Evening Republican, Volume 14, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 January 1910 — GOOD SHORT STORIES [ARTICLE]

GOOD SHORT STORIES

(Mrs. Smith was engaging a new servant, and sat facing the latest applicant. "I hope,”‘said she, “that you had no angry words with your last mistresß before leaving?” “Oh, dear no, mum; none whatever,” was the reply, vfith a toss of her head. “While she was having her bath, I Just locked the bathroom door, took all my things, and went away as quiet as possible.” The late Theodore Thomas was defending the milder form of profanity. “So many things in the home,” he “incite a man to let off Steam. There’s opening cans, for instance—opening these new-fangled cans with patent openers that are allways getting lost. A Chicago man was exerting himself vocally and physically as he opened one of the patent cans. His wife, tired of the noise, called from the next room: ‘What are you opening that can with, dear?’ “The can opener, of course,’ he yelled back. < Oh.’ she said, ‘I thought you were opening it with prayer.’ ” The of a New York club recently received this unique complaint: “I have the honor to inform you that I lunched at the club this afternoon and had as my guests three gentlemen, all well-known gourmets. Among other things an omelet was served. It contained only three flies. As an old member of the club, jealous of its reputation, I naturally found this very embarrassing, as, in order to make an equitable division of the omelet, It was necessary either to divide a fly—a nice bit of carving, as you must concede —or forego a fly myself. I beg to suggest that in the future, when an omelet is served for four persons, it should be either with fa) four flies, or (b) no flies at all.” There was an elderly Indian colonel whose boast it was that he had a very tranquil disposition that nothing could ruffle. He took up golf, and for a long time bis friends failed to notice any disturbance of the colonel’s outward calm; but one day, when playing a four-some, he got into a notorious “Devil's Punchbowl" bunker, and spent a terrible fifteen minutes trying first to find the ball and then to play it out. He tried every club in vain, and at last, glaring like a demon, he smashed them, one after another, across a jagged rock. “What are you doing?” cried the party above. “It’s all right,” he snorted. “It’s —it’s better to —break one’s clubs than to—lose one’s temper!” And the caddie gathered up the pieces. ~ one or the soldiers of Port Washington On the Potomac was recently given leave of absence the morning after pay day. When his leave expired he didn’t appear. He was brought at last before the commandant for sentence, and {he fallowing dialogue is recorded: “Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement.” “Yes, Bur." “Have you any money left?” “No, sur.” “You had $35 when you left the fort, didn’t you?” “Yes, sur.” “What did ydu do with it?” “Well, sur, I was walking along, and I met a friend, and we went into a place and Bpint SB. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we splnt $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends, and. I spint $8 more—and thin I comes home.” “But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?” Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said: “I dunno, colonel; I reckon I must have squandered that money foolishly.”