Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 52, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 March 1910 — JOLLY JOKER [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

JOLLY JOKER

The Vicar—Now, children, what is false doctrine? Inspired Maiden — Please, sir, bad medicine. Young Woman (adoringly)—lt must be awfully nice to be wise and know —oh—everything! College Student— It is.

“What did you say last night when Jack asked you to marry hkn?” “1 .shook my head.” “Sideways or up and 'down?” ’ • She —How did you know I was going to wear my hair curled this evening? He —I saw it in the papers this First Fair Invalid —Which kind of doctor do you prefer—the allopathic or the homeopathic? Second Fair Invalid —I prefer the sympathetic. Bobbie (to .Featherstone)—bid you know that you were a relative of Ours? Featherstone—Since when? “Mother says you are our weak brother.” Boy—A man came in and said he wanted to squeeze some money out of you. Boss —What did. you tell him? Boy—l said I was sorry you weren’t in.

“Kitty,” said her mother rebukingly, “you must sit still when you are at the table.” "I can’t mamma,” protested the little girl, “I’m a fidgetarian.”

"On what ground, madam, do you desire a divorce from your husband?” "Intolerable cruelty; he put the date of my birth in the family Bible.”— Chicago News. , “What a bad toothache you’ve got.” “No; but I’m calling on the dentist for the money he owes me, and this is the only way I can get into his house.” — Fliegende Blatter. “Women vote! Never, -sir, with my consent.” “Why not?” “Whaf! And have my wife losing thirty-dollar hats to other women on the election!” — Boston Transcript. Mrs. Newbride threw a biscuit at me. One that I made .myself, too. Mother —The monster! He might have killed you,— United* Presbyterian.

“How much does it cost to get married?” asked the eager youth. “That depends entirely on how long- you live,” replied the sad-looklng man.— Philadelphia Record.

“Isn’t your hat rasher curious in shape?” asked the uniformed man. “Certainly,” answered his wife. It has to be. Any hat that wasn’t curious i$ shape would look queer.” The Girl (rather weary, at 11:30 p. m.) —I don’t know a thing about baseball. The Beau—Let me explain it to you. The Girl —Very well, give me an illustration of a home run.

Lottie —Is your young minister so very, very fascinating? Hattie—Fascinating! Why, lots of girls in our church haye married men they hated, just to get one kiss from the rector after the ceremony.—Puck.

Chumplelgh—Well, my dear, I had my life insured for $5,000 to-day. Mrs. Chumpleigh—l’m glad you did, John. Now y,ou won't have to be so careful about dodging street cars and automobiles. —Chicago Daily News. “The American eagle,” said the orator, “knows no fear.” “Yes,” replied Mr. Sirius Barker, “the American eagle is mighty lucky. Any bird that isn’t good enough to eat has a right to congratulate itself these days.”—Washington Star.

Physician—Have you any aches or pains this morning? Patient—Yes, doctor; it hurts me to breathe; In fact, the only trouble now seems to be with my breath. Physician—All right. I’ll give you something that will soon stop that.—Boston Globe.

Aunt Spinsterly—l hope that your opinions uphold the dignity of our sex, Mamie, and that you believe that every woman should have a vote? Mamie—--1 don’t go quite so far as that, auntie; but I believe that every woman should have a voter! —Human Life. Modern Girl—Father, I long to be independent—to rely upon my own exertions for support. What trade or profession would you recommend? Wise Father —First class cooks .made $5,000 a year. Modern girl —I don’t like cooking. It’s too feminine! —New York Weekly.

Dr. McCree —My dear Mrs. Goodman, how could you bring out a young child on such a day as this, with such a strong east wind blowing? Mrs. Goodman —Ah, doctor, you will always have your little joke. How can a child of this age possible know what wind it is?—Tit-Bits. ,

“I hope you don’t mind me asking,” raid the young woman, diffidently, "but should I call you professor nr doctor?” ‘‘Oh, call me anything you like,” was the great man’s rejoiner, “some people call me an old Idiot.” “Really,” the lady murmured, with sweet innocence, “but then ‘they would be people who knew you intimately.” Lady—You say, professor, that tobacco is an aid to thought and a stimulant to the reasoning faculties; but Professor Greathead says tobacco is In every way injurious. How do you account tor that difference? The Professor —Easily enough, madam. Professor Greathead does not smoke, and consequently he can neither think straight nor reason correctly.”