Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 41, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 February 1910 — SHEAR NO NSENSE [ARTICLE]

SHEAR NO NSENSE

“She talks twice as much as the other girls I know.” “Yes, she has a double chin.” —Cleveland Leadier. “My husband was a yety high-strung person.” “Yes. I’ve heard he was hung on Pike’s Peak.”—Harper s Weekly. Sister —Well, Harry, how are you getting along with arithmetic? Harry —Oh, pretty well. We’re in dismal fractions now. “Mrs Jones has a new hat.” “Well, you look mightily pleased about it?” “You -Just ought to see how it looks on her.”—Houston Post. “What do you think? Mrs. Zizzel, whomever goes to church, has won the first 1 prize in the church lottery!"— Meggendorfer Blaetter. “They say Harold Coddington has brain fever.” “Impossible. Could an angleworm have water on the knee?”— Chicago Record Herald. Novice —They tell me that a man can’t go into politics and remain honest. Old Stager—Yes, he can. But It isn’t necessary.—Chicago Tribune. “Why. don’t you give your wife an allowance?” “I tried that once, and she spent it before I could borrow it . back.”—Louisville Courier-Journal. “What do you figure is the result of a college education?” “The young man learns to yell for the money, and the old man to whistle for it!”—Puck. Blobbs —Harduppe says he owes everything to his wife. Slobbs—Harduppe is a double distilled prevaricator. He owes $lO to me.—Philadelphia Record. Inquirer—Did Miss Howell’s voice fill the hall? Critic—Well, it filled the lobby. Nearly everybody went out there when she sang.—Huntington Herald. “Have you heard that poor Firmin is dead?” “No. He wasn’t ill long, surely.” “Ah, you see, medicine has made great progress lately.”—Bon VU vant. Ted —Isn’t Tom thinking rather sertously of getting married?' Ned—He couldn’t have thought very seriously about it, for he has gone and done' it.— Brooklyn Life.- '• “I wonder who the people are in that machine who look so haughty?” “Probably the poor relations of the owner, who is taking them for a spin.” —Buffalo Express. Wifey—You promised that if I would marry you my every wish would be gratified. Husband—Well, isn’t it? Wifey—No; I wish I hadn’t married you.—lllustrated Bits. “Sir, your son has just coined a college fraternity. These college fraternities ” “Never mind about breaking it gently. What hospital is he at?”— Louisville Courier-Jonrnal “My good man,” said the kind old lady, stopping before the prison ceil, “what are you in for?” “Robbin’ da guests in a hotel, mum.” “Ah, were you the proprietor or the head waiter?” Wifey—You were late last night. Hub—Beg your pardon, my dear. As I came in the front door the clock struck 11. Wise —But what time 'did you arrive at the head of the stairs?—Boston Transcript. “And why,” the teacher continued, “should we hold the aged in respect?” “ ’Cause it’s mostly th p old men that has all the money,” Tommy answered. And the teacher wasn’t able to offer any better reason. Bessie —I gave Charlie on Christmas a beautiful necktie of my own make. Tessle —Was he pleased? Bessie—lmmensely. He said Its beauty shall be for no other eyes but his own. Wasn’t that lovely of him? Jones—Green bought a second-hand automobile three weeks ago, and he has been arrested six times In it. Smith —For exceeding the speed limit? Jones —No; for obstructing the street. —Chicago Dally News. De Artist—You say you walk a great deal? De Actor —Yes. De Artist— When you are playing golf? De Actor —Sometimes when I am playing golf and sometimes when I am playing Hamlet. —Chicago Journal. “Old Moneybags is afraid that prince he bought for his daughter Is a bogus one.” “Why so?” “When it came to settling up he asked for the prince’s debts, and the fellow told him he hadn’t any.”—Baltimore American. “Your glasses,” she said, "have .made a great difference in your appearance.” “Do you think so?” he.asked. “Yes. You look so intelligent with them on.” “I can’t understand why Brown should have failed.” “Nor can I. I always thought he was doing finely. He often came to me for advice.” “Johnnie, if I gave you two cents and your father gave you three cents, how much would you have?” “Seven,” promptly replied Johnnie. “You can’t have understood me, Johnnie. Now listen, and I will repeat the question. If I give you two cents and your fatner gave you three, how much would you have?” “Seven,” said Johnnie again, and with some promptness. “l‘/n surprised At you, Johnnie,” said the teacher. “How on earth would you have seven T’ “I got two in my pockatt” said Johnnie. _ - .