Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 29, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 February 1910 — Old Favorites [ARTICLE]

Old Favorites

The Llshtnlns-Rod Dispenser. Which this railroad smash reminds me, in an underhanded way, Of a lightning-rod dispenser that came down on me one day; Oiled to order in his motions, sanctl- • monious in his mien— Hands as white as any baby’s, an’ a face unnat-ral clean; Not a wrinkle had his raiment, teeth and linen glittered white, And his new constructed necktie was - an Interesting sight! Which I almost wish a razor had made red that white-skinned throat. And that necktie had composed a hangman’s knot, . Ere he brought his sleek-trimmed carcass for my women folks to see. And his buzz-saw tongue a-runnin’ for to gouge a gash in me! Still I couldn’t help but like him —as I fear I al’ays must, The gold of my own opinions in a fel-low-heap o’ dust; .* For I saw that my opinions,'“Lwhen I fired them' round- by round. Brought back an answering volley of a mighty similar sound. I touched him on religion and the Joys my heart had known, And I found that he had very similar notions' of his. own! r ' I told him of the doubtings that made sad my boyhood years; Why, he’d laid 'wake till morning with same breed of fears! I pointed up the pathway that I hoped to heaven to go; He was on that very ladder, only Just a round below! ~Our~pOlltles were differentrand-at-ftrst he galled and winced;. But I arg'ed him go able, he was very soon convinced. And ’twas gettin’ toward the middle of a hungry summer day— There was dinner on the table, and I asked him, would he stay? And he set him down among us —everlastin’ trim and neat — And he asked a short crisp blessln' almost good enough to eat! Then he fired up on the mercies of our Everlastin’ Friend, Till he’d g’in the Lord Almighty a good, first-class recommend; And for full an hour we listened to that sugar-coated scamp— Talkin’ tike a bfessed angel—a blasted tramp! My wife —she liked the stranger, smiling on him, warm and Bweet; (It al'ays flatters women when their guests are on the eat!) And he hinted that some -ladies never lose their youthful charms. And caressed 7 her yearlin’ received It )n his arms. My sons and daughters liked him —for he had progressive views, And he chewgd the cud o’ fancy, and g’in down the latest news; And I couldn’t help but like him —as, I fear, I al’ays must, The gold of my own doctrines in a fel-low-heap o' dust.

lie was chiselin’ desolation through a piece of apple pie, * When he paused an’ gazed upon us with a tear in his off-eye. And said: “Oh, happy family! Tour Joys they make me sad! They all the time remind me of the dear ones once I had!^ A babe as sweet as this one, a wife almost as fair; A little girl with ringlets—like that one over there. But had I not neglected the means within my way. Then they might still be living and loving me to-day. “One night there came a tempest; the thunder peals were dire; The clouds that marched above us were shooting bolts of fire; In my own house, l 7 lying, was thinking, to my blame, How li*tle I had guarded against those bolts of flame. When crash! —through roof and ceiling the deadly lightning cleft And killed my wife and children, and only I was left!. “Since then afar I’ve wandered and naught for life have cared, Save to save others’ loved ones -whose lives have yet been spared; Since then, it is my mission, where’er by sorrow tossed, To sell to worthy pebpfc good light-ning-rods at cost. With sure anifTstrong protection I’ll clothe your buildings o’er; "Twill cost you twenty dollars (perhaps a trifle more; 1 Whatever else it comes »tq, at lowest cost Til put; You simply sign a contract to pay so much per foot).” I signed it! while my family, all approvin’, stood about; The villain dropped a tear on it—but didn't blot It out! That selfsame day, with wagons, came some rascals great and small; They Hopped upon my buildings as If they owned them all! They hewed ’em and they hacked ’em—ag'in my loud desires— They trimmed ’em off with gewgaws, end they bound ’em down with wires;. They hewed 'em and they hacked ’em and they hacked and hewed 'em still. And every precious minute kep* running up my bill. To find my soft-spoke neighbor, did I rave and rush and run; He wns suppin' with a neighbor. Just a *- few miles further,, on. ~D© Y«P think," I loudly shouted, "that I need a mile of wire L for to save each separate haycock out V -on heaven’s consumin’ fire? Did you think, to keep my bulldln’s out o' some uncertain barm, --—~T. I was going to deed you over the balance of my farm?” Bs silenced me with silence ini m. ' little while.

And theg tr<sed put pte contract with * reassuring smile;' And for half an hour explained *t, wtth * exasperatin’ skill, W hile his myrmidons kep’ probably arunning up my bill. He held me to that contract with <a firmness queer to see; Twas the very first occasion he had to disagree with me! -And for that ’ere thunder story, ere the rascal finally went, J paid two hundred dollars, if I paid a single cent And if any Ughtnlng-rodlst wants a dinner-dialogue With the restaurant department of an enterprisin' dog, Let him set his mouth a-running, Just «, inside my outside gate, And I’ll bet two hundred dollars he w „, “ n * have long to wait. —Will Carleton.