Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 January 1910 — Jetsts from the Jokesmiths [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Jetsts from the Jokesmiths

And So It la. X said to my friend: “Tell me my faults, and I will know you are my friend.’’ And he told me my faults, and I spurned him, for I thought him a foot." I said to a second friend: “Tell me my faults, frankly.” And he said I had no faults, and I spurned him, forLknew he was a fool.” I said to my third friend: “Tell me all my faults.” And he told me my faults, and I thanked him. And he spurned me, for he knew that I was a hypocrite.—Exchange. Near the End. “Hello, Tholty-Ninel” said the first messenger boy to the other, who was Just starting out with a message, “how fur have yer got ter go?” "Oh,” replied “Thirty-Nine,” pulling out his book, "on’y about six chapters. I’m just where Handsome Harry gits on the villain’s trail.”—Catholic Standard and Times. Youthful Prudence.

“Ain’t you goin’ ter save me, WllMer —■——— — 1 ‘‘Aw, wot’s de use, Mame—l ain’t a marry in’ man!” Clever. “She insists that her paternal ancestor came over on the Mayflower.” "But r thought they proved to her that there was no such name on the Mayflower register?” “They did. And now Bhe says he •was a stowaway.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. * Between Girls. “Deep breathing seems to have lost vogue, don’t*you know.” “Well, it isn’t safe in these new gowns.”—Washington Herald.

The Neat Retort. * Mrs. Buttin —Mercy, Mrs. Brown, somebody told me your daughter was at Wellesley! I didn’t dream she could b 6 as old as that! Mrs. Brown —She isn’t. The dear child ought to be in the kindergarten, but she’s so frightfully precocious, you know. —Cleveland Plain Dealer. Got a Good Start. “To what do you attribute your unvarying success?” “To being picked early for the village fool. Nobody ever tried to get me to indorse a note or go into a scheme. —Louisville Courier-Journal. Scrambled Wisdom. "That young Skimmer is awfully bright. He knows a little of everything. You’ll like him." "No, I don’t care for these hashed mentalities.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. Real Estate Enterprise. Snubbubs—What do you intend to do with that lot you bought at Swampburst? Commute —I am thinking some of making a fishing preserve of It.Brooklyn Life. The Usaal Bright Reply. “Walter, how do you account for the hair on this lettuce salad?” “If dey am hair on it, boss, dat must be head lettuce.” —Bt. Louis Star. The Reaaon Why. “Can you tell me why singers and actresses make farewell tours?" “That’s the reason —that they may farewell.” —Baltimore American. • , Well Rehearsed. "For forty years I have been practicing what J preach.’* "You must have It letter perfect by this Ume.”—Washington Herald.

Alurmlngr tbe Bride. A clergyman, noticing the simple ap-i pearance of the couple he had just! married, decided to give them a few words of advice. He explained to the young man his duties as a husband, and then told the young lady how she should conduct herself, winding up with the old injunction that she must look to her husband for everything, and, forsaking father and mother, follow him wherever he went. The bride appeared very much troubled at this, and faltered out: “Must I follow him to every place he goes?" “Yes,” said the clergyman; “you must follow him everywhere until death doth you part.” “Gracious!" cried the girl. "If I had known that before I would never have married a postman.”—Spare Moments.

Her Bright New Cook. Mrs. Blank prided hersejf on her ability to train her servants, and she had just been bragging about the treasure she had in her new colored cook when the following dialogue occurred: “Now, Amaranth, I’ll come out and fry the chicken, but I want you to have it all ready for me. Dress it carefully and be sure to singe oft every hair.” "Yas’m.” “Then cut it up Just as I showed you the other day. Do you remember?” “Yas’m.” ’'Wash and drain it well. You -understand?” "Yas’m.” Then, as an afterthought: "Shall I kill it?’’—The Circle.

Plnche* All ’Ro«nd. She —My new gown is just lovely; it’s a perfect fit. , • He —Satisfied on that point, eh? She —Yes, I know it’s a good fit, beoause it pinches me so— He—Well, it doesn’t pinch you half as much as it does my pocketbook.— Catholic Standard and Times.

Wrong Dlagnoili. “I understand that you told Jinx he was seriously ill, doctor?” “Indeed, he is.” "Poor fellow! He Is down to his last penny, too!” “"Why, I thought he had loads of money! Perhaps he Is not so ill as I thought; I will go and see him at once.”—Houston Post.

Dauntless. “Sir, I wish to make your daughter my* wife!” The old man hesitated. “Hadn’t you better see her mother first?” he asked, gently, after thinking a moment. "I’ve seen her mother, and It doesn’t make any difference —I’m willing to take the chances!” exclaimed the youth, with all the ardor of honest love.—Puck. A Little Social Affair. A woman, dirty and disheveled, went into a public dispensary with her right arm bruised and bleeding. As the surgeon applied the necessary remedies he asked: “Dog bite you 7” “No, sor,” the patient replied, “another loidy.”—Ladles’ Home Journal. One Way. Bobby—Say, dad, do you kill the bull# and bears in Wall street with a gun? Father—No, my son. They get them in a corner and pinch them to dsath. —Puck.

Excellent Prospect*. “What makes you think you trill coin money out of that mining prospect?" “Our ad writer has inspected the property, and feels confident he can write it up to advantage.”—Puck. Another Secret. She—She told me you told her that secret I told you not to tell her. He—The mean thing! I told her not to tell you I told her. She—l promised her I wouldn't tell you she told me, so don’t tell her I told you.—Boston Transcript. Fame. ’ “He is well known to the public?" , “Tea, indeed. For years he has been the first man to claim the invention after the inventor patented It —Puck.