Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 64, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 March 1910 — Little Laughs [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Little Laughs

Keeping; a Secret. “A woman just can’t keep a secret,” he declared, opposing a statement. “Oh. I don’t know,” contradicted the fluttery lady. “I kept my age a secret eveT since I was 24.” “Yes,” he replied, “but one of these days you will give It away. In time you will just simply have to tell it.” “Well,” she replied with confidence "I think that when a woman has kept a secret for twenty-one years she comes pretty near knowing how to keep It.”—Philadelphia Ledger. Too Expenilve. A woman in Missouri went Into a country newspaper office and said she wanted to put an advertisement in the paper for her lost husband. She was told that the advertising rate was ?2 an inch, apd said that she could never afford it, as her husband was over six feet tall.—New Haven Leader. w. Accommodating. Officer Heck —Why didn’t ye stop? The Autoist—Too busy, old fellow. Didn’t have time, don’t you know. Officer Heck—Waal, I’m about to take ye before Justice Pickles, and I reckon he’ll accommodate you with about fifteen days of it.

Her Mistress (who has received a broad hint that an extra “evening hoff” will be welcomed) —Cook tells me, Mary, that you want to go out with a young man this evening. Is it urgent? Herself—No, mum, it ain’t. He’s me own gent,—The Tatler. Fixed Ratio. Actor (on the road) —I suppose you have no Idea what the size of our house will be to-night? It varies, doesn’t It? . Native —Well, you kin generally tell purty accurately by dividing the number of people In the company by two. —Puck. Unfavorable. Wife—l’m going Into town to-day, my dear, to my bootmaker’s, milliner’s and dressmaker's. What does the paper say about the weather? Husband—Rain, hail and thunderstorms. Love Son* In a Minor Key. “Can you support my daughter In the style to which she has been accustomed? —“I could,_but J’d. You see, I really love her.”—Cleveland Leader.

To Stay with the Old Man. "Come Indoors Immediately,” called a nurse to a small boy whose father was going out. "You won’t go to heaven if you’re haughty.” "I don’t want to go to heaven,” was the aggrieved reply; “I want to, go with father.”—Philadelphia Inquirer. ' LNot to Be Outdone.

Mrs. Newpopp—Why don’t you go to sleep, Henry? Mr. Newpopp—Do you think I’m going to be outdone by this kid? If he can keep awake, so can I. Not Satisfactory. The judge stared hard at the accused man. "You are charged,” he said, “with robbing a limburger cheese factory. Have you anything to say?” “Judge,” the prisoner hoarsely replied. "I was driven to It by hunger.” The judge shook his head portentously. “Six months at hard labor for the larceny and six months for the excuse,” be growled. "Call the next case.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. A Scotchman’* . Met ( al) tie. Two Irishmen, bent on robbery, held up a passing Scotchman. After a long, fierce fight. In which the Scotchman almost had the better of It, they succeeded in conquering him. A thorough search ,of his clothes disclosed one lone 5 cent piece. “Troth, Pat,” said Mike disgustedly, “if he’d had tin cints Instead of a nickel he’d have murdered the two of us.”—New Haven Leader. Mnrrlnac in Houston. “What is their main reason for wanting a divorce?" “Because they are married." Forever in Doubt.

Reporter—Did the fright from the fire turn your wife’s hair gray? Refugee—l can't tell. It was burned up. Limited. “Do you live within your means?” “Yes, and I’m crowded for space.”— Yale Record.

The Point of View. William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted he became. “Son,” he finally blurted out, “you look like a d fool!" Later, the old major, who lived next door came in and greeted the boy heartily. “William," he said, with undisguised admiration. “You look exactly like your father did twenty years ago, when he came back from school." “Yes,” replied William, with a smile, “so father was Just telling me." —‘Everybody’s. Aa Usual. Grumpus—Did she call you up? Bojum—Yes. Grumpus—What for? Bojum—To call me down. Used Up. Mrs. Jawkins—This paper says there are 100,000 words In the English language. Mr. Jawkins—Huh! You used up more’n that on me when I got home late last night.

A Fine Start. First Ragamuffin—Heard about Bill’s luck? Second Ragamuffin-r No. What wus it? First Ragamuffin—He picked up half a dollar in the street yesterday, an* to-morrer he’s gain’ to get married. EmergeadM. “Is he what you would call a first class newspaper man’’’ “I should say so. When the ’end-of-the-world’ scare was at its height he had two editorials written —one to publish it if it did come off, the other if it didn’t.’’—Puck. A Po?t’a Ute by Space. When he is born, local; when he publishes his first volume, six lines review; when he is married, paragraph; when he puts out his second book, twelve lines review; when he is divorced, red head-lines; when he dies, editorial. How About Iff “Reflection breeds wisdom.” “That doesn’t apply to a woman.” “Why not?" “She can stand before a mirror hours at a time and be none the wiser.”— Birmingham Age-Herald. -