Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 39, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 February 1910 — Jests from the Jokesmiths [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Jests from the Jokesmiths

An Opportunity. Judge—Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth? Fair Witness —It will be just perfectly lovely if you really have the time to listen.—Harper’s Bazar, Comparinona Unfortunate. Teacher (to dull boy in mathematics) —You should be ashamed' of yourself. Why, at your age George Washington was a surveyor. Pupil—Yes, sir; and at your age he was President of the United States. — Boston Transcript. Alike. Auto Salesman—Business is booming. In fact, we are so rushed that we have filled our orders only up to last April. Auto Owner—l can appreciate that. At the present time I have had repairs made on my car only to the smashups of May, 1908. —Puck. Pronouncing; Sentence.

Judge (after hearing case) —How old did you say you was, Mr. Jones? “I’s jes’ past twenty-six, sir.” “Well, you’ll be just past twenty-seven when you get out of this.” A Consultation. Gladys—Well, what did Miss Dr. Cleverton say was the eause of your extreme paleness? ~ Grace—Well, she has described to me a hat and waist that will go beautifully with it. —Harper’s Bazar. A Shrewd Old Dad. “And you will give us your blessing?” asked the eloping bride, returning to the parental roof. “Freely,” replied the old man; “no trouble about the blessing, but board and lodging will be at regular rates.” — V&moti'sV ■ —“ In a Shower. “May I offer you my umbrella and my escort home?” “Many thanks; I will take the umbrella.”— Fliegende Blaetter. Where la He? “The spirit of your husband wishes to speak with you, madam.” “What does he say?” “He says that he doesn’t have to dress in a cold room!”—Bohemian. Use. “Runaway match, wasn’t it?” “Yep. But the poor fellow couldn’t rup fast enough. She caught him.” — Cleveland, Leader. In the Near Fntare. Ruth—l’m awfully frightened way up here in this airship. Paul—Worry not, Ruth. Your fears are groundless.—lllustrated Bits. Wise Precaution. He—But I tell you what it Is, Maud, if your father is at all unreasonable I shall put my back to the wall and—er —er She—And keep is there. That would be the safest position.—Answers. '■ #. ; Faroe Xeded. Youngwed—l always crack up my wife’s biscuits. , Mr. Bachelor —Heavens! Are they as hard as that? —Boston Transcript. Scriptural Precedent. Jonah stepped ashore. “I left my records in the whale,” he observed. “Anybody who wants to see them can go after them.” • It was noticed that none questioned his exploit.—New York Sun.

For the Kitty. Mrs. A. (away from home) —John, did you leave out anything for the cat before you started? : • __ Mr. A. (who dislikes the beast) — Yes, I left a can of condensed milk On the table, with the can opener beside it.—Human Life. » Natural Death. John—What doctor attended your aunt in her last illness? James—None. She died a natural death. —Harvard Lampoon. Offset. j *T must warn you, deavest,” ho said, “that after, we are married you will very likely find me inclined to be arbitrary and dictatorial in my man“No matter,” she replied, cheerfuli“l woa’Upaytho slightest attention to what you say.”—Preabyteria* standard.

The Third End. A lad turned up at the docks one day and asked a skipper for a job. “I’ll test ye with something difficult,” said the captain, and, x picking up a piece of rope, he exclaimed; “Find me three ends to that.” The lad found the usual two and lljen rolled the rope up and threw it overboard, with the remark; ■ “And .there’s an end to yer rope. That’s the third.” And the skipper gave him a job.— London Daily News. A Diagnosis. "How’s yer ’usband after the accident, Mrs. Ginnerty?” v "Faith sumtoimes he’s betther an’ sumtoimes he’s wurse, but from the way he yils an’ takes on when he’s betther, Oi thing he’s betther whin he’s wurse.”—Exchange. A General Uselessness. “Speaking of Dr. Cook,” said the man who is always endeavoring to make conversation “I didn’t speak of Dr. Cook,” rejoined the surly citizen. “I haven’t any use for Cook.” “Well, then, Peary ” “I haven’t any use for Peary, either.” “But the north pole ” "I have studied the needs of myself and the public. I haven’t any use for the north pole.”—Washington Star. rr-.- Doing Hi*! Best to Prepare. “I want the most daring and reckless chauffeur you have.” “Yes, sir.” “One who’ll run over anybody and speed away with a laugh.” “Yes, sir. Are you going to enter a race?” “Not much. I want him to come out home with me and tell the cook she has to leave.”—St. Louis Star. They Win. “Do you look for a favorable outcome to your lawsuit? 11 — "No, but the lawyers do.” —Houston Post. Why She Kicked. “My husband and I had an awful quarrel yesterday.” “How sad! What was it about?”! - “I found a letter in his ppcket written by a woman,” ■ “Mercy! I don’t wonder you were angry!” “I should say so. Why, I had given it to him to mail ten days before!”— Clevelahd Leader. No, Indeed. “I call that new maid of your wife’s mighty pretty, don’t you?” “Not while my wife is around.”— Houston Post. He Will Learn.

“Why, Willy, I t’ought you said dat was your dorg?” “Aw, he is—but de old fool don’t know it yet.” Candid. An alien wanted to be naturalized and was required to fill out a blank. The first three lines of the blank had the following questions: “Name?” “Born?” and “Business?" He answered: “Name—Michael Levinsky.” “BornYes.” “Business —Rotten.”—Saturday Evening Post. * Properly Assigned. Director—Our work is so divided that each of our men has the work he is best fitted for. Jenks is treasurer, Smith secretary, and Brown is “But Brown is as deaf as a post!” “And Brown has all the complaints referred to him.”—Tit-Bits. A • Hard One. Wise —You promised that if I .would marry you my every wish would be gratified. Husband—Well, isn’t it? Wife—No; I wish I hadn’t married you. Talcing;‘Up Hla oiler. Man —Well, it’s just this way. If I buy you a new coat I’ll have to wear my old om another season. Wife—You sweet, generous’jthing, you! ' .•> The Teat. She —Why do you look so worried? Yen need not doubt sae. My love is a* strong as a rock? —— I H6—Yes, but how about this chair? —Pages Follea. '