Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 February 1910 — Old Favorites [ARTICLE]

Old Favorites

Tkt Lightning-Rod Dluprnaer. Which this railroad smash reminds me, in an underhanded way. Of a lightning-rod dispenser that came down on me one day; Oiled to order in his motions, sanctimonious in his mifezh— Hands as white as any baby’s, an’ a face unnaf-ral clean; .1 Not a wrinkle had his raiment, tebth and linen glittered white. And his new constructed -necktie was an Interesting sight! Which I almost wish a razor had made red that white-skinned throat. And that new constructed necktie had composed a hangman’s knot, Ere he brought his sleek-trimmed carcass for my women folks to see, And his buzz-Baw tongue a-runnin’ for ■ to gouge a gash in me! ~ ~ Still I couldn’t help but like him—as I fear I al’ays must, , The gold of my own opinions in a fel-low-heap o' dust; For I saw that my opinions, when I fired them round by round. Brought back an answering volley of a mighty similar sound. i I touched him on religion and the Joys my heart had known,And I found that he had very similar —notions of his ©wni *— I told him of the doubtings that -fnade sad my boyhood years; Why, he'd laid ’wake till morning with that same old breed of fears'. I pointed up the pathway that I hoped to heaven to go; , _ He was on that very ladder, only Just a round below! Our politics were different, and at first he galled and winced; But I arg’ed him so able, he was very soon convinced. And ’twas gettin’ toward the middle ot a hungry summer day—There was dinner cm the table, and I asked him, would jjtie stay? And he set him down among us—everlastin’ trim end neat — And he asked a short crisp blessin’ al-most-good enough to eat! Then he fired up on the mercies of our Everlastin’ Friend, Till he’d g’in the Lord Almighty a good, first-class recommend; And for full an hour we listened to that sugar-coated scamp— Talkin’ like a blessed angel—eatin' like a blasted tramp! My wife —she liked the stranger, smiling on him, warm and sweet; (It al'ays flatters women when their guests are on the eat!) And he hinted that some ladies never lose their youthful charms, And caressed her yearling baby qnd received it in his arms. My sons and daughters liked him—for he had progressive views, And he chewed the cud o’ fancy, and g’ln down the latest news; And I couldn’t help but like him —as, I fear, I al’ays must. The gold of my own doctrines in a fel-low-heap o’ dust.

lie was chiselin’ desolation through a piece of apple pie. When he paused an’ gazed upon -us ■with a tear in his off-eye, And said: “Oh, happy family’ Your Joys they make me sad! They all the time remind me of the dear,ones once I had! A babe as sweet as this one, a almost as fair; A little girl with ringlets—like that one over there. But had I not neglected the m -arts within my way, Then they might still be living and loving me to-day. "One night tjiere came a tempest; thunder peals were dire; The clouds that marched above us were shooting bolts of fire; In my own house, I, lying, was thinking, to my blame, How little I had guarded against those bolts of flame, When crash!—-through roof and certing the deadly lightning cleft And killed ray wife and children, and only I was left! “Since then afar I’ve wandered and naught for life have cared. Save to save others’ loved ones whose lives have yet been spared; Since then, it is my mission, where’er by- Eorrow tossed. To sell to worthy people good light-ning-rods at cost. With sure and strong protection I'll clothe your buildings o’er; •Twill cost you twenty dollars (perhafns a' trifle more; Whatever else it comes to, at lowest' cost I’ll put; To a simply sign a contract to pay so much per foot).” I signed it? while my family, all approvin’, stood about; The villain dropped a tear on it —but didn’t blot H out! That selfsame day, with wagons, came some rascals great and small; They hopped upon my buildings as If they owned them all! They hewed ’em and they hacked ’em—ag’hi' my loud_ desires — They trimmed ’em 'off with gewgaws, and they hound ’em down-with wires; They hewed ’em and they hacked ’em and they hacked and hewed ’em still. And every precious minute kep’ run- ——~ ning up my bill. To And my soft-spoke neighbor, did I , rave and rush and run; ~H3T was suppin’ with a neighbor. Just a few miles further on. “Do you think," I loudly shouted, “that I need a .-mile of Wire Tor to save each separate haycock out op heaven’s consumin’ fire? % Did you think, to keep my buil-din’s out o’ some uncertain harm. I eras going to deed you over the bol- ■ V ante of my farm?" He slieiiced me with silencer in *a‘ little while.' —'—-wiii-g

And then trotted out the contract with a reassuring smile; And tor half an hour explained't, with exasperatin’ skill, W hile his myrmidons kep’ probably arunnlng up my bill. He held me to that contract with a firmness queer to see; Twas tfye very first occasion he bfd to disagree with me! And lor that ’ere thunder story, ere the rascal finally went, I paid two hundred dollars, if I t>ald a single cent And if any lightning-rodlst wants % dinner-dialogue With the restaurant department of an . eßterprlsln’ dog. Let his mouth a-running. Just t inside my outside gate, And I’ll bet two hundred dollars be don’{“ have long to wait —Will Carleton. : *