He was the Theodore Roosevelt of his day.”— Washington Star. Wine Child. Papa—Bobbie, what do you want for your birthday present? Bobbie —Get me a bank mamma can’t take nickels out of with a hatpin. Usually. Teacher—Where do the sponges come from? Bright pupil—From the noble families of Europe.—Philadelphia Press.